The Book Worm who Loves to Dream

Courage...

2012-02-03T16:35:00.003+08:00

Read this in Chicken Soup for the Soul in Chinese version:

"也许有一天，
我们的生命会遭受暴风雨的袭击；
也许有一天，
面对磨难，
我们脸上的笑容不再灿烂。
但是，
只要信念仍在，
生命就不会衰弱，
希望也不会暗淡无光."

Recently, I'd been feeling very down. Most of it is disappointment. Disappointed with myself. I guess I haven't been giving my best, haven't been doing my best and haven't been performing my best.

1 more week to go. I'm not going to be disheartened. I'm still enjoying what I'm doing so I'm prepared to take up the stress. Gathering all the courage that I have now.

All the best to myself and everyone :)

田馥甄-还是要幸福

在读着同一本书时，看到了这一句话，让我联想起这首歌：

"在爱开始的时候
人们认为
那是世界上最美好的事情，
但爱结束的时候
人们觉得
曾经的爱是沉重的。
其是沉重的不是爱情，
而是因爱产生的太多的愿望。
我们应该学会投入的爱，
就算失去了爱
也要对曾经给你爱情的人
保有感激的心
而不是憎恨和烦恼。"

I have no idea what had happened that time. I don't know why you said you like me and suddenly you hated me so much. I have to admit that I had never have any special feelings towards you but during that time, you really were a good friend of mine. I guess that was the first time some one really cared for me although I was at a very awkward state. I'm glad that you don't hate me now. I really hope that one day, we'll have a chance to sit down and talk over a coffee of juice or whatever. I'll never be angry of you though that time was a total nightmare to me. Thanks for the friendship that we once had. Thanks for the fall that make me even stronger and mature than before. Sorry if I had hurt you. I was still young and naive. Like the song title, I hope you'll find your own happiness :)

Sincerity :)

2012-01-31T01:23:00.003+08:00

Were clerking a patient a few hours back.

While waiting for the patient to finish talking to somebody over the phone, we flipped through the file to see whether any investigations had been done.

Halfway through, a patient's family member (A) came and we had a brief conversation:

A: So all of you are medical students?
We: Yes.
A: Ah... Then you'll be earning lots of money in 10 years time. *cheeky face*
We: *giggled*
A: True right?
We: *giggled louder*
A: Money is one thing. Don't forget to be sincere in treating patients. For us, God comes first and doctor comes second. In terms of illness, we rely on you and put our trust in you. Please don't forget to be sincere even with the large amount of money you have.

Thanks Uncle A :) Thanks for reminding me of sincerity as this can be easily forgotten in the midst of stress and busy life. I'll keep this in mind for as long as I can. Thanks a lot :)

艰辛的路程...

2012-01-30T19:05:00.004+08:00

今天上课上得很辛苦，
看着老师强忍着地教书，
听着他的叹气，
自己觉得很羞愧。

生平第一次，
坐在教室里几个小时，
心跳加速，
呼吸变得越来越快，
眼孔慢慢变大，
双手不停地抖，
心里只有这几个念头，
“到底我适不适合当一位好医生？
到底我有没有资格坐在这儿？
到底我能不能考到这个文凭？
到底我是不是在欺骗着自己？
到底我是不是在浪费着自己的时间？"

好多的问号，
满心的疑惑，
好痛苦，
好羞愧，
恨不得离开教室，
在房里号啕大哭。

老师曾经说过：
"Medicine is not an easy life."
我也不是不懂，
但不管我怎么想，
也没有想到这个路程会有这么的艰难，
即使自己很有兴趣，
很开心的享受学习过程，
也减轻不了医科的难度。

医生教授们对自己的要求，
病人们对自己的希望，
家人们对自己的盼望，
一层一层的压下来，
有时压得自己喘不过来，
但是为了自己的理想，
仍然强迫自己坚强，
咬着牙也拼着，
不让自己跌倒。

本以为自己能屹立不倒，
但今天发现自己离终点还很远，
发现自己与六个月前的自己一点差别都没有，
还是什么都不懂，
好像一个品质差的不倒翁似的，
危险地摇摇摆摆，
似乎随时随地都会倒下来。

很怕自己会跌下来，
很怕自己承受不了，
很怕自己会绕到最初的起点，
很怕这一切只是一场梦，
梦醒来，
这一切都不会是我的了...

谢谢主赐给我这几位好朋友，
我一直不想找人诉苦，
自己都已经那么压力了，
我不想把再把这压力加在别人的身上，
但发现自己真得好没用，
双脚会自然而然的往她们的房间走，
真的很不好意思，
真的很谢谢，
也很抱歉打扰你们，
也浪费了你们的时间，
对不起...

陈奕迅-内疚

我曾知道你的好
我曾知道你有多重要
我曾經知道不睡覺對我身體不好
你是我的安眠藥

我常自暴不環保
「...是為你好」始終改不掉
寶寶的哭聲聽不到我的音響太吵
你走了也管不著

才下了眉頭卻攻上我心頭
蠶食而盡掏空左右
每當我回頭內疚是劊子手
摧殘我回憶中的所有

天亮了給我找個藉口
來麻醉我傷口血流了卻未參透
是時候放手但又不接受我一無所有

無理取鬧你垂頭
對我傻笑「愛是一場感冒」
難道是我太驕傲不信你說他多好
才把你氣走自招

才下了眉頭卻攻上我心頭
蠶食而盡掏空左右
每當我回頭內疚是劊子手
砍掉我回憶中的所有

天亮了給我找個藉口
來麻醉這傷口血流了卻未參透
是時候接受我一無所有
是我讓你走別回頭

是無法接受我一無所有
我終於知道內疚

疑惑...

2012-01-29T23:08:00.007+08:00

今天又碰到了小鱼。看着它满脸疑惑，好奇的我和它聊了起来，看看能不能帮些什么。

新年到了，小鱼好开心，终于能够回到小河，逃避在大海面对的烦恼与疲惫。除夕夜，小鱼帮婆婆准备红包，顺便陪陪年老的婆婆。准备的当儿，婆婆吩咐鱼妈妈不要包给其中一个姑姑的家人，还很生气地骂起姑姑来。小鱼好疑惑，很想问，但这是大人的事情，不敢问太多，只是假装没事发生，转转话题，陪婆婆聊聊。不久，当小鱼和鱼妈妈一起看戏时，鱼妈妈告住了它真相。

去年，婆婆得了癌症。庆幸的是，这是个能被治好的癌症。手术后，婆婆完完全全的痊愈，但家人都很担心婆婆，不肯让她一个人留在家里。有一次，婆婆到姑姑的家住了几天。小鱼当时有在，看见有姑姑陪婆婆聊天，心也不怎么担心了。几天后，婆婆回了家。过后，姑姑向爸爸讨钱，说这是让婆婆住在她家的费用。鱼爸爸和妈妈当然不开心，婆婆知道了更不开心。

小鱼不明白，照顾年老的父母难道不是儿女的责任吗？为何有些人可以向自己的父母要求费用呢？父母把自己抚养成人，都不渴望金钱上的回报，只是希望儿女孙儿们能陪陪自己，这也算过分吗？真不明白。小鱼知道姑姑很看重金钱，可是从没想过姑姑会有这种念头。

小鱼不明白，我也不明白，看着小鱼摇起头来，我也情不自禁的摇起头来。

好疑惑啊...

I really don't like when people look at me like I'm a freaking money tree. Especially when that person is someone that you can never avoid. I really don't like when I have to smile when you're giving me a long lecture on which hospitals are near to my house, how much money I'm going to get when I'm out in the service and how 'rich' I'm going to be. And all conversations will end with "Don't forget me ah." I don't want to be rude to you and I still respect you as possible since you're my relative but I really don't like the feeling of being used.

Nevertheless, this is something that I want to do . I won't let a person dampen my interest. I'll find some way to manage when the time comes. For now, must turn off my holiday mode and turn on my study mode.

Happy Chinese New Year to those who are reading this :)

林宥嘉 - 唐人街

撒把葱花加个蛋

不在杨州的炒饭

心里正在怨都快关门

谁还未买单

你说饭饨卖不完

正好拿來作晚餐

我看着窗外的珍珠港

配乐是偿还

逛一条随机的街 (柏林或米兰的街)

找一种注定的感觉 (噢就是这里的感觉)

我不惜环遊全世界

踏破了铁鞋

來赴这前生之约

找一条有你的街 (開罗或京都的街)

找一种回家的感觉 (是時候停下的感觉)

传说中的归根落叶

曾经多不屑

原來最渴望的

不過这些

熨著別人的衬衣

想着我们的孩子

叫什么名字

小珠桃子

还是Naomi

逛一条随机的街 (柏林或米兰的街)

找一种注定的感觉 (噢就是这里的感觉)

我不惜环遊全世界

踏破了铁鞋

來赴这前生之约

找一条有你的街 (開罗或京都的街)

找一种回家的感觉 (是時候停下的感觉)

传说中的归根落叶

曾经多不屑

原來最渴望的

不過这些

大红的灯笼高高挂

处处是古董和字画

虽然很廉价

总算像个家

普天下的唐人街 (普天下的唐人街)

都是个巨大情意结 (牌坊后华丽的幻觉)

可是你飄泊在天涯

一万零一夜

一定想回家過节

在一条陌生的街 (华沙或首尔的街)

种一种熟悉的感觉 (流浪将因你而终结)

我已经环游了世界

踏破了铁鞋

是時候过一些

平凡的夜

香港黄伟文大师的词，写得好好啊，让离家遥远的我们都很想家，迫不及待的等待能回家的那天。

:(

2012-01-17T23:27:00.003+08:00

The title says it all.

Ok. Maybe not all.

Some said that being a girl has its own privilege as you can have mood swings and no one will blame you for that. As nice as it sounds, the feeling sucks. It's so horrible. You just feel like you're the worst person in the entire world and maybe the stupidest as well. All the haywire hormones just make your mood go down and down as if you're falling from a sky-high cliff. Sigh...

Mood swing + Hot weather + Brain hyper-resonance = :( + Self doubt

I'm just not as good as people think I am. 1 month plus and I still don't know anything at all. Knowledge: 0, Examination skills: 0.

Do I even have what it takes to achieve what I want to do? I really want this but why do I have a feeling I'll fail badly?

Sigh...

I should stop whining. Like Dr Chong said, crying is not going to help at all.

Finally, a rain came and washed away all the heat. Thank God :)

:( :( :(

梁静茹&盧廣仲-不是我不明白

分享这首歌没什么特别的原因，只是觉得很好听，尤其是静茹的歌声 :)

Support...

2012-01-11T07:34:00.004+08:00

"If you fall, I'll be there"-Floor

That's really the only thing that you can count on.

Dr Loh always say that even if you're not in a relationship, there's always someone that you can rely on and someone that affects you. Knowing that someone is there is more than enough to calm you down :)

I may not be in a relationship but I'm still thankful that I still have my family and friends with me.

My parents and my grandma fuss on me a lot but I know they really care. I remember once when I kept on insisting that I'm not hungry, my grandma prepared a cup of milo and one big box of biscuit and she wouldn't stop until I finish them.

And also my friends. Though I know I'm very childish and annoying and they can't stop bully me (:P) but thanks for being there too :P

莫文蔚-忽然之间

忽然之間　

天昏地暗　

世界可以忽然什麼都沒有

我想起了你　

再想到自己
我為什麼總在非常脆弱的時候　

懷念你

我明白　

太放不開你的愛　

太熟悉你的關懷
分不開　

想你算是安慰還是悲哀

而現在　

就算時針都停擺　

就算生命像塵埃

分不開　

我們也許反而更相信愛

如果這天地　

最終會消失
不想一路走來珍惜的回憶　

沒有你

我明白　

太放不開你的愛　

太熟悉你的關懷
分不開　

想你算是安慰還是悲哀

而現在　

就算時針都停擺　

就算生命像塵埃

分不開　

我們也許反而更相信愛

A Happy Day :)

2012-01-07T09:20:00.006+08:00

Yesterday was pretty much one of the most satisfying day in the first week of a completely new year :)

Right after ward round, when one of the lift arrived, everyone squeezed inside it. The moment that I wanted to step inside, it was so full that I gave up and planned to take the stairs. Then I heard Dr Loh was talking to some of my group mates about some sort of outing. Out of curiosity, I joined in then I knew she was going to home visit somewhere in Klang right after the ward round. Seeing I was there, she asked me whether I want to join. Without hesitation, I nodded happily.

Before the home visit, she brought us to lunch in a Chinese restaurant. We'd ordered a lot (prawns, vege, tofu, fish, meat...) but she said we ate far too little from what she'd expected and she'd even prepared more money :P

Then we went to visit a patient. He was diagnosed with thyroid cancer which has metastasised to the lung and liver and we later found out that the bone was also involved. He had done a tracheostomy and was not able to talk. All of us stood there and watched how Dr managed the patient. She even told the patient a joke about one of us who claimed that he can eat a lot and ended up eating only 2 prawns :) We were also given a chance to talk to the patient since he was willing to talk to us. Before we left, the patient seemed to be grateful and everyone was satisfied :)

Dr Loh was very nice towards us. During the entire time, she chit-chatted with us in English, Chinese and Hokkien and discussed about patient care with us. As a palliative care doctor, she shared a lot of her experiences with us especially to us who tumpang her car :) There were a lot of things that I would like to ask but the 3 other girls who shared the car didn't say much and I was still a pretty much shy type :S Regret already... But she tried to start all the conversations and there were times we laughed out loud in the car. And I realised she is very enthusiastic about what she's doing and she really did enjoy talking to us :)

She really taught us a lot. She said we are all too serious and kept asking us to have fun before we feel trap in our little room and become depressed. She is always stressing on group work by comparing these 2 terms 'independent' and 'inter-dependent'. She told us happiness is not difficult to obtain if we find good in each and every one of us. She told us how a famous Islamic Study professor lived a simple life in a low cost house instead of a bungalow. Although he suffered from urinary retention for 2 months due to misdiagnosed, not only he didn't curse the doctors like most of us will do, he taught her that instead of requesting many things during prayer, we should be thanking the Almighty one in our prayer :) She shared how a poor man who lived on a tin of Jacob crackers offered her a cracker while a multi-millionaire with a gold-coated toilet bowl asked her for cheap medications. There was one time when she was in Singapore and the famous gangster taiko called them up in the middle of the night. When she realised it was just scrotal swelling, she felt frustrated because it was not urgent at all. Then when the patient told that he feared that the scrotum would burst, she realised that patients are not doctor, they do not know what is urgent or not and instead of being frustrated, we should be allying them of their fear. She also said that a patient became very depressed for one year after a prostate cancer screening test because the doctor didn't reassure him after the result came out and he kept thinking that he had cancer. She told us that there would come a time when we would hate our patients because of the demanding work loads and midnight calls but she reminded us that without patients, we would not have a job. Instead of putting up a long face, we should at least give the patient a smile and make the patient less miserable.

Before dropping us back to hostel, she was telling us how a prof told her that the key to a woman's success in a demanding medical career is having a good mother-in-law for there is no other better person than your mother-in-law who can control your husband. That way, you can focus on your career without worrying that your husband will have affair, your children are pretty much taken care of and your mother-in-law is happy since she is completely in charge of everything. And have a not-so-good-looking husband since he'll be nice to you :P Good looking guy are only for a few dates to boost up your ego. Haha :) But since not everyone is not that lucky, I would rather not get into relationship. Hehe :)

Next week, she would bring Dr Yoong from Klang Hospice to talk to us and perhaps we can have a chance to go home visit with him. Can't wait :)

I remember at the end of Paeds posting, Prof Lucy told us that we are all very lucky to have Dr Loh as our lecturer. Now, I can't help but agree with her. Thank you Dr for all the lunch, teachings, sharing, knowledge and advice :)

Mock OSCE next Tuesday. DIE :(

五月天-星空

摸不到的颜色

是否叫彩虹，

看不到的拥抱

是否叫做微风，

一个人

想着一个人

是否就叫寂寞。

好好听 :)

Same action, different ending...

2012-01-04T16:26:00.004+08:00

2 different marriage proposals, 2 different endings...

Saw this on Facebook a few days back.

Awww... So sweet :) Sometimes I just don't know why people like to pour cold water on people and write all sorts of negative comments. Well, one will never understand everything. Wish them all the best and hope they can make everything work :)

Saw this right after my PPD exam.

Ouch... Love hurts. Especially when the whole world can see this. Well, hope he will stay strong and all the best to him.

Christina Perri-A Thousand Years (live version)

Very nice and sweet :)

Reminders to self...

2012-01-02T17:18:00.010+08:00

Gahhh... PPD is killing me. My brain's memory is diminishing and yet there are so much more to telan :( I'd rather study all the systems and pathophysiology, more fun :)

So, that's it, 2011 waved goodbye to us and 2012 waved hello to us.

I'd been trying to think back of this past one year.

Thinking...

...

Yes, it's all blank.

One significant thing though. I'd passed my 2nd year and entered clinical year.

So far, it's been nice. I really enjoy going to ward and talking to patients especially the innocent kids :) Study wise, depressing. Time seems to be running out and there just seems to be no time to study AT ALL. Sigh... Online too much already, must control.

Broke down few weeks back. It was night time, SPM exam was around the corner, was pissed off by someone who let me carried all the responsibilities, printer didn't want to cooperate with me, busy editing the report and presentation slides which were not complete... I was alone in the room and all of the sudden, all the tears just broke loose. That was really the first time I broke down in a while. I felt lost and stupid at that time. I don't know whether I'm fit to be a doctor or not. People think that I'm like a superwoman but I'm not one at all. Study a bit a bit only and I'd been feeling very very tired recently. It's really affecting me and I'm actually very worried.

Sigh... Complaining doesn't make any difference. I just hope that I can have the strength to go through all these...

So, I guess there are just few things that I need to remind myself in this coming new year:

1. Stop criticizing people. You're not that good either. (Sorry to those that I'd complained about. Sometimes, I just don't think before I speak some words when I'm too frustrated.)

2. Be more hardworking. STOP sleeping!!!

3. Read the bible more. Pray more. There's no one like Him :)

4. Be grateful. Don't take things for granted.

5. Be more cheerful and responsive. You're not a block of wood.

6. Have faith and courage. He has His plan for me and I just need to be brave enough to follow.

One more thing though. During my birthday, my mom made a wish for me: Find a gentleman.

Funny how that comes from my mum - The one who'd been telling me that it's hard to find a nice guy so might as well not marry.

Seriously, I have no faith at all in this love thingy. Seeing married couples who are cold towards each other after many years of marriage just make my heart cold. I know there are some who make it work even after many years. Those are lucky people and luck has never always been by my side. I'm now single and I'm contended. No strings attached, no arguments and teary night and don't need to put my entire happiness at stake. If it doesn't work out, it's just too painful.

Well, I'm still young, never been in love before so I'm really not the right person to make all these statements. But I'm not that foolish girl who will allow myself to fall head to heels in love and end up in a cold relationship after years. No. It's sad to watch people like that and I certainly don't want to be a part of this. No way.

Oh well, I must stop thinking too much already. Happy new year, my faithful readers :)

黎谦&许哲珮-疯子

好好听哦 :) 不管是曲或词，都很特别，很美，很悲。好喜欢 :)

原版在这。

许哲珮-疯子

Happiness and Gratefulness :)

2011-12-19T15:10:00.009+08:00

蘇打綠-幸福額度

Listen 你現在的感情從何選擇
看天氣的臉色還是體溫
幸福不會是牛頓一顆蘋果成學問
所以得不到那個人是否該恨

Listen 你現在的人生要什麼呢
出門要豪華車或隨緣份
幸福或許是諸葛三顧也不見得成
所以達不到你要的是否該扔
又或者永遠是不可能滿分

You say why 愛讓寂寞像永恆
And why 愛像過客不聞不問
Oh why 愛似乎總不貼近靈魂

Listen 回憶裡的氣氛是熱是冷
孤芳得像天鵝還是風箏
或許就像哥倫布錯誤點起萬盞燈
所以是不是還想要再試再撐
又或者因為曾有的疼沉淪

You say why 愛讓寂寞像永恆
And why 愛像過客不聞不問
Oh why 愛似乎總不貼近靈魂怎麼能

相聚分離光影涼了又溫
想起忘記眼淚淺了又深
凡美麗總像是流水逝去不會轉過身
雨水卻在不知名的清晨紛紛

You say why oh 寂寞像永恆
Why 像過客不聞不問
Oh why 愛不貼近靈魂

I say why 愛讓你充滿疑問
And why 愛總讓你一點不剩
Oh why why 愛只需建立在一個吻怎麼能
________________________________________________________________________

吴青峰写的歌好好听，歌词也写得很感人，听了都有一丝丝的感触 :)

有时觉得幸福离自己好远好远，

左看右看始终找不到，

总觉得很低落，

但不管如何，

我相信世上没有无缘无故的事,

每件事情发生都是有原因的，

只要不停的拼，

总有一天，

游在深不见底的海的鱼，

会在冰冷的海水里感受到艳阳的温暖，

月光的浪漫，

星星的闪烁 :)

'God didn't promise
Days without rain,
Laughter without sorrow,
Sun without rain,
but He did promise,
Strength for the day,
Comfort for the tears,
and Light for the way.'

Thanks God for everything. Bad or good, they are here to make me stronger. Thank You :)

惭愧...

2011-12-14T08:55:00.004+08:00

总觉得自己什么都不会做，

就只会做错事，

看着别人给我的眼神，

不由自主地惭愧起来，

也许我并不适合做一个leader吧。。。

陈奕迅-我们都寂寞

P.S. Thanks for indirectly letting me know I'm not a good leader or person at all. I'm not going to take the responsibility again. All I want to do is to make sure that things go right but I guess I failed miserably...

放不下的包袱

2011-12-05T11:51:00.006+08:00

有时候，

一个人，

沉重的包袱背了太久，

即使到了该放下的时候，

该释怀时，

都不知该怎么做了。

明明不喜欢这重量，

还常嫌它阻碍自己的生活，

但已不知该如何放下一切，

轻松自在的走，

只好继续背着这包袱，

一步一步，

疲惫地向前走。

平凡 :)

2011-12-02T02:12:00.003+08:00

张国荣－追

最近喜欢上了这首歌，也是看了星光大道的黎谦唱了，才想到我曾有听过这首歌。

歌词很简单，没有利用太多的手法，但真的很动人。林夕也真不简单。

林夕：“这是首很朴素的歌，歌词也很平凡。平凡才显得重要。”

幸福其实很容易，不一定要有对积累山的财富，也不一定要有数也数不清的钱财。平凡的生活其实也可以很幸福，尤其当你身旁都是你最亲，最爱的人。

谢谢大家帮我唱生日歌，请我吃蛋糕。

虽然我被喷得整身都是粉，也被迫在冷冷的气候时洗澡，但我很感激有这帮朋友。你们在我平凡的生活里染上不同的颜色，把黑暗的一片慢慢，慢慢的掩盖，让我看到五彩的一面 :) 谢谢 :)

P.S.: 二十一岁了，但我脑袋还是空空的，不知道自己想要什么，朋友叫我许下愿望，我想了很久也想不到，肯定是 mind block了。可悲 :(

Perhaps you're wondering, why is this so called 'banana' girl using Chinese to type her entry? I'd been listening to lots of Chinese songs lately and I'm drawn to the wonders of Chinese language. One single word and it can mean a lot of things. I'm particularly impressed by those lyricist who wrote lots of nice and meaningful lyrics that blew my mind away. Somehow, I'm starting to use this language to express how I feel and it's not entirely that bad. I haven't been using Chinese for a long time so a bit karat already :P Hopefully I haven't lost touch of this wonderful language. Sorry to those Chinese experts if you have sore eyes after reading my Chinese :P

鱼的故事

2011-11-30T12:41:00.010+08:00

我曾遇过这一只鱼。虽长得不怎么出色，但我还是看上了它，时时留意它的每一个行踪。

从小，它游也不游得比同类快，身上的颜色也不比同类鲜艳，一不留神，有时还会不小心没发现它的存在，把它给忘了。它要求不多，只想要同类看它一眼，但身上的颜色是上帝所给的，哪能做任何改变呢？捕食也比同类弱，常常被骂，有时还得挨饿。

几年后，它虽长得不怎么大，但变得成熟了些，懂事了些。它不喜欢以前的自己，从此努力地学习捕食，渐渐捕食技巧好了一些。它太习惯被同类忽略了，对自己一点信心都没，不懂得与同类相处，朋友也不多。它只懂得做好自己的本分，认真地把每件事做完。其他的，它都统统不懂。

捕食技巧被大伙肯定了，接着它到深海去，学习如何在辽阔且暗不见底的深海捕食，一边为了填饱自己的肚子，一边也为帮其它无法捕食的同类捕食。远看，大海被太阳和月光照得一闪一闪的，蓝蓝的，这只鱼不经笑了起来，相信自己可以克服这大海，帮助自己的同类。

第一天来到这大海，也遇到来自别的河的同类，但这只鱼已不懂得怎么和同类相处，很多时候孤零零地看着大家一伙一伙的学习。它不让自己想得太多，依旧认真的学习。

一年一年的过去了，它发现深海的确太深了，怎么学也学不完，学不好。渐渐的，信心也消失了。捕食技巧也不容易了，因为深海有时真得太暗了，怎么摸索也摸索不清，有时怎么拼，也没有好的收获。

今天我又遇到这只鱼，它孤零零，头低低的，面孔没有笑容。它在大伙面前捕食时，失败了。它好失望，赶紧在脸上放着一个笑容，然后很快的游到一个不曾被同类发现的洞穴，放声哭了。它对自己很失望，不知自己是否能学好这技巧。学不好，不仅浪费了自己的时间，也连累了其他在等着它帮忙捕食的同类。这只鱼也觉得很失败，自己只会装做很自立，很坚强，每天孤零零的游在大海里，不懂得与其他鱼相处，仍旧一样的被其它鱼忽略，遗忘，犹如自己根本就不曾存在。

我不懂得要怎么安慰这只鱼，只能陪着这只鱼哭，也默默地为这只鱼祈祷。

小鱼啊，究竟要等到什么时候，你才愿意要把围在自己身上的墙与篱笆塌下来呢，好好学习，也好好与别的鱼相处呢？

林宥嘉-我总是一人在练习一个人

Acceptance :)

2011-11-21T23:28:00.002+08:00

In life, there'll always be one who will criticise you: not pretty lah, fat lah and the list goes on and on.

Whatever you say, I'm just going to ignore you.

What do you expect me to do?

Cry? Hate myself? Go on a crash diet? Have a plastic surgery? Cry and blame God for creating me the way I am now?

Do you honestly think that I don't know all that? Or do you think I'm so ignorant that you have to say thousand of times before I register these in my head?

Angry? Nah. I'm not that ridiculous to be mad because of things like these. Throughout the years, I'd learned how to joke about myself.

But please, sometimes, look at yourself before lashing out all the criticisms. You're not that entirely good either. Unless, of course, you're just joking which I don't mind.

I'd gone through awkward phases and the learning-to-accept-myself phase. And I'd learned a few things along the way.

Learn to accept yourself. That's the way to happiness :) There's always a reason why God create you the way you are. One doesn't need to have a pretty face and model-like body to be beautiful :) You can function well and be happy just the way you are, if and only if you can accept your true self.

接受最真实的自己，除了你之外，没人会比你更爱自己。

感同身受

2011-11-15T19:31:00.005+08:00

林宥嘉-感同身受

有谁流过眼泪请说
有谁没有哭过请说
你也怎么能爱过如果那个是我
可能比你更失落

我想说每个人都差不多
不一样的血肉之躯在痛苦快乐面前
我们都平起平坐
全世界的脉搏（像你像我）
让我们用心抚摸（是你是我）
别人的眼泪随时来自你和我的双眼
有那么多人在寂寞就没有人寂寞

有谁曾经要死要活
想象连呼吸也很难过
给我会怎么做有同样的遭遇
是否有相同结果

我想说每个人都差不多
不一样的血肉之躯在痛苦快乐面前
我们都平起平坐
在同一本小说（像你像我）
主角无分你我（是你是我）
别人的遗憾当中看到自己犯过的错
有那么多人在寂寞就没有人寂寞

（那些笑容）都是为了什么
（那些折磨）是怎么样解脱
（让人快乐）我们都会快乐
（让人寂寞）谁还敢说寂寞

______________________________________________________________

很明显，这不是我写的 :P

本人很喜欢林夕写的词。全都写得很美，很入心内，真佩服他。

最近都很喜欢听华语歌。朋友知道后都蛮惊讶，因为大家都知道我在一个很"英语"的环境成长。但近来越来越对英语歌失望，歌词很多都围绕在性爱之间，mv更是不能看。慢慢的开始接触华语歌，旋律不只是美，歌词也写得很棒，尤其是这首歌。

不管我们长得多不一样，性格有多不一样，脾气有多不一样，

大家都受过伤，都流过眼泪，

心里都有着几个伤疤。

有人选择振作起来，

即时伤得多重，都往好处想，

自己勇敢的爬上来，朝向未来走，

不犹豫，不害怕。

有人选择堕落过活，

即时伤得不怎么重，都往坏处想，

怨天尤人，继续趴在原地，不愿站上来，

心内充满恐惧与害怕。

也许你觉得别人比你好，比你棒，比你优，

但我们都是血肉之躯，谁没有缺点呢？

常常斗来斗去，又何苦呢？

为何不敞开心来，

尝试接纳别人，也接受最真实的自己呢？

你我都是人，都有犯错的时候，

为何不原谅别人，也原谅自己呢？

在别人和自己的错误中学习，

让自己成为更懂事，更成熟的人。

好事坏事都要懂得感恩，

不要傲慢，也不要自暴自弃，

因为这都是人生中所要面对的挑战之一。

爬起来或原封不动呢？大家心中有数 :)

P.S. : 最近都很爱听林宥嘉的歌，这首感同身受也不例外 :)

Contrast...

2011-11-13T15:18:00.002+08:00

Child 1

Suffering from Chronic Disease A.
Always bullied by classmates.
Do not have much friends. Only close friend is one who suffers from Chronic Disease B.
Always teased by siblings and classmates.
Teacher requested the mum to transfer him to special school for OKU students when he doesn't have any studying difficulties and physical disabilities because they find it hard to accommodate to his disease (which by the way is not hard at all).
Dad is always scolding him since he can't accept the fact that he has disease A.
Ended up in hospital because classmates pushed him into the drain which made him hurt his knees. No one helped him. He had to endured the pain and walked back home.

Child 2

Suffering from Chronic Disease C.
Classmates are always helping him. Even if he needs to urinate frequently, his friend will accompany him.
Every one in school likes him.
Siblings always accompany him to follow-up.
Teachers are nice and patient with him.
Dad cares about him.
Ended up in hospital because he needs his medication.

2 different child, almost the same age, suffering from diseases that can't be cured, different settings, different life, different fate.

Sometimes kids say the darnest things which just make you laugh. But sometimes they can be brutally cruel like the 'friends' that child 1 has.

My heart goes for both of these kids for the diseases that they are suffering. In terms of life, I pity child 1. How I wish I can shake those so called 'normal' classmates so that they can be mature enough and STOP making fun of him. It's already a sad new that he has this disease and it's worst when he has to face all the name-calling and bullying at school everyday. These kids really need to know the consequences of their actions. Their 'innocent' act will just hurt the child physically and also mentally.

How to stop yourself from hurting people? Start placing yourself in one's shoe. If you don't like how people treat you in certain way, don't do it to others. Being young doesn't mean you are excused from hurting people 'unintentionally'. God has given us brain and its function is to help us think.

So think before you act.

Disturbed...

2011-11-08T23:18:00.002+08:00

I have no idea what's going on lately.

My minds are all messed up.

I can't think properly.

Have been sleeping a lot.

I don't know why it's affecting me also.

For the past few days, I'd been letting go all my frustration on a pitiful plush toy which is something I'd never done before.

I have no idea what's wrong with me.

Perhaps I'm just a girl with bad personalities that no one like me and want to talk to me.

Mummy said: You're a girl, it's ok if you show a bit of weakness.

I replied: Don't want. I don't want to be seen as someone who is clingy and annoying.

I'm scared but what to do? All I know is to just put up a straight face and walk as if I'm not scared of anything.

Pretending that it doesn't bother me although it does.

Pretending that I'm not afraid although I can't stop thinking about the bad incidents.

Or perhaps I'm just too sensitive...

Dilemma...

2011-10-26T09:40:00.003+08:00

Ended my O & G and Primary Care postings. Not exactly satisfied with my performance. There were some great experiences and I'm thankful for everything :)

Entering Paeds :) I'm quite happy since I can never take my eyes off children. I'll just take these 2 months to explore Paeds and see how far I can go. Most importantly, I need to buck up. I feel like I'm going back to the old me that I'd eradicated when I entered secondary school :( Just pray that I'll have the strength and the energy to go on.

Something had happened within these 2 months. Maybe it's my fault that I'm magnifying the issue. At first, everything was friendly and I was relatively happy. Then, after spending more and more time, I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable. Almost everyday I need to come up with explanations for something that I did. The actions didn't mean anything but somehow, they were seen and interpreted differently. Everyday I need to hear the same phrase in a tone which is only used in a different setting and occasion. Every time I see a side that I don't like and can't comprehend.

I know that these incidents happened quite innocently but I've never been comfortable with person of a different gender unless they are really my close friends. I'd been thinking and sometimes saying things that I don't want to say and I'm feeling really bad. I'd tried to stop it but the thoughts just kept linger on.

I'm sorry. I'm a coward. In occasion like this, I tend to choose to stay away. I don't want to reach a point where I will do and say something which will offend people so I'd been keeping a distance. Somehow, by keeping a distance, I'm also offending people.

I'm deep in dilemma and I don't want to do something that I'll regret. So should I just keep a distance or should I just pretend nothing had happened, put a smile on my face although I'm feeling very very uncomfortable?

Hmmm...

Satisfaction :)

2011-10-06T19:40:00.002+08:00

Clerked a 19-year-old Indian girl today.

She is one amazing girl. Both her parents are workers who don't earn much but she is one tough girl. She holds on to her education and she is doing form 6 because she wants to go for tertiary education. She likes to study and she believes that education is important. She knows that education will bring her far in her life and she hopes that she will provide a better life for her parents.

Her father is one caring father. She supports her and is very concern for her. And I almost kena scolded by him because the consultation took about 1 hour and she hadn't eaten her breakfast. Luckily Dr. S talked nicely to him and he went back to his good-nature self. Phew...

We talked about a lot of things when I was waiting for my turn to present and also while waiting for blood test. She told me about her exam, her worries and lots more and we had a good time since we're almost the same age.

While waiting for the blood test result, she asked me:

"Kak, you ada boyfriend tak? Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No lah."

"Why not? You're so pretty, short (she did say that) and cute."

Oh my gosh, I couldn't stop laughing. She over-praised me lah but it's still nice to hear such compliments from a girl who only knew me for 2 hours :) And no, I don't have a boyfriend because no guys will look at me twice lah.

I was very sorry because the consultation took a long time partly my fault since I totally forgot how to do cranial nerve examination so I kept on apologising to her and her father. She told me that she's happy to help me out and she said it doesn't matter to her if it takes a long time because she's happy that she met me today (her own word). With that, she bid goodbye and left.

Lecturers always talked about the satisfactory that come after treating every patient and today, I felt that. Although I made lots of stupid mistakes in front of her during examination, although she had to wait for long time because her turn came and although her consultation was long, she was satisfied. All I did was talked to her and chit-chat a little about her life ans she said it's the best thing that had ever happened to her. She understood that we're students and we are learning from them so she didn't mind at all and she's happy that she was able to help. She also inspired me because even though her family background may not be so good, she still believes in education and she insists in finishing her study. Although it may not be easy, she still works hard towards her goal.

Thanks a lot to you :) I hope you'll be able to achieve your dream as a teacher and I believe you'll be a great one :) All the best for your upcoming STPM :)

Think, think and think...

2011-10-05T19:03:00.002+08:00

Clerked a patient today.

He is a 40-year-old Indian gentleman who complained of pain and swelling at the right shoulder tip which only got better a little after more than a week of accident.

So I went through the same questions. And of course, I asked about smoking and drinking habit.

He looked at me and said 'NO'.

Of course, I asked why. Is he afraid of the health consequences? And these were what he told me:

*translated from Malay*

"It's not fear or anything like that but I'd seen what these can do to people. Some people got married early and because of these habits, they neglected their family. Who is going to take care of the wife? The children? Both my elder brothers drink and smoke and they just left the wife and children to fend for themselves. Some of my friends also do the same thing. So I'd sworn to myself that I'll never smoke or drink. I'd told my children this since young and now they are clean from these."

Wow.... I was impressed. This man is clearly one who can think. Though he is not highly educated, he is observant. He saw how drinking and smoking destroy the lives of those who are close to him and instead of joining, he stayed out of it. Besides, he's also a loving and responsible man. He said that these habits do not bring habit to anyone. If a man becomes a slave to cigarettes and alcohol, who is going to take care of the wife and children? This shows that he's really concern about the wife and the children.

If only everyone will start to think like him. Get well soon, mr and hope you can get back to your football and win more games :)

Bereavement...

2011-10-04T16:52:00.004+08:00

Today, out of 3 patients, 2 cried.

And these got me thinking. Sometimes, there're things that I thought will only happen in tv but not in real life but as I go through my life, these things do happen.

I met a nice lady this morning. She was kind enough to bring her neighbour, who is an old lady, to do a check up in Klinik Kesihatan. In the mean time, she came here for her hypertension follow up.

Hypertension. These patients come in and out of clinic everyday. Prof S. asked:" What runs in your mind when someone comes in for hypertension follow up?" The answer is easy (Well, as least for Prof S. :P). Just check his/her reading, make sure it's under control, compliance is good and there're no complications.

But not for her.

When asked what triggers her blood pressure to go up usually, she said when she's angry with her children. She has 3 children, age between 8-11, who are not obedient, lie and do not want to study. She gets angry when the teachers complain. She did everything and she can't seem to control them.

When asked how's her sleep, she said she has not been sleeping well. Her husband passed away suddenly more than 1 year ago and she'll think of him at night when she's supposed to sleep. Prof S wanted to know why she still thinks of him and how does she feel whenever she thinks of him but it was hard since she is a Malay and the patient is a Chinese so I helped to translate.

She said she's not gotten over him. There're lots of things that she wants to know but now she can't get the answer because her husband is not here anymore. Because it's a sudden death, her husband left without leaving any last words and there're lots of things that she doesn't understand. These had been bothering her and it didn't get better with time.

I was standing directly facing her and I saw tears welling up in her eyes. But she controlled herself. At that moment, I felt for her. She's still young and her husband passed away suddenly. She must have loved him and still is.

Love is something very funny yet strong. Just because I'd been saying that I don't want to get in a relationship, doesn't mean that I don't believe in love. I just don't believe that it'll happen to me.

Because of love, she got married and have 3 kids and because of love, her bereavement period prolonged. She lost her husband suddenly without any prior notice and it broke her. And now, she stayed at home with her 3 children who are in their rebellious stage. These are taking a toll on her even though she is trying to be tough.

I wanted to talk to her more, to explain to her why these questions were asked and to make sure that she understood everything but I was not the one who clerked her. I couldn't possibly snatch the patient right under my group mate's nose and the teaching is going on. For that, I feel a little bad.

To this dear lady, no matter where you are now, I hope you'll find peace and be alright. I do hope you'll find your own happiness once more. I'm sorry for everything that had happened and I hope you'll make it through this trial. Once the rain has stopped, the rainbow will be out once again. Pray that you'll be able to go through everything.

Hopeless...

2011-07-31T19:39:00.003+08:00

About a year ago, I took up a responsibility that no one wanted.

I did all the preparations, I outlined everything, I collected all the info, and most importantly, I gathered everyone who agreed to join and wanted to be a part of the committee.

For the past one year, there were time when I felt a little annoyed, but I brushed it out of my mind since I was the one who took the responsibility. I need to complete it.

Now, I am worried. I was supposed to pass on this responsibility to the next person, but I haven't completed it. I'd been sending sms telling those in charge that I really need the pages, I really need to complete this, I really need to see the ideas materialize. But somehow, everything seems to fall to deaf ears, or in this case, blind eyes.

Is it because that I don't scream, they think that it's ok?

Is it because that I smile and said 'it's ok', they think that I don't mind?

Is it because that I don't put up an angry face or cry in front of them or beg them, they think that 'Oh, never mind, she won't mind, we can hand in anytime.'

I know you're busy. I understand. That's why when you hand in slightly later when you're busy, I'll tell you that it's ok and I'll thank you with all my heart when you do pass up. I was and still am in your shoes now. I know it's not easy to juggle study and other responsibilities at the same time. I was put in that condition when I was preparing for dance competition. I broke down a few times but those tears only made me stronger and I continued to strive. I know that medical school is not easy. We have thick books to study, endless notes to flip through and tough exams to go through. But 1 year has passed, some had finished what they had to do, why can't you too? Can't you at least tell me why instead of trying to avoid me? Am I that annoying?

I still need to summit everything to Dr. Loh and Prof Jun. By the time when I do that, I need to explain myself for not finishing this on time. Worst case scenario, I need to explain to them why I can't publish a magazine this year when all the other ex-editors finished and published the magazine before July. Will I blame it on you? I don't know. Maybe I'll just look down and apologize for being an incapable editor. Maybe I'll take all the blame myself since I'm the head of this project and that's what a head is for, taking blame for everything that the others made.

Can you just put yourself in my shoes and try to complete them so that all of us will not be look down at?

Today is the last day of July. On the first day, I was confident that I'll make this a success. I thought I can show that I can do this too. But now, I'd lost my confidence. Maybe I'm just not as good as I think I am. Maybe I'm just a weakling.

I need all the strength now, dear God...

Fragile...

2011-07-29T23:54:00.006+08:00

After years of biology and 2 years of studying nothing (ok, maybe a few other minor minor things) but human body, one really can't help but to think that 'Wow, the human body is truly amazing!!!' We have the most perfect mechanisms to regulate our body, the most sophisticated systems to function and everything in the body, no matter how minute they are, are significant. Yet, the most perfect instrument has its own weak spots.

The human body can be very fragile too.

I was in neurological ward a few days ago. While searching for the doctor, we walked through the section where numbers of visitors are restricted. It was the section that has lots of life-supporting machines, lots and lots of tubing, ventilators, iv drips and so on and so forth. The one thing that strikes me the most was that almost all the patients were unconscious.

I passed by a bed where an old gentleman was lying down with lots of tubing. A man and a woman stood beside him, shook him gently and repeated "起来啦,不要再睡了啦." (Wake up, don't sleep already).

I passed by another room where a young child of the age of 3-5 was lying on the bed. Unconscious. The mother was looking out of the window with her back facing me. Though I didn't see her expression, her back told me that she was waiting. Waiting for her baby to wake up. Though the wait is long and seems hopeless, she'll not give up. She is going to wait till her child wake up.

These are scenarios that one typically sees in movie. But now, all of them just appear in real life and are playing right in front of my eyes. I guess what I have to do now is to learn as much as I can for I'd chosen an unusual path. Studying is no longer for the sake of passing exams and obtaining a degree, it has become a responsibility. If I don't take it seriously, at the end of the day, it's the patients who are going to suffer so I have the responsibility to do my best to avoid causing harms to my future patients.

If a human body which is made up of many and many and many components are fragile, then the human heart is even more fragile.

Lately, I'd seen people losing their heart and losing themselves. Even with the smiles on their faces and the cheerfulness of their conversations or fb status, I know that their heart is hurting in a way that a person like me, who had never been in a relationship before, can understand.

Few days ago, I heard this song and I searched for the music video. The song was sad and the actor in the music video was a brilliant one. He depicted heartbreak too well that my heart can't stop but to ache for him as well. Though it's in Cantonese but just by looking at the music video, one can guess what the song is depicting without understanding the language of the lyrics.

I guess no matter how strong something is, even a big solid stone, there'll always be the weak spot and once you figure out the spot, the object is no longer indestructible, it has become a fragile piece...

Sailing :)

2011-07-26T23:29:00.005+08:00

Today, I felt like sailing on a vast blue sea. One moment, the sea was calm and the sky was blue. The next moment, the wind was strong and it was raining with storms and thunders.

Went through gynae round. Had an enthusiastic Dr. who had shared a lot of her experiences with us. She taught us how to place ourselves in the patients' shoes so that we'll not hurt the patients. She told us that we're not here to be a doctor, we're here to be a good doctor. She told us how to put our heart in this profession and how to put in initiatives to improve our skills. She showed us that there're reasons why we do every steps and at the end of the day, everything is all about the patients and the satisfaction that we'll get from helping the patients is priceless. Thank you very much, Dr. :)

Went through surgical round with a neurosurgeon. Every one's sympathetic drive was strong and we held our breath till the end of the round. I felt really stupid and useless throughout the round. We were bombarded with questions and were asked to clerk a patient without any prior experience. I couldn't seem to recall anything that I'd read and I kept my mouth shut throughout the session. Needless to say, after the round, there were lots of comments about the dr's teaching. Ya, he was strict but I still have to thank him. Thanks for letting me know that I need to work harder. Thanks for showing me that I'm still not well-prepared. Thanks for telling us the consequences of not knowing the things that we need to know. Thanks for the lesson. I'm not going to blame him for everyone has their own style of teaching and as much as I felt uncomfortable, I did learn a few things too. I'm just going to blame myself for forgetting even after reading. For those who have lessons with him, do go well-prepared :)

We were asked to clerk a patient who is having neurological problems. He was awake but seem confused. So we took the history from the wife. While telling us the progression of his disease, the wife couldn't take it and broke down in front of us. The uncle noticed it and tried to comfort her as much as he could. No, I don't know what's wrong with the uncle since the doctor got frustrated with the way we took the history and asked us to go back to conference room. The wife is a very strong lady for she braced herself soon after she cried. I can see that they were a loving couple before the uncle was affected by the disease. Thanks uncle and aunty for showing me that true love does exist. Thanks for showing me how much someone can care for another person. I pray that God will look after both of you and though uncle may not get better, I pray that you'll keep the happy memories with you and be strong :)

Sailed through the unpredictable sea and I'd reached the shore safely with lessons learned and experiences gained :)

Contrast...

2011-07-11T20:34:00.002+08:00

This is what I found out during the short weekend at home.

Scene A

Me: My sister had had minimum 3 ex-boyfriends. And I really suspect she had more than that.

My friends: WHAT!!! So many!!!

Scene B

My sister: My sister (which means me) never had a boyfriend before.

Her friends:WHAT!!! Are you sure???

Who knew 2 sister whose age different is just a year can be so different?

Shadow...

2011-06-25T20:13:00.006+08:00

别叫我振作，因为我从来没有坚强过。

I guess that practically sums up how I feel today.

I thought I'd put my past behind me but today I felt depressingly small again. Oh, wait, not small. Insignificant. Yes, that's the word.

I guess no amount of time can shift the shadow which I'd been living under for the past 21 years.

The swan and the ugly duckling...

Photo taken from here.

Short break :)

2011-05-26T12:45:00.004+08:00

As of yesterday evening, after receiving THE sms, I'd officially ended my Phase II :) All praises to Him :) Now, I just have to prepare myself for clinical year. Excited but nervous as I know it won't be an easy journey. Just pray that I can manage it.

2 weeks of resting-at-home is coming to an end. Hope that elective will be a quick one (crossing fingers).

Didn't really do anything much. Didn't even touch academically-related books (a little guilty...). Basically, I glued myself to the sofa, switching channels with a novel in my hand :)

Caught some series: Leverage, CSI, CSI: NY, House, Fairly Legal, Hawaii Five-O, AFC (makes me hungry all the time), some food documentaries on TLC...

Did some housework.

Finished a few novels :D

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. For me, it's a story of how 2 people meet, fall in love, date, getting married and the death of a loved one. But it has a twist, the guy has an abnormal gene which allows him to time travel. Quite a good one.

Wicked by Gregory Maguire. Interesting concept but I found it quite hard to follow the story. After 277 pages out of 538 pages, I kind of gave up.

Life Support by Tess Gerritsen. A fast-paced novel form one of my favourite author. After the hard time with Wicked, this one reminded me of why I love reading :) Tess Gerritsen put a lot of efforts in the details and I love it till bits :) I couldn't put down the book till the last page!!!

The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry. Got it at a fantastic price of 9.90 and the book is equally facntastic :) I wasn't sure at first since I'd never heard of the author but it's good. I like it how the character told her story in a very convincing way until I forgot the warning that she gave at the start of the story. Would grab her next novel :)

The Gift by Cecelia Ahern. Read half of it a few months ago but abandoned it when I got very busy. Typical Cecelia Ahern's writing and I love the way she conveys her messages. This book is about appreciation and love towards family before it's too late. The character was a selfish one but in the end, I just couldn't help but felt pity towards him. Can't wait to get my hand on her next book-The Every Year Collection :) I don't usually spend money on short stories collection but Cecelia's short stories are sweet. Don't believe me? Read this :)

Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett. I'd read a few of his Discworld series and I like them. But this book is a little hard to follow since I'm not the kind who is interested in war stories. Terry Pratchett did insert a lot of humours like those that I read and they did make me laugh. I'll still continue to read Discworld series though it took me quite some time to finish this.

Wow... I guess I didn't finish much books. Well, I was busy watching tv :P

Am currently reading this. Just a few pages but I like her story after reading My Sister's Keeper. Hope this is as good :)

Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult.

Did some shopping. Didn't find many nice clothes though. Got 3 blouses, 3 pairs of shoes, 1 dress (love it :D) and 2 formal blouses. Finally went to Pavillion and Farenheit 88.

Going to get some hair cut. Hair too long and thick already. Bye :)

Sigh...

2011-04-21T17:28:00.003+08:00

In a not-so happy mood. More like depressed.

Sigh...

I don't know why but there're nagging thoughts in my mind: Do I have what it takes to be a doctor? Can I be a good doctor? Will I pass all my exams to be a doctor?

Sigh...

Am I on the right track???

A Friend In Need is A Friend Indeed :)

2011-04-20T20:53:00.002+08:00

A dear friend of mine was admitted to the hospital this morning due to Grade 3 Acute Exudate Tonsillitis. Thank God she is doing fine but the inflammatory response was giving her a lot of pain and discomfort.

Seeing her feeling hungry but can't eat solid foods, seeing her in pain when she's drinking water and seeing the always bubbly girl using hands instead of mouth to communicate with us, I felt quite sad for her.

She had always been a good friend from the start. She was one of the few who saw something in me when I was almost a wallpaper among my batch mates. All these while, she had been encouraging me when I lost my confidence. When I did something wrong, she gave me advices which are honest yet not so painful to hear.

I still remember during my first dance competition, I was a little disappointed since no one came and supported. I tried to tell myself to get over it since all of them had choir practice and it's really a hassle to walk from college to the hall. After the competition, I received a sms from her telling me that it was an awesome show and I shouldn't look down on myself since I had done something which nobody would have the courage to do. I'd never thought that she would come. I was so touched, I almost cried on the spot.

Thank you so much for everything. May God bless you and pray that you will have a speedy recovery. Will keep you in my prayer :)

What I learned from Dance :)

2011-04-09T08:48:00.005+08:00

Attended the Dance Showcase by the dance students from my uni. And I can honestly say that it's one of the most memorable nights to me.

Seeing the students dance with passion on the stage, even when they were nervous, lots of thoughts filled my mind. Every emotional could be felt, every energy was clearly displayed and most of all, the joy and the love they have for what they were doing were portrayed. Abang Din was so energetic and cute on stage!!! Salute him :)

The night was very different from the nights that I am used to. The laughter, the cheer, the applause and the colourful stage and costumes were a contrast with medical school life. Friends joked about wanting to change course but surprisingly, my heart said no. A firm no. No, I don't want to major in dance. My heart lies in Medicine and a doctor is what I want to be. Dancing is fun but it's just not the destination that I want to steer towards. It's one of the road that I would like to stroll on to de-stress and to have fun but not as the main one.

When I was asked what was Dance Showcase all about, I thought I could give a very wonderful answer but after searching my minds for suitable descriptions, all I could say was 'It's just like performing long case and short case, whereby they have to perform in front of audiences who like dance show and lecturers who will evaluate you while we have to perform in front of a patient who is sick and doctors who will evaluate us.'

A breathtaking dance may be done effortlessly and gracefully by the dancers on the stage but in order to reach that near-perfect level, the preparations and practices behind-the-scene were painstaking. Just like medicine, examining a patient may be done effortlessly and professionally by doctorts but in order to reach the level, the preparations and practices by the doctor standing in front of you were painstaking too. Cramping endless info into your brain, being psycho-ed by your fellow batch mates, dealing with difficult batch mates, being scolded by doctors, feeling useless after lecturers' comments... The road in medical field is a bumpy one so much so that simple compliments can make me feel like a little girl who had just given chocolate(no matter how small it is), the comfort back home which I'd taken granted is always longed for and all the wonderful things in life are very much appreciated now.

Seeing how strong is their passion and joy towards what they are doing, I was put to shame. Medicine is something that I'm passionate about. But after nearly 2 years of being subjected to the stress, my confidence towards my ability has decreased. Failing quizzes, not reaching my target during final, not able to answer questions even after I just finished reading so on and so forth, I feel stupid. Now, I do not want the passion to fade away. From the start, money and fame were never my goal. All I want to is to help and comfort. To take care of people and to provide support to the people just like how I want to if I'm sick and unwell.

I want to show my passion towards medicine just like how the dancers showed their passion towards dancing.

I want to show my love towards medicine just like how the dancers showed their joy towards dancing.

I want to be good in what I'm passionate about just like how the dancers could dance so well in the dance that they are passionate about.

Most of all, I hope I can put in the efforts to perfect my skills just like how the dancers put in all the efforts to perfect their dance.

Inspiration and motivation can come in many ways and I got mine on a colourful and lively night :) Just pray that it'll not fade away so soon. Pray that clinical year will agree with me. I'll thicken up my face to learn. Just pray that I'm on the right track :)

But do let me get through my second year without having to trip on a big stone :P

Am praying hard now :) I don't really have much confidence towards the coming conass. If I do pass, the glory is all Yours, Lord. If I don't, I know it's a lesson that You want me to learn. I'll try my best :)

Met up with Abang Din and Poh Gee lao shi yesterday night. So happy to see them :) And had a great supper session with fellow dancing mates after the showcase. Though we're staying in the same college, we seldom meet each other or have time to sit down and chat. Thanks for showing me that dance is fun and wonderful. I obtained not only joy from all these, I learned a lot more about life :) Thanks Lord for giving me this chance unexpectedly :)

The Apple...

2011-04-02T20:49:00.004+08:00

This is a story of an apple which lives on a tree. It's not way up on top of the tree yet it's still not at the lowest bottom of the tree (at least it hopes so).

On the same tree, there lives lots of apples too. Red, juicy ones, green, sour ones, the just-nice ones, the big ones, the small ones... And of course, there are lots of branches too.

This apple lives at a particular part where there are lots of branches. Being on the tree for many years, it has gotten used of the branches and had learned how to look at its surrounding without letting the branches blocking its view. The branches are just too many and few will bother to look beyond them so this apple has always gone unnoticed. Of course, the apple was a little annoyed and disappointed at first but as time goes by, being invisible is something that it has mastered and it works well for the apple.

One year follows another, this apple has seen many fellows apples leaving the tree and went with the hands who picked them away. They went with joy. Some ended in loving hands who know the exact way of nurturing them and these apples ended up sweeter and better than before. Some got crushed and ended up being bitter. Some strong ones still remained the same or even better after the terrible weather they had been through. Some apples on the tree envy all the good apples and everyday, they long for a hand to take them away from this tree. Some of these place their faith in God's hands. Some are a little impatient and some are really desperate.

This apple remains neutral. It is happy for those sweet ones and sad for those who had to go through rough wind and heavy rain. Instead of dreaming for a good hand to come and find it, it prefers to stay still among the branches. Fellow apples asked 'why'. Passer-bys asked 'why'. Ya, why? Why make this weird decision? Doesn't the apple want happiness too?

The apple just smile. Why subject itself to uncertainties when it is contend with the way it is now? Why let people nurture it when it knows it is not an easy apple to nurture? Why gives itself so many hopes when the hopes can be crushed easily? There are too many apples better that it surrounding it so there's no point hoping. Hope is something great and the apple places all its hope into other things instead of a hand. At least, when it sees hands choosing their own apple, it won't get disappointed when the hands pick other better apples instead of it. Staying grounded is better since the apple won't start to think that there's a hand coming towards it when it's just some winds rustling. Besides, its surrounding are full of branches. No hands will want to ruin and hurting themselves by passing through all the branches.

Despite what the apple thinks, other apples deserve to be happy. Seeing other apples being nurtured well, it smiles and it is happy. Yes, the apple is truly happy with the way it is now. Besides, everything is in God's hands. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If it's not, it will not :)

THE END

Finish dreaming, now back to reality (books). I wonder how much I read will truly stick to my brain forever. Please stay in my brain, I need you all. Not only during exam but throughout my life in medical field. They are not just for exam purpose, my future patients (hopefully) need them more than I do. Praying hard now :)

Frust...

2011-03-22T10:47:00.003+08:00

Should have shut my mouth in the first place.

From our conversations, I thought we share the same thought about certain issues. Apparently not.

As much as I wish things are how all of us wants it to be ( I do want it to happen that way), it did not. I wish I can change it but I can't.

No, I can but it goes against my own principles. I'll try to stop the same thing from happening again but there are limitations, there are certain things that I can control without offending people.

Call me evil, call me stubborn, call me stupid. I don't know how many of you are going to be angry with me but I won't do it. I can't criticise people for doing it and then do it myself. It's just wrong.

I'm sorry.

Luke 6:31 'Do to others as you would have them to you.'

Luke 6:37 '... A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.'

Sighing...

2011-03-21T14:48:00.004+08:00

Unfairness do happen no matter how fair you try to make it be.

There are times when I wish to voice out but can I? I have no control of everything and so I try to voice out only when I'm sure it won't offend anyone. Maybe I'm too timid but that's how I am.

Dislike when people don't place themselves in others' shoes. There are more to this world besides you yourself.

Dislike when people make assumption and think that they are right. Just because the person looks that way, it doesn't mean that he/she is really that kind of people. There are more to a person besides how he/she appears physically.

Dislike when people take things in their hands. Your decision may sound perfect for you but it may not be so to others.

I know I'm not perfect and I'm constantly trying to improve myself. Sometimes, I do wish that I can tell someone how I feel without them being offended. To have someone telling you your weakness is not easy, I know. I was told a few times in my life and that feeling sucks but thanks to the one who was brave enough to give me criticisms, I'm constantly trying to avoid behaving in ways that people dislike.

Life is definitely not as easy ride. But I know He's always there to be my provider and I do believe in prayers. Thank you God :)

Another emo post by an emo me...

Journey :)

2011-03-04T22:28:00.008+08:00

Medical school is not an easy ride. Throughout my ride on this journey, I'd heard how my friend complained about how medical school had changed her from a happy-go-lucky girl to a dull and mundane girl. She is frustrated about how her life in now revolving around study and study only. I'm sure she is not the only one. The stress here is too great and sometimes, one tend to stick to the more straightforward pathway so as to get to the destination safely. No more taking risk. No more spending time in something else which is non-medical. No more letting yourself loose.

A few months ago, I made a decision to explore the bumpy pathway once again-dancing. Last year, it was a journey filled with tears, sweat and hard work but at the end, it was all worthwhile. There's just something sweet about the journey. Yes, there were tears but it was not as bad as last year. Somehow, my body was more obedient this time and I didn't have to struggle as hard as last year.

As usual, I joined 2 dances, tarian traditional kebangsaan and tarian kreatif. Lots of time were sacrificed for the practices but I am happy. Though there were some changes with the team members, we formed a bond between us fast and I truly enjoy the time we had together. I am also grateful for the great trainers we had, namely Abang Din, Abang Udean and Poh Gee lao shi. They were really patient with us though we do not have any basics in dancing. There were some funny moments (eg: The botox face) and embarrassing moments (eg: The 'Ipoh' incident). Because of their patience and inspiration, we were even more determined to do everything right for we really didn't want to disappoint them.

Our hard work did pay off at the end. Tarian Zapin and Joget were done nicely. Phewww... Though we didn't get any placing, we were happy because we know we had done our best and it was also the best one that our trainers had seen.

Preparing to go to rehearsal.

Us on the stage :)

Me after thick layer of make up...

Us outside DTC :)

Monday was the final competition, Tarian Kreatif. We managed to get 3rd place and best costume. The moment the result were out, all of us were jumping and hugging each other. It was definitely a big bonus for us :)

Us on the stage :)

Wax statue of me :P

Us with the technical team, our college penyelia, Puan Aida and our trainers :)

To all my dancing mates: Ana, Chu Yee, Marcella, Nini, Azlah, Kina, Boni, Taufiq, Hafiz, Irish, you guys are great and it's my pleasure to have all of you in this journey :) We proved that medical students can also dance :D Don't forget our post-FESENI gathering :)

To our trainers: Abang Din, Abang Udean, Poh Gee lao shi and those who came and helped us with the preparations, thanks for the support and patience :) Hope there'll be a time I can learn dancing from you again (though the chance seems rare). It's a pleasure to have all of you as our guidance throughout this journey and make the unfamiliar pathway more inviting and less scary :)

To God, thanks for being with me throughout this journey and thanks for the strength that you'd given me. Without You, I know I'll not be able to stand here and smile today. Thank you for always guiding me and comforting me when I'm feeling down. All glory are to you and only you, dear Lord :)

Now, it's back to reality. Night has seemed boring but life goes on. I still have lots of things to catch up :S Just pray that I'll reach the checkpoint safely. Same goes to the rest of us :)

P.S: Realised one thing. The only time when I can smile for a long time without feeling tired is on stage :)

Exhaustion...

2011-02-23T17:49:00.003+08:00

Phew... I'd never felt so tired for a long time already...

It doesn't matter if I sleep at 1 something or 3 something, I'll still feel very sleepy during the lectures the next morning.

Last time, I used to stay wide awake for the daily 8-10 am lectures, but now my concentration has reduced to half.

Last time, half an hour of sleep in the afternoon was sufficient for me, but now whenever my head hit the pillow, I'll need more than an hour of sleep.

Just when I think that I can rest after the competition on Monday, I took a glance at the timetable and I almost fainted. Class will start from 8 as usual and there'll be afternoon classes from Tuesday to Thursday. Sigh... I have to bid goodbye to the cg camp next weekend. Even though I'd been looking forward for it, I really need the rest and sleep like nobody's business.

Yet, I'm happy. All the efforts are worth the while. It doesn't matter if you think that I'm stupid to put myself in this situation. I know I'm loving every seconds of it and I'll never get this chance again.

This weekend will be the end of every sweat, tears and hard work. I'll miss this moment. Just pray that everything will run well and we'll have the time of our life :)

All the best to us, dancers. It's great to be a part of this :)

Consequence of Putting Eggs in One Basket...

2011-02-14T17:06:00.003+08:00

I thought I'll be in but I guess wrong.

I guess I'm just not good enough as I thought I am.

Well, at least I know earlier then later.

Time to put up a strong face and move on...

Fishing for Confidence...

2011-02-12T23:58:00.003+08:00

Philippians 3:13 '...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead'.

Reading through this passage, I wonder whether I'd reached this point. Everyone has their own story and I remember reading a quote which said that people are what they are not because they chose to be, it's because of things that happened in their past. And I have to agree with this.

Did my own past mold me to what I am today? If yes, I really wish that none of everything had ever happened.

I remember from they day I understand language and everything, I was called a fat and short girl. And it went on throughout my secondary school life. People were always comparing my sister with me. I was even called 'burger' by my relatives. Once, a guy came up to me and asked me whether I am planning to go on a diet. It's not that I am angry but though I am used to all of these, it still hurt. So if you're wondering why am I so obsess about my appearance, the above sentences are the 'why'.

Since leaving secondary school, I was brought out of my little hometown to other places. Though my body had left the place where I got hurt the most, I could not leave the bruises behind. They no longer bleed or hurt as they used to but the scars are still there. I found it hard to communicate with people of my same race and mood swings do strike at times. If you're wondering why am I so quiet with apparent lack of confidence, I guess since young, no one expected me to talk or do anything great and I'd been living like this since don't know when.

Since entering uni, I was involved in a few things and one of the main one is dancing. During my first year, when everyone was catching up, I felt myself falling behind day by day. The pressure was too great for me and for a while, it was hard for me to put a smile on face. I wanted to quit but it felt so irresponsible and I felt an attachment with dancing and I could not bring myself to break it off. Somehow, thanks to my lovely teammate and the ever wonderful God, I pulled it through.

This is my second year dancing. From the start, I wanted to pull myself out of traditional dance since it's not something which comes easily for me. But for the same reasons as above, I stayed forth. Now, with the competition just around the corner, I wonder whether it is a mistake that I stay on.

To my dancing mates, though most of you are not reading this, I just want to apologise. If I do seem paranoid, it's because I'm scared. I do not want history of breaking down to repeat again. If I do annoy you, it's because I can't seem to find the confidence. I'll try my best but I can't be certain that my best is the best. I just pray that I'll get through these without disappointing all of you. I wish that I can put the above verse from Philippians to practice but I can't seem to fish out the confidence in me yet.

Philippians 4:4-7 '⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'

Sorry :(

2010-12-21T00:53:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say. Honestly speaking, I'm not that kind of person who gets angry or frustrated easily. No matter what happen, I'll just take it lightly and go along with it.

These few days had been crazy. With Christmas drama and dance, dance practice and the coming project meeting, I didn't spend much time in the room. It's busy especially when Christmas night is less than 24 hours away but it makes me happy. I may not be an expert in drama and dance but I do enjoy them. Seeing everything falling into places even if we didn't have much time for practice, it makes me even more thankful to God :)

We just had our intensive dance practice on top of our weekly practice last weekend. Needless to say, my legs were confused and I still couldn't really get all the steps. And now, I'm stuck with painful thigh muscles. The pain worsen every time I walk or using the stairs (God knows how many flights of stairs I have to use from my block to faculty.) But I'm truly enjoying myself. I know I'll manage to get the dance steps if I continue the practice. Pain is part of a parcel of dancing and enduring pain is not something that is so difficult to do. The dance may not be easy and I know there'll be intensive sessions soon but I'm more than willing to embrace them.

The final thing on my list-project meeting. I've always been interested in campaigns or any projects which involve health promotion for I really feel like I can contribute to the society with the knowledge that I have. The moment I knew there's empty space in the project, I jumped into it. But now, everything is going haywire and the guilt is haunting me day after day and with the meeting coming soon, I don't know how to laugh anymore. And to my own surprise, I threw a minor tantrum in the room just now when I thought of the coming meeting. I was really frustrated and I have no clue on what to do. It's my responsibility but it's really beyond my ability. Now, I feel like a burden to the whole project and everybody has the result and I'm still stuck at the starting point. It may be something easy but it's not what I can do and what I'm interested. I'd never thought my job scope will include this when I first put up my hand. Should I give up and step down? I just don't know. If I really cannot do this, why don't I just pass it to somebody who can manage this well? It'll be better for everyone but the guilt is haunting me. I really don't want to hurt the rest and myself too. Just pray that God will guide me through this. I really need the strength to go through this. Just pray that I'll make a wise decision soon.

Really pray that God will bless the Christmas Night tomorrow too. Time may not be on our side but I know that You'll be by our side, watching after us. Just pray that our message will come across to others and touch everyone's heart :)

Touched :)

2010-12-17T19:23:00.006+08:00

Watched this and I was touched by what he did and still doing. Love is indeed a powerful thing. Though it had been misused for some wrong reasons (eg committing suicide), it had pushed people to do something amazing. Why are we desperately searching for a superhero when everyone can be one if one will just show his/her love and lend a helping hand?

While watching this, I was reminded of my ward round with Prof Goh on Wednesday. Since we were doing the GIT system, he brought us to see a few patients who are suffering from liver-related diseases. He started off by demonstrating abdominal examination on the first patient. He told us that in order to perform the examination, the best position is to sit on a chair. If there's no chair or a modern bed where you can lift up the bed, you kneel. Then he dropped to his knees besides the patient's bed and started the examination. Till now, I still can't erase that image out of my mind. I still remember the first time I saw his title (Prof. Dato' Dr), we were like 'wow' and of course, we somehow thought that with a title like this, he's going to be a malignant one. But thank God, it's quite the opposite. And seeing him in that position besides a patient who has no relation whatsoever to him, my mind drifted to the ROSE (Reaching Out to Students through English) training programme. One of the speaker stressed that this programme is all about love and when he asked me THE question on why I chose medic, I answered: Because this is a noble profession. And on that Wednesday morning, I was shown on how truly noble is the job. It may not be something extravaganza but sometimes, it's the little act that touches people's heart more than ever. I'll definitely work hard towards my dream of becoming a good doctor and pray that God will guide me through this journey too :)

重蹈覆辙. 1 saying, 4 characters, yet it threatened to open up the wound that I forcefully sutured up.

Thanks :)

2010-12-14T20:23:00.004+08:00

Thank You, Lord :)

Thank You so much for everything. It may not be much but I am equally thankful. I know that if it isn't for You, things will be even horrible. Just pray that as I'm starting another hectic chapter in my second year, You'll still be my side. I can foresee busy months with late-night practices and all but I will not fret nor complain for I know that You'll not abandon me.

I promise that I'll work even harder. I'll learn from the mistakes and improve myself. Just pray that You'll guide and lead me too.

Thank You, Lord. I don't know what I'd done to deserve a love like Yours but I am thankful :)

P.S: Thanks also for the very understanding friends and roomie :)
It's not easy when both your parents are teachers. I had tried but somehow it's just difficult to let my mum understand that medical school is really different from secondary school. Last time, everything seemed to be easy and getting anything less than A was bad. But now, things are different yet I fail to let them see the difference. Can I just forget the comments that you said? :(

Pictures :)

2010-12-06T19:21:00.011+08:00

"A picture is worth a thousand words." That was what Prof. Goh told us last week when he brought us to see the doctors performing endoscopy and colonoscopy. It's great to have him as our professor for medicine round :) And I really agree with him when he said that our aim in medical school is not just to pass our exam, it's about learning as much as we can to be a good doctor and make our parents proud of us. I may not be the smartest one and I admit that though I may had read the pages 3 or 4 times, I still find it hard to remember every single thing. But I still want to try my best. All I want to be is a good doctor and even if it means no holiday, no rest and no leisure, I still want to go for it. I'm really thankful to God that I have the chance to be in the seat where tons of students fought for and still fight for every year :) Just pray that I'll have the strength and the wisdom to go through the remaining 4 years in medical school :)

Picture time!!!

The bear that I got :)

The lovely card :) Really miss playing the piano...

The warm wishes :)

The little present that the 'us' in cg gave me :)

Something special from my 'twin' :)

Another trip to the bookshop!!! This time I only got 5 books. Must save money :P

One of Baby Blues comic and a snowman book mark that I got for Michelle for her Christmas gift :)

2 candy each for Michelle's sister, Catherine and Melissa :)

The lovely book thong that I got after renewing my membership card. Can't believe I'd been buying books from Bookxcess for 3 years. And I'll still continue to go there to get all my books :D

Since tomorrow is a holiday, I'm going to spend the whole night reading :) Once lectures start to get busy, I'll definitely miss this time when I can lay back and enjoy my novel. Well, it's one sacrifice that I'm willing to make :)

First post of a 20-year-old :)

2010-12-05T22:12:00.005+08:00

Well, finally, I'm 20. All these while, I'd been telling people that I'm 19 and now that 2nd December had passed, I guess I have to admit that I'm 20.

All these years, my birthdays were always during the school holiday and I only celebrated with my family. This year, it's really my first time having friends secretly planning my birthday and throwing me a surprise and having people besides my family singing birthday song to me. It may not be extravaganza but I'm really thankful and touched.

Thanks for the lovely meal at Pasta Zanmai. Though at the end, I had to force myself to swallow down the plate of pasta, it was undeniably a nice meal :)

Thanks for the walk and all the photos we took around Mid Valley with the warm and adorable Christmas decorations. Though I was tired and couldn't stop yawning, it was nice to have you girls around :)

Thanks for the birthday songs and the surprise at 12.00 am. Though the smell of whipping cream haunted me for a day, it was touching to know that you girls remembered my birthday and took the trouble to celebrate with me :)

Thanks for the adorable bow-tie bear and the card by Han Jun, Chu Yee, Cheng Nee, Aileen, Winnie and Choon Fong. Though it was not easy to buy a bear and hide it in the bag while walking around Mid Valley with me, it was my first time receiving a bear and I can't seem to take my eyes off it :)

Thanks for the birthday songs during lecture. Though it was a little bit awkward with people looking at me and singing to me, it truly made my day :)

Thanks for the birthday song and the birthday present from the 'us' of the cg group. Though I don't know who exactly are the 'us', it's really a blessing to know you guys and I pray that we'll all grow stronger in God :)

Thanks for the lovely dinner by my parents who came all the way here just to celebrate my birthday. Though there wasn't any cake like previous years, the meal was nice and warm and I'm really thankful to have a family like this :)

Thanks for all the wishes via sms, facebook and face-to-face. Though I had to reply 100 ++ wishes on facebook, I was smiling while doing so :)

Thankfully, the final is over. It was really my first time spending my study week at home, skipping the ward round during the study week (and I still feel guilty) and crying a lot (without my parents presence, of course). Result is coming out soon and the thought of it is sufficient to make me go nuts. I wished I'd done better but I know I cannot turn back the clock so I'd been pushing it to the back of my mind. Just pray that everything will turn out to be alright. No matter what happen, I will continue to praise Your name, dear Lord :)

At the bright side, I finally have some time to indulge myself in novel-reading. I told myself I'll stop after the 3rd one. Then I continued to the 4th one and told myself the same thing. And now, I'm reading the 5th one. Sigh... Can't believe that what was a pleasure to me has become a guilty pleasure ever since I became a medical student. But it's nice to escape to another world when I feel bored and lazy. The past weekend had been boring. The floor was almost empty. Most of the girls went back, 2 girls went dating and roomie had a family problem which forced her to pack her bag and left on Friday (I'm sorry to hear the news, roomie).

I guess I better stop before this gets any longer and mundane. Was planning to upload some photos but something went wrong with the memory card. Hmmm... Will post the photos once I figure out what went wrong with the memory card (though I doubt I will ever understand all those technical items).

Toodles :)

ABC About Me :)

2010-11-29T22:58:00.006+08:00

Since I was tagged by Nana and I got nothing to do besides finishing my novels, here I am answering another sets of questions.

A-Available: Haha... What a question. Everybody knows that I'm single.
B-Birthday: 2nd December every year. And I finally have to admit that I'm a 20-year-old :(
C-Crushing on: Haha... Another funny question. No one.
D-Drink you last had: Ice blended fruit juice (Don't remember the exact name). Yummy :D
E-Easiest person to talk to: Someone who can prompt me to talk more and makes me smile and laugh :)
F-Favourite song at the moment: Hmmm... Can't really pin-point one... Terrified-Katherine McPhee
H-Hometown: Tampin, Negeri Sembilan :)
I-In love with: My family and the wonderful God :)
J-Juggle: Between studying and all the upcoming projects :( Really praying for all the strength, Lord :)
K-Killed someone: Haha... No strength to do so.
L-Longest car ride: The journey from Kajang to Kelantan.
M-Milkshake flavour: Hmmm... Fruits or chocolate :)
N-Number of sibling: 1 little sister.
O-One wish: To be closer to God :)
P-Person you called last: My buddy.
R-Reason to smile: To know that God and my family are always with me :)
S-Song you last heard: Hmmm... Can't really recall...
T-Time you woke up: 6.45 am.
U-Utensils used to eat noodles: Chopsticks and spoon.
V-Vegetable: Love them especially the leafy kangkung (I think it's kangkung...)
W-Worst habit: Torturing my fingers until they start to bleed whenever I'm too tired. (Am trying my best to stop it.)
X-X-rays you had recently: The one for uni registration.
Y-Yoyos are: Impossible to play it correctly.
Z-Zodiac sign: Sagittarius :)

Random Questions about you:
Your favourite number/s: Ermmm... 2, perhaps?
What colour do you wear most: Black and white.
Most favourite colour: Hmmm... Sky blue.
What are you listening to: The sound of me typing the keyboards....
Are you happy with your life right now? Am quite contented with what I have now :)
What is your favourite class in school: Add Maths with Mr. Gan :)
Who is/are your best friend/s: They know who they are :)
Are you outgoing: Depends on the person.
Favourite pair of shoes: Nice yet simple pairs of flat :)
Can you dance: I need practices but I do enjoy it :)
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth: Huh???
Can you whistle: Nope.
Cross your eyes: Nope.
Walk with your toes curled: Nope.

Do you believe in:
Life in other planets: Nope.
Miracles: Yup :)
Magic: The magical things that can happen in life :)
Love at first sight: With cute doggy :D
Santa: Never believed in one.
Do you know how to swim: Nope.
Do you like roller coaster: The thought of it can makes me go tachycardia already...
Do you think you can handle the stuff they eat on reality show: Ewww...
Have you ever been on a plane: The fake one in Petrol Sains, KLCC.
Have you ever asked someone out: Friends for shopping trip :)
Have you ever been to the ocean: Nope.
Have you ever painted your nails: Nope.

The What's:
What is the temperature outside: The usual one in Malaysia;
What radio station do you listen to: Mix, Hitz, My, Fly, One, Lite.
What was the last restaurant you ate at: T-bowl in Sunway Pyramid.
What was the last thing you bought: A cardigan, finally :)
What was the last thing on tv you watched: Some movie on Hallmark Channel.

The Who's:
Who was the last person you IM'd: Saren.
Who was the last person you took a picture of: Chu Yee and Han Jun.
Who was the last person you said I love you too: God :)

Crying Section:
Ever really cried your heart out: Definitely.
Ever cried yourself to sleep: Definitely.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder: No.
Do you cry when you get an injury: Depends.

Happy section:
Are you a happy person: Trying to maintain a cheerful self :)

Look at me:
What is your current hair colour: Black.

Currently wearing:
What shirt are you wearing: White t-shirt with 3 giraffes.
Pants: Black shorts.
Shoes: None.
Necklace: None.

In a boy/girl:
Favourite eye colour: Blue but impossible.
Short or long hair: Short.
Height: MUST be taller than me.

Have you ever:
Been to jail: Definitely no.
Mooned someone: Huh???
Thought about suicide: A very very very long time ago.
Laughed so hard you cried: Yup.
Cried in school: I was the famous 'crying baby' way back in school.
Thrown up in a store: No.
Wanted to be a model: The minimum height and weight requirements are just impossible.
Seen a dead body: Yes.
Been on drugs: Never.
Gone skinny dipping: I'm still sane.

This or that:
Pepsi or cola: Neither.
McDonald's or Burger King: Wendy.
Single or group dates: Single.
Chocolate or vanilla: Simple. Chocolate :)
Strawberry or blueberries: Strawberries.
Meat or veggies: Both.
TV or movie: Both.
Guitar or drums: Guitar.
Adidas or Nike: Hmmm...

Books!!!

2010-10-18T20:06:00.002+08:00

I can't help but to post this. Hehe :P

I heart bookxcess for all the great books :)

It has been a long long long time since I last took photos of the bulk of books I bought (normally from bookxcess). But thanks to Shelfari, I am able to keep track of the books in my mini-library :)

So starting from now on, I'll remember to take photos. And it just makes me happy to see the books :) I'm such a great bookworm :D

One thing about being a medical student. I need to munch and digest all the pathology, parasitology, medical microbiology and pharmacology notes and books until I got no time to read :(

So many books, so little time to read :(

Mood Score :)

2010-10-11T16:48:00.005+08:00

It's hard to pin point a value for I myself also don't know what's the score.

Now, there're waves of calmness in me. Looking back at the previous posts, I realised I was really troubled by the events happening.

For the past few days, the words of God had been really helpful to me. People asked me to just cry and let everything out but I managed to find all the excuses of not to do so. Too busy, must concentrate, must study, need more rest, don't want to wake up with panda bengkak eyes...

Now I found the most perfect way to feel happy. Just pray and put all my troubles away. It's great to know that He is always there for me, sharing my burden and take away my fear and sadness.

Thanks for listening to my prayers and thank You for always watching me. Though I am not worthy of it but thank You for your love. There's nothing greater that Your love :)

Mood score - Because of You, from low to high :)

Wall...

2010-10-09T00:44:00.005+08:00

Attended a fantastic meeting today and it'd kept me thinking until now. Some of the things that the speaker said were like arrows directly pointing towards me and I could actually relate to so many emotions that I have had for all these while.

I guess I'm finally admitting that even after more than a year, there's still a rather thick wall surrounding me. I still haven't really felt like I'm a part of them and I still unconsciously distancing myself from them while wondering what's wrong with me.

It's just sad to see the wall around me even after a year has passed. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough ever since I'd been disappointed by people. I'd learned how to be invisible even if I'm surrounded by lots of people including those whom I'd acquainted with. But I still have a constant fear that people will just take my quietness as a part of me and leave me by myself.

After more than a year, maybe they have accepted the fact that I'm a quiet and passive one. The wall has grown thicker since then. Sometimes when I thought that there's a chance to break it, silence continued and the wall remained till today.

I want to see the wall disappear. I don't want to run away anymore just so that I won't feel left out. It's harder when every time I try to speak, all the sentences seem to disappear into thin air without leaving a single mark at all. I no longer know how to join in a group conversation anymore when all of the sentences will drown in the crowd and no one seems to hear a single thing. I'm at loss of what to do and the only way that I can think of is prayers.

Really pray that one day, the wall will collapse and for once, I can try to be myself.

Thanks for your love, dear God :)

p.s. This is really stupid but I really hope that Tuesday will not come at all :(

Dandelion :)

2010-09-14T19:31:00.006+08:00

For a while, I've been lightly holding a dandelion on my hand. Always holding but hiding it. Always holding but denying it. Always holding but ignoring it.

People say: take a dandelion, make a wish, blow it, and your wish will come true.

I do hope that there'll be a day when I can finally blow the dandelion and seeing the wish coming true. But it's very obvious that it is impossible. I'd tried telling myself that there's still some hope but now I realise I'm only lying to myself. It's so obvious but I turned a blind eye.

Now, I don't want to continue to be a foolish girl. I'm finally opening my eyes and admitting that those images are real. I'm no longer pushing all those truths to the back of my head and ignoring them.

I'm putting down the dandelion. And I won't turn back even if I'm tempted to do so. It may hurt a little but I believe time will wash away everything.

I'll get through this with a smile. I believe I can :)

Racism...

2010-08-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

Attended cg which was on Merdeka day.
Am currently involved in Countdown Kemerdekaan.

Throughout all these, the one thing that kept coming to my mind is racism.

I grew up in a small town where most people's mentality differ from mine. Both my parents are teacher. When I was young, before entering primary school, whenever there was school holiday, my parents would brought us to Kota Tinggi. There, we would spend days with an Indian family. My parents were very close to them and the family was very nice to us. Although I don't remember much of what we did there but I do remember that we enjoyed our time there.

When I was in kindergarden, thanks to my English-speaking parents, I could converse quite ok in English. Although there were a few kindergardens back home, most of them are mostly Chinese-speaking with a lot of Chinese kids. My parents send me to a kindergarden in a Catholic church where most of the non-Chinese attend. Almost everyone used English there and since my English was ok, I had no problem mixing with the other kids.

When it was time for me to enter primary school, my parents decided that Chinese is important. My dad was from a Chinese school and all of my relatives can only speak Chinese. My mum didn't have a chance to learn Chinese when she was young. Because of these, they send me to Chinese school. Throughout the six years there, I never interacted with people other than Chinese. The only time that I did was during festival seasons where my parents would bring us to their colleagues' open house. Even in school bus, I would not sit with the other races. I no longer spoke English. I used Chinese most of the time, even with my mum whom I used to communicate in English. I was so used to an all-Chinese environment that I didn't have to speak other languages besides Chinese and I didn't make any initiative to mix with the other races.

The moment came when I was going to enter secondary school. My parents didn't want to send me to a Chinese school anymore, especially my mum. She didn't want me to grow up in an all-Chinese environment. As much as Chinese is important, she thinks English is important. Furthermore, my mum doesn't like the mentality of most Chinese. In the end, I entered kebangsaan school. My class was a mixture of Chinese, Malay and Indian and since I was there, I started to mix with them. They also started to talk to me when my mum mentioned our relationship when she first entered our class. Most of my Indians and some of my Malays classmates came from a educated, middle and slightly upper-class family. Thus, they are fluent in English. I started to speak in English and mixed with them. Throughout my 5 years them, conflicts occurred between me and the Chinese. My relationship with the Chinese turned from normal to slightly-sour. There was just so much difference between me and the other Chinese. I found it hard to mix with them anymore. The only Chinese that I was closed to are those English-speaking ones too and most of them are guys. Whenever there was class events, I would be the one of the few Chinese who attend. They were very nice to me. While the Chinese thought that I was proud, fat, ugly, short and whatever else they talked about at my back, the others thought that I was willing to share and teach and they never said that I was fat and ugly. After so long, I truly tasted the sweetness of friendship.

During my one year in matrik, I seldom mixed with Chinese. I felt awkward with them and I didn't know how to communicate with my own race anymore. I was very close with the Malay there. Even they are surprised of how a Chinese girl could mix well with them. I spend a lot of time with them and they were very friendly and nice towards me. I was very happy.

After entering university, things changed. I was once again scared since I knew I don't know how to mix with my own race. When I found out that orientation was race-based, I cried terribly the night before. I didn't know how to and I was really scared that the old wounds from secondary school would open up again. But thankfully, I met some very nice Chinese girls whom I could communicate with and I'm still close to them. I still mix with the other races. I joined the Malay dance where I was the only Chinese. Throughout that period of time, when I was struggling hard with the dance and everything, my dance mates were very supportive. I remembered that particular time when I was lacking behind of the dance, when I no longer felt like I could do it. I seldom smile and there was a day when I just couldn't stop crying. Ana accompanied me in the washroom where I cried like a baby being derived of food and she never stopped encouraged me. The rest of my dance mates cheered for me and helped me with my dance.

Now, I am a second year student here. My very close Chinese friends are still the same group of girls and I still hang around with the other races. Through Minggu Haluansiswa, I had managed to know most of the juniors here and I'm still trying to know the Malay juniors who seldom approach me. I got to know more of my own Malay batch mates and because of the projects I'm involved in, I work with them often too.

But in university, I seldom where baju kurung or kebaya. I don't like how some will point at me and talk about it. Just last Thursday, when I wore a baju kurung, I spend my whole afternoon in Center Point before going to cg because I didn't want to pass by dewan makan where the seniors, batch mates and juniors would be there for lunch. There was also an incident where a batch mate of mine asked me why I seldom mix with the Chinese and spend a lot of time with the Malays.

Every one has their own goodness and their special qualities. One concept that I have is everyone is human and we all are the same. Having a fair skin doesn't mean that you're money-minded; having a hitam-manis skin doesn't mean that you're lazy; having a dark skin doesn't mean that you're poor. No matter what is your skin colour, your hearts and brains are of the same colour, make up of the same components, having almost the same size and have the same functions. Why must we discriminate others and label each other? When I had troubles and problems, they lend me a helping hands. I had gone through a time when the one by my side were the Malays and Indians while some Chinese made my life miserable. I had received complements from the Malays and Indians when some Chinese just couldn't stop criticise by body shape and my apparent lack of beauty.

Please don't misunderstand me. It's not that I dislike the Chinese, I just find it hard to be myself and talk to them after the incidents back then. I do appreciate the friendship that I have with some of the Chinese here (you know who you are and I'm really thankful and happy have you as my friends). I just pray that people will put aside the mentality and perceptions about the other races and try to look inside the hearts. Everyone has their own good qualities and everyone can learn from each other. I just pray that there'll be a time where everyone will stand up for each other and help each other instead of creating more issues on racism. All I want is tolerance in everyone of us and the ability to accept the differences among us and friendship among all of us. I just hope and pray that there'll be a time when I will feel ease and comfortable with my own race as well.

Happy birthday to the wonderful Malaysia in 2 days time :)

Lost...

2010-08-13T00:17:00.003+08:00

Putting a smile when you know that you just want to hide in a corner to cry is just so difficult. And that's why I'm putting down my pbl work and my studies to write this. If not, all the emotions just get pile up inside me and it just makes me feel worst.

It's funny how stuffs can happen suddenly without you knowing it. And it's even worst when all you know is the effects of the thing but not the cause.

I just don't understand how things will lead to this point when I can't even see the pathway to this point. Is it something that I did? But I'm just extremely sure that I didn't do anything at all. Nobody is sure of what had happened and those who know are turning their back on me. Even though it's really hurting but what else can I do but to let go of those? It's their decision to do so and I can't say anything much to change their mind.

I just don't understand how such a big issue can happen behind my back and I only get to know about it later. How long had I been a fool in front of all of them? How long had it happened? And most importantly, what had actually happened and what did I do to you?

People are telling me that they are ok already but how can you know that for sure? I'd been spending all my life facing people who smile at me and laugh with me but deep down, cursing me. I can no longer trust their smile anymore no matter how friendly it seems.

Despite of what had happened, I did get to appreciate the things that I'd have and always taken granted of.

Good friends are those who are with you when you hit really low and when you're on the verge of breaking down. To be honest, I never really have many friends that I could really talk to and when times got really bad, I used to lock myself in the bedroom and just cried in there. I couldn't even talk to my parents for they really thought that I should just forget everything and concentrate on my study. Thankfully, God was there for me and I made it through most of the time. Coming to this place doing this course is a blessing to me. I'd made friends with those whom I'll never expect that I'll be close to. All I did was run to their room and started crying while telling them of the problems. Thank you for putting down your books and spending your whole night with me. I really appreciate it :)

God is just great. People said that I'm strong for being able to go through the tough times in secondary school but I have to say that I'm not. I'm weak but He is always there for me whenever I stumble and fall. I spend my whole yesterday night on bed praying to God and told Him of the problems. I never thought of stopping the tears from flowing down for I'm going to Him as my vulnerable self and I don't want to act like a tough girl in front of Him for He knows me better than I even know myself. I'm still feeling lost and sad but I know that I'll be able to get through this with His help. And I'm thankful that when everyone turned their back, one stood with me firmly and nothing could change his/her stand. Though I'm still feeling down but I trust that with His help, I'll be back to a more cheerful me within a couple of days.

For now, I'm still doing what I'd been doing throughout today which is staring at the laptop while thinking of what had happened. Sometimes, I'd start to cry in front of the laptop. Just give me a few more days and I promise I'll be fine again...

Just For Fun :)

2010-07-20T21:56:00.005+08:00

So, I kena tagged by an old and dear friend of mine. And since it's only the second week of class and I feel like doing something just for the fun of it, here I am answering all these questions :)

~~~~~~~FOODOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Hmmm... It's weird but I prefer the flavoured yogurt. It's yummy with the fruits :D
2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Anywhere comfy.
3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Chocolate!!!
4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Cheese and cheese and more cheese with fish sticks.
5. What do you like to put on your toast?
Kaya. My favourite :)

~~~~~~~TECHNOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. How many televisions are there in your house?
Two. One in the living room and another small and ancient one in my parents' room.
2. The color of your cell phone?
Black and gold.
3. How long would it take you to look up who invented the Rubber Band?
Just a few seconds. I can just google it up.
4. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has?
Don't have a clue.

~~~~~~~BIOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.
2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Nope...
3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
7 quite heavy boxes of buddy stuffs from the ground floor up to my room on the first floor. Phew...
4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Nope...

~~~~~~~CRAZYOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Ermmm... Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. It's best to just leave it in His hands.
2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I'm quite ok with my names (though you can come up with all sorts of nicknames with it.)
3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Ermmm... I think I'll ask my mum to take my place. Hehe :P

~~~~~~~DUMBOLOGY~~~~~~
1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One. Yup. One. I so adore and love pumps :)
2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Last year when my uncle drove me back to um.
3. Last person you talked to??
Syud. My lab mate and neighbour.
4. Last person you hugged?
My mum!!! :D

~~~~~~~FAVORITOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Season?
Spring!!! I want to run in a field of flowers :D
2. Holiday?
Europe.
3. Day of the week?
Ermmm... Sunday :D
4. Month?
December. Since I'm a December baby.

~~~~~~~CURRENTOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Missing someone?
My parents...
2. Mood?
Light and easy :D
3. What are you listening to?
Mix fm.
4. Watching?
Not watching anything at the moment.

~~~~~~~RANDOMOLOGY~~~~~~
1. First place you went this morning?
Washroom.
2. What's the last movie you saw?
The A Team.
3. Do you smile often?
Depends on my moods.

~~~~~~~OTHER-OLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Do you always answer your phone?
Yup. Unless I'm in class.
2. It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Maybe just some sms promoting something.
3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Blue!!!.
4. Do you own a digital camera?
Currently no.
5. Have you ever had a pet fish?
Nope.
6. Favorite Christmas song(s)
Can't really pinpoint one...
7. What's on your wish list for your birthday?
A birthday dinner/lunch with all my friends. Never really experienced this since everybody will be elsewhere during December.
8. Can you do push ups?
Gosh. I'd rather do senam seni :P
9. Can you do a chin up?
Ya... Right...
10. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Definitely both.
11. Do you have any saved texts?
Of course :)
12. Ever been in a car wreck?
Nope. Thank God :)
13. Do you have an accent?
Nope.
14. What is the last song which made you cry?
Never Knew I Needed - Ne-Yo. It's so sweet!!! And it was some time around study week.
15. What are your plans for tonight?
Study...
16. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yeah. I hit real low too. Thank God I managed to climb back up :)
17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday
Nothing.
18. Have you ever been given roses?
Haha... Nope.
19. Current worry?
whether I'll manage to pass my phase II exam...
20. Current hate right now?
Not a single one :)
21. Met someone who changed your life?
Yup!
22. How will you bring in the New Year?
Pray that I'll not stray and will always be at the right path that He had planned for me :)
23. What song represents you?
Can't really think of one...
24. Name three people who might complete this?
Chu Yee, Cheng Nee and Junie.
25. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Maybe...
26. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Haha... Never been in a relationship before.
27. Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Nope.
28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Haha... I wonder how a guy will show up suddenly within this 4 months. Haha...
29. Does anyone love you?
What a question. Of course my parents love me :)
30. Ever had someone sing to you?
Can I wish for that? Haha...
31. When did you last cry?
2 weeks ago.
32. Do you like to cuddle?
Yes!!! :D
33. Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.
34. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Musics on Light and Easy (all thanks to my parents...)
35. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
A mix of both :)
36. Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes!!! Love fruit juice :)

That's it. If you want to do this, please do :)

True Colours...

2010-05-21T14:45:00.007+08:00

Before the end of first year, I heard so much about Glee. Ruth is really into it and 'Defying Gravity' was constantly on when she was on her laptop. Ana loves it and I'm sure 'Lean On Me' is one of her favourites. Well, since it's a musical (who doesn't love music???) and there are lots of rave reviews so I was thinking why not just give it a go. And guess what? I'm officially a Gleek now! The only downfall is that I lost my voice completely due to a cold so I can't get to sing along...

I was away during the weekend for the second leadership camp for the pembantu mahasiswa in preparation for the upcoming Minggu Haluansiswa (can't wait to meet the juniors!!!) One thing you should know is that I'd never really been to any kind of camps. The leadership camp for librarian was mostly consist of ceramah and ceramah. My school was not really that active in ko-ku so I seldom got a chance to be involved in camping and outdoor activities.

One look at the timetable and I noticed we got rempuh halangan and a trip to Amberstone Camp for jungle trekking and all sorts of outdoor activities. I didn't know what to expect. Fear, anticipation, excitement... all the feelings were bubbled inside the little me.

People often view crying as a sign of weakness and I totally oppose to this ridiculous mindset. I have to admit, I cried almost throughout the rempuh halangan course. Everyone has their own way of expressing and releasing their fears and mine is through tears. If I forced myself not to cry that night, I doubted I would have the courage to go through all the halangan. Crying is the way for me to release all my fears and provide me the courage that I need. One asked me: What is it exactly that I was afraid of. Then I asked myself back the same question. What? I guess it's because I'd never had to jump down from a high place before, or is it because a friend told me that she'd tried it before and warned me that no matter how low you crawl, your back will still touch the thorns and it'll be extremely painful, or is it because being a vertically-disabled girl, the pools that I'd experienced would always reach my shoulder level and I couldn't wipe off the drowning scenes off my head? I was part of a group and I knew no matter how scared I was, I had to cry out all the fears and worries and conquer it. And all the appreciation to my teammates who waited for me and cheered for me :)

Through the outdoor activities and jungle trekking, I realised I have a tendency to hold somebody's hand when the roads were rough or slippery to walk for I was afraid of slipping or falling. And there'd be someone who was willing to lend me a hand. I can't stop to think, do I really need this? Can't I brave through the rough roads without having someone to give me a hand? Life's journey is long and I'm no longer that naive to think that there'll always someone with me throughout this. There'll be time when I'll be alone. After so many years of cold treatment and isolation by my own race, I thought I'm used to alone already. But even during the roughest time, God was so wonderful that He always place someone call 'friend' who is more than willing to lend me a shoulder to cry on. I may not have tons and millions of good friends that everyone seems to have but the friends that I have now are those who had and still touch my heart in a special way that it's hard for me to forget. When I'm alone, I know I will find a way to walk through the rough roads even if it means slipping and falling and bruising myself since I have to get to the destination one way or another. But here I have to thanks to all the helping hands that were given to me even I didn't ask for it :)

The only regret that I had was throwing a tantrum at my mum when she stopped by to collect my stuffs. I was so disappointed with myself and I really felt so useless at that moment. It all started during LDK session when we were assigned to draw a flag, list down some Kadazan words and come out with a song based on the Kadazan's culture. Immediately, I volunteered myself to help out giving the songs a lyric. All the creative juices were flowing in my head and I was so excited to express all that I could think of. After settling for a song, we started with the lyrics. That's when I became so down. There were 2 girls who was so full of confident singing while thinking of lyrics. At that moment, I realised that whatever idea that I wanted to present must be in the form of singing and my confidence just crashed from the top level right down to the basement. Every time I tried to sing, my tongues were tied up that I couldn't sing at all. I remained quiet and I felt so useless. Singing in front of people is just something that I'm terrified of after constantly being laughed by people of my inability to sing. My confidence was so low and my mood went down so low that I was so frustrated with the constant phone calls and sms from my mum. The phone couldn't stop vibrating and I couldn't do anything since the activity was still going on. I got extremely annoyed and thus, the quarrel. I'm sorry.

It's true, I have a confidence issue. And it's even worst when it involves singing even though I love music. I can't sing properly, I can't play an instrument properly and sometimes I just wish my marks in piano theory truly reflects my ability in music but that's just a joke since everybody knows piano theory is as easy as pie. You don't need to be extremely good in music to score a 100 and that's something that everyone who took the test before knows.

When will I ever gain back the confidence that was taken brutally away from me since entering primary school and let my true colours shine through?

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realise
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

:(

2010-04-20T11:49:00.003+08:00

All of the sudden, after coming back from TITAS exam, after Ruth left the room, my head started to pound, my heart started to beat at a higher rate, my lacrimal gland's secretion started to lose control.

All of the sudden, all I want to do is to pack all my stuffs and go home. I thought this time I can be tough since I went through one exam already. I didn't feel panic or stress until now. I don't want to break down. I can't afford to break down when I still have many things to cover. I can't afford to waste any time. I'm really scared of the outcome. I'd been hugging the little Aries for a little bit of comfort.

All of the sudden, I wanted to grab some chocolate and eat but my satiety centre is in its active state. I don't feel like eating at all. Oh well, at least this shows that I can control my appetite.

All of the sudden, I ran down and went to her room and told her that I'm really scared. And thanks for the encouragement.

All of the sudden, I put my hands together and prayed and told Him of my fear. And thanks for listening and took away some of my fear.

All of the sudden, I switched on my laptop and started typing of my worries. And writing really does wonder.

2 more weeks. I just have to go through it. No matter how much I like being here, no matter how grateful I am that I've been given a chance to do something that I love, exam stress is part of a parcel of being a medical student and I'll never be able to avoid it.

Just pray that everything will work out in the end... I miss home :(

8 :)

2010-03-20T13:34:00.004+08:00

What a week. What a tiring week. What an amazing week. What a wonderful week.

Dance competition is finally over. All my worries (at least those related to dancing) are gone. But somehow, I miss dancing a lot. I thought I will feel relieve but after everything is over, I realise how much I love dancing and I'm seriously missing it. I don't even dare to play the music which once gave me a lot of stress for I'm really afraid that I'll start to cry. What a crying baby...

This whole dancing thing really made me realise how weak I am and how I need to depend on Him. I remember 2 or 3 weeks before the competition, everyone was catching up and I was lacking behind. I remember how my trainer was frowning trying to think of ways to make me as good as them. I remember how my team mates kept on practicing with me trying to make sure I'm the same level as them.

Of course, there was lots of tears involved. I remember the first time I broke down because of dancing. I remember it was Chooi Lin's birthday. I remember how I was very disappointed with myself for not being able to catch up. The moment I entered the room, I started crying. The second time was the day I started having cramps. I remember it was the same day as the physio treasure hunt meeting. I remember how I endured the pain since evening. After the creative dance around 10 something, I went on doing the traditional dance in front of a fifth year senior. With the pain after the dance and her comments on me, I couldn't help but broke down. The third time was during the practice with Ana helping me. I couldn't help but feeling disappointed with myself again and I broke down once again.

I was weak and I couldn't stop praying. The thought of quiting came to me but I couldn't bear to leave them cleaning up the mess that I'd made. A week before the competition, everything seemed bleak. I screwed up the showcase as well. I improved a little but still far from them and all I could do is to pray even thought it really seemed impossible. I even started to wonder. But thanks to His unfailing love, I made it. I remember a day before the competition when my trainer told me that he no longer noticed me when I dance since I was finally the same level as them. I got a shock since I didn't notice any difference. Seeing the smile on both Abang Din and Abang Zerul face and the claps that I got from my team mates, I couldn't help but smile and thanking God for everything.

It was a week when I really feel Him holding my hands and make things which seemed impossible possible. I always have stage fright and I thought I would freak out on stage especially a big stage like DTC with lots of people watching us. Sarah, Marcella and I never forget to hold hands and prayed before going on the stage. The moment I was on stage, surprisingly, I was transformed into another world and I felt myself living in the music, swaying along with the music, smiling along when dancing and all the right moods were there. After the dance, I couldn't help and but to thanks Him once again for everything.

Creative dance was the most emotional one. Our trainer told us that this dance is very personal to him because this is the first time he's doing the dance based on his ethnic group. It's something that he has never tried before and it's something that he was afraid to do so. I remember everyone in a circle with our eyes closed. When he started to cry, we cried too. All of us. It made us even more determined to do our best. When everything was over, our trainer came to us and thanked us for making the dance wonderful. Though we only got 5th, but he was satisfied.

The next day before going to cg, I made a mistake of switching on the laptop and facebooking. I saw my trainer's status on how he's proud of us. I saw my team mates' status and all the memories just flooded through my mind. This time, I couldn't stop crying. All the memories just came to me and I realised how much I miss it. When I went to cg, during the praise and worship, I thought of how God had helped me a lot throughout the week and I couldn't stop crying again. It was really paiseh, I know, but I just couldn't help it. Qin Zhi's sharing was also very touching because it was something that I went through that week and it really spoke right through my heart. All you need to do is to open your heart and pray and somehow even though things seem impossible, it'll always work out at the end. Thank goodness my mood was elevated after the ice breaking session so the tears didn't drop once again. If not, I can't imagine myself crying while he's sharing...

All praises to Him. Without Him providing me the strength and guidance, I couldn't have made it. Applause to Him and all thanks to Him. Thanks for never letting me go. Thanks :)

Again...

2010-03-13T09:18:00.002+08:00

Maybe I should just seal my mouth and don't speak at all. Funny how all the wrong words always come out at the very wrong time and to the wrong person... And all I can do now is pretend that nothing has happened, which I hope will not be too difficult...

The competition is next week. For these past few days, I'd been falling asleep on the table while studying without me realising it. I'm really feeling guilty since I'm lacking behind and I seriously need a lot of catching up. People have been telling me not to worry and not to stress myself out since they think I can manage through but I have no confident. Sleeping at 1 something makes me feel really guilty and I no longer feel happy and smile.

Cfcs report, titas assignment, anatomy prosection and sdl, physiology and biochem... I just pray that I'll be able to manage thorugh it. After the dance competition, I'm definitely spending my hours reading and reading and reading. No more succumbing to the sleeping bug. Hopefully I can stick to this.

Anyway...

A question was presented to me and I didn't know how to answer. It's something that I force it to a corner of my brain and it's something that I refuse to think about. All I can say is that I'm afraid of hurt and I'm still placing my heart under lock and key. Though I don't know what will happen next, I'm praying that He will guide me through it. All I can do now is just relax and stop thinking too much.

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go

Fly Me to The Moon...

2010-03-06T19:41:00.002+08:00

No thanks to Winnie, this song is going on in my head for the past few weeks especially this week (for no apparent reason). Anyway...

I feel like a fool today. Not once but twice. First, for doing the thing that I'm supposed to do. Second, for using the wrong word. In time like this, I guess these are the options that I have:

1. Take a piece of paper. Next, take a marker pen. Then, write the word 'FOOL' on it. Last, stick it on my forehead.
2. Find a tall building and jump from it.
3. Find a hole and hide myself.
4. Just smile and pretend that nothing has happened.
5. My favourite. Fly me to the moon and let me hide among the stars. (I'm sure I'm small enough to do so.)

Being a 'wise' one, I'm going for the 4th option. *Putting on a smiley face now* For once, I really hope there's somebody who can truly understand why I am upset and lend me a shoulder to cry on. But, I know, at the end of the day, no matter what happened, He's always there for me. Thanks :)

Fear...

2010-02-26T21:34:00.003+08:00

I have been feeling this for a while now and somehow, I can't seem to shake it off me.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I haven't done my very best and haven't given all in. Dancing is not easy for me. Especially when it comes to Malay traditional dance which all the small details count. You have to bend low so as to make your bottom stand out. You have to swing your hands and your head gracefully. Everybody must bend so everyone looks equally tall. Even all the movements have to be very synchronised.

I missed one very important practice where the trainer polished our movements. After that night, everyone improved a lot. Since I wasn't there, I really felt left out. I'd tried to catch up but it's hard.

Now, with the competition just 3 weeks ahead, I'm feeling the fear even more and guilt is lingering around. All of them are good. I don't want to be part of the reason that cause us not to get any placing. My trainer is worried and I'm feeling bad. Every time when it comes to training for tarian asli, I'll feel the stress...

I really need to make a point to practice well. Plus, studying for at least 4 hours per day even if it means that I need to sleep at 3 or 4 am everyday. I don't want to fail my exam :( Just pray that I can manage all these...

P.S. Something happened this morning and I just can't stop thinking about it. I know I look like a very serious girl but the last thing that I want is a friend who thinks that I am indeed a serious girl. The you-can't-joke-with girl, the very-easily-offended girl, the no-fun girl. Honestly, I don't mind people teasing me as long as I know that they are just joking. 2 of my very close guy friends LOVE to tease me *cough* Saren and Daniel *cough* and they actually make me laugh :) No matter what, they are there when I need any advices or helps or friend. (: Chu Yee also likes to tease me but the bond between us is still strong. My evil twin, Ana seems to be born to tease me and sometimes, Ruth joins in as well but the twin thingy is still going on.

Sorry for making you feel bad. I didn't know that you actually think that I was offended. I didn't mean it. Sorry :(

Passion...

2010-02-13T23:30:00.002+08:00

Last Thursday, there was a motivation talk. As a goody good girl (sigh...) who never fails to attend every single class, I dragged myself to the talk. And guess what, I'm rather glad that I did so.

The talk was amazing. Instead of lengthy speech of how you should this or that or this or that, videos were shown and they were amazing especially the one on Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. We saw how the children were so determined to get into the academy. We saw how they said 'I CAN get in!' instead of 'I MAY get in.' We saw how they struggled at a young age and yet their love towards education never died off. Just a look in their eyes and one could see a big flame of passion burning in them. Nothing could stop them and nothing could put off the flame in them.

To think of myself, the flame is still burning in me but the lazy bugs are surrounding it and sadly to say, I succumb to them too much. I love what I'm doing now, I love being a medical student, I love studying medicine. It's been everything that I wish for and now that I got it, I start to slack a bit. Guilt is haunting me everyday especially after result is out. I'm starting to not believe in myself especially knowing that I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are way smarter than me. The confidence in exam that I used to have is gone. The confidence in study that I used to have is also gone. I feel insecure day by day and I'm terrified of the thought of failing my exam. I'm starting to blame dancing for everything though knowing that it's not that. It's just ME.

Now, no more lazy bugs. I want that passion and I know I have it in me. I want to try my very best and be the hardworking girl that I used to be. I want to gain back my confidence. I want to pass my exam. Most of all, I want to graduate with a MBBS degree and embark on a lifelong journey dealing with people. I don't know what to expect but I know He'll be there to watch over me and guide me. Thank You Lord for everything :)

Me and My Books :)

2010-01-28T12:59:00.005+08:00

Went book-shopping with Cheng Nee last Friday :) After all the tiring days and dances and late-night studying, I just couldn't wait to go out and get some books. Even the slight headache I experienced didn't have the ability to stop me from heading to bookxcess. :P

The moment I set my eyes on all the books, all my troubles just seemed so far away. And for once in a week or two time, I felt happy and I couldn't stop smiling like a little girl who is deeply in love. Since I'm still single, I can announce without guilt that book is my first and current love :D

Oh wait, I think I sound like a bimbo =.=" Nevertheless, I went round and round and round the shop for more than an hour and in the end, I settled with 10 books. All these (plus one of Cheng Nee's book) cost me RM150++. Hmmm... Not bad...

Thanks Cheng Nee for accompanying me :) Will treat you one of my favourite chocolate cake once I get my hand on it :)

Am heading to Kajang this Friday, which means tomorrow, which also means bye bye home :(

Am going book-shopping this Saturday again!!! Can't wait. I got a long list of books to buy. :P

Am attending my cousin's wedding dinner in Kajang this Saturday night.

Am attending my cousin's wedding ceremony on Sunday morning.

Then, I'm bidding farewell to Kajang and back to UM after the wedding ceremony :(

Current mode: Study. Can't afford and don't want to fail my quiz...

Lost and Found...

2010-01-23T22:45:00.003+08:00

Have you ever been stranded in a place for 5 hours? Have you ever been so close to getting something but you missed it in a fraction of time?

That was what happened to me this morning. Due to some miscommunication, I thought I was supposed to wait at the hospital bus stop. Because of that, I kept on waiting for my friend even though the bus and taxis came. I never stopped waiting. About 35 minutes before departure time, I called up my friend then only I realised I was supposed to wait at KL Central. I rushed and rushed and rushed and by the time I reached there, the train just left the station. If only I reached there a few more seconds earlier...

The disappoinment was too great. I ran inside the washroom and cried there. I was so close to home yet I missed it. I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I called my mum and told her about it.

After I calmed myself down, I went out and bought the afternoon ticket back. Then I sat at the departure hall and started counting down the time. Constanzo was wide opened on my lap but I couldn't pay much attention to it. Most of time, I would be staring at a spot and lost in my own thought. Then I brought myself back out of the dreamland and focus on Costanzo. But it's harder than I thought. I was really lost at that time.

I was so tired and it became worst after I cried. Throughout that 5 hours, I was struggling to stay awake. Each time that my eyes were going to close, I'd take out the earphone and listen to music. At that moment, I really wished somebody was there with me so that I can rest without worries. But it was really too much to wish for. So I kept on forcing my eyes to stay wide.

Finally, 2 pm came and the train reached on time and finally, I could take a short nap. Thank goodness I'm a light sleeper (didn't realise that till Ruth told me). If not, I would have to force myself to stay awake again so that I won't miss Tampin station.

Home. At last I reached here at 4.20 pm. This is the first time that the train arrived early. Thank God for it. All this while I'd taken granted of it but not now. I'm going to appreciate every moment that I can spend here and come back more often. To those who have the luxury to go back often, do appreciate it. It's the place that you can run to in times of trouble. It's the place that will welcome you with open arms though you feel like everyone is against you. It's the place that you'll feel safe even though you're living in a dangerous world. It's the only space that will not reject you.

Home sweet home :)

1 More Day to Home...

2010-01-22T03:12:00.003+08:00

It's 3.14 am and I still can't sleep though my head is pounding slightly. Guess it's the fact that I'd slept from 7 pm till 1am...

Post-MPIS exhaustion? Maybe. Or can I blame it on the hormones which go haywire every once in a month? And the loss of some iron which reduces oxygen carrying capacity? Hmmm...

For the first time in my life, I almost fainted and thank goodness I had the sense to admit that I didn't have the ability and the strength to continue practicing the dance for today.

My battery level is going down down and down and the emergency alarm is going to ring soon. I just can't wait to get home to recharge myself.

There's just no place like home :)

Home...

2010-01-17T01:29:00.003+08:00

I'm really starting to miss home...

My mum stopped by this afternoon and I'd been looking forward for it. But guess what? The gate that my mum normally used was locked and she couldn't get in. There's still another way but I can't afford her to walk all the way up just to pass me some stuffs so I had to meet her with a locked gate in between us. She passed me the things and she left. At that moment, I really wanted to cry and the thought of home really hit me.

Normally, I would get a hug before she left but because of the locked gate, I couldn't. Normally, I would get to talk to her more but because of the locked gate, I couldn't since I can't expect her to stand there for a long time. I was planning to show her the cheongsam I bought but I couldn't. With the locked gate, I feel like I'm in a big prison and I'm locked away from the one thing which is really important to me.

A few more days to go before the holiday. I'm counting down every minutes. Last time, I used to laugh at my friend for calling her mum everyday. Now, I'm the girl who has to call her mum everyday. It has been going since study week and Zura, sorry for laughing at you although you didn't know that I was laughing at you. I didn't know how important it is till now.

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Tired...

2010-01-15T12:54:00.004+08:00

It has been a tiring month. 2 shows which I have to perform. 3 dances going on in my head. Another dance coming very very very soon. In fact, we are starting to practice stretching for the another dance. My legs are tired now, my mind is also exhausted. All these lead to weight-losing (dancing is indeed a very good exercise) which is one of the only consolation that I can be happy of.

I'm rather tempted to say that I am very very very busy and I have a very hectic schedule but somehow, I know it's really wrong to say that. Yes, everyday I got class till 4.30 pm. Then dance practice at night. Now with the mpis coming up, I got dance practice in the evening and mpis rehearsal at night. And the rehearsal is rather frustrating. For a 5 minutes dance, I'd normally wait for hours before the people actually come and start the rehearsal. Sigh... For 2 days, Ruth, Ana and I went to Secret Recipe and stayed there to study until 4 am. The downside - tired and sleepy during lecture.

Many times, I really want to say that I'm busy so that I can get away with everything. The thing is, I was the one who got myself involved in these. I volunteered to be involved in these. Nobody forced me to do so. When I looked around my course mates, some are involved in more things than I do. Despite this, they still managed their activities well and at the same time, getting good result. I have to admit that I really do admire them for being so multi-talented and all. Besides, it's not like I'm not having fun at all. Dancing is really fun though I'm still a slow learner. So what if I'm dancing tarian asli and inang and learning zapin at the same time? I enjoy myself very much and don't try to look at me with that kind of look. So what if I'm a Chinese? There's nothing wrong with me learning other races culture and I can tell you one thing - the Malay dances are very graceful :)

No more using busy as an excuse, I ask for the responsibilities and I'm doing all I could to manage everything properly without putting my study aside. Ya, I'm rather worried about my studies but I just pray that I'll manage it. Now, any time when I'm free, if I'm not sleeping due to exhaustion, I'll be studying. Waiting for my second quiz and see how I'll score. Just hope it won't be too bad (crossing my fingers) And I'm really thankful to God who has been looking out for me and giving me the strength and comfort when I need them. Thank You :)

P.S. Passed by the hospital after dapao-ing from Secret Recipe and I saw 2 hospital people pushing a bed with the blanket covering it. Then I saw some people following it while crying. It kind of just hit me that life is short. There's no way to know when you're leaving this earth. All I want to do now is to life it to the fullest, explore many things that I wanted to but didn't have the time (like dancing and sports), serve Him while I'm here and still manage to pass my exam in 5 years time so that I can really fulfill my dream despite knowing the hardship of being a doctor.

Firsts :)

2010-01-02T15:43:00.004+08:00

On the first day of 2010, I got an sms from my mum. I replied her, packed my bag and off I went to Kajang to have dinner with my family. And I guess that's a pretty good start to a brand new year.

Since it's the first post of a brand new year, let me think of some firsts that I came across in this new year...

1. Had jelly cake for my sis and grandfather's birthdays. It's so delicious especially the chocolate one!!! Maybe I should make a change and ask for a jelly cake for my birthday :P

2. Had jelly cake for breakfast. Did I mention that it's really nice???

3. Was called old by a small kid aka my little cousin :(

4. My relatives actually said I'm thinner than my sis :) (Only a bit but at least I'm losing weight instead of gaining.)

5. My mum said my sis and I cannot study together since we won't stop talking. Normally, my mom will separate us since we couldn't stop quarrelling. I guess both of us are really growing up and becoming 2 matured girls. Yeah for us :)

6. My mum asked me to pass my exam and my sis to get As in her exam. Normally, it's the other way round...

7. My dad said pizza is fattening. Normally he would bring us there if we want to go...

Was in the room with my mom and sis yesterday night. With books in my sis and my hands, all 3 of us were talking. I guess it's the first time we are doing this since I entered matriculation. My mum mentioned that she's now quite easily irritated by noises since she's really getting used to the very quiet house after my sis and I left the house. Sigh... It's really great just sitting there and talking about stuffs although we ended up didn't study much. And to think about it, it's been a long time since all 4 of us are under the same roof. Sigh...

Can't wait to meet Saren's girlfriend. Can't wait for holiday (so that I can catch up with my studies and if possible, my dear old friends back in Tampin). To quote one of the character in the Christmas play, Michelle: ' Oh, I just can't wait!!!' :)

New year...

2009-12-31T20:48:00.005+08:00

Tick tock, tick tock...

A few more hours later, we'll be bidding goodbye to 2009 and say hi to 2010. And I really can't help but to use the phrase that I'd been using quite frequently here - time really does fly.

Hmmm... What had I been doing for the past one year?

1. Started the year with the continuation of second semester of matriculation. After around 4 months, I finished my exam and was forced to say goodbye to the place where I became a more mature girl and had fun.

2. Had a strong feeling towards someone. After 2 months or so, the feeling just disappeared into the thin air and thank goodness it did.

3. After a month goyang kaki at home, result came out. It was time to get busy with university application. Pondering for a long time at the options, medicine was selected as my first choice.

4. After about 3 months of doing nothing at home, university application result came out. I got my first choice - a chance to study medicine and fulfill my dream in the oldest university in Malaysia, UM. Thank God for that :)

5. After a week of university's orientation, I was shocked to find out that there's really such a thing as orientation with our Chinese seniors. Ya, I read about it on a forum but I didn't know whether to believe or not. I didn't know what to expect as well. I was the target since I posted some comments on the forum under the name of 'green fish' and the name still stuck with me. But thank God too, I made through this rough month.

6. Found out that medicine is as difficult as what people had always said. And I need to study constantly. With all the smart people around me, I realised people back then had always been overestimating me. I failed my first quiz. Broke down. Stood up. And I managed to pass the next 2 quizzes.

7. Persuaded by Chu Yee to go to the dancing class. Ended up being a part of 6th college dancing team.

8. Study week forced its way through. I was so scared that all I wanted to do was to escape. And I did just that thing. With no companion, I went all the way to KL Central by myself, bought a ticket and went home. Parents were shocked but I was really lost that time. Found out much later that my friends who saw me that day could see that I was on the edge of breaking down. And they were so right - I almost cried out loud in KL Central while telling my mum that I'd bought the ticket and was waiting for the ride back home. After few peaceful days at home, I went back to college for study week.

9. Exam week came. For the first time in my life, I almost went blank during the exam. Thanks to Him, I managed to calm myself down. (Note to myself: Be more well prepared and be more confident with myself.) Then came the holiday.

10. Passed my exam. Promised myself that I'll work harder.

11. Being the director for the first time. Had a great time. Though I looked rather stressful but I was having fun. Seriously. (:

12. Went to watch movies for the first time. Not just one but 2 in a span of 1 week. Hehe :P

Hmmm...

New year resolution? Honestly, I'd never made any. Maybe I should start a list this year.

1. Smile more. STOP putting up the very serious face.

2. Make more friends.

3. Pass phase I exam.

4. Be a nicer girl.

5. Be more confident and cheerful.

6. Be more understanding.

7. Try to get to the airport when it's time for Saren to leave Malaysia.

8. Talk more.

9. Be more hardworking.

Most important, break the thick wall which I'd build around myself for many years. And ya, grow stronger in Him. (:

Happy new year to myself and all of you who are reading this :)

My first try :)

2009-12-25T19:54:00.004+08:00

It all started with cg. It was just as usual then Eugene went on to talk about the Christmas Night. At the end of the meeting, I was asked to be the director of the Christmas play. No thanks to me who told Qin Zhi and Ben that I was once involved in drama back in secondary school.

Ya, I was kind of panic at first since being the director means I have to come out with the script and planning everything from the start to the end. Starting from that, no matter how my brain was almost saturated with all the different types of muscles and bones, a small part of my brain would still process all the info that I need for the play.

It's funny how the script was produced. In the beginning, I couldn't stop brainstorming for ideas but nothing seemed to come out. All I could think of was how Qin Zhi kept talking about the Grinch and acted as the Grinch. On one night, I was so exhausted that I slept at around 10 pm. Somehow, I woke up at 2 am in the morning. The moment I opened my eyes, all the ideas were swimming around my brain. I took a notebook and wrote down the story. Then during the first one-week holiday that I got, I wrote the script.

After the holiday, I showed the script to Ruth and Fiona. I got 2 nods. Then Qin Zhi asked me about it so I showed him the script. He gave me a rather different comment: 'It's more like a moral story.'

Then, it's time to find actors and actresses. Thank goodness I could find all 6 of them: Qin Zhi, Ben, James, Fiona, Edna and Cheng Nee. And I even found some who volunteered to help me out: Leng Cheng, Winnie and Han Jun.

After the term 1 break, it was time to start the practices. Due to clashes, we had to do it at night at 11 pm. It's the same everyday, dancing practice in the evening, preparation at night, then drama practice. I didn't study much throughout that 2 weeks T.T

On the 21st, it was time for the show. Everything went on quite smoothly except for the first part where we couldn't find the small Christmas tree. Luckily, we found it under the big Christmas tree. Somehow, the drama was rather short. It seemed long during the practices. Sigh... Now, I must add a few more stuffs for the next performance for the college's Christmas night.

I received some compliments about the play and during the post-mortem, they said that overall it was ok. I guess it really did pay off and I have a huge satisfaction. A huge thanks to the actors and actresses, the citizens and the trees. And also Winnie for the props and all and Yen Hoong and Sarah for the makeups. Thanks :)

Merry Christmas, everyone and may God bless all of you.

P.S. Had been having a few mood swings lately and it kind of worsen after I found out that people are spreading rumours about me having a crush on this guy. It doesn't really bug me that much since it's not really true. I'm not that kind of girl who would allow myself to fall head to toes with a guy if he doesn't have any feelings towards me. Save me from all the heartbreak. Thanks to Ana, my 'twin', who accompanied me to Secret Recipe, listened and talked to me when the mood swing strike that day. Thanks :)

Thanks :)

2009-12-18T22:02:00.003+08:00

Part A result is out after a long long LONG wait.

I passed!!!

Though it's not the best, but I'm still happy that I'm one of the 60+ who passed the exam.

I'll try harder for 2nd term.

Thank you Lord :)

To my friends who didn't manage to pass, don't give up. Sometimes people do fall, be strong and stand up again. All the best to you.

P.S. The Christmas play will be on the 21st. I just pray that everything will go well and I pray that with His help, I can come out with a nice closing for the play. This play is about Christmas and love and I'm going to talk about God's love towards us. Also pray for the actors and actresses: Qin Zhi, Benjamin, James, Fiona, Edna and Cheng Nee. The citizens: Sara, Marcella and Leng Cheng. The trees: Andy, Chiun Kang, Jason, Lin Seong and Rui Ming. They'd been great throughout and I'm confident that they'll do their very best that night. Just pray that everything will go on smoothly :)

Sorry...

2009-12-16T15:33:00.003+08:00

Why is it so hard for me to hide my feelings?

The moment I saw my result, I didn't know how to react. I guess I gave everyone the impression that I failed my test. I wanted to be happy that I passed but somehow I couldn't do it.

All this while, I'd been telling myself that it's not easy to pass and I'd be jumping out of joy if I do passed but after seeing my result, I went blank.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call my parents. Then I realised they are in Hong Kong and there's no way I can talk to them until they come back on the 21st.

I went back to my room and the tears just flowed out. Then my roomie and my friends came back. I tried to put on a strong face and pretend that I'm happy that I passed but I couldn't although I know that I should.

People said I have high expectation for myself. But all I want to do is to try my very best. After the 4 days exams, I realised I wasn't hardworking enough. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't. And I ended up with annoying those who are around me.

'Thou shalt not lie' Maybe I hold too strongly on this phrase and lying becomes something which is difficult for me to do. And it's even harder for me to hide my feelings for long.

Then, I annoyed people by crying when I once got 70+ for Add. Maths. Now I annoyed people by crying when I get a C for my part A exam. Why must it be so hard for me to control the tears? I'd made people angry with me and maybe caused some hatred due to this behaviour of mine. Why must I do it again?

I'm really sorry to my roomie and my friends who spend a lot of time with me. I'm sorry you guys have to put up with this behaviour of mine. I'm sorry that I annoyed you guys with this behaviour of mine. I'm sorry that I made you guys upset. I'm sorry. All I want to do now is to dig a hole and hide myself. I'm really disappointed with myself :(

Used-to-be...

2009-12-11T21:45:00.003+08:00

Started the day by opening my very bengkak eyes. No thanks to the non-stop flowing tears for hours yesterday night while watching a series :( Then, Chu Yee, Cheng Nee and I headed straight to Mid Valley to catch The Princess and The Frog.

Since it's a Disney cartoon, the movie attracted quite a number of children. Throughout the movie, I heard the children talking and laughing. And I couldn't help but to smile. For a while, I did what I didn't like to do by stepping into the time-travel machine and went back to the past.

Back then, I was a girl who doesn't look like one. With an extremely short hair and funny features, people often thought that I was a boy. I didn't like it and I used to cry a lot after the trip to the hairdresser. I used to think that why can't I be as beautiful as my sis. I used to think that why can't I look as a sweet little girl like most of my female classmates. Then, I'd decided, since I can't look like one, I must act like one. I totally ignored the pants and shorts and only wore skirts. I paid attention when I came across articles or books or shows on etiquette. I didn't sit with my legs crossed and I still don't. I ate using fork and spoon even while eating chicken wing and I still do that. I'm only starting to wear pants and shorts since it's weird to walk around the college with skirt. After primary school, I'd never cut my hair above shoulder length. And now, some are saying that I'm like a little princess. After spending a year in matrik and now with all my coursemates, I'm starting to think that I'm a little bit too skema. I guess now I do understand how one's past can change a person...

Back then, I was the girl who never finished her homework. I'd wait and wait and wait and till the last minute, I would start to rush. But with the mountains of homework to be handed in everyday, it'd take a miracle to finish off at the last minute so I always ended up with blank pages on my books. Teachers were annoyed and I was labelled as the useless one, the hopeless one and twice, I got slapped by my teachers in front of everyone. Then I started to have horrible mood swings. I cried everyday in school, came back home and refused to talked with my parents. I could sit there and said nothing for days no matter how much my parents tried to make me to talk. How I ended up with all As is still a wonder to me... After leaving primary school, I was determined to change. And I did exactly the same thing. I never missed any homework and my result became better. By form 4 and 5, I was one of the top in my class. And now, I managed to enter UM despite the strong competitions among all the STPM and matriculation students. Though I never managed to figure out the exact reason of why I had the determination to change, but I never forget to thank God for everything :)

Back then, I was a naive girl. Very naive. And I got myself fooled a lot of times. After all the tears and all, I grew up and become less naive. Till now, Daniel's sms when he knew I was in matrik still makes me smile - 'Ooh, how our wittwe wawy gwew has gwown up'.

Back then, when I was a primary school girl, people often thought that I was a secondary school girl. When I was in secondary school, people thought that I was a primary school girl. Now as a first year university student, people think that I'm a form 1-3 girl. Haha... Oh well, at least I look younger than my age :P

Back then, I was a lost soul. Now I found Him. And that's the turning point in my life :)

Touched...

2009-12-06T20:22:00.003+08:00

This is a poem that I found on Naveen's blog and from the moment I read it, I knew there's nothing that can stop me from posting it here.

When I Say

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow

Thank You for everything and truly, there is none like You :)

Wedding :)

2009-12-05T21:29:00.009+08:00

For the first time in my life, I attended a Christian church wedding. And it was truly unforgettable.

The bride is Leng Cheng's friend whom she met when she was teaching at Pulau Ketam Secondary School. I was 'dragged' by Leng Cheng to the wedding ceremony. And I got to thank her for bringing me there. :D

It was held at a church in Klang. Can't remember the name though... For a girl who had never been to this kind of wedding, I was sitting inside the church looking forward for the ceremony. Unlike the normal Chinese wedding ceremony, it was held on time. Nono, not on time, 3 minutes before the planned time. For me, it was indeed a good start.

When the bride and her dad entered the church, all eyes were on her. She was beaming and so as the dad. All the small kids were cute in their white gown and small suits.

It began with praise and worship. Then prayers for the going-to-wed couple. I enjoyed the performance by the choir team. It was truly marvelous. Then the solo performance which also took my breath away.

Then, the moment which we had all been waiting for had arrived. The groom recited all he should say. The bride kind of forgot her lines but thankfully, the pastor was there and helped her with her lines. After that, it was the 'I Do' moment. That moment still makes me giggle even hours after the ceremony. :p

Leng Cheng and I noticed a guy from the groom's family which looks so like Timothy. And he was in charge of taking photos with the exact camera that Timothy uses. And the way he takes photo is also like him. We really had an impulse to take his photo and show it to Ruth but paiseh lah. Later people will think that we got a crush on him. Hehe :p

One thing which keeps on ringing in my head is the benevolent that the Reverend gave. A successful marriage requires one important aspect: Maturity. He said it's the easiest and also the most difficult to achieve. I got to agree with that. Even until now, I'm still not sure whether I'm matured enough to be somebody's girlfriend. I don't want to accept somebody just because everyone around me is in a relationship and I want to be a part of them. I want to be in a stable relationship with somebody who really respect and love me and also a responsible one. And so far, I haven't really fallen head to heels for a guy and ya, there's also the fact that guys really seldom notice me since I'm a little quiet. I guess that's the reason I'm still single. Aiyah, I'm 19 only, not 91. So I guess there's still time, right??? *shrug* Besides, I'm putting everything in His hand. I'm sure He has a plan for me. All I'm doing now is walking on the road that He had planned for me with His constant guidance. I'm really thankful for anything. No matter how life turns out to be, I know He will be there for me :)

Though I had to walk quite some distance with my wedges, I don't mind at all for the wedding was truly a sweet and memorable one :) Thanks Leng Cheng!

Birthday :)

2009-12-03T00:28:00.003+08:00

Finally, I'm 19!!!
Oh, wait, should I be happy that I'm older? Hmmm... Oh well...
Should have started the day with a badminton game with my parents but I was too tired to wake up. Kind of slept at 5 am yesterday...
We went to Secret Recipe for my birthday dinner. Besides us, my grandma, my cousin and my aunt's family also joined us. Though 2 kiddos were fighting to blow the candles and cut the cake, it was truly an enjoyable night.
A shout out to my family, thanks for the great night :) And ya, to my friends, thanks for all the birthday wishes. I really appreciate and am really touched :)

Long lost me...

2009-11-29T09:11:00.012+08:00

Ya, I'd been rather cut off from the outside world for the past 5 months. As much as I'm tempted to say that I'm tooooooooooo busy to blog, but somehow deep in my heart, I know it's the lazy worm's fault. Haha...

Since it's the holiday now (only for one pity week to recharge all the energy that I'd lost during the study week and exam week), all I want to do is to sleep and online and watch movies and most of all, pick up all the novels that I didn't have the time and guts to do so for the past 5 months. :(

First coming in to the oldest and top uni in Malaysia, I had fun during the official orientation. All the games and meeting people :) Then, came the orientation with all the medic seniors staring from the 5th year supersenior to the 2nd year senior. And then got myself enrolled in the buddy-line system where your buddy is like your second family in UM and they will guide you in your studies and stuffs... Of course, the attempt of brain-washing by some but from what I'd been through so far, brain-washing me is not something that you can do easily. And ya, racism is a no-no to me.

Picture taken after the buddy-line declaration ceremony...

With my cute cute co-buddy :P

After the orientation month, it was time for me to catch up with my study. Seriously, I was very very blurr and I failed my quiz. Though I didn't fail all 3 papers and managed to pass physiology but the fact that I failed the other 2 was just too hard for me. I was so sad and I broke down after I told my mum. For the entire day, I locked myself in the room with Snell (anat) in front of me... But luckily I managed to catch up with my studies. Though not as good as the other (seriously, I'm surrounded with tons and tons and genius, and for once, I feel rather insignificant...) I still failed my anat for the next 2 quizzes but overall I passed both the quizzes :) And ya, Nana, A is no longer a priority for me. It's different from last time and I'd accepted the fact.

Later on, I went to an interview as the 6th college magazine committee member. I got it and I'm in charge of creative writing. Then there's the college pesta tanglung which I'm in charge of protocol. That was one of the most interesting that I'd joined so far. I had fun with the mc, Yogesh and Sofiah. And for the first time of my life, I got to wear a cheongsam (thanks Grace) and become the usher :)

The MC, Yogesh and Sofiah, and the ushers, Qi Feng and I...

Oh ya, not forgetting my roomies. One is the ever so talented (cello, guitar, piano... and arts) and smart Ruth, the other is also the ever so talented (singing and dancing) and smart Chu Yee. Chu Yee volunteered as the college dancer and I accidentally got dragged in. So yeah, I'm now the college dancer. Not because I'm good at dancing (I'm BAD at it), it's because they're desperate for people and I was there at the right time =.= My first show was during the Minggu Seni Kreatif. We practiced a lot for the fan dance and thank goodness, nothing went wrong that day and Chu Yee and I really enjoy watching the video :) Next project, Festival Seni UM where we are going to compete with the other colleges (Gulp). Then the Malam Penganugerahan Ibnu Sina where we also have to perform.

The sixth college dancers...

We were also invited by Ruth's father aka Prof Cheng aka our Physiology lecturer to his house for a small gathering among the first-year Christians and a few of our seniors.

Group photo with Ruth's dad and mum...

Not forgetting the labmates that I got here. They are just so fun and cool. Love lab 9:) We even went out for gathering and dinner. Hehe :)

The entire lab 9 minus Ismail (our inside joke. Hehe...)

Dinner and birthday celebration at Chili in 1 u. :)

After all the fun, study week came and it was a real torture. At the end of class, I was so stressed out. All I wanted to do was to escape and ya, I ended up doing exactly the same thing. I packed my bags, took the LRT to KL Central and bought a train ticket back home. Stayed until the end of weekend and went back to college for study week. By that time, I am quite calm already. But seriously, 24 hours is far from enough. Even if I was facing the books for the entire day besides dinner, I couldn't finish. Got headache once in a while due to stress. Then came exam week. It was lagi teruk. I almost went panic and blank in the exam hall. But thanks to Him, I managed to calm myself down and kept on writing. Had headache and I think I had a mild depression. But still thanks to Him, I always managed at the end of the day. Thankfully, the end of exam came :)

Now here I am , at home resting, knowing full well that the result is coming out soon... Just as long as I pass (everyone is also hoping the same thing.), I'll be jumping up and down with joy :) Oh well, I'd tried all I could and I'm leaving the rest to God :) So long :P

New Stage In My Life...

2009-06-22T10:06:00.003+08:00

After hibernating for 2 months, I'd been jolted up by my university application result. And, unexpectedly, I got Medic at UM. UM, Medic!!! Oh my, I'm really speechless.

Trust me, nobody expected me to be a medic student due to my height (or the lack of it...). I'm not making this up. My mom's gang (the teachers) didn't believe I can deal with all those bloods and stuffs. Michelle told me people got shocked when she told them about me wanting to be a doctor. I guess I really do look like a scared, tiny, timid little baby girl...

I'll be off this Sunday. Some of my friend also got the same u as me. One of them is Chu Yee!!! I really can't believe it. I still remember my first mentor-mentee meeting. Turned out that besides me, there was one more Chinese. We even shared the same surname!!! Now we are going to the same u!!! Unbelievable...

I'm really thanking God for everything. This is the path that God has chosen for me and I'll walk down this route. I know it'll not be easy but I'm ready to take up the challenge. I know people do tend to look down at us, the matrik students. One said that our 4.00 is like only 3.50 in STPM. The way they put it it's like we took away their opportunity and we do not deserve it. I'm going to put all my efforts and be extra hardworking. I'll never forget Him. I'll make it through the 5 difficult years of studying.

UM, here I come :)

Oh ya, also a big congrats to all my friends who got what they dream of. Congrats!!!

Mother's Day...

2009-05-07T00:26:00.002+08:00

Have been slightly under the weather lately... Guess it's the journey back from JB. In and out and in and out of the car. Got me headache. Sigh...

Made fudge. It looks kind of ok. But then my mum said it's too sweet. Sigh...

Ok. Stop sighing. Mother's day is around the corner. Thinking back, normally I'll get a Winnie the Pooh for my mum for any occasions. Be it birthday or Mother's day. God knows how much she loves Pooh... Even the study room is slowly turning into Pooh's area. Never mind her room which has a cupboard full of Pooh. And the big-size Pooh is forced to squeeze in my small cupboard. Oh yeah, if you want to find my Avanza among all the other same colour Avanzas, no worry, just look for the one full with Pooh.

Guess what we are doing this Sunday? We are heading to Kelantan. It's just not fair. Out of so many days, the interview has to be on this Sunday. And in Kelantan. My parents did say that I can choose not to go but I know they want me to take the chance no matter how much I don't like it. Sigh... But I know that God has a plan for us. I just pray that I'm on the right track. No matter what, I will listen to Him and follow Him. Just pray that we'll have a safe 7-8 hours journey there... Heard that the road there is dangerous especially at night.

Here's a poem for all the mothers out there. Thanks for everything and Happy Mother's Day. (P.S. I wrote this a year ago so it may not be good but it did come from the heart.)

The one who taught me from
Crawling to walking
Falling to dancing
Crying to singing

The one who taught me from
ABC to XYZ
123 to 8910
Scrawling to writing
Scribbling to drawing

The one who taught me from
Making mistakes to learning lessons
Fearing difficulties to braving challenges
Making complaints to counting blessings
Taking granted to showing gratitude

The one whose charcoal black hair turns gray
Then white
The one whose strong steady pace turns shaky
Then weak
The one whose sparkling bright eyes turn weary
Then dull
While moulding me from an insignificant caterpillar
To a magnificent butterfly

Mother...
Thanks for everything!

Goodbye...

2009-04-20T00:26:00.007+08:00

Goodbye... When will it actually be a time when saying goodbyes will be easy?

Yesterday was the day I had to leave KMJ. Can't believe it... A year passed by just like that. It only felt like a month or less than that. When I took up the offer and went straight to Tangkak, everyone was shocked. Who would have thought that a girl who had repeatedly tell everyone that she wouldn't go near even a foot to matriculation would just packed all her belongings and went to Johor matriculation college? Until now, I still can't believe that I did just that. Yes, I was reluctant to go. Heard lots of bad things about matric. But then I got no choice. At least at that moment. I woke up at 12 something am, saw Sik Hoe's sms that I got the offer, switched on the laptop, saw my name, woke my parents up and they convinced me to go. Packed my bags while crying, went to shopping to get more stuffs. By 3 pm, I was there in KMJ.

I remember how almost every Chinese that I met told me that they don't like the life there but surprisingly, I like it. I got used to hostel life and everyone seems nice to me. Cool room mates and nice practicum mates... When everyone called themselves PBSM (Persatuan Balik Setiap Minggu), I actually prefer to stay there during the weekends. Only went back when there was long break or emergency. By a few months time, I was close with my practicum mates and the regulars started to borrow my tutorial works.

Next, I went on to join the Christians there. It was nice with them but still my phobia towards Chinese prevented me from being close with them. Till now, I still regret it. All the lecturers were quite shocked by how I managed to get along extremely well with the Malays and my practicum mates were wondering why I find it hard to get close with the Chinese. Sorry people, my past experiences are still haunting me a little. Trust me, I'd tried so hard but I still cannot overcome my fear. *sob*

Honestly, I really cannot forget the year in KMJ. Too many sweet memories there. And also the friends I met there. They were the one who gave me confidence and they were the one who filled up the loneliness in me. They were the one who made me a more outspoken person instead of a girl who kept her mouth shut most of the times. We shared lots of joys and sadness among us and it will be hard for me to forget them. So a big shout out to Mai, Murni, Cindy, Jue, Sab , Yusri, Ain, all my practicum mates and all my friends, thanks for everything.

It was really hard to say goodbye yesterday. Though our parents were waiting for us, we still held each other hands and said goodbye repeatedly. The moment Murni broke down, I almost felt like crying. Murni, Mai and I kept hugging each other. Pity Yusri who could only stand there and watched us hugged each other. All he could do was said some things, waved and said goodbye. After what seemed like a long time, we finally made our move.

Hope all of us will keep our promise and stay in touch. I really appreciate our friendships and hope our friendship will last...

With Miss Farhana, our Chemistry tutor...

with Madam Thuwaibah on her farewell party, hope you're doing well in Japan right now...

with Miss Sheeda, our second English lecturer after Madam Thuwaibah...

with my LDK and the ever gorgeous mentor, madam Putri...

And lastly...

Murni, my lovely room mate...

Cindy, my lovely room mate as well...

Swee Fong and Murni during our block dinner...

Mai, Jue and I after our college annual dinner...

Ying Ying and I after my dinamika dinner...

Sylvia, the Penang girl and Cindy...

Jue, Mai and Sab...

Thanks for everything and thanks for all the sweet memories you guys have given me. Will always keep you guys in my heart. Till we meet again!!!

Hey...

2009-01-24T11:40:00.005+08:00

This is kind of getting ridiculous. I really need to update more. If only I can find more time...

Lots of things have been going around me. First the mid sem test. Funny how the past years questions always seem quite ok but the moment you look at your paper, you'll faint. Tricky questions here and there especially Chemistry and Maths paper. And getting A means 80 marks and above which also means you can only afford to lose 8 marks. And after that, lecturers will start to complain about us. So easy also you cannot do or You guys are here to study, to get to university, not to play. It's time to get serious. Look at you incomplete tutorial. Do you expect to get 4 flat with efforts like that??? Buck up, people!!! No time to play. Sem 2 is not easy. And the list goes on and on. Pity these lecturers...

And then there's the surprises I got from the prize-giving ceremony. I didn't expect much but somehow I managed to get first prize in poem competition and crossword puzzle competition. Happy but shocked...

Next will be the big dinner which is on the 3rd February. Scared lah... What if I couldn't hold the fork and knife properly and then the chicken chop flew off my plate??? That'll be sooooo embarrassing. And then there's the bread problem. Which one to use? The fork, the knife or just hand??? Arrrggghhh... My room mate will have major problems when it comes to make up for me. Too many flaws. She's going to have a headache. Sorry dear...

Just read Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah. Not bad. If you like this kind of story, then I would suggest you to read The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan. Sad story based on the author's mum. The Bonesetter's Daughter is also quite nice too. And of course Little Hut of Leaping Fishes by Chiew-Siah Tei. A malaysian born author and guess which part of Malaysia? Tampin. Yup. A Tampin born author. That story is good. Got me crying and weeping. But the price...

Can't wait to buy some books. Haven't bought any books lately. My book list:

Inheritance Trilogy (Eragon, Eldest and Brisingr) by Christopher Paolini (Watched Eragon. Hope the book will be much better than the movie.)

Inkdeath by Cornelia Funke (Got Inkheart and Inkspell but then haven't touched them. Planning to but my mom wants to read it. Must remind her to pass it to Wei Lun when she finishes)

The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler (Watched the movie. Can't wait to read it.)

Sigh... Tuesday must go back to Tangkak already. Must do all the important visiting on the first day. Don't want to miss my chance. I miss holiday :(

Pink Mouse!!!

2008-12-27T23:54:00.002+08:00

Yup. A pink mouse. A gift from Saren. According to him, it's a long due debt. Haha... I like the colour and it's really cute. Even my mum and my sis are trying to persuade me to leave it at home. Well, I really like the pink mouse but the problem is, I don't use mouse. Yup, the list of me being a weirdo is getting longer and longer... I'm comfortable with the mouse pad and I seldom touch the mouse. Of course, I didn't tell Saren that. No point letting him know. Besides I told him that I really like it and I do like it. It's very sweet. Thanks a lot to the guy who always call me shortie!!!

Oh ya, I almost forgot about this. How did I even forget to blog about it at the first place?! For book lovers, you really should visit HarperCollins website. They have this section called Browse Inside. There they offer full access on selected titles, which means you can read it for free. Wow... But to those who, like me, are used to reading books instead of reading it on computer, it'll be hard to stare at the computer for a long time. Eventually, I gave up unless the book is very interesting lah. So be sure to check it out ;)

Fashion Show and I???

2008-12-25T02:35:00.004+08:00

So tired. If you still remember, I mentioned about a fashion show in my last post. My gosh... It was tiring. Practised almost every night. Teacher promised there'd be a runway. Thought of formation. Practised formation. Called my parents to send all the clothes and accessories. Tried on all the dresses. Chose a little black dress. Changed to a white dress. The reason: (given by my room mate) the black dress is hot but with a scarf, it looks plain. Spend RM150 on make up. Funny how my mum didn't say no when I asked for it. But she did say that this will be the first and the last. One of the girl pulled out on Thursday. We were so worried. Teacher said no 10 people, then we can't take part. The moment she said we can asked somebody else from another class, Sylvia passed by and she agreed to join us without second thought. (Love you, girl!!!)Saturday evening saw the notice that runway won't be provided. Rushed back and told my group about it. Came out with another formation at night. Started practice at 8 something until 11 something. All of us slept in Wei Rou's room. Tried on the white dress since they wanted to see me in it. Wei Rou did my hair to see which suits me. By 2.30, my hair was set and I had my dress on. Had to sleep faced down on the floor. Woke up at 4.30 am. Wei Rou and I tried all our best to wake the rest up. By 6.30 am, we started to make up. But we only managed to apply foundation on. by 7.25, all of us rushed to the hall for the registration. Since we were the 43rd group, we still had some time. We quickly make up. Helen did for me. She is good :) Practised some more. Watched the competition. A guy was shocked when Wei Rou, Sylvia and I walked in the hall. Guess we looked quite different... Our turned came. My heart was beating so extremely fast when I was at the backstage but the moment I came out, I wasn't nervous anymore. Well, we didn't win but we still had fun. Everyone was great that day and we took some photos. Even Wei Rou took many many many photos before removing her make up. She was so excited. Girls...

Wei Rou, Jah, Eza, Me and Sylvia

Sylvia, Poh Yee (from Ipoh), Wei Rou and I

I know I looked weird. People were telling me that I looked cute. Haha...

A dinner with the theme 'modern, elegant, fahionable' will be held on the 3rd. Have to make up again. Another dinner will also be held in February. Who would have thought that you have to attend formal dinner with make up and dresses in matriculation? Well, certainly not me. Another new experience and I had fun ;)

Hi after a long time...

2008-12-10T23:43:00.004+08:00

I know, I know, I haven't update for a month, I think... Have been very busy lately. Next week got Moral multimedia presentation. And on the same day, I'm involved with the fashion show competition. No, no, you didn't read wrongly. Yes, yes, fashion show, people, fashion show. Go ahead. Bang your head on the wall. Laugh all you might. Just wait till I manage to find a place and hide myself. The theme we chose is formal dinner so it'll be my first time wearing a dress with make up. If it ends up well, I'll post photos here. And please wish me good luck, ok? I really need it.

Oh ya, I'm officially 18 years old!!! Yipee!!! (although I still look like an imature 13-14 year-old girl...) Thanks for all the birthday wishes :) You know the term double happiness??? My room mate used that on me. On 2nd December, final result came out. Oh my gosh... It was a suffering having to wait for a long time until you get to the lecturer and it's even worst when the queue didn't even move. Honestly, I almost cried right then. It was a total torture. When I saw my result, I immediately called my parents. When I told them I got 4, I cried right there. With hundreds of students around me. So malu... I couldn't help it. Another great news, the college will organize a all-paid (I think) trip to somewhere (last year was Cameron) for all the 4 flat students. Can't wait to go with Cindy (my room mate)!!!

It's kind of disappointing. I was not chosen for the Bio camp. 2 of my classmates are chosen. 1 Chinese guy from my kuliah was complaining since he doesn't want to go. I guess I have to accept the fact that getting 4 does not mean that you'll be chosen for anything. Nah, I don't want to go further into this topic.

I have to fill in the IPTA form next week. Most probably medic will be my first choice. I'm really interested with medic but I have to be prepared for a lot of things. Chu Yee was telling me that she is afraid to take up medic. You won't have time for anything. By the time you finish your study, you're already 30+. How about your family? She told me that when one of her friend insisted to take up medic, her mum asked her to get marry first. She also told her that she will take care of her children just as long as she has a family. For me, I don't really put much hope on this thing. I'm never the pretty one. No guys ever look at me. I don't mind being alone for the rest of my life but still I hate the feeling of being alone. Sigh... No matter how things turn up, I still pray for the best. I know He has a plan for me and His plan is always the best.

Have to finish my work. By 11, we can't use the wifi service. So annoying, right? I guess they are afraid that we will spend all our time online and forgot to study. Sigh... Will blog soon. Tata ;)

Photos...

2008-11-06T23:48:00.009+08:00

I know. I seldom upload photos on my blog. Well, since you can't be there in KMJ, why not I'll be a tour guide (a lousy one though) and show you some photos of KMJ. Credit to Cindy who took most of the photos.

One of the many pondok in KMJ...

tutorial park. Sat here every Wednesday while waiting for Chemistry lab lecturer to come.

the other tutorial park...

mini waterfall...

cascading water...

library...

the lake behind my hostel... look at that hungry cat...

favourite hangout place for cats...

impressive view of Gunung Ledang... Yup. I know. Puteri Gunung Ledang.

bazaar during fasting month. That girl in purple looks familiar, don't you think so???

Murni's bed. She LOVES pink.

Murni's cat aka her baby...

Jaja's bear. Bigger than the owner...

the books that I brought. Stardust is now at home. Am bringing Joanne Harris' The Lollipop Shoes.

the bear that I brought. my 16th birthday present from my cousin...

Cindy's pasta. That's the bedsheet and pillow case that we got.

my study table. it wasn't that empty. I cleared out all my sem 1 notes and books. It's small. I don't even use it. I do all my work on my bed.

closer look of my memo. I just love that comic. It's soooo... sweet!

some of my classmates and I in dewan kuliah.

outside dewan kuliah...

I know. I know. We planned to wear pink that day. That's why.

before Chemistry lab.

just finished this and Stardust. Nice one.

bought this recently. Am aiming for The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Speaking test was over. Kind of did a stupid mistake. Sigh... The rest will be on this Saturday. I think it'll be kind of hard to get band 5. Sigh... Going back to Tangkak tomorrow. So don't expect any post till... I don't know. A month later, maybe. I'm sure I'll be back on the 5th of December. Got holiday from 25th to 29th December. Oh ya. My uncle is getting married this Saturday and heaps thanks to MUET, I can't be there. Sigh... Pity me... Never mind. At least next year I'll get an extra angpow. Have been waiting 18 years for that. Haha...

Holiday!!!

2008-11-01T21:54:00.010+08:00

=.= As if you can actually call this a holiday. Let's see... Monday I'm going back since my MUET speaking test is on Tuesday. Then coming back in the afternoon. Then going back on Friday for MUET listening, reading and writing which is on Saturday. Sigh...

Time flies. I know I'd mentioned the same phrase in my last post and I'm mentioning it again since it's so true. I really come to realise this after 5 months (WHAT!!!) in KMJ. I mean one minute I saw my name on the internet and rushed to Tangkak and the next minute, final is over and sem 2 will start on the 10th. Wow... 5 months passed just like that... Can't believe it...

Contrary to common belief, matriculation life is NOT easy and you cannnot goyang kaki most of the time. It can be really, really, really hectic. Everyday attend classes from 8 to 4. Then got mountain of tutorial works to finish. And also the Chemistry and Bio lab reports which are usually due the next day after the experiments. And don't forget the almost weekly quiz. But luckily, so far, I manage to cope. But, then, by the time the holiday come, I'll feel the exhaustion and will spend most of my time sleeping. Since the last day of class, and throughout the study week and exam, I barely get more than 5 hours of sleep. Now, I'm feeling a little under the weather but still ok.

Sleep.. Finally...

No no. Don't get me wrong, life there is quite interesting though. With all the different people and different knowledge waiting for me to explore, I'm actually thankful that I'm here although many Chinese don't really like it. Maybe it's because I'm always different than most of the Chinese (remember my life in secondary school?). Everyday, I'll thank God in my prayer. I don't know how I manage to get this offer since the chance for getting it is bleak and why I accept this offer instead of form 6 but I know God has a plan for me. I'll try my very best for my future.

Still remember the day where we got to dissect white mice for Bio. I got to do one all by myself without partner. Yipee!!! For those who think I'm just a little girl with little courage and little heart, think twice! I remember when I went in front to take the equipments, Hanif (a Chinese Muslim) looked at me and asked 'You dare to do it or not?' Yaya... As if I'm scared to do so. Well, to be honest, I was quite nervous when I saw how my lecturer cut the mice as if it was something she does everyday. But the moment I cut its skin, I felt ok. So the moral of the story, don't be fooled by my height. Haha...

Notice the girl with the mask? That's me.

All the organs...

The 'empty' mouse.

The intestine...

The liver...

Heart and lungs...

Skull... Not opened yet...

Guess what??? We have CF (Christian Fellowship) here. The official one. Sarah told me that when they first applied through HEP (pengurusan hal ehwal pelajar), they rejected it. They appealed again. HEP rejected again. Then they applied through pengarah. He approved it. Hah... Our first meeting was on the 17th of October. Our next meeting will be after the holiday. It will be held about twice a month which is on the Friday of the week that we are not allowed to go back. Prayer meeting will be held in the week where we can go back. I only joined them about a month ago so I'm not that extremely close with them yet but they are very nice. We smile and greet each other if we bumped into each other. First CF meeting was great. It's opened to all except, of course, the Muslim students. Many Chinese joined us. It was fun. Since it's the first meeting so it's kind of like orientation where we got to know each other. Ruth was great with the guitar. She's pretty too. Tall and slim. Wow... Can't wait for the next CF...

Usually the same people go for the prayer meeting like Ben, Ruth, Zhao Ling, Lynette, Cindy (my room mate), Ying Ying, Wendy, me... A huge thanks to Poh Yee who told me of the Christian community here. If not, I'll not know of the Christians here. Since then, I'd been to the prayer meeting every time it's held. We do it at 7.30 in the morning before the class start in the tutorial park. First time, I was in the same group with Lynette, Cindy, Ben and Joanna. The second time, there were only 2 guys, Zhao Ling and Chun Xiang. Then Ruth asked Cindy and I to joined them. I was quite nervous since Cindy and Chun Xiang are non-Christian and Zhao Ling is quite a quiet guy. Luckily Ben showed up. Phew...

Tutorial park...

My gosh... Got to go. Will post some more photos in my next post. Ciao!!!

Good and Bad...

2008-09-09T19:56:00.002+08:00

Good News:
Guess what I saw on mph website??? Thanks for the Memories by Cecelia Ahern!!! It is only selling for RM 33.90!!! Finally... I'd waited long enough for this moment and this is so going to be on the top of my book list. Can't wait for holiday to come and grab the book!!! Haha...

Bad News:
Something just happened suddenly. I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know why but it is something rather new to me and it terreifies me a lot. I really don't know what to do. I really want to talk to somebody about it but she's rather busy. I told Cindy (my room mate) about it. Not all the details, just part of it. She doesn't know how this is affecting me. Honestly, I also don't know why this is affecting me. This is just ridiculous. I really need to get over it. Some things are just impossible so it's better not to think about it. I don't know why. I really don't want to think about it but somehow it just keeps popping out and it really annoys me. Sigh...

Nice...

2008-08-16T14:38:00.003+08:00

Just came across this song and I love it. Reminds me a lot of Where Rainbows End (Love this book!!!).

Lucky - Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every
Luckyto have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

The Real World...

2008-08-13T23:25:00.003+08:00

'Olympic opening uses girl's voice, not face'

The reality. The real world.

Please. Anyone. Just give me a brown paperbag and dig a hole for an ugly girl like me to hide.

*sob sob*

New Book!!!

2008-08-12T12:28:00.004+08:00

Oh. My. Gosh. A new book by Cecelia Ahern is coming out soon!!! I just can't get enough of Cecelia Ahern's novels. I'd just finished Where Rainbows End. At first I thought the story may not be that good but I was wrong. So wrong. I couldn't stop laughing and crying even before I reached the 50th page. At the end of the story, I'd lost count on how many times I laughed and cried. It is just fantastic. My favourite part of the story will be The Silence. The sweet silence. You have to read the book to understand what I meant by The Silence. It's just so funny.

Back to the new book. It's titled The Gift and it's coming out in October. Check out the cover. It's so charming!!! Even better than Thanks For The Memories.

I'm already falling head to toes in love with this book even before I read it. And it's definitely next on my book-shopping list. Wait. Check the price first. RM79.90. *Faint*

Start of Something New...

2008-08-11T01:26:00.004+08:00

Gosh... I hadn't been online for 2 months already... Sorry for not blogging. I don't really have access to internet. Well, actually I have but it's really uncomfortable to surf the net in the cyber room so I'd rather not online.

Time flies... Just a blink of eyes, I'd spend more than 2 months in Kolej Matrikulasi Johor already. Can't believe it... Do I like it? Well, I kind of got used to that life very quickly. All the haunting pasts are far away from me and those who used to hurt me are not there to hurt me anymore. And ya, Sik Hoe and I are friends again. Don't ask me how. I'm also wondering the same question. Hmmm...

Ok. Back to KMJ. Life is quite nice there despite all the works and assignments. My room mates are so cute and they are the one who make me comfortable there. 2 Malays and 2 Chinese including me. All Bio students except Cindy who took up account. All 4 of us are very close. We share jokes and stories and not a day pass by without all 4 of us laughing out loud. Seeing how some struggle to get along with their room mates, I really consider myself lucky.

My classmates are also very nice. Some interesting things about my class. We got 4 Chinese including me. 3 girls and 1 boy. The guy is a Chinese Muslim. All 3 girls share the same surname so unlike secondary school, everyone call me by my name. And I like that a lot. I'm no longer the shortest one in the class so Saren, STOP calling me shortie!!!

Funny. I thought people will ignore me since I'm always the shortest, fattest and the ugliest girl but people here (at least those that I know) seems to think otherwise. They roll their eyes whenever I complain how fat I am. Whenever I dress up a little to go to meeting or library or anywhere, Murni(my room mate) will start to propose that people especially boys will kidnapped me or I'll be chased all around the college. Her reason? I'm very cute. Oooookkkk... Cute is never in my dictionary. Just ask those Chinese guys who used to be in the same class as me. They will tell you otherwise. Especially that one who asked me when am I planning to go on diet. Must ask Murni to go and check her eyesight... (can imagine her rolling her eyes already) Once, my classmate asked me whether I got any boyfriend or not. When I said no, she got a shock and stared at me. Do I really look like one who can attract guys? I doubt so... Most of the girls here in KMJ are beautiful. I'm just the normal looking one.

Oh, just forget about the above pharagraph. Let's go back to KMJ. Ahhh... The library. As a bookworm, besides the reference books section, I explored the English fiction section the first day I entered the library. Guess which genre of books dominate the shelf? Historical romance. Gosh... Historical romance. I really cannot stand historical romance. I prefer something like Cecelia Ahern's and Alice Hoffman's and also Nicholas Sparks'. And where is Agatha Christie??? Sigh... Really miss Agatha Christie's novels. Miss the excitement and all the trilling moments... But I found something among all those historical romance. Medical trillers by Tess Gerritsen. Yipee!!! Her books are just fantastic!!!

2 weeks of mid sem holiday just started. Just finished my Bio assignment. Now doing my English project work. Got tutorial work to do. Then must finish my jotter book.

Will update soon. I promise. If not, I can count on Sabbie to pester me to blog. Hehe...

Huh???

2008-05-10T01:34:00.006+08:00

Just came across this on a website:

'A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.' - Gloria Steinem

Wow... Unbelievable...

And why on earth does a fish need a bicycle???

Happy Birthday!!!

2008-05-06T11:39:00.003+08:00

If I didn't stumble across this, I would never found out that April 28th is Nancy Drew's birthday and that will really be a shame since I grew up reading her books.

I still remember when I was in primary school, my dad would bring me to the public library and that is the place where I first picked up Nancy Drew's books. I loved it so much that I would finish it as soon as possible so that I could borrow another one.

Eventually, I found out that the library also has translated BM version of Nancy Drew series. As the type of quirky girl who loves to read as many version of a book as possible to compare, I borrow the series and I found them quite ok. Those were the first BM books that I laid my hands on and I guess that's how I could manage to write BM essays. All thanks to Nancy Drew!!!

Later when I went to secondary school, I found out that the school library also has some Nancy Drew's books, I figured that I hadn't been reading it for quite some times and I started to read them again. Although I love the series but as I grew older, I put them aside and opted for more gripping series, like Harry Potter and Agatha Christie and lots more fictions.

What do I like about Nancy Drew? She's smart, gorgeous, nice, brave and she has a charming boyfriend, Nate. Her friends are always there for her through good and bad times. Her adventures are not easy and although she had received many treats, been kidnapped, been knocked out so many times but she still has the strength to go on. I really admire her.

Although I had not read her books for a few years already but I will never forget her. I will highly recommend her books to my cousin, my future nephew, niece and who knows, children. She is a part of my childhood memory and she'll always be on my mind.

Thanks for the sweet times you had given me. Happy 78th birthday!!!

Arggghhh...

2008-05-04T01:28:00.002+08:00

SIGH...

This is so unfair :(

In conjunction with the new movie, Prince Caspian, MPH has a very special and impressive offer. All you need to do is to purchase one 7-in-1 movie tie-in Prince Caspian and you will get a free Limited Edition Stamp Set. Stamp set!!! Limited edition somemore!!! Just the thought of it makes me swoon...

The problem is, I had already bought the book about 6 years ago!!! All I lack is the first one, The Magician's Nephew which my cousin failed to return the book to me after all these years...

If only I'd seen this coming, I wouldn't have bought the series... Then not only I will be able to get the book, I'll also own a Limited Edition Stamp Set :(

Arggghhh...

Touched...

2008-05-02T10:19:00.006+08:00

Everytime I come across things like this, I can't help but smile. This is very sweet and precious. A few days ago, I was in Kota helping my aunt, who was on a holiday trip, managing her shop (which explains my absence for about a week, if anyone noticed at all). It was a usual morning with me standing at the cashier with my cousin's wife. Then I saw an old couple climbing up the stairs to my aunt's shop. The old man was holding his wife's hand and carefully led her up the stairs. His face was fulled of concern. The way they talked reminds me of a couple who are deeply on love. He never let go of her hand while they were grabbing some groceries. While he was at the cashier, he told us that his wife has heart problem. I could see that he's worried about her. After that, with one hand holding grocery, he led his wife with his other hand and walked out of the shop. Both of us looked at them until they disappeared from our sight. My cousin's wife sighed and said that it's hard to see this kind of thing anymore. I agree with her. This couple really showed me the meaning of true love and I am really touched.

"True love is just like rain; it touches us all."

The Road Less Traveled...

2008-04-17T10:19:00.002+08:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

The first time I studied 'The Road Less Traveled' by Robert Frost, I understood it and I loved it. Now, I truly understand it from my heart. I'm in a dilemma because I don't know what to choose. Yes, I know, I should have planned earlier but since young, I had been dreaming of becoming a doctor. But now, I know I can't because I do not have the skill to do so. Now I have 2 choices, accounting or pharmacy. Just like the poet, I kept thinking of the advantages of these 2 choices and both have good prospects. Taking Pharmacy, which I am rather interested in, will mean extra burden to my parents unless I got JPA scholarship but all of us know that it's not easy to get one. If accounting, which I also quite interested in, then I'll get to finish my study in 3 years time and work after that. I really don't know which course I should take.

After TM, Petronas and matrikulasi rejected my offer, my parents started to worry and enquire about colleges. They thought I'll definitely get a scholarship that's why they'd never thought of college. I thought I would have to go to form 6 if I don't get any offer that's why I'd never mentioned about college even though it did cross my mind before. Now, I have to make up my mind fast since I have to sign up as soon as possible.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

Ya, I do wish that I can take both at the same time but it's impossible. There's no turning back and I do not wish to have any regrets.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Whichever choice I make, I'll be like the poet. It's hard but hey, what is life without having to make any choice?

The choice that will make all the difference in my life, what will it be?

Yipee!!!

2008-04-15T10:12:00.003+08:00

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!
I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!
I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!

*Taking a deep breathe*

Aiyah, sorry for being so annoying... But I'm really excited!!! I'm sure Chia Siong and Choon Min had heard me complaining so much about driving since I was really bad at it. I even hit the divider once and annoyed my instructor. Once I cried in front of my instructor because I couldn't stand the disappointment. I tried so hard and finally all my efforts have proved worthwhile. Phew...

It was so tiring yesterday. I waited for more than 5 hours for my turn. I did bring 2 books along with me but I was too nervous to read. Finally, my turn came a few minutes after 5.00 pm. So happy that I couldn't stop smiling. My instructor recalled to those around on how I looked extremely pale everytime I practiced. Luckily I got over it and managed to improve my driving.

My mum told me that my dad assumed that I'd failed miserably when they didn't receive my sms even though it was already 5.00 pm. =.=" Even my day wasn't confident of my driving. Not to mention that he'd never seen me driving before. Aiyah... Slept for 12 hours since I was too tired.

I'm waiting for my license. After getting it, my dad will definitily force me to drive. Ermm... Just a word of caution: I'm still not that extremely good at driving so if you ever see me on the road, do avoid me. It's for your own good and mine too. You and I don't want to get involve in any accident, right???

The wait is over but...

2008-04-10T12:27:00.007+08:00

Since getting my hands on Cecelia Ahern's books last year, I had been waiting anxiously for her next. Went to mph website yesterday night and I was so excited to find that her new book is finally out!!!

Thanks for the Memories

I read the synopsis and I really find it interesting. The cover looks nice too. She is one of my favourite author too. If there's mph bookstore in this lovely small town, I would definitely dashed out of the house and run all the way to the bookstore (no license yet =.='). I want! I want!! I want!!! (Practising puppy eyes so that I can persuade my parents to buy for me)

Oh wait... The price. *checking* Oh my goodness!!! RM 69.90!!! *Faint*

My first interview...

2008-04-03T12:58:00.004+08:00

When I was shortlisted for the JPA interview, my parents were worried. For them, their daughter is a painfully shy girl. Ya. I was once like that but now I'm quite ok. Not so shy but still a little bit. Well, like they said, old habit dies hard.

I reached there about an hour early. The previous batch wasn't out yet and that includes Chia Zhen. While I was searching for my name, he came out. He saw my name on the panel 1 list and he told me he was in the same panel too. He told me his topics and apparently the interviewers in panel will ask us 2 topics in Malay and English. Argghhh... Malay!!! I'm not really that fluent in Malay but no choice... Still, I was hoping for the best. Oh ya, a little shout out to Chia Zhen. Thanks a lot and you look really smart that day :)

While waiting, I had the chance to talk with some people there. Nice people... There's a guy there. He and I were the earliest. He smiled at me. I smiled at me. He smiled at me. I smiled at him. And the process went on whenever our eyes met. After that, he asked me which school I was from and I answered him. I didn't ask him any question so we didn't talk anymore. Pathetic me... I talked with quite some girls there. Pretty and nice girls. Saw some really tall girls. Made me want to go back and wear high heels...

This is so pretty... I want!!!

My group was the last one so while waiting for our turn, we talked to each other and we enjoyed ourself. The only Malay guy there was kind of left out of the conversation but I tried to make eye contact with him. Don't want to be rude. There's a guy there who kept on calling me green fish and teased me for wearing a green songket kebaya. Haha...

Finally, it was our turn. We had a group discussion. Don't know whether I did well or not. I paused twice for a minute so I'm not so confident with myself. Hope for the best lah. The guy who called me green fish really talked a lot and it was really hard to interupt my group members. I didn't stumble upon words so I consider myself ok already.

I really have to say that the interview was really fun. Meeting new people, getting new experience... Now I have to wait until the third week of May. *Cross my fingers*

Interview...

2008-03-31T23:23:00.004+08:00

*breathe in* In a few hours time, I'll be heading to Merlimau for my JPA interview. I'm actually very nervous. The same usual me. Too bad I didn't have a chance to talk to Saren's cousin due to some connection problems. Choon Min reminded me soooo... many times that I have to send him all the things that I'd prepared after my interview. Oh... Didn't I mention that tomorrow is the first day of interview??? Ya. I'm among the lucky candidates who get to go to the interview first. And I'm same time with you-know-who. Lucky for me, I have a friend whom her interview is earlier than mine so I can sms her and ask her. I understand that I don't stand a high chance since normally only 1 or 2 from our school will get the scholarship and 2 classmates of mine stand a very high chance. Nonetheless, I'll definitely give my best shot. At first, I was planning to wear a short-sleeve blouse and a knee length skirt. Luckily, I heard that that's not so proper as you need to cover up and that baju kurung will the best choice for girls. I didn't manage to borrow baju kurung but I got a songket kebaya from my sister's friend. So I'm wearing that.

Oh ya, before I end this (still got things to prepare), I would like to thanks Michelle Goh for replying my e-mail and giving me some tips for the interview. She also gave me a website and it was very useful. Thanks a lot!!!

Wish list...

2008-03-28T10:57:00.016+08:00

A bookaholic like me can never get enough of books. I'm starting my own personal library in my room. After counting, I only have 60-65 books!!! That is way far than enough. Here are some of the books that I want and am trying my best to get my hands on them.

Stardust - Neil Gaiman

In the tranquil fields and meadows of long-ago England, there is a small hamlet that has stood on a jut of granite for 600 years. Just to the east stands a high stone wall, for which the village is named. Here, in the hamlet of Wall, young Tristran Thorn has lost his heart to the hauntingly beautiful Victoria Forester. And here, one crisp October eve, Tristran makes his love a promise -- an impetuous vow that will send him through the only breach in the wall, across the pasture... and into the most exhilarating adventure of his life.

I'd always love fantasy and this just seems to be one that will bring me to an exciting and unusual adventure. Can't wait for it!

Since I Don't Have You - Louise Candlish

They were friends who shared everything - until tragedy singled one out. At the birth of their daughters best friends Rachel, Mariel and Jenny make a promise: to love and care for each other's girls exactly as they would their own. Six years later and a tragedy has torn them apart. Within weeks, Rachel has packed up and gone. Settling on the beautiful, windswept Greek island of Santorini, she knows she has come to the right place, but as she slowly rebuilds her world she can't forget the pledge she once made to her friends. She hires a private investigator, the enigmatic Johnny Palmer, and arranges for him to send regular updates on the girls she has left behind. Over the years, with Palmer's help, she is able to secretly soothe their growing pains - as well as those of their parents. But in Rachel's new island life far from home, who will be there to guide her?

I'm sniffing a little now. Love books that are very emotional especially those that can really make me cry.

The Spiderwick Chronicles - Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi

It all started with a mysterious letter left at a tiny bookstore for authors Tony DiTerlizzi and Holly Black. Its closing lines: "We just want people to know about this. The stuff that has happened to us could happen to anyone." Little could they imagine the remarkable adventure that awaited them as they followed Jared, Simon, and Mallory Grace and a strange old book into a world filled with elves, goblins, dwarves, trolls, and a fantastical menagerie of other creatures. The oddest part is in entering that world, they didn't leave this one!

Elves, goblins, dwarves, trolls and other creatures??? I must be insane if I don't like this.

P.S. I Love You - Cecelia Ahern

Some people wait their whole lives to find their soul mates. But not Holly and Gerry. Childhood sweethearts, they could finish each other's sentences and even when they fought, they laughed. No one could imagine Holly and Gerry without each other. Until the unthinkable happens. Gerry's death devastates Holly. But as her 30th birthday looms, Gerry comes back to her. He's left her a bundle of notes, gently guiding Holly into her new life without him, each note signed "P.S. I Love You." As the notes are gradually opened, and as the year unfolds, Holly is both cheered up and challenged. The man who knows her better than anyone sets out to teach her that life goes on. With some help from her friends, and her noisy and loving family, Holly finds herself laughing, crying, singing, dancing - and being braver than ever before. Life is for living, she realises - but it always helps if there's an angel watching over you.

Cecelia Ahern's novels always have this magical touch. Love them.

The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards

This stunning novel begins on a winter night in 1961, when a blizzard forces Dr. David Henry to deliver his own twins. His son, born first, is perfectly healthy, but the doctor immediately recognizes that his daughter has Down syndrome. For motives he tells himself are good, he makes a split-second decision that will haunt all their lives forever. He asks his nurse, Caroline, to take the baby away to an institution. Instead, she disappears into another city to raise the child as her own. Compulsively readable and deeply moving. The Memory Keeper's Daughter is a brilliant crafted story of parallel lives, familial secretsm, and the redemptive power of love.

Tragic family saga? I got to love this.

Heroes: Saving Charlie - Aury Wallington

Hiro Nakamura possesses the remarkable power to control time. And like his uniquely blessed comrades, he’s on a mission for the good of humankind. But another challenge awaits him: saving the love of his life from an unspeakable death. Charlene “Charlie” Andrews is the big-hearted, small-town beauty whose sunny smile and sweet soul knocked the shy Hiro head over heels. But when Charlie’s young life is snuffed out by a grisly serial killer, their budding romance is brutally cut short. Or is it? Thanks to his astounding newfound skill, Hiro has the means to do what no tragedy-stricken lover in history ever could–turn back time. And no matter how raw his abilities, or how many twists of circumstance conspire to foil him, he vows to deliver Charlie from the evil poised to claim her. He will be her hero. But what possible consequences might changing the past visit upon the future? How could saving one cherished life affect millions ofothers? And what ultimate choice will Hiro make when the power of fate rests in his hands?

Hiro is sooo... cute!!!

Mr Monk and The Two Assistants - Lee Goldberg

Only a special kind of person can keep up with Monk's brilliant, it idiosyncratic, methods. One such person is his former assistant, Sharona. And now that her ne'er-do-well husband has been arrested for murder, she's back in San Francisco, ready to reclaim her place in Monk's life-much to the chagrin of his current assistant, Natalie. While Monk tries to maintain a delicate balance between the two women, he discovers a few unsettling snags in the case against Sharona's husband, and finds that he may be up against a killer who not only understands him, but is one step ahead...

I miss this series. Monk is definitely one of my favourite detective.

13 Little Blue Envelopes - Maureen Johnson

Inside little blue envelope 1 are $1,000 and instructions to buy a plane ticket. In envelope 2 are directions to a specific London flat. The note in envelope 3 tells Ginny: Find a starving artist. Because of envelope 4, Ginny and a playwright/thief/ bloke-about-town called Keith go to Scotland together, with somewhat disastrous—though utterly romantic—results. But will she ever see him again? Everything about Ginny will change this summer, and it's all because of the 13 little blue envelopes.

Adventure with a twist of romance? Count me in ;)

That's all I can think of now. I'm quite sure there are a lot more. Will blog about them once I remember :)

My Current Favourite...

2008-03-26T13:34:00.004+08:00

Heard this song a few times on the radio. Love it very much. This song is sooo sweet...

Say It Again - Marie Digby

The thing about love
Is I never saw it coming
It kinda crept up and took me by surprise
And now there’s a voice inside my heart that’s got me wondering
Is this true, I want to hear it one more time

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz I love the way it feels when you are telling me that I’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love
Say it again

Thing about you is you know just how to get me
You talk about us like there’s no end in sight
The thing about me is that I really want to let you
Open that door and walk into my life

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz I love the way it feels when you are telling me that I’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love

And it feels like it’s the first time
That anybody's ever brought the sun without the rain
And never in my whole life
Have I heard words as beautiful as when you say my name

Say it again for me
Cuz I love the way it feels when you are telling me that I’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love
Say it again

When you tell me you’re in love…
Say it again

Touching...

2008-03-22T19:39:00.004+08:00

Almost everytime this song is played, there'll be tears in my eyes. It is just so touching. There's no personal reason why this song always makes me want to cry since I come from a close-knit family. Or maybe that's the reason. It always breaks my heart to come across this kind of song and story. It really really makes me realise how lucky am I and I'm really grateful to God of what I have.

Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

Truth...

2008-03-19T10:42:00.003+08:00

Was watching Damages last night. The truths were twisted and everything looked bleak for Ellen.

Sigh... It's really hard to trust anyone nowadays. I know how it feels. I'm the type of person who wish to trust people but after everything that had happened to me, I just know that I can't. I still remember once when I read about something bad, my heart was shattered. I didn't know what to do. I found it hard to trust anyone and I began to doubt some of my friends. I send an e-mail to a friend. I know he/she is a sensible person and he/she will not do anyting horrible but I was really afraid since he/she is a good friend of a person who really dislikes me. I asked him/her to delete the e-mail I send to him/her because I was scared that he/her would send it to his/her friend. I know he/she won't do that but I was really hurt by what had happened. Later, he/she replied and asked me what was wrong. He/she even said that if I need someone to talk to, I can always contact him/her. Until now, I still feel guilty of even doubting him/her. Later that night, Sabbie saw what I wrote on web messenger and she called me to ask me what had happened. She really showed her concern. Few weeks ago, another truth was twisted again and I send a sms to Nana and told her that something had happened. She immediately called me up even though she wasn't supposed to use the phone. She is really a great friend.

After everything that had happened to me, I don't deny that I find it hard to trust anyone again. I can't bear to see myself getting hurt again. Looking at the bright side, I found those who I can really trust or should I say true friend. Although we may drift apart sooner or later, although we may not see each other again, I'll still remember those who had given me the strength to stand up again and made me see that there is still hope.

A sincere gratitude to those who were and still are a good friend of mine and sorry if I had ever offended you guys.

True Friend - Miley Cyrus

We sign our cards and letters BFF
You've got a million ways to make me laugh
You're lookin' out for me; you've got my back
It's so good to have you around

You know the secrets I could never tell
And when I'm quiet you break through my shell
Don't feel the need to do a rebel yell
Cause you keep my feet on the ground

You're a true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again
You're a true friend

You don't get angry when I change the plans
Somehow you're never out of second chances
Won't say "I told you" when I'm wrong again
I'm so lucky that I've found

A true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again

True friends will go to the ends of the earth
Till they find the thing you need
Friends hang on through the ups and the downs
Cause they've got someone to believe in

A true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
No need to pretend
You're a true friend
You're here till the end
Pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again
You're a true friend
You're a true friend
You're a true friend