Disturbing images...

有麝自然香，
何必当风立。

与其到处奉承那些大人物，
倒不如把自己的本分做好，
把自己所承诺的事实践，
别人就不会在背后一直说你不好。

自己自愿担当这责任，
就该负责到底，
少在大庭广众大声说话，
摆出一幅自以为是的样子，
到处说自己有多好，
有多行，
这更显示你的不行。

You reminded me so much of the politicians that I hate to think of, the same one who is gradually replicating in the political field. They think that they are so great and busy. They think that doing a little job meant that they deserve all the compliments. They think that sticking themselves with the VIPs make them look great. They think that talking is more important than action. They think that it's not their fault when they do not fulfill their promise or take charge of their responsibility properly. They think that they should boast about their ability and it's ok if they actually are incapable of performing simple thing.

But why do I keep on having this image of you standing in front of people, shouting your propaganda and asking them to vote for you to be their rep? 

It's just disturbing...

Personality Disorder...

For the past many many years, I'd been telling myself that I don't want to end up like someone I know: quiet, emotionless, awkward...

There are many things around my family that I try to avoid. It's even worst ever since I entered medical school. People expect me to lead a rich life after graduate, people expect me to provide free medical care, people expect me to pull some strings and get free medical check-ups and referral to the best doctor. It's even stressful at home when people expect me to know everything from why I got pain here and there, why are my eyes get uncomfortable to light, what's the correct postures and so on and so forth... Then there's the internet where people get all sorts of articles on all sorts of diseases and studies and then they expect you to know all those.  Even rare rare disease also I'm expected to know. I'd tried to explain why I can't know everything but like people always say, unless you're in the medical field, you will never understand the life of a medical student and doctor. I get all so frustrated and I put up my poker face when I have to face with these.

There are so much emotions going on in me but I can't let them out. After that, I became the person I hate the most in front of my family, the quiet and the worst of all, emotionless girl. And I hate myself. 

I guess that's why I want to escape. Escape to somewhere where nobody knows me and I can be myself. Being with people I know and familiar places just make me awkward especially when it comes to working. I need a break from all these. 

PS: All of these came to me when my mum said I'd changed. She said one day, I'll not pick up their phones anymore. I'll not talk to them anymore. I become too proud because of what I'm doing. She said I no longer call home as I used to. The thing is, every time I called, they will just ask me what do I need and within a few minutes, the conversation is over. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. Don't even talk about my dad, he doesn't even talk to us unless it's important matter. There's no chit-chat, conversation, nothing. I see my friends' interaction with their family and I began to realise that mine is the odd one. Truth is, I'm always waiting for my mum to call me just to ask me how I'm doing. Guess this is something that she won't know...

Blessed :)

Love is when...

You felt a movement in the middle of the night

then you realised that some one was reaching for the blankets and covered you with it

for fear that you would feel cold.

In this moment, even for a few seconds, I feel blessed :)

Grateful :)

Here am I, sitting in the dark living room, with hymns playing in my ears and my sister sleeping soundly beside me and reality finally sets in...

I'm finally back home. I'd managed to overcome the exam by God's grace. For a second, I really thought I'll not see my name in the list. 

Thank God for everything. I realise I still have a lot more to learn, there are still many knowledge that I lack, that I should know but I don't know. Funny how it always take a challenge, a near-failing episode to make one realise that you're not good as you think you are.

I have a long long long way to go. This is just the start of many more tough exams and challenges. Thank You Lord for always watching over me and providing me with strength when I think I can no longer make it. Thank God. I know I'd strayed but I promise I'll be obedient and mature from now on. 

Thank You :)

The wait...

Yesterday was the end. But will it really be the end of it?

All I can do now is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But how prepared am I for the worst?

Since yesterday, I have been busied myself with my laptop, book... The moment I stop, the thought of exam will come and I can't stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks... 

All I can really do now is stay still and pray for the best. Thank You for being my fortress. If it were not for you, I doubt I'm still sane after all the stressful weeks. Thank You :)

韦礼安-We'll Never Know 


'We'll never know the answer, 'cause you never chose 那选择.'

I didn't have faith with this pathway, I went on with other choices but at the end of the day, I was led to this pathway again. It's not easy, the exam is getting tougher and tougher and I expect the future ones to be even tougher. I'll never regret my choice as this is what I want deep down. I just hope I'll have more courage to face all the difficulties that come with this pathway.