The Summit...

"The higher you climb, the harder you fall."

The amount of truth to this - 100%.

Imagine walking through many ladders and you found one which caught your eyes and you started to climb.

Along the way, you felt there was something wrong, as if there's just not you alone who was climbing the stairs. But you didn't care. You closed your thoughts when rationale was trying to warn you. You closed you eyes towards everything around you and you continue climbing.

Just when you thought you're nearing the top, you realised there were no more stairs to climb. Looking up, someone else was already at the top.

It was too late to realise that the ladder was never meant for you to climb at the first place.

You fell hard to the ground and broke into pieces, especially your heart.

You had to pick up the pieces, paste every single one together, lick your tears, stand up and continue walking.

All these with a smile on your face and pretending that nothing had ever happened.

Heartache is the worst. It haunts you every time. You spend all your energy into work because you don't want to think about other things. Every time you stop and pause, all the thoughts keep rushing back and tears start collecting. And you continue to work because you don't want to think about it.

It's a vicious cycle, I know. But I can't help it. I really don't want to think about it.

People said it's my fault. I am the stupid and retarded one.

But just stand at my shoes and think, how many times can I go through the whole cycle again? It's painful, really really agonising-ly painful.

One is bad, 2 is just bad, 3 is plain stupidity.

Let my cry for now. I'm a big girl, I can go through this.

I'll stand back up.

Falling...

I think I'm falling into the hole, again.

Fast fast climb back up before I fall deeper. Fast.

Ridiculous thoughts...

Suddenly thought of the choice I'd made. Voluntary or involuntary? I have no idea. 

Even if I want, it's not up to me to say anyway. 

Or perhaps one off day from work and I'm starting to think of all sorts of funny things. 

Back to my homework. Back to striving to become competent dr. 

The rest? I'll just leave it to Your hands. I just don't want to think about it or fall into a deep deep deep hole all over again. 

Turning off the stupid, ridiculous girl mode. 

Missing You...

I miss you all.

I really do.

It kind of hits me that I can no longer meet you all as easily as it used to be. But I believe absence will make the heart fonder.

And I only hope absence will not make us strangers.

Till the next time, my dear friends :)

You know who you are :)

Bubble...

If relationship is so unpredictable and no one really knows when will one change or return back to old self or not bother to acknowledge each other, taking granted of each other presence or even getting annoyed of each other, I'd rather live in my own bubble.

Don't tell me that I have to get hurt in order to be loved, don't tell me that perhaps I'll be lucky enough to avoid all heartaches, don't tell me that I have to find a company when I'm old.

It's too unpredictable. I do not want your history to repeat on me.

Just let me live my life and see how my life will turn out to be.

Me or The Other Me?

If the only way to your heart and have your friendship is to be a completely different person than who I am now, I don't think I'll do it. 

I'd rather you look through me and see what is inside of me and let you decide whether I'm worthy of that friendship. 

Till then, let's just be smiling friend - the one who smile at each other but never talk. 

Finally :)

After 5 years of sweat, tear, laughter and joy, we'd finally made it :)

Medical school has never been easy. Besides having to face with tonnes of never-ending knowledge and books, besides all the stress of classes and all, we still have to go through many emotional roller-coaster ride. 

The ride for the past 5 weeks had not been easy. Difficult case scenarios, not-so-good performance of what I can actually do and facing with extraordinary cases and struggling trying to save myself with the help of the kind lecturers I had. 

Now that everything is over, everything feels like a dream. 5 years had gone by, just like that, at a blink of eyes. I'm truly thankful to God for his blessings and guidance. Without Him, I'll never make it through these 5 years smoothly, I'd not grown to become a more mature lady and I'd not learned to appreciate all the ups and downs. 

Thank You. All glory, thanks and honour to You. With the title that has been given to me, I hope I'll be able to do much good and continue to grow stronger and more obedient. Thank You. 

Regrets...

I wish I'd done better than this but everything is over now, I can no longer change what had happened.

I'm greatly disappointed with myself but I can only sit here and pray and hope that everything will be ok, although I know there's a high chance that it'll not.

I don't know whether I can face the music next week.

In the mean time, let me just release all the emotions that I'd been suppressed for the past 5 weeks...

Thanks :')

This 5 years has been a journey full of ups and downs. 

I gained a lot and at the same time, I lost a lot too. 

One of the things that will remain in my heart is the friendships that I've got here. I may not have tonnes of them but those few are the one that I appreciate much and those are the ones that will be in my heart forever. 

Thanks, my dear :) Many thanks for always being there, when I was in good mood and also when I was in cranky mood. Thanks for understanding me so well, thanks for putting up to my quirk and thanks for making me feel like I belong, somehow :)

You're all gift from God and I'm blessed to have you all in my life :)

Thanks :)

1 more day to go. Saving up my tears and hope I'll perform my best tomorrow. 

Dragging Myself Up...

The start of a new day.

And yet, it's still traumatising.

No, I won't blame the examiners. It's my fault. I could do it but I didn't.

2 more days. All I can do is to hope for the best. And I know my parents are probably worried sick ever since I said that "things are not going well".

Hold the tears. Leave then to the weekends. I have to keep going.

Thank You Lord for the blessing and Your grace. I know I am blessed but sorry that I'm such a disappointment.

Apologies...

I'm sorry....

I got the best, the one that everyone wishes for, the one that everyone is dying for and the one that will help everyone.

Yet, I screwed it all up. I didn't get a single one correct. I was told off there and then.

I don't know whether I can make it through. I don't know whether I am worth making through. I don't know whether I deserve it.

I'm sorry. I truly am. And yet, I can't forgive myself. No, I can't.

Keep Going...

As hard as it seems, as difficult as it is to do, I'm just going to keep moving on. The last week has been physically and mentally exhaustive. The nauseating sensation, the frightful feeling that scared me up early in the morning after 3-4 hours of sleep, the lack of appetite and having to force myself to eat (thank God for the new eating spot with very decent food). 

He has already brought me to this far. Without Him, a shy, soft spoken girl like me would never had made it to this step. Thank You, thank You :) I'm just going to try my best, suppress all my fear and anxiety and be confident. 

Outside and Inside...

I may appear to be calm but deep down, I'm feeling miserable.

The worst feeling is that I know that I can do much better than this but I let my nervousness got a hold on me. It's unforgivable actually. After going through many exams, the nervousness will always be the same and it'll always be there. 

One more week to go and I really hope things will go well...

Thank You :)

Thoughts...

Stop thinking about what I'd done.

Concentrate on what I can do next.

That's the only mantra I'm telling myself over and over again. If not, I'm going to drown in deep pool of regrets...

Thank You :)

PS: The last few moments of waiting outside the cubicle and waiting for exam to commence was hard. Prof Y came and checked on us and said softly: "You have come this far. Trust yourself and stay calm. You can do it. All the best." And she tapped my shoulder and it was at that moment I realised that she was talking to us. Then Dr A came: "You have studied so hard for the past 5 years. You will know the answers. Good luck." Those were not the exact words as I was too nervous to realise that they were trying to calm us down until the last word =.= Thinking about it now touches my heart really deep. Thanks Prof, thanks Dr :') And thanks to Dr M who gave a tutorial, right after I finished, on how to do a proper defibrillation and reassured me that I'd passed that station :) 

Ok? Not...

It was ok. 

I felt quite ok then at the very last minute, I realised I missed out something. Few hours later, I realised I missed out an important aspect. 

Sigh...

Moving on the next. The real challenge is coming up. 

Hoping for the best...

Thank You :') Although I may not be deserving... 

Miserable Start...

It was not a very good start. 

I felt and still feel miserable.

But there's no turning back, I still have to keep my chin up and go through the next one. 

PS: Had lunch with Dr Loh and found out that they are organising a thalassaemia day again but it's a day before result day. Thalassaemia camp is my fondest memory in medical school and I really really really hope I can help out again before I leave. But how will my mood be then? Hmmm... Anyway, thanks a lot dr for the timely advise and encouragement :')

Thank You :')

Derealisation...

It's up. 

Tomorrow. 

The final run. 

Pray that we'll all go through smoothly. 

If I'd ever offended any of you, please accept my apologies from the bottom of my heart. I'm just a normal human being, full of emotion and being led by my own principles of life. 

Thank You for bringing me this far. It's You and only You that a small, shy girl like me can go out of my comfort zone and break out of my cocoon, even just a little. Thank You :)

2nd Last Day...

It's the 2nd last day.

And my brain is still as resonant as ever *gulp*

Praying for the best...

Thank You :')

The Journey...

Today, a dear friend had an encounter which left a deep impression in her and we talked about this journey we are on. 

I thought of the time I'd been here. I have to admit, sometimes, I did get lost, somehow. It's a constant battle between being a robot and scoring high marks in exam vs having a heart but doing average in exam. I tend to lean towards the second though some of my colleagues look down on that. 

The conversation brought me back on track though. 

I still remember once when I was in the ward till late evening. Before I left, I dropped by a Malay grandmother's room to say goodbye. She had been in the ward for almost 1 month and she missed being home for Hari Raya. Hence, she was rather upset and restless so I tried to check on her everyday. She was with her husband who dotes on her. The moment I entered, they treated me with a hearty dinner. I tried to reject but they wouldn't take "no". That was one of the fondest memories I had here. Despite the race differences, they were very kind towards me. I was truly touched. 

There was another incident whereby an elderly lady who is from Johor had to be admitted in the ward. She had no one except her daughter-in-law and 2 grandsons who couldn't accompany her during the weekdays. She told me about her illness and her lost. I couldn't bear to see her alone so I would drop by every evening before I leave to chat with her for a while. She recalled fondly of another doctor who would constantly nag her to take her medications and take care of herself (I realised later that the dr was my buddy!). Every time I left, she would thank me with the grateful look that I'll never forget. 

There was also another instant when I met this angry-looking elderly lady. She called me over and asked me to help her with her food. Then she started telling me her stories. Boy, she is such a sweet lady. Every time I passed by, she would called me over and hold my hands and before I leave, she'd give me a big hug.

There were many more instances and they will always be in my memories. Paediatric posting had been my favourite posting by far (though it's the most scary and tough one) because all the lecturers care very much for their patients. I remember how Prof Lucy will stay on till late night just to make sure her critically-ill patients are alright. She would spend hours with them and I'd never heard her complain, not even once. And of course, my dear mentor, Prof S who has one of the biggest heart on top of having a vast knowledge. 

Thanks for being an inspiration for me, my dear lecturers, my dear colleagues and all the dear patients whom I had come across throughout this journey. 

I hope I'll never forget the reason that brought me to this journey. I do not wish to become a robot. All I want is to be a competent human being with a heart. 

仁 －永远别忘了当初的初衷...

A Little Boy and I :)

Met an adorable little boy in the elevator.

Me: Where're your eyes?
Little Boy: *blink blink blink*

I melted there and then :)

Thank You :)