Photography...

Few weeks back, my cousin held his wedding lunch. I wanted to attend but I had exam during that time so I couldn't go back. 

Of course, few hours later, photos of the lunch were on facebook. I looked through and I saw all the smiles on the family's and my cousin's faces. Somehow, I hope I was there. I'd missed too many wedding lunch and dinner ever since I entered matriculation and subsequently university. 

When I met my sister, I asked her about the wedding. Apparently, my cousin who has a DSLR and who is a avid photographer went around and busied himself with photo-taking. After all that, he only had this comment on the wedding: 'It's sad. It seems like the newly-weds are not blessed at all even by their own family members.'  

People always say, a picture paints a thousand words. In some scenarios, it's true. But does it apply all the time? I was and still am not very fond of photography. For me, a photo does not mean anything. Everyone smiles but are they really happy? Just like the wedding lunch, everyone smiles at the camera, everyone looks radiant in pretty clothes but are they really happy? Do they really want to be there at the wedding? Do they bless the newly-weds? Are they really happy about the marriage? I can imagine them smiling at the camera but giving all sorts of comments during the wedding about the newly-weds. 

Photos also brings about disappointment. People like to see breathtaking photos of scenery. Even me. But when you're really there at the exact same place, will it be as beautiful as what you saw in the photos? I'd seen beautifully-taken photos of Malacca and it took my breath away. I even wish I was there but I'd been  to those places before and I know that the places don't look like those photos at all. 

People tend to judge things by what they appear to be but more often than not, things are not that way. You'll never know what hides behind a smile, a hug, a frown, a tear. You'll never know unless you're a mind-reader. Photos may paint a thousand words but those are words which are like the tip of an iceberg, you'll never know what is hidden under the deep sea. 

Never judge a book by its cover, it's misleading.

邓福如-Where is the Love?

好有感觉的一首歌 :)

周末

一个周末有两天，

星期六与日。

两天内有48个小时，

有2,880分钟，

有172,800秒。

我都很向往周末，

平时都很忙，

没时间，

又有ward round，

又有lectures,

又要去ward，

24小时都嫌不够。

周末就如救星，

不用上课，

有多一点时间温习。

星期四考玩了long case，

心情很差，

整个周末都以沉重的心情与家人一起过。

妹妹看到我时，

一直介绍我看On Call 36小时，

虽说想要温习，

但心情真得太差，

就开始看了起来，

一追就追了两天，

把我的周末用完了。

周末过了，

我后悔吗？

我不知。

我做对了选择吗？

我不晓。

我是否浪费了温习的时间？

我很怕。

俗语说，

人生如戏，戏如人生，

看了两天，

就哭了两天，

尤其是看到实习医生的艰辛与挣扎，

更让眼泪不断流下。

我虽不是实习医生，

但身为医学生的痛苦与挣扎，

在这连续剧里一幕一幕的呈现，

让我忍无可忍，

很想很想放声大哭。

三年里有1,095天，

26,280小时，

1,576,800分钟，

94,608,000秒。

我进入医学院也近三年，

前两年都是theory，

及格了，

进入了clinical year，

到巴生来实习。

当时的我很兴奋，

终于不需要死啃书了，

是时候运用我们所学的，

并且能与病人谈话，

了解他们与他们的病情，

终于靠近了自己的梦想。

考long case 时，

我被三位病人拒绝了，

第四位病人很难与我合作，

我有很多 history 问不到，

我一直尝试，

就算被病人嫌我烦，

我还是问下去，

到最后还是被打断了。

History 问不到，

被别人嫌烦，

当时我差点要哭了，

但我忍，

不让眼泪流下来，

不让穿着白色衣袍的我在众多医生，学生，同学与病人前崩溃。

我心想，

History 不完整不是我的错，

我已尽力了，

只要能回答教授的问题就行了。

哪知教授来了之后，

更辛苦，

问题答得不好，

基本的医学常识我也答得吞吞吐吐，

还答错。

考完过后的我差点哭了，

但我硬撑，

把眼泪鼻涕吞回肚里，

依然笑笑的过。

觉得自己很笨，

我在巴生已有了8个月，

过了5个postings，

但还是一样，

基本东西都不会，

平时在ward里遇到的东西，事物，

完全都没留在脑里。

我有一个心愿，

就是把书读好，

考到医科，

做个好医生，

帮助病人。

听起来老土了些，

幼稚了些，

可笑了些，

但我想要的就是这么简单。

医科一点都不好玩，

我知道，

我一直以来都很认真地做，

都没有抱着玩玩的心情。

我不想做错事，

不想让病人冒险，

不想让别人因我而死去。

每当读书读到很辛苦，

我都想着我未来的病人，

把当初的梦想与执着找回来，

勇敢的面对。

这周末，

我在想，

我是否有能力呢，

在这里都8个月了，

还是不如以往，

大考就快到了，

我有这个能力吗?

我不知道。

我很怕，

很怕会不及格，

很怕会犯错，

让自己毕不倒业，

更惨的是，

帮不倒别人，

诊断错病人，

导致病人死亡或有后遗症。

我很怕自己像戏里的Andy，

胆怯，

一点自信都没，

只会啃书，

其他都不会。

也许是我想太多了，

也许我给予自己太多的压力了，

我不想再像星期四那样，

差点在众多人面前哭，

不想在众多人面前显出我脆弱的那一面，

不想再次的可悲到需要病人来安慰我。

两个月有61天，

1464小时，

87840分钟，

5270400秒。

最后的冲刺只剩两个月，

两个月内会发生什么事，

什么的变化，

什么的教训，

我不知，

只能做好自己的本分，

做好身为医学生该做的事。

Failure comes like a big slap on your face,

without it,

you will never wake up and realise that,

all these while,

you have been doing things the wrong way.

容祖儿-连续剧

Taming the Tongue...

'主啊，

每次当我经历到负面的事，

我总是太快的作论断，

而每当我应该称谢鼓励别人的时候，

我却往往反应的太慢。

主啊，

求您教导我，

知道何时当开口，

何时当静默，

好让我更多彰显您爱的印记.'

'Dear Lord, 

Every time when I'm faced with bad things,

I judge too quickly.

But when I'm supposed to praise, thanks and encourage others,

I do it too slowly.

Dear Lord,

Please teach me and guide me,

So that I'll know when to open my mouth,

When to keep silent,

So that I'll reflect more of Your love.'

Had a discussion on taming the tongue. I really have to agree that, sometimes, I criticise a lot, especially on the certain someone that annoys me a lot. It reaches a point where I no longer smile at him/her and I ignore him/her every single time. This is just bad. The Lord loves us and forgives us despite our sin and yet, I despise him/her badly.

I need to calm myself down. I need to remind myself constantly on this. Love prevails everything. 

Amen. 

洋葱

参加了朋友的生日会，
友人告诉我，
'你真的一点都不会玩.'

我不生气，
也不伤心，
因他说的都是事实，
我真得一点都不会玩，
很让人觉得沉闷的女生。

当时的我很想说，
你知道我为什么会这样吗？
你没经历过我所经历的事，
你有资格说我吗？

也许是我的错，
我天性是个文静的女生。

也许是我不好，
我逃不过往事的阴影。

也许是我不够开放，
我仍然让往事束缚着我，
我仍然放不开我自己，
我仍然把自己锁在一个圈圈里，
不让任何人碰到我。

也许是我小信，
我不让别人靠近我，
我不想要再次允许别人伤害我。

我一直想，
有用吗？

有谁会愿意靠近一身都是保护层的我，
有谁会不介意流下眼泪，
把我的心一层一层的剥开，
有谁会愿意花心思的了解我，
认识我，
与我同友呢？

我不相信这样的人会存在，
所以我保持沉默，
所以我一点都不打算敞开心来。

也许这样的我让别人觉得我很自闭，
很骄傲，
很不会玩，
很不会和别人打交道，
但我已经麻木了，
我已经不懂的如何与人相处了。

我一直想要保护我自己，
到头来，
我把自己变成一个旁观者，
永远只会在旁边看，
不懂得成为被人瞩目的那位。

I am my own worst enemy.

丁当-洋葱

Prayer...

'主啊

我不确定我所遭遇的苦难和病痛

会有怎么样的结果

也不知道是否一切都会如我所预期的

变得豁然开朗

甚至可能会面对更多的疑问

我甚至不知道我所期盼的医治会不会临到

但是主我感谢你因为您应许我

我的救赎主活着

末了比站立在地上

您必定为我预备了

全然超乎我想象的出路

主啊

让我奔向您这位救赎主

我终究必将得到医治.'

'Dear Lord,

I don't know whether whatever suffering and illness I'm facing now will have what sort of outcomes,

I also don't know whether everything will turn out to be as good as I'm expecting.

I might even face with many doubts.

I also don't know whether the treatment I'm longing for will come my way

but I thank You Lord for Your promise.

My savior lives on,

Even when everything is over,

You still stand firmly on the ground.

I'm sure You have prepared a path for me which will exceed all my expectations.

Dear Lord, 

Let me run towards You, my savior,

I know I'll be treated somehow.'

Heard this prayer. A huge comfort to my soul in times like this. I just need to stay strong, poise and optimist. I shall not lose faith. 

Thank You, Lord. 

Amen.  

Head-banging moments...

This is depressing...

When you're the only one who cares for some thing and the rest just look at it as a burden...

How hard can it be to just spare a moment and look at how it is supposed to be done and give me how it's supposed to be done?

If you're not sure or you don't know how, just ask, I don't mind telling you how to do it. 

Stop doing it just for the sake of doing it and let me clear up all the mess. It's killing me.

It's impossible for me to handle both at once and that's why I passed the responsibility to you. At the end, you blamed me for not telling you what to do. I trust your ability and let you make all the decisions, yet, at the end, all the responsibilities come back to me because you don't want to. 

Now, I need to juggle everything with my study and case summary as well and I'm at the verge of crumbling down. I just can't do it. I can't even have a breathing space. Everyone is happily going back to their books and everything and I'm still stuck with all the mess. 

It's even sad when some think that I want to take the credit all by myself and don't want to distribute the present. This is not MY project, I don't want to own everything. I don't want to take all the credit. It's a group work, everything is of group efforts. The hamper is just something extra and the group leader is planning for a gathering to distribute it. Besides, everyone gets the certificate even though not everyone is involved, so stop complaining. 

Yes, I volunteered for the responsibility but I need everyone to be responsible as well. I can't work with people who send me rubbish, I can't work with people whom I asked to do corrections and they ignore my message. How will you feel if you were in my shoes?

No one will know. Everyone is just selfish. Everyone only thinks about themselves and their study. Everyone is the same. 

I can only thank God for those who really came and gave me helping hands. Thanks to those who stayed up with me and finished off everything. Thanks to those who forced me to rest and took the remaining responsibilities. I'm really grateful as others who are in my shoes do not have those who are willing to help. 

I'm not directing this to anyone. I just need a space to vent on before I go crazy. 

Whatever is it, I'm not going to regret taking up this. I'd learned a lot from this and I'd learned a lot from my supervisor. Like Dr said, even if you have to do all this alone, take this as an ownership. You deserve it. I don't want to claim everything as my own. I'm just happy to be a part of the team and happy to have a chance to do this. 

I just hope my efforts are worthwhile. I'm really crossing my fingers on this. 

Generation gap?

Scene 1
Me: I think this short/skirt is a bit too short. Very awkward... Regret buying this...
Mummy: It's not short at all. Looks ok.

Scene 2
Me wearing a cardigan on top of a spaghetti strap dress.
Mummy: Don't need to wear a cardigan lah. The dress looks good just by its own.

Scene 3
4/5 years ago:
Me: I want to stay forever alone.
Mummy: Ok, don't need to find a partner lah. Waste time only. What if you end up with a not-good one? Ruin your life only.
Now:
Me: I want to stay forever alone.
Mummy: Are you serious? You still haven't changed your mind?
Mummy: Your cousin (18 y/o) has a boyfriend. When are you going to get one?
Mummy: Anyone going after you? Why no? They are scared of you, is it?
Mummy: blah blah blah...

HELP!!! I thought mummy should be the conservative one, not the other way round. And I thought no one will ever bug me on the boy-girl-relationship issue...

Generation gap? Haha :S

Taylor Swift ft. The Civil Wars-Safe & Sound