Why is it so hard for me to hide my feelings?
The moment I saw my result, I didn't know how to react. I guess I gave everyone the impression that I failed my test. I wanted to be happy that I passed but somehow I couldn't do it.
All this while, I'd been telling myself that it's not easy to pass and I'd be jumping out of joy if I do passed but after seeing my result, I went blank.
I wanted to pick up the phone and call my parents. Then I realised they are in Hong Kong and there's no way I can talk to them until they come back on the 21st.
I went back to my room and the tears just flowed out. Then my roomie and my friends came back. I tried to put on a strong face and pretend that I'm happy that I passed but I couldn't although I know that I should.
People said I have high expectation for myself. But all I want to do is to try my very best. After the 4 days exams, I realised I wasn't hardworking enough. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't. And I ended up with annoying those who are around me.
'Thou shalt not lie' Maybe I hold too strongly on this phrase and lying becomes something which is difficult for me to do. And it's even harder for me to hide my feelings for long.
Then, I annoyed people by crying when I once got 70+ for Add. Maths. Now I annoyed people by crying when I get a C for my part A exam. Why must it be so hard for me to control the tears? I'd made people angry with me and maybe caused some hatred due to this behaviour of mine. Why must I do it again?
I'm really sorry to my roomie and my friends who spend a lot of time with me. I'm sorry you guys have to put up with this behaviour of mine. I'm sorry that I annoyed you guys with this behaviour of mine. I'm sorry that I made you guys upset. I'm sorry. All I want to do now is to dig a hole and hide myself. I'm really disappointed with myself :(
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Used-to-be...
Started the day by opening my very bengkak eyes. No thanks to the non-stop flowing tears for hours yesterday night while watching a series :( Then, Chu Yee, Cheng Nee and I headed straight to Mid Valley to catch The Princess and The Frog.
Since it's a Disney cartoon, the movie attracted quite a number of children. Throughout the movie, I heard the children talking and laughing. And I couldn't help but to smile. For a while, I did what I didn't like to do by stepping into the time-travel machine and went back to the past.
Back then, I was a girl who doesn't look like one. With an extremely short hair and funny features, people often thought that I was a boy. I didn't like it and I used to cry a lot after the trip to the hairdresser. I used to think that why can't I be as beautiful as my sis. I used to think that why can't I look as a sweet little girl like most of my female classmates. Then, I'd decided, since I can't look like one, I must act like one. I totally ignored the pants and shorts and only wore skirts. I paid attention when I came across articles or books or shows on etiquette. I didn't sit with my legs crossed and I still don't. I ate using fork and spoon even while eating chicken wing and I still do that. I'm only starting to wear pants and shorts since it's weird to walk around the college with skirt. After primary school, I'd never cut my hair above shoulder length. And now, some are saying that I'm like a little princess. After spending a year in matrik and now with all my coursemates, I'm starting to think that I'm a little bit too skema. I guess now I do understand how one's past can change a person...
Back then, I was the girl who never finished her homework. I'd wait and wait and wait and till the last minute, I would start to rush. But with the mountains of homework to be handed in everyday, it'd take a miracle to finish off at the last minute so I always ended up with blank pages on my books. Teachers were annoyed and I was labelled as the useless one, the hopeless one and twice, I got slapped by my teachers in front of everyone. Then I started to have horrible mood swings. I cried everyday in school, came back home and refused to talked with my parents. I could sit there and said nothing for days no matter how much my parents tried to make me to talk. How I ended up with all As is still a wonder to me... After leaving primary school, I was determined to change. And I did exactly the same thing. I never missed any homework and my result became better. By form 4 and 5, I was one of the top in my class. And now, I managed to enter UM despite the strong competitions among all the STPM and matriculation students. Though I never managed to figure out the exact reason of why I had the determination to change, but I never forget to thank God for everything :)
Back then, I was a naive girl. Very naive. And I got myself fooled a lot of times. After all the tears and all, I grew up and become less naive. Till now, Daniel's sms when he knew I was in matrik still makes me smile - 'Ooh, how our wittwe wawy gwew has gwown up'.
Back then, when I was a primary school girl, people often thought that I was a secondary school girl. When I was in secondary school, people thought that I was a primary school girl. Now as a first year university student, people think that I'm a form 1-3 girl. Haha... Oh well, at least I look younger than my age :P
Back then, I was a lost soul. Now I found Him. And that's the turning point in my life :)
Since it's a Disney cartoon, the movie attracted quite a number of children. Throughout the movie, I heard the children talking and laughing. And I couldn't help but to smile. For a while, I did what I didn't like to do by stepping into the time-travel machine and went back to the past.
Back then, I was a girl who doesn't look like one. With an extremely short hair and funny features, people often thought that I was a boy. I didn't like it and I used to cry a lot after the trip to the hairdresser. I used to think that why can't I be as beautiful as my sis. I used to think that why can't I look as a sweet little girl like most of my female classmates. Then, I'd decided, since I can't look like one, I must act like one. I totally ignored the pants and shorts and only wore skirts. I paid attention when I came across articles or books or shows on etiquette. I didn't sit with my legs crossed and I still don't. I ate using fork and spoon even while eating chicken wing and I still do that. I'm only starting to wear pants and shorts since it's weird to walk around the college with skirt. After primary school, I'd never cut my hair above shoulder length. And now, some are saying that I'm like a little princess. After spending a year in matrik and now with all my coursemates, I'm starting to think that I'm a little bit too skema. I guess now I do understand how one's past can change a person...
Back then, I was the girl who never finished her homework. I'd wait and wait and wait and till the last minute, I would start to rush. But with the mountains of homework to be handed in everyday, it'd take a miracle to finish off at the last minute so I always ended up with blank pages on my books. Teachers were annoyed and I was labelled as the useless one, the hopeless one and twice, I got slapped by my teachers in front of everyone. Then I started to have horrible mood swings. I cried everyday in school, came back home and refused to talked with my parents. I could sit there and said nothing for days no matter how much my parents tried to make me to talk. How I ended up with all As is still a wonder to me... After leaving primary school, I was determined to change. And I did exactly the same thing. I never missed any homework and my result became better. By form 4 and 5, I was one of the top in my class. And now, I managed to enter UM despite the strong competitions among all the STPM and matriculation students. Though I never managed to figure out the exact reason of why I had the determination to change, but I never forget to thank God for everything :)
Back then, I was a naive girl. Very naive. And I got myself fooled a lot of times. After all the tears and all, I grew up and become less naive. Till now, Daniel's sms when he knew I was in matrik still makes me smile - 'Ooh, how our wittwe wawy gwew has gwown up'.
Back then, when I was a primary school girl, people often thought that I was a secondary school girl. When I was in secondary school, people thought that I was a primary school girl. Now as a first year university student, people think that I'm a form 1-3 girl. Haha... Oh well, at least I look younger than my age :P
Back then, I was a lost soul. Now I found Him. And that's the turning point in my life :)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Touched...
This is a poem that I found on Naveen's blog and from the moment I read it, I knew there's nothing that can stop me from posting it here.
When I Say
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow
Thank You for everything and truly, there is none like You :)
When I Say
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow
Thank You for everything and truly, there is none like You :)
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Wedding :)
For the first time in my life, I attended a Christian church wedding. And it was truly unforgettable.
The bride is Leng Cheng's friend whom she met when she was teaching at Pulau Ketam Secondary School. I was 'dragged' by Leng Cheng to the wedding ceremony. And I got to thank her for bringing me there. :D
It was held at a church in Klang. Can't remember the name though... For a girl who had never been to this kind of wedding, I was sitting inside the church looking forward for the ceremony. Unlike the normal Chinese wedding ceremony, it was held on time. Nono, not on time, 3 minutes before the planned time. For me, it was indeed a good start.
When the bride and her dad entered the church, all eyes were on her. She was beaming and so as the dad. All the small kids were cute in their white gown and small suits.
It began with praise and worship. Then prayers for the going-to-wed couple. I enjoyed the performance by the choir team. It was truly marvelous. Then the solo performance which also took my breath away.
Then, the moment which we had all been waiting for had arrived. The groom recited all he should say. The bride kind of forgot her lines but thankfully, the pastor was there and helped her with her lines. After that, it was the 'I Do' moment. That moment still makes me giggle even hours after the ceremony. :p
Leng Cheng and I noticed a guy from the groom's family which looks so like Timothy. And he was in charge of taking photos with the exact camera that Timothy uses. And the way he takes photo is also like him. We really had an impulse to take his photo and show it to Ruth but paiseh lah. Later people will think that we got a crush on him. Hehe :p
One thing which keeps on ringing in my head is the benevolent that the Reverend gave. A successful marriage requires one important aspect: Maturity. He said it's the easiest and also the most difficult to achieve. I got to agree with that. Even until now, I'm still not sure whether I'm matured enough to be somebody's girlfriend. I don't want to accept somebody just because everyone around me is in a relationship and I want to be a part of them. I want to be in a stable relationship with somebody who really respect and love me and also a responsible one. And so far, I haven't really fallen head to heels for a guy and ya, there's also the fact that guys really seldom notice me since I'm a little quiet. I guess that's the reason I'm still single. Aiyah, I'm 19 only, not 91. So I guess there's still time, right??? *shrug* Besides, I'm putting everything in His hand. I'm sure He has a plan for me. All I'm doing now is walking on the road that He had planned for me with His constant guidance. I'm really thankful for anything. No matter how life turns out to be, I know He will be there for me :)
Though I had to walk quite some distance with my wedges, I don't mind at all for the wedding was truly a sweet and memorable one :) Thanks Leng Cheng!
The bride is Leng Cheng's friend whom she met when she was teaching at Pulau Ketam Secondary School. I was 'dragged' by Leng Cheng to the wedding ceremony. And I got to thank her for bringing me there. :D
It was held at a church in Klang. Can't remember the name though... For a girl who had never been to this kind of wedding, I was sitting inside the church looking forward for the ceremony. Unlike the normal Chinese wedding ceremony, it was held on time. Nono, not on time, 3 minutes before the planned time. For me, it was indeed a good start.
When the bride and her dad entered the church, all eyes were on her. She was beaming and so as the dad. All the small kids were cute in their white gown and small suits.
It began with praise and worship. Then prayers for the going-to-wed couple. I enjoyed the performance by the choir team. It was truly marvelous. Then the solo performance which also took my breath away.
Then, the moment which we had all been waiting for had arrived. The groom recited all he should say. The bride kind of forgot her lines but thankfully, the pastor was there and helped her with her lines. After that, it was the 'I Do' moment. That moment still makes me giggle even hours after the ceremony. :p
Leng Cheng and I noticed a guy from the groom's family which looks so like Timothy. And he was in charge of taking photos with the exact camera that Timothy uses. And the way he takes photo is also like him. We really had an impulse to take his photo and show it to Ruth but paiseh lah. Later people will think that we got a crush on him. Hehe :p
One thing which keeps on ringing in my head is the benevolent that the Reverend gave. A successful marriage requires one important aspect: Maturity. He said it's the easiest and also the most difficult to achieve. I got to agree with that. Even until now, I'm still not sure whether I'm matured enough to be somebody's girlfriend. I don't want to accept somebody just because everyone around me is in a relationship and I want to be a part of them. I want to be in a stable relationship with somebody who really respect and love me and also a responsible one. And so far, I haven't really fallen head to heels for a guy and ya, there's also the fact that guys really seldom notice me since I'm a little quiet. I guess that's the reason I'm still single. Aiyah, I'm 19 only, not 91. So I guess there's still time, right??? *shrug* Besides, I'm putting everything in His hand. I'm sure He has a plan for me. All I'm doing now is walking on the road that He had planned for me with His constant guidance. I'm really thankful for anything. No matter how life turns out to be, I know He will be there for me :)
Though I had to walk quite some distance with my wedges, I don't mind at all for the wedding was truly a sweet and memorable one :) Thanks Leng Cheng!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Birthday :)
Finally, I'm 19!!!
Oh, wait, should I be happy that I'm older? Hmmm... Oh well...
Should have started the day with a badminton game with my parents but I was too tired to wake up. Kind of slept at 5 am yesterday...
We went to Secret Recipe for my birthday dinner. Besides us, my grandma, my cousin and my aunt's family also joined us. Though 2 kiddos were fighting to blow the candles and cut the cake, it was truly an enjoyable night.
A shout out to my family, thanks for the great night :) And ya, to my friends, thanks for all the birthday wishes. I really appreciate and am really touched :)
Oh, wait, should I be happy that I'm older? Hmmm... Oh well...
Should have started the day with a badminton game with my parents but I was too tired to wake up. Kind of slept at 5 am yesterday...
We went to Secret Recipe for my birthday dinner. Besides us, my grandma, my cousin and my aunt's family also joined us. Though 2 kiddos were fighting to blow the candles and cut the cake, it was truly an enjoyable night.
A shout out to my family, thanks for the great night :) And ya, to my friends, thanks for all the birthday wishes. I really appreciate and am really touched :)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Long lost me...
Ya, I'd been rather cut off from the outside world for the past 5 months. As much as I'm tempted to say that I'm tooooooooooo busy to blog, but somehow deep in my heart, I know it's the lazy worm's fault. Haha...
Since it's the holiday now (only for one pity week to recharge all the energy that I'd lost during the study week and exam week), all I want to do is to sleep and online and watch movies and most of all, pick up all the novels that I didn't have the time and guts to do so for the past 5 months. :(
First coming in to the oldest and top uni in Malaysia, I had fun during the official orientation. All the games and meeting people :) Then, came the orientation with all the medic seniors staring from the 5th year supersenior to the 2nd year senior. And then got myself enrolled in the buddy-line system where your buddy is like your second family in UM and they will guide you in your studies and stuffs... Of course, the attempt of brain-washing by some but from what I'd been through so far, brain-washing me is not something that you can do easily. And ya, racism is a no-no to me.
Picture taken after the buddy-line declaration ceremony...
The sixth college dancers...
Since it's the holiday now (only for one pity week to recharge all the energy that I'd lost during the study week and exam week), all I want to do is to sleep and online and watch movies and most of all, pick up all the novels that I didn't have the time and guts to do so for the past 5 months. :(
First coming in to the oldest and top uni in Malaysia, I had fun during the official orientation. All the games and meeting people :) Then, came the orientation with all the medic seniors staring from the 5th year supersenior to the 2nd year senior. And then got myself enrolled in the buddy-line system where your buddy is like your second family in UM and they will guide you in your studies and stuffs... Of course, the attempt of brain-washing by some but from what I'd been through so far, brain-washing me is not something that you can do easily. And ya, racism is a no-no to me.
Picture taken after the buddy-line declaration ceremony...
With my cute cute co-buddy :P
After the orientation month, it was time for me to catch up with my study. Seriously, I was very very blurr and I failed my quiz. Though I didn't fail all 3 papers and managed to pass physiology but the fact that I failed the other 2 was just too hard for me. I was so sad and I broke down after I told my mum. For the entire day, I locked myself in the room with Snell (anat) in front of me... But luckily I managed to catch up with my studies. Though not as good as the other (seriously, I'm surrounded with tons and tons and genius, and for once, I feel rather insignificant...) I still failed my anat for the next 2 quizzes but overall I passed both the quizzes :) And ya, Nana, A is no longer a priority for me. It's different from last time and I'd accepted the fact.
Later on, I went to an interview as the 6th college magazine committee member. I got it and I'm in charge of creative writing. Then there's the college pesta tanglung which I'm in charge of protocol. That was one of the most interesting that I'd joined so far. I had fun with the mc, Yogesh and Sofiah. And for the first time of my life, I got to wear a cheongsam (thanks Grace) and become the usher :)
The MC, Yogesh and Sofiah, and the ushers, Qi Feng and I...
Oh ya, not forgetting my roomies. One is the ever so talented (cello, guitar, piano... and arts) and smart Ruth, the other is also the ever so talented (singing and dancing) and smart Chu Yee. Chu Yee volunteered as the college dancer and I accidentally got dragged in. So yeah, I'm now the college dancer. Not because I'm good at dancing (I'm BAD at it), it's because they're desperate for people and I was there at the right time =.= My first show was during the Minggu Seni Kreatif. We practiced a lot for the fan dance and thank goodness, nothing went wrong that day and Chu Yee and I really enjoy watching the video :) Next project, Festival Seni UM where we are going to compete with the other colleges (Gulp). Then the Malam Penganugerahan Ibnu Sina where we also have to perform.
The sixth college dancers...
We were also invited by Ruth's father aka Prof Cheng aka our Physiology lecturer to his house for a small gathering among the first-year Christians and a few of our seniors.
Group photo with Ruth's dad and mum...
Not forgetting the labmates that I got here. They are just so fun and cool. Love lab 9:) We even went out for gathering and dinner. Hehe :)
The entire lab 9 minus Ismail (our inside joke. Hehe...)
Dinner and birthday celebration at Chili in 1 u. :)
After all the fun, study week came and it was a real torture. At the end of class, I was so stressed out. All I wanted to do was to escape and ya, I ended up doing exactly the same thing. I packed my bags, took the LRT to KL Central and bought a train ticket back home. Stayed until the end of weekend and went back to college for study week. By that time, I am quite calm already. But seriously, 24 hours is far from enough. Even if I was facing the books for the entire day besides dinner, I couldn't finish. Got headache once in a while due to stress. Then came exam week. It was lagi teruk. I almost went panic and blank in the exam hall. But thanks to Him, I managed to calm myself down and kept on writing. Had headache and I think I had a mild depression. But still thanks to Him, I always managed at the end of the day. Thankfully, the end of exam came :)
Now here I am , at home resting, knowing full well that the result is coming out soon... Just as long as I pass (everyone is also hoping the same thing.), I'll be jumping up and down with joy :) Oh well, I'd tried all I could and I'm leaving the rest to God :) So long :P
Monday, June 22, 2009
New Stage In My Life...
After hibernating for 2 months, I'd been jolted up by my university application result. And, unexpectedly, I got Medic at UM. UM, Medic!!! Oh my, I'm really speechless.
Trust me, nobody expected me to be a medic student due to my height (or the lack of it...). I'm not making this up. My mom's gang (the teachers) didn't believe I can deal with all those bloods and stuffs. Michelle told me people got shocked when she told them about me wanting to be a doctor. I guess I really do look like a scared, tiny, timid little baby girl...
I'll be off this Sunday. Some of my friend also got the same u as me. One of them is Chu Yee!!! I really can't believe it. I still remember my first mentor-mentee meeting. Turned out that besides me, there was one more Chinese. We even shared the same surname!!! Now we are going to the same u!!! Unbelievable...
I'm really thanking God for everything. This is the path that God has chosen for me and I'll walk down this route. I know it'll not be easy but I'm ready to take up the challenge. I know people do tend to look down at us, the matrik students. One said that our 4.00 is like only 3.50 in STPM. The way they put it it's like we took away their opportunity and we do not deserve it. I'm going to put all my efforts and be extra hardworking. I'll never forget Him. I'll make it through the 5 difficult years of studying.
UM, here I come :)
Oh ya, also a big congrats to all my friends who got what they dream of. Congrats!!!
Trust me, nobody expected me to be a medic student due to my height (or the lack of it...). I'm not making this up. My mom's gang (the teachers) didn't believe I can deal with all those bloods and stuffs. Michelle told me people got shocked when she told them about me wanting to be a doctor. I guess I really do look like a scared, tiny, timid little baby girl...
I'll be off this Sunday. Some of my friend also got the same u as me. One of them is Chu Yee!!! I really can't believe it. I still remember my first mentor-mentee meeting. Turned out that besides me, there was one more Chinese. We even shared the same surname!!! Now we are going to the same u!!! Unbelievable...
I'm really thanking God for everything. This is the path that God has chosen for me and I'll walk down this route. I know it'll not be easy but I'm ready to take up the challenge. I know people do tend to look down at us, the matrik students. One said that our 4.00 is like only 3.50 in STPM. The way they put it it's like we took away their opportunity and we do not deserve it. I'm going to put all my efforts and be extra hardworking. I'll never forget Him. I'll make it through the 5 difficult years of studying.
UM, here I come :)
Oh ya, also a big congrats to all my friends who got what they dream of. Congrats!!!
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