Mood Score :)

It's hard to pin point a value for I myself also don't know what's the score.

Now, there're waves of calmness in me. Looking back at the previous posts, I realised I was really troubled by the events happening.

For the past few days, the words of God had been really helpful to me. People asked me to just cry and let everything out but I managed to find all the excuses of not to do so. Too busy, must concentrate, must study, need more rest, don't want to wake up with panda bengkak eyes...

Now I found the most perfect way to feel happy. Just pray and put all my troubles away. It's great to know that He is always there for me, sharing my burden and take away my fear and sadness.

Thanks for listening to my prayers and thank You for always watching me. Though I am not worthy of it but thank You for your love. There's nothing greater that Your love :)

Mood score - Because of You, from low to high :)

Wall...

Attended a fantastic meeting today and it'd kept me thinking until now. Some of the things that the speaker said were like arrows directly pointing towards me and I could actually relate to so many emotions that I have had for all these while.

I guess I'm finally admitting that even after more than a year, there's still a rather thick wall surrounding me. I still haven't really felt like I'm a part of them and I still unconsciously distancing myself from them while wondering what's wrong with me.



It's just sad to see the wall around me even after a year has passed. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough ever since I'd been disappointed by people. I'd learned how to be invisible even if I'm surrounded by lots of people including those whom I'd acquainted with. But I still have a constant fear that people will just take my quietness as a part of me and leave me by myself.



After more than a year, maybe they have accepted the fact that I'm a quiet and passive one. The wall has grown thicker since then. Sometimes when I thought that there's a chance to break it, silence continued and the wall remained till today.



I want to see the wall disappear. I don't want to run away anymore just so that I won't feel left out. It's harder when every time I try to speak, all the sentences seem to disappear into thin air without leaving a single mark at all. I no longer know how to join in a group conversation anymore when all of the sentences will drown in the crowd and no one seems to hear a single thing. I'm at loss of what to do and the only way that I can think of is prayers.



Really pray that one day, the wall will collapse and for once, I can try to be myself.

Thanks for your love, dear God :)

p.s. This is really stupid but I really hope that Tuesday will not come at all :(

Dandelion :)

For a while, I've been lightly holding a dandelion on my hand. Always holding but hiding it. Always holding but denying it. Always holding but ignoring it.

People say: take a dandelion, make a wish, blow it, and your wish will come true.

I do hope that there'll be a day when I can finally blow the dandelion and seeing the wish coming true. But it's very obvious that it is impossible. I'd tried telling myself that there's still some hope but now I realise I'm only lying to myself. It's so obvious but I turned a blind eye.

Now, I don't want to continue to be a foolish girl. I'm finally opening my eyes and admitting that those images are real. I'm no longer pushing all those truths to the back of my head and ignoring them.

I'm putting down the dandelion. And I won't turn back even if I'm tempted to do so. It may hurt a little but I believe time will wash away everything.

I'll get through this with a smile. I believe I can :)

Racism...

Attended cg which was on Merdeka day.
Am currently involved in Countdown Kemerdekaan.

Throughout all these, the one thing that kept coming to my mind is racism.

I grew up in a small town where most people's mentality differ from mine. Both my parents are teacher. When I was young, before entering primary school, whenever there was school holiday, my parents would brought us to Kota Tinggi. There, we would spend days with an Indian family. My parents were very close to them and the family was very nice to us. Although I don't remember much of what we did there but I do remember that we enjoyed our time there.

When I was in kindergarden, thanks to my English-speaking parents, I could converse quite ok in English. Although there were a few kindergardens back home, most of them are mostly Chinese-speaking with a lot of Chinese kids. My parents send me to a kindergarden in a Catholic church where most of the non-Chinese attend. Almost everyone used English there and since my English was ok, I had no problem mixing with the other kids.

When it was time for me to enter primary school, my parents decided that Chinese is important. My dad was from a Chinese school and all of my relatives can only speak Chinese. My mum didn't have a chance to learn Chinese when she was young. Because of these, they send me to Chinese school. Throughout the six years there, I never interacted with people other than Chinese. The only time that I did was during festival seasons where my parents would bring us to their colleagues' open house. Even in school bus, I would not sit with the other races. I no longer spoke English. I used Chinese most of the time, even with my mum whom I used to communicate in English. I was so used to an all-Chinese environment that I didn't have to speak other languages besides Chinese and I didn't make any initiative to mix with the other races.

The moment came when I was going to enter secondary school. My parents didn't want to send me to a Chinese school anymore, especially my mum. She didn't want me to grow up in an all-Chinese environment. As much as Chinese is important, she thinks English is important. Furthermore, my mum doesn't like the mentality of most Chinese. In the end, I entered kebangsaan school. My class was a mixture of Chinese, Malay and Indian and since I was there, I started to mix with them. They also started to talk to me when my mum mentioned our relationship when she first entered our class. Most of my Indians and some of my Malays classmates came from a educated, middle and slightly upper-class family. Thus, they are fluent in English. I started to speak in English and mixed with them. Throughout my 5 years them, conflicts occurred between me and the Chinese. My relationship with the Chinese turned from normal to slightly-sour. There was just so much difference between me and the other Chinese. I found it hard to mix with them anymore. The only Chinese that I was closed to are those English-speaking ones too and most of them are guys. Whenever there was class events, I would be the one of the few Chinese who attend. They were very nice to me. While the Chinese thought that I was proud, fat, ugly, short and whatever else they talked about at my back, the others thought that I was willing to share and teach and they never said that I was fat and ugly. After so long, I truly tasted the sweetness of friendship.

During my one year in matrik, I seldom mixed with Chinese. I felt awkward with them and I didn't know how to communicate with my own race anymore. I was very close with the Malay there. Even they are surprised of how a Chinese girl could mix well with them. I spend a lot of time with them and they were very friendly and nice towards me. I was very happy.

After entering university, things changed. I was once again scared since I knew I don't know how to mix with my own race. When I found out that orientation was race-based, I cried terribly the night before. I didn't know how to and I was really scared that the old wounds from secondary school would open up again. But thankfully, I met some very nice Chinese girls whom I could communicate with and I'm still close to them. I still mix with the other races. I joined the Malay dance where I was the only Chinese. Throughout that period of time, when I was struggling hard with the dance and everything, my dance mates were very supportive. I remembered that particular time when I was lacking behind of the dance, when I no longer felt like I could do it. I seldom smile and there was a day when I just couldn't stop crying. Ana accompanied me in the washroom where I cried like a baby being derived of food and she never stopped encouraged me. The rest of my dance mates cheered for me and helped me with my dance.

Now, I am a second year student here. My very close Chinese friends are still the same group of girls and I still hang around with the other races. Through Minggu Haluansiswa, I had managed to know most of the juniors here and I'm still trying to know the Malay juniors who seldom approach me. I got to know more of my own Malay batch mates and because of the projects I'm involved in, I work with them often too.

But in university, I seldom where baju kurung or kebaya. I don't like how some will point at me and talk about it. Just last Thursday, when I wore a baju kurung, I spend my whole afternoon in Center Point before going to cg because I didn't want to pass by dewan makan where the seniors, batch mates and juniors would be there for lunch. There was also an incident where a batch mate of mine asked me why I seldom mix with the Chinese and spend a lot of time with the Malays.

Every one has their own goodness and their special qualities. One concept that I have is everyone is human and we all are the same. Having a fair skin doesn't mean that you're money-minded; having a hitam-manis skin doesn't mean that you're lazy; having a dark skin doesn't mean that you're poor. No matter what is your skin colour, your hearts and brains are of the same colour, make up of the same components, having almost the same size and have the same functions. Why must we discriminate others and label each other? When I had troubles and problems, they lend me a helping hands. I had gone through a time when the one by my side were the Malays and Indians while some Chinese made my life miserable. I had received complements from the Malays and Indians when some Chinese just couldn't stop criticise by body shape and my apparent lack of beauty.

Please don't misunderstand me. It's not that I dislike the Chinese, I just find it hard to be myself and talk to them after the incidents back then. I do appreciate the friendship that I have with some of the Chinese here (you know who you are and I'm really thankful and happy have you as my friends). I just pray that people will put aside the mentality and perceptions about the other races and try to look inside the hearts. Everyone has their own good qualities and everyone can learn from each other. I just pray that there'll be a time where everyone will stand up for each other and help each other instead of creating more issues on racism. All I want is tolerance in everyone of us and the ability to accept the differences among us and friendship among all of us. I just hope and pray that there'll be a time when I will feel ease and comfortable with my own race as well.

Happy birthday to the wonderful Malaysia in 2 days time :)

Lost...

Putting a smile when you know that you just want to hide in a corner to cry is just so difficult. And that's why I'm putting down my pbl work and my studies to write this. If not, all the emotions just get pile up inside me and it just makes me feel worst.

It's funny how stuffs can happen suddenly without you knowing it. And it's even worst when all you know is the effects of the thing but not the cause.

I just don't understand how things will lead to this point when I can't even see the pathway to this point. Is it something that I did? But I'm just extremely sure that I didn't do anything at all. Nobody is sure of what had happened and those who know are turning their back on me. Even though it's really hurting but what else can I do but to let go of those? It's their decision to do so and I can't say anything much to change their mind.

I just don't understand how such a big issue can happen behind my back and I only get to know about it later. How long had I been a fool in front of all of them? How long had it happened? And most importantly, what had actually happened and what did I do to you?

People are telling me that they are ok already but how can you know that for sure? I'd been spending all my life facing people who smile at me and laugh with me but deep down, cursing me. I can no longer trust their smile anymore no matter how friendly it seems.

Despite of what had happened, I did get to appreciate the things that I'd have and always taken granted of.

Good friends are those who are with you when you hit really low and when you're on the verge of breaking down. To be honest, I never really have many friends that I could really talk to and when times got really bad, I used to lock myself in the bedroom and just cried in there. I couldn't even talk to my parents for they really thought that I should just forget everything and concentrate on my study. Thankfully, God was there for me and I made it through most of the time. Coming to this place doing this course is a blessing to me. I'd made friends with those whom I'll never expect that I'll be close to. All I did was run to their room and started crying while telling them of the problems. Thank you for putting down your books and spending your whole night with me. I really appreciate it :)

God is just great. People said that I'm strong for being able to go through the tough times in secondary school but I have to say that I'm not. I'm weak but He is always there for me whenever I stumble and fall. I spend my whole yesterday night on bed praying to God and told Him of the problems. I never thought of stopping the tears from flowing down for I'm going to Him as my vulnerable self and I don't want to act like a tough girl in front of Him for He knows me better than I even know myself. I'm still feeling lost and sad but I know that I'll be able to get through this with His help. And I'm thankful that when everyone turned their back, one stood with me firmly and nothing could change his/her stand. Though I'm still feeling down but I trust that with His help, I'll be back to a more cheerful me within a couple of days.

For now, I'm still doing what I'd been doing throughout today which is staring at the laptop while thinking of what had happened. Sometimes, I'd start to cry in front of the laptop. Just give me a few more days and I promise I'll be fine again...

Just For Fun :)

So, I kena tagged by an old and dear friend of mine. And since it's only the second week of class and I feel like doing something just for the fun of it, here I am answering all these questions :)

~~~~~~~FOODOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Hmmm... It's weird but I prefer the flavoured yogurt. It's yummy with the fruits :D
2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Anywhere comfy.
3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Chocolate!!!
4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Cheese and cheese and more cheese with fish sticks.
5. What do you like to put on your toast?
Kaya. My favourite :)

~~~~~~~TECHNOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. How many televisions are there in your house?
Two. One in the living room and another small and ancient one in my parents' room.
2. The color of your cell phone?
Black and gold.
3. How long would it take you to look up who invented the Rubber Band?
Just a few seconds. I can just google it up.
4. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has?
Don't have a clue.

~~~~~~~BIOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.
2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Nope...
3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
7 quite heavy boxes of buddy stuffs from the ground floor up to my room on the first floor. Phew...
4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Nope...

~~~~~~~CRAZYOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Ermmm... Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. It's best to just leave it in His hands.
2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I'm quite ok with my names (though you can come up with all sorts of nicknames with it.)
3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Ermmm... I think I'll ask my mum to take my place. Hehe :P

~~~~~~~DUMBOLOGY~~~~~~
1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One. Yup. One. I so adore and love pumps :)
2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Last year when my uncle drove me back to um.
3. Last person you talked to??
Syud. My lab mate and neighbour.
4. Last person you hugged?
My mum!!! :D

~~~~~~~FAVORITOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Season?
Spring!!! I want to run in a field of flowers :D
2. Holiday?
Europe.
3. Day of the week?
Ermmm... Sunday :D
4. Month?
December. Since I'm a December baby.

~~~~~~~CURRENTOLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Missing someone?
My parents...
2. Mood?
Light and easy :D
3. What are you listening to?
Mix fm.
4. Watching?
Not watching anything at the moment.

~~~~~~~RANDOMOLOGY~~~~~~
1. First place you went this morning?
Washroom.
2. What's the last movie you saw?
The A Team.
3. Do you smile often?
Depends on my moods.

~~~~~~~OTHER-OLOGY~~~~~~~
1. Do you always answer your phone?
Yup. Unless I'm in class.
2. It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Maybe just some sms promoting something.
3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Blue!!!.
4. Do you own a digital camera?
Currently no.
5. Have you ever had a pet fish?
Nope.
6. Favorite Christmas song(s)
Can't really pinpoint one...
7. What's on your wish list for your birthday?
A birthday dinner/lunch with all my friends. Never really experienced this since everybody will be elsewhere during December.
8. Can you do push ups?
Gosh. I'd rather do senam seni :P
9. Can you do a chin up?
Ya... Right...
10. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Definitely both.
11. Do you have any saved texts?
Of course :)
12. Ever been in a car wreck?
Nope. Thank God :)
13. Do you have an accent?
Nope.
14. What is the last song which made you cry?
Never Knew I Needed - Ne-Yo. It's so sweet!!! And it was some time around study week.
15. What are your plans for tonight?
Study...
16. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yeah. I hit real low too. Thank God I managed to climb back up :)
17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday
Nothing.
18. Have you ever been given roses?
Haha... Nope.
19. Current worry?
whether I'll manage to pass my phase II exam...
20. Current hate right now?
Not a single one :)
21. Met someone who changed your life?
Yup!
22. How will you bring in the New Year?
Pray that I'll not stray and will always be at the right path that He had planned for me :)
23. What song represents you?
Can't really think of one...
24. Name three people who might complete this?
Chu Yee, Cheng Nee and Junie.
25. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Maybe...
26. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Haha... Never been in a relationship before.
27. Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Nope.
28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Haha... I wonder how a guy will show up suddenly within this 4 months. Haha...
29. Does anyone love you?
What a question. Of course my parents love me :)
30. Ever had someone sing to you?
Can I wish for that? Haha...
31. When did you last cry?
2 weeks ago.
32. Do you like to cuddle?
Yes!!! :D
33. Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.
34. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Musics on Light and Easy (all thanks to my parents...)
35. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
A mix of both :)
36. Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes!!! Love fruit juice :)

That's it. If you want to do this, please do :)

True Colours...

Before the end of first year, I heard so much about Glee. Ruth is really into it and 'Defying Gravity' was constantly on when she was on her laptop. Ana loves it and I'm sure 'Lean On Me' is one of her favourites. Well, since it's a musical (who doesn't love music???) and there are lots of rave reviews so I was thinking why not just give it a go. And guess what? I'm officially a Gleek now! The only downfall is that I lost my voice completely due to a cold so I can't get to sing along...

I was away during the weekend for the second leadership camp for the pembantu mahasiswa in preparation for the upcoming Minggu Haluansiswa (can't wait to meet the juniors!!!) One thing you should know is that I'd never really been to any kind of camps. The leadership camp for librarian was mostly consist of ceramah and ceramah. My school was not really that active in ko-ku so I seldom got a chance to be involved in camping and outdoor activities.

One look at the timetable and I noticed we got rempuh halangan and a trip to Amberstone Camp for jungle trekking and all sorts of outdoor activities. I didn't know what to expect. Fear, anticipation, excitement... all the feelings were bubbled inside the little me.

People often view crying as a sign of weakness and I totally oppose to this ridiculous mindset. I have to admit, I cried almost throughout the rempuh halangan course. Everyone has their own way of expressing and releasing their fears and mine is through tears. If I forced myself not to cry that night, I doubted I would have the courage to go through all the halangan. Crying is the way for me to release all my fears and provide me the courage that I need. One asked me: What is it exactly that I was afraid of. Then I asked myself back the same question. What? I guess it's because I'd never had to jump down from a high place before, or is it because a friend told me that she'd tried it before and warned me that no matter how low you crawl, your back will still touch the thorns and it'll be extremely painful, or is it because being a vertically-disabled girl, the pools that I'd experienced would always reach my shoulder level and I couldn't wipe off the drowning scenes off my head? I was part of a group and I knew no matter how scared I was, I had to cry out all the fears and worries and conquer it. And all the appreciation to my teammates who waited for me and cheered for me :)

Through the outdoor activities and jungle trekking, I realised I have a tendency to hold somebody's hand when the roads were rough or slippery to walk for I was afraid of slipping or falling. And there'd be someone who was willing to lend me a hand. I can't stop to think, do I really need this? Can't I brave through the rough roads without having someone to give me a hand? Life's journey is long and I'm no longer that naive to think that there'll always someone with me throughout this. There'll be time when I'll be alone. After so many years of cold treatment and isolation by my own race, I thought I'm used to alone already. But even during the roughest time, God was so wonderful that He always place someone call 'friend' who is more than willing to lend me a shoulder to cry on. I may not have tons and millions of good friends that everyone seems to have but the friends that I have now are those who had and still touch my heart in a special way that it's hard for me to forget. When I'm alone, I know I will find a way to walk through the rough roads even if it means slipping and falling and bruising myself since I have to get to the destination one way or another. But here I have to thanks to all the helping hands that were given to me even I didn't ask for it :)

The only regret that I had was throwing a tantrum at my mum when she stopped by to collect my stuffs. I was so disappointed with myself and I really felt so useless at that moment. It all started during LDK session when we were assigned to draw a flag, list down some Kadazan words and come out with a song based on the Kadazan's culture. Immediately, I volunteered myself to help out giving the songs a lyric. All the creative juices were flowing in my head and I was so excited to express all that I could think of. After settling for a song, we started with the lyrics. That's when I became so down. There were 2 girls who was so full of confident singing while thinking of lyrics. At that moment, I realised that whatever idea that I wanted to present must be in the form of singing and my confidence just crashed from the top level right down to the basement. Every time I tried to sing, my tongues were tied up that I couldn't sing at all. I remained quiet and I felt so useless. Singing in front of people is just something that I'm terrified of after constantly being laughed by people of my inability to sing. My confidence was so low and my mood went down so low that I was so frustrated with the constant phone calls and sms from my mum. The phone couldn't stop vibrating and I couldn't do anything since the activity was still going on. I got extremely annoyed and thus, the quarrel. I'm sorry.

It's true, I have a confidence issue. And it's even worst when it involves singing even though I love music. I can't sing properly, I can't play an instrument properly and sometimes I just wish my marks in piano theory truly reflects my ability in music but that's just a joke since everybody knows piano theory is as easy as pie. You don't need to be extremely good in music to score a 100 and that's something that everyone who took the test before knows.

When will I ever gain back the confidence that was taken brutally away from me since entering primary school and let my true colours shine through?

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realise
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small