I have been feeling this for a while now and somehow, I can't seem to shake it off me.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I haven't done my very best and haven't given all in. Dancing is not easy for me. Especially when it comes to Malay traditional dance which all the small details count. You have to bend low so as to make your bottom stand out. You have to swing your hands and your head gracefully. Everybody must bend so everyone looks equally tall. Even all the movements have to be very synchronised.
I missed one very important practice where the trainer polished our movements. After that night, everyone improved a lot. Since I wasn't there, I really felt left out. I'd tried to catch up but it's hard.
Now, with the competition just 3 weeks ahead, I'm feeling the fear even more and guilt is lingering around. All of them are good. I don't want to be part of the reason that cause us not to get any placing. My trainer is worried and I'm feeling bad. Every time when it comes to training for tarian asli, I'll feel the stress...
I really need to make a point to practice well. Plus, studying for at least 4 hours per day even if it means that I need to sleep at 3 or 4 am everyday. I don't want to fail my exam :( Just pray that I can manage all these...
P.S. Something happened this morning and I just can't stop thinking about it. I know I look like a very serious girl but the last thing that I want is a friend who thinks that I am indeed a serious girl. The you-can't-joke-with girl, the very-easily-offended girl, the no-fun girl. Honestly, I don't mind people teasing me as long as I know that they are just joking. 2 of my very close guy friends LOVE to tease me *cough* Saren and Daniel *cough* and they actually make me laugh :) No matter what, they are there when I need any advices or helps or friend. (: Chu Yee also likes to tease me but the bond between us is still strong. My evil twin, Ana seems to be born to tease me and sometimes, Ruth joins in as well but the twin thingy is still going on.
Sorry for making you feel bad. I didn't know that you actually think that I was offended. I didn't mean it. Sorry :(
Friday, February 26, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Passion...
Last Thursday, there was a motivation talk. As a goody good girl (sigh...) who never fails to attend every single class, I dragged myself to the talk. And guess what, I'm rather glad that I did so.
The talk was amazing. Instead of lengthy speech of how you should this or that or this or that, videos were shown and they were amazing especially the one on Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. We saw how the children were so determined to get into the academy. We saw how they said 'I CAN get in!' instead of 'I MAY get in.' We saw how they struggled at a young age and yet their love towards education never died off. Just a look in their eyes and one could see a big flame of passion burning in them. Nothing could stop them and nothing could put off the flame in them.
To think of myself, the flame is still burning in me but the lazy bugs are surrounding it and sadly to say, I succumb to them too much. I love what I'm doing now, I love being a medical student, I love studying medicine. It's been everything that I wish for and now that I got it, I start to slack a bit. Guilt is haunting me everyday especially after result is out. I'm starting to not believe in myself especially knowing that I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are way smarter than me. The confidence in exam that I used to have is gone. The confidence in study that I used to have is also gone. I feel insecure day by day and I'm terrified of the thought of failing my exam. I'm starting to blame dancing for everything though knowing that it's not that. It's just ME.
Now, no more lazy bugs. I want that passion and I know I have it in me. I want to try my very best and be the hardworking girl that I used to be. I want to gain back my confidence. I want to pass my exam. Most of all, I want to graduate with a MBBS degree and embark on a lifelong journey dealing with people. I don't know what to expect but I know He'll be there to watch over me and guide me. Thank You Lord for everything :)
The talk was amazing. Instead of lengthy speech of how you should this or that or this or that, videos were shown and they were amazing especially the one on Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. We saw how the children were so determined to get into the academy. We saw how they said 'I CAN get in!' instead of 'I MAY get in.' We saw how they struggled at a young age and yet their love towards education never died off. Just a look in their eyes and one could see a big flame of passion burning in them. Nothing could stop them and nothing could put off the flame in them.
To think of myself, the flame is still burning in me but the lazy bugs are surrounding it and sadly to say, I succumb to them too much. I love what I'm doing now, I love being a medical student, I love studying medicine. It's been everything that I wish for and now that I got it, I start to slack a bit. Guilt is haunting me everyday especially after result is out. I'm starting to not believe in myself especially knowing that I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are way smarter than me. The confidence in exam that I used to have is gone. The confidence in study that I used to have is also gone. I feel insecure day by day and I'm terrified of the thought of failing my exam. I'm starting to blame dancing for everything though knowing that it's not that. It's just ME.
Now, no more lazy bugs. I want that passion and I know I have it in me. I want to try my very best and be the hardworking girl that I used to be. I want to gain back my confidence. I want to pass my exam. Most of all, I want to graduate with a MBBS degree and embark on a lifelong journey dealing with people. I don't know what to expect but I know He'll be there to watch over me and guide me. Thank You Lord for everything :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Me and My Books :)
Went book-shopping with Cheng Nee last Friday :) After all the tiring days and dances and late-night studying, I just couldn't wait to go out and get some books. Even the slight headache I experienced didn't have the ability to stop me from heading to bookxcess. :P
The moment I set my eyes on all the books, all my troubles just seemed so far away. And for once in a week or two time, I felt happy and I couldn't stop smiling like a little girl who is deeply in love. Since I'm still single, I can announce without guilt that book is my first and current love :D
Oh wait, I think I sound like a bimbo =.=" Nevertheless, I went round and round and round the shop for more than an hour and in the end, I settled with 10 books. All these (plus one of Cheng Nee's book) cost me RM150++. Hmmm... Not bad...
Thanks Cheng Nee for accompanying me :) Will treat you one of my favourite chocolate cake once I get my hand on it :)
Am heading to Kajang this Friday, which means tomorrow, which also means bye bye home :(
Am going book-shopping this Saturday again!!! Can't wait. I got a long list of books to buy. :P
Am attending my cousin's wedding dinner in Kajang this Saturday night.
Am attending my cousin's wedding ceremony on Sunday morning.
Then, I'm bidding farewell to Kajang and back to UM after the wedding ceremony :(
Current mode: Study. Can't afford and don't want to fail my quiz...
The moment I set my eyes on all the books, all my troubles just seemed so far away. And for once in a week or two time, I felt happy and I couldn't stop smiling like a little girl who is deeply in love. Since I'm still single, I can announce without guilt that book is my first and current love :D
Oh wait, I think I sound like a bimbo =.=" Nevertheless, I went round and round and round the shop for more than an hour and in the end, I settled with 10 books. All these (plus one of Cheng Nee's book) cost me RM150++. Hmmm... Not bad...
Thanks Cheng Nee for accompanying me :) Will treat you one of my favourite chocolate cake once I get my hand on it :)
Am heading to Kajang this Friday, which means tomorrow, which also means bye bye home :(
Am going book-shopping this Saturday again!!! Can't wait. I got a long list of books to buy. :P
Am attending my cousin's wedding dinner in Kajang this Saturday night.
Am attending my cousin's wedding ceremony on Sunday morning.
Then, I'm bidding farewell to Kajang and back to UM after the wedding ceremony :(
Current mode: Study. Can't afford and don't want to fail my quiz...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Lost and Found...
Have you ever been stranded in a place for 5 hours? Have you ever been so close to getting something but you missed it in a fraction of time?
That was what happened to me this morning. Due to some miscommunication, I thought I was supposed to wait at the hospital bus stop. Because of that, I kept on waiting for my friend even though the bus and taxis came. I never stopped waiting. About 35 minutes before departure time, I called up my friend then only I realised I was supposed to wait at KL Central. I rushed and rushed and rushed and by the time I reached there, the train just left the station. If only I reached there a few more seconds earlier...
The disappoinment was too great. I ran inside the washroom and cried there. I was so close to home yet I missed it. I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I called my mum and told her about it.
After I calmed myself down, I went out and bought the afternoon ticket back. Then I sat at the departure hall and started counting down the time. Constanzo was wide opened on my lap but I couldn't pay much attention to it. Most of time, I would be staring at a spot and lost in my own thought. Then I brought myself back out of the dreamland and focus on Costanzo. But it's harder than I thought. I was really lost at that time.
I was so tired and it became worst after I cried. Throughout that 5 hours, I was struggling to stay awake. Each time that my eyes were going to close, I'd take out the earphone and listen to music. At that moment, I really wished somebody was there with me so that I can rest without worries. But it was really too much to wish for. So I kept on forcing my eyes to stay wide.
Finally, 2 pm came and the train reached on time and finally, I could take a short nap. Thank goodness I'm a light sleeper (didn't realise that till Ruth told me). If not, I would have to force myself to stay awake again so that I won't miss Tampin station.
Home. At last I reached here at 4.20 pm. This is the first time that the train arrived early. Thank God for it. All this while I'd taken granted of it but not now. I'm going to appreciate every moment that I can spend here and come back more often. To those who have the luxury to go back often, do appreciate it. It's the place that you can run to in times of trouble. It's the place that will welcome you with open arms though you feel like everyone is against you. It's the place that you'll feel safe even though you're living in a dangerous world. It's the only space that will not reject you.
Home sweet home :)
That was what happened to me this morning. Due to some miscommunication, I thought I was supposed to wait at the hospital bus stop. Because of that, I kept on waiting for my friend even though the bus and taxis came. I never stopped waiting. About 35 minutes before departure time, I called up my friend then only I realised I was supposed to wait at KL Central. I rushed and rushed and rushed and by the time I reached there, the train just left the station. If only I reached there a few more seconds earlier...
The disappoinment was too great. I ran inside the washroom and cried there. I was so close to home yet I missed it. I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I called my mum and told her about it.
After I calmed myself down, I went out and bought the afternoon ticket back. Then I sat at the departure hall and started counting down the time. Constanzo was wide opened on my lap but I couldn't pay much attention to it. Most of time, I would be staring at a spot and lost in my own thought. Then I brought myself back out of the dreamland and focus on Costanzo. But it's harder than I thought. I was really lost at that time.
I was so tired and it became worst after I cried. Throughout that 5 hours, I was struggling to stay awake. Each time that my eyes were going to close, I'd take out the earphone and listen to music. At that moment, I really wished somebody was there with me so that I can rest without worries. But it was really too much to wish for. So I kept on forcing my eyes to stay wide.
Finally, 2 pm came and the train reached on time and finally, I could take a short nap. Thank goodness I'm a light sleeper (didn't realise that till Ruth told me). If not, I would have to force myself to stay awake again so that I won't miss Tampin station.
Home. At last I reached here at 4.20 pm. This is the first time that the train arrived early. Thank God for it. All this while I'd taken granted of it but not now. I'm going to appreciate every moment that I can spend here and come back more often. To those who have the luxury to go back often, do appreciate it. It's the place that you can run to in times of trouble. It's the place that will welcome you with open arms though you feel like everyone is against you. It's the place that you'll feel safe even though you're living in a dangerous world. It's the only space that will not reject you.
Home sweet home :)
Friday, January 22, 2010
1 More Day to Home...
It's 3.14 am and I still can't sleep though my head is pounding slightly. Guess it's the fact that I'd slept from 7 pm till 1am...
Post-MPIS exhaustion? Maybe. Or can I blame it on the hormones which go haywire every once in a month? And the loss of some iron which reduces oxygen carrying capacity? Hmmm...
For the first time in my life, I almost fainted and thank goodness I had the sense to admit that I didn't have the ability and the strength to continue practicing the dance for today.
My battery level is going down down and down and the emergency alarm is going to ring soon. I just can't wait to get home to recharge myself.
There's just no place like home :)
Post-MPIS exhaustion? Maybe. Or can I blame it on the hormones which go haywire every once in a month? And the loss of some iron which reduces oxygen carrying capacity? Hmmm...
For the first time in my life, I almost fainted and thank goodness I had the sense to admit that I didn't have the ability and the strength to continue practicing the dance for today.
My battery level is going down down and down and the emergency alarm is going to ring soon. I just can't wait to get home to recharge myself.
There's just no place like home :)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Home...
I'm really starting to miss home...
My mum stopped by this afternoon and I'd been looking forward for it. But guess what? The gate that my mum normally used was locked and she couldn't get in. There's still another way but I can't afford her to walk all the way up just to pass me some stuffs so I had to meet her with a locked gate in between us. She passed me the things and she left. At that moment, I really wanted to cry and the thought of home really hit me.
Normally, I would get a hug before she left but because of the locked gate, I couldn't. Normally, I would get to talk to her more but because of the locked gate, I couldn't since I can't expect her to stand there for a long time. I was planning to show her the cheongsam I bought but I couldn't. With the locked gate, I feel like I'm in a big prison and I'm locked away from the one thing which is really important to me.
Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
My mum stopped by this afternoon and I'd been looking forward for it. But guess what? The gate that my mum normally used was locked and she couldn't get in. There's still another way but I can't afford her to walk all the way up just to pass me some stuffs so I had to meet her with a locked gate in between us. She passed me the things and she left. At that moment, I really wanted to cry and the thought of home really hit me.
Normally, I would get a hug before she left but because of the locked gate, I couldn't. Normally, I would get to talk to her more but because of the locked gate, I couldn't since I can't expect her to stand there for a long time. I was planning to show her the cheongsam I bought but I couldn't. With the locked gate, I feel like I'm in a big prison and I'm locked away from the one thing which is really important to me.
A few more days to go before the holiday. I'm counting down every minutes. Last time, I used to laugh at my friend for calling her mum everyday. Now, I'm the girl who has to call her mum everyday. It has been going since study week and Zura, sorry for laughing at you although you didn't know that I was laughing at you. I didn't know how important it is till now.
Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tired...
It has been a tiring month. 2 shows which I have to perform. 3 dances going on in my head. Another dance coming very very very soon. In fact, we are starting to practice stretching for the another dance. My legs are tired now, my mind is also exhausted. All these lead to weight-losing (dancing is indeed a very good exercise) which is one of the only consolation that I can be happy of.
I'm rather tempted to say that I am very very very busy and I have a very hectic schedule but somehow, I know it's really wrong to say that. Yes, everyday I got class till 4.30 pm. Then dance practice at night. Now with the mpis coming up, I got dance practice in the evening and mpis rehearsal at night. And the rehearsal is rather frustrating. For a 5 minutes dance, I'd normally wait for hours before the people actually come and start the rehearsal. Sigh... For 2 days, Ruth, Ana and I went to Secret Recipe and stayed there to study until 4 am. The downside - tired and sleepy during lecture.
Many times, I really want to say that I'm busy so that I can get away with everything. The thing is, I was the one who got myself involved in these. I volunteered to be involved in these. Nobody forced me to do so. When I looked around my course mates, some are involved in more things than I do. Despite this, they still managed their activities well and at the same time, getting good result. I have to admit that I really do admire them for being so multi-talented and all. Besides, it's not like I'm not having fun at all. Dancing is really fun though I'm still a slow learner. So what if I'm dancing tarian asli and inang and learning zapin at the same time? I enjoy myself very much and don't try to look at me with that kind of look. So what if I'm a Chinese? There's nothing wrong with me learning other races culture and I can tell you one thing - the Malay dances are very graceful :)
No more using busy as an excuse, I ask for the responsibilities and I'm doing all I could to manage everything properly without putting my study aside. Ya, I'm rather worried about my studies but I just pray that I'll manage it. Now, any time when I'm free, if I'm not sleeping due to exhaustion, I'll be studying. Waiting for my second quiz and see how I'll score. Just hope it won't be too bad (crossing my fingers) And I'm really thankful to God who has been looking out for me and giving me the strength and comfort when I need them. Thank You :)
P.S. Passed by the hospital after dapao-ing from Secret Recipe and I saw 2 hospital people pushing a bed with the blanket covering it. Then I saw some people following it while crying. It kind of just hit me that life is short. There's no way to know when you're leaving this earth. All I want to do now is to life it to the fullest, explore many things that I wanted to but didn't have the time (like dancing and sports), serve Him while I'm here and still manage to pass my exam in 5 years time so that I can really fulfill my dream despite knowing the hardship of being a doctor.
I'm rather tempted to say that I am very very very busy and I have a very hectic schedule but somehow, I know it's really wrong to say that. Yes, everyday I got class till 4.30 pm. Then dance practice at night. Now with the mpis coming up, I got dance practice in the evening and mpis rehearsal at night. And the rehearsal is rather frustrating. For a 5 minutes dance, I'd normally wait for hours before the people actually come and start the rehearsal. Sigh... For 2 days, Ruth, Ana and I went to Secret Recipe and stayed there to study until 4 am. The downside - tired and sleepy during lecture.
Many times, I really want to say that I'm busy so that I can get away with everything. The thing is, I was the one who got myself involved in these. I volunteered to be involved in these. Nobody forced me to do so. When I looked around my course mates, some are involved in more things than I do. Despite this, they still managed their activities well and at the same time, getting good result. I have to admit that I really do admire them for being so multi-talented and all. Besides, it's not like I'm not having fun at all. Dancing is really fun though I'm still a slow learner. So what if I'm dancing tarian asli and inang and learning zapin at the same time? I enjoy myself very much and don't try to look at me with that kind of look. So what if I'm a Chinese? There's nothing wrong with me learning other races culture and I can tell you one thing - the Malay dances are very graceful :)
No more using busy as an excuse, I ask for the responsibilities and I'm doing all I could to manage everything properly without putting my study aside. Ya, I'm rather worried about my studies but I just pray that I'll manage it. Now, any time when I'm free, if I'm not sleeping due to exhaustion, I'll be studying. Waiting for my second quiz and see how I'll score. Just hope it won't be too bad (crossing my fingers) And I'm really thankful to God who has been looking out for me and giving me the strength and comfort when I need them. Thank You :)
P.S. Passed by the hospital after dapao-ing from Secret Recipe and I saw 2 hospital people pushing a bed with the blanket covering it. Then I saw some people following it while crying. It kind of just hit me that life is short. There's no way to know when you're leaving this earth. All I want to do now is to life it to the fullest, explore many things that I wanted to but didn't have the time (like dancing and sports), serve Him while I'm here and still manage to pass my exam in 5 years time so that I can really fulfill my dream despite knowing the hardship of being a doctor.
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