8 :)

What a week. What a tiring week. What an amazing week. What a wonderful week.

Dance competition is finally over. All my worries (at least those related to dancing) are gone. But somehow, I miss dancing a lot. I thought I will feel relieve but after everything is over, I realise how much I love dancing and I'm seriously missing it. I don't even dare to play the music which once gave me a lot of stress for I'm really afraid that I'll start to cry. What a crying baby...

This whole dancing thing really made me realise how weak I am and how I need to depend on Him. I remember 2 or 3 weeks before the competition, everyone was catching up and I was lacking behind. I remember how my trainer was frowning trying to think of ways to make me as good as them. I remember how my team mates kept on practicing with me trying to make sure I'm the same level as them.

Of course, there was lots of tears involved. I remember the first time I broke down because of dancing. I remember it was Chooi Lin's birthday. I remember how I was very disappointed with myself for not being able to catch up. The moment I entered the room, I started crying. The second time was the day I started having cramps. I remember it was the same day as the physio treasure hunt meeting. I remember how I endured the pain since evening. After the creative dance around 10 something, I went on doing the traditional dance in front of a fifth year senior. With the pain after the dance and her comments on me, I couldn't help but broke down. The third time was during the practice with Ana helping me. I couldn't help but feeling disappointed with myself again and I broke down once again.

I was weak and I couldn't stop praying. The thought of quiting came to me but I couldn't bear to leave them cleaning up the mess that I'd made. A week before the competition, everything seemed bleak. I screwed up the showcase as well. I improved a little but still far from them and all I could do is to pray even thought it really seemed impossible. I even started to wonder. But thanks to His unfailing love, I made it. I remember a day before the competition when my trainer told me that he no longer noticed me when I dance since I was finally the same level as them. I got a shock since I didn't notice any difference. Seeing the smile on both Abang Din and Abang Zerul face and the claps that I got from my team mates, I couldn't help but smile and thanking God for everything.

It was a week when I really feel Him holding my hands and make things which seemed impossible possible. I always have stage fright and I thought I would freak out on stage especially a big stage like DTC with lots of people watching us. Sarah, Marcella and I never forget to hold hands and prayed before going on the stage. The moment I was on stage, surprisingly, I was transformed into another world and I felt myself living in the music, swaying along with the music, smiling along when dancing and all the right moods were there. After the dance, I couldn't help and but to thanks Him once again for everything.

Creative dance was the most emotional one. Our trainer told us that this dance is very personal to him because this is the first time he's doing the dance based on his ethnic group. It's something that he has never tried before and it's something that he was afraid to do so. I remember everyone in a circle with our eyes closed. When he started to cry, we cried too. All of us. It made us even more determined to do our best. When everything was over, our trainer came to us and thanked us for making the dance wonderful. Though we only got 5th, but he was satisfied.

The next day before going to cg, I made a mistake of switching on the laptop and facebooking. I saw my trainer's status on how he's proud of us. I saw my team mates' status and all the memories just flooded through my mind. This time, I couldn't stop crying. All the memories just came to me and I realised how much I miss it. When I went to cg, during the praise and worship, I thought of how God had helped me a lot throughout the week and I couldn't stop crying again. It was really paiseh, I know, but I just couldn't help it. Qin Zhi's sharing was also very touching because it was something that I went through that week and it really spoke right through my heart. All you need to do is to open your heart and pray and somehow even though things seem impossible, it'll always work out at the end. Thank goodness my mood was elevated after the ice breaking session so the tears didn't drop once again. If not, I can't imagine myself crying while he's sharing...

All praises to Him. Without Him providing me the strength and guidance, I couldn't have made it. Applause to Him and all thanks to Him. Thanks for never letting me go. Thanks :)

Again...

Maybe I should just seal my mouth and don't speak at all. Funny how all the wrong words always come out at the very wrong time and to the wrong person... And all I can do now is pretend that nothing has happened, which I hope will not be too difficult...

The competition is next week. For these past few days, I'd been falling asleep on the table while studying without me realising it. I'm really feeling guilty since I'm lacking behind and I seriously need a lot of catching up. People have been telling me not to worry and not to stress myself out since they think I can manage through but I have no confident. Sleeping at 1 something makes me feel really guilty and I no longer feel happy and smile.

Cfcs report, titas assignment, anatomy prosection and sdl, physiology and biochem... I just pray that I'll be able to manage thorugh it. After the dance competition, I'm definitely spending my hours reading and reading and reading. No more succumbing to the sleeping bug. Hopefully I can stick to this.

Anyway...

A question was presented to me and I didn't know how to answer. It's something that I force it to a corner of my brain and it's something that I refuse to think about. All I can say is that I'm afraid of hurt and I'm still placing my heart under lock and key. Though I don't know what will happen next, I'm praying that He will guide me through it. All I can do now is just relax and stop thinking too much.

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go

Fly Me to The Moon...

No thanks to Winnie, this song is going on in my head for the past few weeks especially this week (for no apparent reason). Anyway...

I feel like a fool today. Not once but twice. First, for doing the thing that I'm supposed to do. Second, for using the wrong word. In time like this, I guess these are the options that I have:

1. Take a piece of paper. Next, take a marker pen. Then, write the word 'FOOL' on it. Last, stick it on my forehead.
2. Find a tall building and jump from it.
3. Find a hole and hide myself.
4. Just smile and pretend that nothing has happened.
5. My favourite. Fly me to the moon and let me hide among the stars. (I'm sure I'm small enough to do so.)

Being a 'wise' one, I'm going for the 4th option. *Putting on a smiley face now* For once, I really hope there's somebody who can truly understand why I am upset and lend me a shoulder to cry on. But, I know, at the end of the day, no matter what happened, He's always there for me. Thanks :)

Fear...

I have been feeling this for a while now and somehow, I can't seem to shake it off me.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I haven't done my very best and haven't given all in. Dancing is not easy for me. Especially when it comes to Malay traditional dance which all the small details count. You have to bend low so as to make your bottom stand out. You have to swing your hands and your head gracefully. Everybody must bend so everyone looks equally tall. Even all the movements have to be very synchronised.

I missed one very important practice where the trainer polished our movements. After that night, everyone improved a lot. Since I wasn't there, I really felt left out. I'd tried to catch up but it's hard.

Now, with the competition just 3 weeks ahead, I'm feeling the fear even more and guilt is lingering around. All of them are good. I don't want to be part of the reason that cause us not to get any placing. My trainer is worried and I'm feeling bad. Every time when it comes to training for tarian asli, I'll feel the stress...

I really need to make a point to practice well. Plus, studying for at least 4 hours per day even if it means that I need to sleep at 3 or 4 am everyday. I don't want to fail my exam :( Just pray that I can manage all these...

P.S. Something happened this morning and I just can't stop thinking about it. I know I look like a very serious girl but the last thing that I want is a friend who thinks that I am indeed a serious girl. The you-can't-joke-with girl, the very-easily-offended girl, the no-fun girl. Honestly, I don't mind people teasing me as long as I know that they are just joking. 2 of my very close guy friends LOVE to tease me *cough* Saren and Daniel *cough* and they actually make me laugh :) No matter what, they are there when I need any advices or helps or friend. (: Chu Yee also likes to tease me but the bond between us is still strong. My evil twin, Ana seems to be born to tease me and sometimes, Ruth joins in as well but the twin thingy is still going on.

Sorry for making you feel bad. I didn't know that you actually think that I was offended. I didn't mean it. Sorry :(

Passion...

Last Thursday, there was a motivation talk. As a goody good girl (sigh...) who never fails to attend every single class, I dragged myself to the talk. And guess what, I'm rather glad that I did so.

The talk was amazing. Instead of lengthy speech of how you should this or that or this or that, videos were shown and they were amazing especially the one on Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. We saw how the children were so determined to get into the academy. We saw how they said 'I CAN get in!' instead of 'I MAY get in.' We saw how they struggled at a young age and yet their love towards education never died off. Just a look in their eyes and one could see a big flame of passion burning in them. Nothing could stop them and nothing could put off the flame in them.

To think of myself, the flame is still burning in me but the lazy bugs are surrounding it and sadly to say, I succumb to them too much. I love what I'm doing now, I love being a medical student, I love studying medicine. It's been everything that I wish for and now that I got it, I start to slack a bit. Guilt is haunting me everyday especially after result is out. I'm starting to not believe in myself especially knowing that I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are way smarter than me. The confidence in exam that I used to have is gone. The confidence in study that I used to have is also gone. I feel insecure day by day and I'm terrified of the thought of failing my exam. I'm starting to blame dancing for everything though knowing that it's not that. It's just ME.

Now, no more lazy bugs. I want that passion and I know I have it in me. I want to try my very best and be the hardworking girl that I used to be. I want to gain back my confidence. I want to pass my exam. Most of all, I want to graduate with a MBBS degree and embark on a lifelong journey dealing with people. I don't know what to expect but I know He'll be there to watch over me and guide me. Thank You Lord for everything :)

Me and My Books :)

Went book-shopping with Cheng Nee last Friday :) After all the tiring days and dances and late-night studying, I just couldn't wait to go out and get some books. Even the slight headache I experienced didn't have the ability to stop me from heading to bookxcess. :P

The moment I set my eyes on all the books, all my troubles just seemed so far away. And for once in a week or two time, I felt happy and I couldn't stop smiling like a little girl who is deeply in love. Since I'm still single, I can announce without guilt that book is my first and current love :D

Oh wait, I think I sound like a bimbo =.=" Nevertheless, I went round and round and round the shop for more than an hour and in the end, I settled with 10 books. All these (plus one of Cheng Nee's book) cost me RM150++. Hmmm... Not bad...

Thanks Cheng Nee for accompanying me :) Will treat you one of my favourite chocolate cake once I get my hand on it :)

Am heading to Kajang this Friday, which means tomorrow, which also means bye bye home :(

Am going book-shopping this Saturday again!!! Can't wait. I got a long list of books to buy. :P

Am attending my cousin's wedding dinner in Kajang this Saturday night.

Am attending my cousin's wedding ceremony on Sunday morning.

Then, I'm bidding farewell to Kajang and back to UM after the wedding ceremony :(

Current mode: Study. Can't afford and don't want to fail my quiz...

Lost and Found...

Have you ever been stranded in a place for 5 hours? Have you ever been so close to getting something but you missed it in a fraction of time?

That was what happened to me this morning. Due to some miscommunication, I thought I was supposed to wait at the hospital bus stop. Because of that, I kept on waiting for my friend even though the bus and taxis came. I never stopped waiting. About 35 minutes before departure time, I called up my friend then only I realised I was supposed to wait at KL Central. I rushed and rushed and rushed and by the time I reached there, the train just left the station. If only I reached there a few more seconds earlier...

The disappoinment was too great. I ran inside the washroom and cried there. I was so close to home yet I missed it. I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I called my mum and told her about it.

After I calmed myself down, I went out and bought the afternoon ticket back. Then I sat at the departure hall and started counting down the time. Constanzo was wide opened on my lap but I couldn't pay much attention to it. Most of time, I would be staring at a spot and lost in my own thought. Then I brought myself back out of the dreamland and focus on Costanzo. But it's harder than I thought. I was really lost at that time.

I was so tired and it became worst after I cried. Throughout that 5 hours, I was struggling to stay awake. Each time that my eyes were going to close, I'd take out the earphone and listen to music. At that moment, I really wished somebody was there with me so that I can rest without worries. But it was really too much to wish for. So I kept on forcing my eyes to stay wide.

Finally, 2 pm came and the train reached on time and finally, I could take a short nap. Thank goodness I'm a light sleeper (didn't realise that till Ruth told me). If not, I would have to force myself to stay awake again so that I won't miss Tampin station.

Home. At last I reached here at 4.20 pm. This is the first time that the train arrived early. Thank God for it. All this while I'd taken granted of it but not now. I'm going to appreciate every moment that I can spend here and come back more often. To those who have the luxury to go back often, do appreciate it. It's the place that you can run to in times of trouble. It's the place that will welcome you with open arms though you feel like everyone is against you. It's the place that you'll feel safe even though you're living in a dangerous world. It's the only space that will not reject you.

Home sweet home :)