Fishing for Confidence...

Philippians 3:13 '...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead'.

Reading through this passage, I wonder whether I'd reached this point. Everyone has their own story and I remember reading a quote which said that people are what they are not because they chose to be, it's because of things that happened in their past. And I have to agree with this.

Did my own past mold me to what I am today? If yes, I really wish that none of everything had ever happened.

I remember from they day I understand language and everything, I was called a fat and short girl. And it went on throughout my secondary school life. People were always comparing my sister with me. I was even called 'burger' by my relatives. Once, a guy came up to me and asked me whether I am planning to go on a diet. It's not that I am angry but though I am used to all of these, it still hurt. So if you're wondering why am I so obsess about my appearance, the above sentences are the 'why'.

Since leaving secondary school, I was brought out of my little hometown to other places. Though my body had left the place where I got hurt the most, I could not leave the bruises behind. They no longer bleed or hurt as they used to but the scars are still there. I found it hard to communicate with people of my same race and mood swings do strike at times. If you're wondering why am I so quiet with apparent lack of confidence, I guess since young, no one expected me to talk or do anything great and I'd been living like this since don't know when.

Since entering uni, I was involved in a few things and one of the main one is dancing. During my first year, when everyone was catching up, I felt myself falling behind day by day. The pressure was too great for me and for a while, it was hard for me to put a smile on face. I wanted to quit but it felt so irresponsible and I felt an attachment with dancing and I could not bring myself to break it off. Somehow, thanks to my lovely teammate and the ever wonderful God, I pulled it through.

This is my second year dancing. From the start, I wanted to pull myself out of traditional dance since it's not something which comes easily for me. But for the same reasons as above, I stayed forth. Now, with the competition just around the corner, I wonder whether it is a mistake that I stay on.

To my dancing mates, though most of you are not reading this, I just want to apologise. If I do seem paranoid, it's because I'm scared. I do not want history of breaking down to repeat again. If I do annoy you, it's because I can't seem to find the confidence. I'll try my best but I can't be certain that my best is the best. I just pray that I'll get through these without disappointing all of you. I wish that I can put the above verse from Philippians to practice but I can't seem to fish out the confidence in me yet.

Philippians 4:4-7 '⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'