Hopeless...

About a year ago, I took up a responsibility that no one wanted.

I did all the preparations, I outlined everything, I collected all the info, and most importantly, I gathered everyone who agreed to join and wanted to be a part of the committee.

For the past one year, there were time when I felt a little annoyed, but I brushed it out of my mind since I was the one who took the responsibility. I need to complete it.

Now, I am worried. I was supposed to pass on this responsibility to the next person, but I haven't completed it. I'd been sending sms telling those in charge that I really need the pages, I really need to complete this, I really need to see the ideas materialize. But somehow, everything seems to fall to deaf ears, or in this case, blind eyes.

Is it because that I don't scream, they think that it's ok?

Is it because that I smile and said 'it's ok', they think that I don't mind?

Is it because that I don't put up an angry face or cry in front of them or beg them, they think that 'Oh, never mind, she won't mind, we can hand in anytime.'

I know you're busy. I understand. That's why when you hand in slightly later when you're busy, I'll tell you that it's ok and I'll thank you with all my heart when you do pass up. I was and still am in your shoes now. I know it's not easy to juggle study and other responsibilities at the same time. I was put in that condition when I was preparing for dance competition. I broke down a few times but those tears only made me stronger and I continued to strive. I know that medical school is not easy. We have thick books to study, endless notes to flip through and tough exams to go through. But 1 year has passed, some had finished what they had to do, why can't you too? Can't you at least tell me why instead of trying to avoid me? Am I that annoying?

I still need to summit everything to Dr. Loh and Prof Jun. By the time when I do that, I need to explain myself for not finishing this on time. Worst case scenario, I need to explain to them why I can't publish a magazine this year when all the other ex-editors finished and published the magazine before July. Will I blame it on you? I don't know. Maybe I'll just look down and apologize for being an incapable editor. Maybe I'll take all the blame myself since I'm the head of this project and that's what a head is for, taking blame for everything that the others made.

Can you just put yourself in my shoes and try to complete them so that all of us will not be look down at?

Today is the last day of July. On the first day, I was confident that I'll make this a success. I thought I can show that I can do this too. But now, I'd lost my confidence. Maybe I'm just not as good as I think I am. Maybe I'm just a weakling.

I need all the strength now, dear God...