Dilemma...

When I entered med school, many seniors and lecturers said med school is not easy. You need to make sure that you really want to do this. You really need to motivate yourself frequently. If not, you'll get carried away when the stress comes and you will not know how to handle it. 

And that's what I'd been doing recently. Motivating myself. Reminding myself why I chose med school. Why I want to do this. What are my purposes behind all these. It's not easy, especially after Dr L who graduated in 2007 told us that failing exam was unheard of during his time. And I wonder what is wrong with us. Lecturers blame us, some lecturers blame us and their fellow colleagues. And then the name and maruah of university come into place and we are blamed for menjatuhkan nama and maruah and of course, the standard and quality of the top university. 

Anyway, the past one week has been a normal week with some dramas here and there. 

First of all, we have a new medical lecturer. He is an ex-graduate who refused to tell us the year of  his graduation and this is his first time teaching students. He has an entirely different method of teaching and he's slightly more particular when it comes to examination technique. That reminded me of the first day of class, when I became the guinea pig and it ended badly with corrections everywhere and smirks on some fellow colleagues face. Well, not everyone enjoys his teachings. Classes will end with comments here and there. Sometimes the comments are quite hurtful. Especially when it is related to the way he dresses, blah blah blah. I choose to keep quiet. True, his teaching method is different but I respect him. He is willing to teach and he is willing to come in the afternoon to give us classes. For that, I respect him. He is also very gentle towards patients and he does talk nicely and informing the patients before laying a finger on them. From him, I can see a passionate medical student when he was my age. He is willing to answer our questions and he is always prompting us to visit the clinic, unit instead of just staying in the ward. I really don't think it's right to comment about his dressing and teasing him at the back for he is truly a responsible educator. It's even harder when I'm the minority in the group and everyone else is doing that so I remain silent to avoid conflict. 

However, I was left frustrated on Thursday. There was a young, fragile, timid-looking Malay teenager in the ward. She has a history of rheumatic heart disease. This time, it might have been complicated with infective endocarditis. Of course, many many many group of students went to examine her. Being a young, fragile, timid girl, she didn't say no. She just sat there quietly. After many many groups, my group brought dr to her. Then the dr chose a male colleague to do the full CVS examination. At one point, when her shirt was almost removed (prompted by dr since she didn't say no at all), she screamed and said no. We respected her and the male colleague went on with the examination with her shirt on. All the girls in the group noticed that she's almost crying throughout the examination. Yet, she held her tears. After examination, before we discussed about the findings, someone asked about the schedule for the next day but he said he'd come to that later after we're done with the girl. Yet, the one who asked pressed on and the discussion started with the girl sitting there clueless. One of my female colleague interrupted the discussion and asked for the discussion to be done outside. We quickly discussed about the girl's condition and left the girl alone. All the girls stayed back and comforted the girl for she started crying when the dr left. The geram part was, none of the guys noticed her distress. All they cared about was the murmur. They saw our frustrated face and kept on pressing us what was wrong and we were even more geram. Insensitive guys, a young lady is tormented with the fact that guys are touching her chest for the sake of examination. It was so apparent but their mind was fixed at the murmur only. 

At the same time, there's a lady diagnosed with myelofibrosis in the ward. Just like the textbook description, she has massive splenomegaly. This lady is in the isolation ward and she's just started her chemotherapy. Meaning, the patient is immuno-compromised. Before that, dr did tell us that we should not touch patient who is on chemo for their immune system is suppressed and we'd be the one who is spreading the infections to them. My fellow colleague wanted to examine her but I refused to do so. He went on without me. I was fortunate to meet an elective student who brought me to a nice gentleman with aortic regurgitaiton and showed me all the signs. He knew about the lady and he refused to examine her as well. On Friday, I told the colleague who examined the lady my opinion. He took it very lightly. He said it's not everyday that you can palpate a massive spleen and he used the hand sanitiser before touching her. It's as if infection is not a problem as long as he gets to palpate the spleen. I continued by demonstrating that if his mother was the one lying there, will he like it if someone else did the same thing to his mother? Much to my dismay, he said:"Touch wood, touch wood, don't curse my mother like that lah. Are you trying to say that she will get myelofibrosis?". Fine, I kept my comments and my frustrations to myself. 

I don't understand. I thought the first rule in medicine is to do no harm. I'm constantly in dilemma. These people make me feel like I don't care about the spleen. They make it sound like I don't care about the knowledge by not going to palpate the spleen. They make me feel like a bad and lazy student. However, shouldn't knowledge obtained without harming or putting the patients at risk? I don't understand how they can close their eyes towards the risk and look at the patient as if she's nothing but a freaking spleen. I don't understand. 

Sigh... Maybe I care too much. I need to remind myself another thing. Compassion is nothing if you don't have the knowledge. Why can't osmosis work? I fall asleep on top of my books every night without me realising and yet, osmosis didn't happen also. Sigh... 

PS: In no way I'm trying to bad-mouth my colleagues. They are all amazing, smart and hardworking people and I'm thankful for I had learned a lot from them and they had given me supports and laughter throughout. These are just small events and like I say, maybe I care and think too much.

PS: Read my previous posts and I couldn't help but laughed at my naive-ness, childishness and emo-ness. By the way, I won't give up that easily even after all the criticisms. I will still take on the role of leader if I was chosen again and I'll improve myself. But no way I'm giving up that easily. 

I may look small but I'm determined not to let people look down on me.