Tears in the Hospital...

It's been about a year and tears are no longer stranger to me.

The first time I saw a patient passed away and tears were seen on the family members' face. My group mate could not stand the scene and was very much affected by the scene. I thought I'd be affected but it didn't happen. I stood there, watched the scene unfold in front of me and moved on. My lack of emotion did scare me and I felt heartless.

Few times, I'd seen family members crying and shouting. There were scenes where the family members came back to the ward and scolded all the doctors they could get their hands on after their loved-one passed away. 

Besides anger, there were appreciation as well. I remember once when I was flipping through the case file, 2 family members were asking the specialist about their family member and at the end of it, they sincerely thanked the Dr for everything they had done and they mentioned that they appreciate everything. 

However, hospital is a place comprises of many people, not just the patients and family members.

There were moments when I witnessed junior drs being scolded by the superior so badly that they looked almost like they were going to cry. There were times when patients encouraged me to stay strong because they had seen many young drs being scolded in front of them. 

I had my fair share of teary moments too. Those were tears of disappointment after performing badly. Usually, I controlled the tears and right after class, I'd run away from the crowd and back to my room. I refuse to show my weakness in front of my colleagues especially in the ward and in front of patients because I believe I have to be professional. Patients are already suffering from their disease and there is no need for them to see tears from medical students like me. Being reprimanded from lecturers may be embarrassing but we are dealing with patient's life and there is a need to be professional and competent. I'm just very much disappointed with myself for my lack of competency. 

Few days back, when I was in the elevator, I saw a student from another university squatting down and crying in the packed elevator. Part of me wanted to comfort her but I have no idea what happened so I held back and reflected upon myself. 

Now, with exam coming soon, emotions are even harder to control. Tears of frustration, disappointment and fear are all fighting to come out from my eyes. With people constantly psycho-ing you directly and indirectly, it's even worst. Yet, there're times when there're no emotion at all and that's the scariest part. I try to go on with my routine but fear is always at the back of my mind. With many things going on, I just want to make it through smoothly. 

To the children who put a smile on my face, although you may not know it, thank you for relieving my stress temporarily :)

To Him who is always there, thank You :) 

陈慧恬-管理时间的人

好有意思的本地创作歌曲

当我们觉得没人理会我们时

请不要放弃

也许时间还没到

只要有点耐心

该来的都会来