Before the end of first year, I heard so much about Glee. Ruth is really into it and 'Defying Gravity' was constantly on when she was on her laptop. Ana loves it and I'm sure 'Lean On Me' is one of her favourites. Well, since it's a musical (who doesn't love music???) and there are lots of rave reviews so I was thinking why not just give it a go. And guess what? I'm officially a Gleek now! The only downfall is that I lost my voice completely due to a cold so I can't get to sing along...
I was away during the weekend for the second leadership camp for the pembantu mahasiswa in preparation for the upcoming Minggu Haluansiswa (can't wait to meet the juniors!!!) One thing you should know is that I'd never really been to any kind of camps. The leadership camp for librarian was mostly consist of ceramah and ceramah. My school was not really that active in ko-ku so I seldom got a chance to be involved in camping and outdoor activities.
One look at the timetable and I noticed we got rempuh halangan and a trip to Amberstone Camp for jungle trekking and all sorts of outdoor activities. I didn't know what to expect. Fear, anticipation, excitement... all the feelings were bubbled inside the little me.
People often view crying as a sign of weakness and I totally oppose to this ridiculous mindset. I have to admit, I cried almost throughout the rempuh halangan course. Everyone has their own way of expressing and releasing their fears and mine is through tears. If I forced myself not to cry that night, I doubted I would have the courage to go through all the halangan. Crying is the way for me to release all my fears and provide me the courage that I need. One asked me: What is it exactly that I was afraid of. Then I asked myself back the same question. What? I guess it's because I'd never had to jump down from a high place before, or is it because a friend told me that she'd tried it before and warned me that no matter how low you crawl, your back will still touch the thorns and it'll be extremely painful, or is it because being a vertically-disabled girl, the pools that I'd experienced would always reach my shoulder level and I couldn't wipe off the drowning scenes off my head? I was part of a group and I knew no matter how scared I was, I had to cry out all the fears and worries and conquer it. And all the appreciation to my teammates who waited for me and cheered for me :)
Through the outdoor activities and jungle trekking, I realised I have a tendency to hold somebody's hand when the roads were rough or slippery to walk for I was afraid of slipping or falling. And there'd be someone who was willing to lend me a hand. I can't stop to think, do I really need this? Can't I brave through the rough roads without having someone to give me a hand? Life's journey is long and I'm no longer that naive to think that there'll always someone with me throughout this. There'll be time when I'll be alone. After so many years of cold treatment and isolation by my own race, I thought I'm used to alone already. But even during the roughest time, God was so wonderful that He always place someone call 'friend' who is more than willing to lend me a shoulder to cry on. I may not have tons and millions of good friends that everyone seems to have but the friends that I have now are those who had and still touch my heart in a special way that it's hard for me to forget. When I'm alone, I know I will find a way to walk through the rough roads even if it means slipping and falling and bruising myself since I have to get to the destination one way or another. But here I have to thanks to all the helping hands that were given to me even I didn't ask for it :)
The only regret that I had was throwing a tantrum at my mum when she stopped by to collect my stuffs. I was so disappointed with myself and I really felt so useless at that moment. It all started during LDK session when we were assigned to draw a flag, list down some Kadazan words and come out with a song based on the Kadazan's culture. Immediately, I volunteered myself to help out giving the songs a lyric. All the creative juices were flowing in my head and I was so excited to express all that I could think of. After settling for a song, we started with the lyrics. That's when I became so down. There were 2 girls who was so full of confident singing while thinking of lyrics. At that moment, I realised that whatever idea that I wanted to present must be in the form of singing and my confidence just crashed from the top level right down to the basement. Every time I tried to sing, my tongues were tied up that I couldn't sing at all. I remained quiet and I felt so useless. Singing in front of people is just something that I'm terrified of after constantly being laughed by people of my inability to sing. My confidence was so low and my mood went down so low that I was so frustrated with the constant phone calls and sms from my mum. The phone couldn't stop vibrating and I couldn't do anything since the activity was still going on. I got extremely annoyed and thus, the quarrel. I'm sorry.
It's true, I have a confidence issue. And it's even worst when it involves singing even though I love music. I can't sing properly, I can't play an instrument properly and sometimes I just wish my marks in piano theory truly reflects my ability in music but that's just a joke since everybody knows piano theory is as easy as pie. You don't need to be extremely good in music to score a 100 and that's something that everyone who took the test before knows.
When will I ever gain back the confidence that was taken brutally away from me since entering primary school and let my true colours shine through?
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realise
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
