I have been feeling this for a while now and somehow, I can't seem to shake it off me.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I haven't done my very best and haven't given all in. Dancing is not easy for me. Especially when it comes to Malay traditional dance which all the small details count. You have to bend low so as to make your bottom stand out. You have to swing your hands and your head gracefully. Everybody must bend so everyone looks equally tall. Even all the movements have to be very synchronised.
I missed one very important practice where the trainer polished our movements. After that night, everyone improved a lot. Since I wasn't there, I really felt left out. I'd tried to catch up but it's hard.
Now, with the competition just 3 weeks ahead, I'm feeling the fear even more and guilt is lingering around. All of them are good. I don't want to be part of the reason that cause us not to get any placing. My trainer is worried and I'm feeling bad. Every time when it comes to training for tarian asli, I'll feel the stress...
I really need to make a point to practice well. Plus, studying for at least 4 hours per day even if it means that I need to sleep at 3 or 4 am everyday. I don't want to fail my exam :( Just pray that I can manage all these...
P.S. Something happened this morning and I just can't stop thinking about it. I know I look like a very serious girl but the last thing that I want is a friend who thinks that I am indeed a serious girl. The you-can't-joke-with girl, the very-easily-offended girl, the no-fun girl. Honestly, I don't mind people teasing me as long as I know that they are just joking. 2 of my very close guy friends LOVE to tease me *cough* Saren and Daniel *cough* and they actually make me laugh :) No matter what, they are there when I need any advices or helps or friend. (: Chu Yee also likes to tease me but the bond between us is still strong. My evil twin, Ana seems to be born to tease me and sometimes, Ruth joins in as well but the twin thingy is still going on.
Sorry for making you feel bad. I didn't know that you actually think that I was offended. I didn't mean it. Sorry :(
Friday, February 26, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Passion...
Last Thursday, there was a motivation talk. As a goody good girl (sigh...) who never fails to attend every single class, I dragged myself to the talk. And guess what, I'm rather glad that I did so.
The talk was amazing. Instead of lengthy speech of how you should this or that or this or that, videos were shown and they were amazing especially the one on Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. We saw how the children were so determined to get into the academy. We saw how they said 'I CAN get in!' instead of 'I MAY get in.' We saw how they struggled at a young age and yet their love towards education never died off. Just a look in their eyes and one could see a big flame of passion burning in them. Nothing could stop them and nothing could put off the flame in them.
To think of myself, the flame is still burning in me but the lazy bugs are surrounding it and sadly to say, I succumb to them too much. I love what I'm doing now, I love being a medical student, I love studying medicine. It's been everything that I wish for and now that I got it, I start to slack a bit. Guilt is haunting me everyday especially after result is out. I'm starting to not believe in myself especially knowing that I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are way smarter than me. The confidence in exam that I used to have is gone. The confidence in study that I used to have is also gone. I feel insecure day by day and I'm terrified of the thought of failing my exam. I'm starting to blame dancing for everything though knowing that it's not that. It's just ME.
Now, no more lazy bugs. I want that passion and I know I have it in me. I want to try my very best and be the hardworking girl that I used to be. I want to gain back my confidence. I want to pass my exam. Most of all, I want to graduate with a MBBS degree and embark on a lifelong journey dealing with people. I don't know what to expect but I know He'll be there to watch over me and guide me. Thank You Lord for everything :)
The talk was amazing. Instead of lengthy speech of how you should this or that or this or that, videos were shown and they were amazing especially the one on Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. We saw how the children were so determined to get into the academy. We saw how they said 'I CAN get in!' instead of 'I MAY get in.' We saw how they struggled at a young age and yet their love towards education never died off. Just a look in their eyes and one could see a big flame of passion burning in them. Nothing could stop them and nothing could put off the flame in them.
To think of myself, the flame is still burning in me but the lazy bugs are surrounding it and sadly to say, I succumb to them too much. I love what I'm doing now, I love being a medical student, I love studying medicine. It's been everything that I wish for and now that I got it, I start to slack a bit. Guilt is haunting me everyday especially after result is out. I'm starting to not believe in myself especially knowing that I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are way smarter than me. The confidence in exam that I used to have is gone. The confidence in study that I used to have is also gone. I feel insecure day by day and I'm terrified of the thought of failing my exam. I'm starting to blame dancing for everything though knowing that it's not that. It's just ME.
Now, no more lazy bugs. I want that passion and I know I have it in me. I want to try my very best and be the hardworking girl that I used to be. I want to gain back my confidence. I want to pass my exam. Most of all, I want to graduate with a MBBS degree and embark on a lifelong journey dealing with people. I don't know what to expect but I know He'll be there to watch over me and guide me. Thank You Lord for everything :)
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