Sincerity :)

Were clerking a patient a few hours back.

While waiting for the patient to finish talking to somebody over the phone, we flipped through the file to see whether any investigations had been done.

Halfway through, a patient's family member (A) came and we had a brief conversation:

A: So all of you are medical students?
We: Yes.
A: Ah... Then you'll be earning lots of money in 10 years time. *cheeky face*
We: *giggled*
A: True right?
We: *giggled louder*
A: Money is one thing. Don't forget to be sincere in treating patients. For us, God comes first and doctor comes second. In terms of illness, we rely on you and put our trust in you. Please don't forget to be sincere even with the large amount of money you have.

Thanks Uncle A :) Thanks for reminding me of sincerity as this can be easily forgotten in the midst of stress and busy life. I'll keep this in mind for as long as I can. Thanks a lot :)

艰辛的路程...

今天上课上得很辛苦，
看着老师强忍着地教书，
听着他的叹气，
自己觉得很羞愧。

生平第一次，
坐在教室里几个小时，
心跳加速，
呼吸变得越来越快，
眼孔慢慢变大，
双手不停地抖，
心里只有这几个念头，
“到底我适不适合当一位好医生？
到底我有没有资格坐在这儿？
到底我能不能考到这个文凭？
到底我是不是在欺骗着自己？
到底我是不是在浪费着自己的时间？"

好多的问号，
满心的疑惑，
好痛苦，
好羞愧，
恨不得离开教室，
在房里号啕大哭。

老师曾经说过：
"Medicine is not an easy life."
我也不是不懂，
但不管我怎么想，
也没有想到这个路程会有这么的艰难，
即使自己很有兴趣，
很开心的享受学习过程，
也减轻不了医科的难度。

医生教授们对自己的要求，
病人们对自己的希望，
家人们对自己的盼望，
一层一层的压下来，
有时压得自己喘不过来，
但是为了自己的理想，
仍然强迫自己坚强，
咬着牙也拼着，
不让自己跌倒。

本以为自己能屹立不倒，
但今天发现自己离终点还很远，
发现自己与六个月前的自己一点差别都没有，
还是什么都不懂，
好像一个品质差的不倒翁似的，
危险地摇摇摆摆，
似乎随时随地都会倒下来。

很怕自己会跌下来，
很怕自己承受不了，
很怕自己会绕到最初的起点，
很怕这一切只是一场梦，
梦醒来，
这一切都不会是我的了...

谢谢主赐给我这几位好朋友，
我一直不想找人诉苦，
自己都已经那么压力了，
我不想把再把这压力加在别人的身上，
但发现自己真得好没用，
双脚会自然而然的往她们的房间走，
真的很不好意思，
真的很谢谢，
也很抱歉打扰你们，
也浪费了你们的时间，
对不起...

陈奕迅-内疚


我曾知道 你的好
我曾知道 你有多重要
我曾經知道不睡覺 對我身體不好
你是我的安眠藥

我常自暴 不環保
「...是為你好」始終改不掉
寶寶的哭聲聽不到 我的音響太吵
你走了也管不著

才下了眉頭 卻攻上我心頭
蠶食而盡 掏空左右
每當我回頭 內疚是劊子手
摧殘我回憶中的所有

天亮了 給我找個藉口
來麻醉我傷口 血流了卻未參透
是時候放手 但又不接受 我一無所有

無理取鬧 你垂頭
對我傻笑「愛是一場感冒」
難道是我太驕傲 不信你說他多好
才把你氣走 自招

才下了眉頭 卻攻上我心頭
蠶食而盡 掏空左右
每當我回頭 內疚是劊子手
砍掉我回憶中的所有

天亮了 給我找個藉口
來麻醉這傷口 血流了卻未參透
是時候接受 我一無所有
是我讓你走 別回頭

是無法接受 我一無所有
我終於知道內疚

疑惑...

今天又碰到了小鱼。看着它满脸疑惑，好奇的我和它聊了起来，看看能不能帮些什么。

新年到了，小鱼好开心，终于能够回到小河，逃避在大海面对的烦恼与疲惫。除夕夜，小鱼帮婆婆准备红包，顺便陪陪年老的婆婆。准备的当儿，婆婆吩咐鱼妈妈不要包给其中一个姑姑的家人，还很生气地骂起姑姑来。小鱼好疑惑，很想问，但这是大人的事情，不敢问太多，只是假装没事发生，转转话题，陪婆婆聊聊。不久，当小鱼和鱼妈妈一起看戏时，鱼妈妈告住了它真相。

去年，婆婆得了癌症。庆幸的是，这是个能被治好的癌症。手术后，婆婆完完全全的痊愈，但家人都很担心婆婆，不肯让她一个人留在家里。有一次，婆婆到姑姑的家住了几天。小鱼当时有在，看见有姑姑陪婆婆聊天，心也不怎么担心了。几天后，婆婆回了家。过后，姑姑向爸爸讨钱，说这是让婆婆住在她家的费用。鱼爸爸和妈妈当然不开心，婆婆知道了更不开心。

小鱼不明白，照顾年老的父母难道不是儿女的责任吗？为何有些人可以向自己的父母要求费用呢？父母把自己抚养成人，都不渴望金钱上的回报，只是希望儿女孙儿们能陪陪自己，这也算过分吗？真不明白。小鱼知道姑姑很看重金钱，可是从没想过姑姑会有这种念头。

小鱼不明白，我也不明白，看着小鱼摇起头来，我也情不自禁的摇起头来。

好疑惑啊...

I really don't like when people look at me like I'm a freaking money tree. Especially when that person is someone that you can never avoid. I really don't like when I have to smile when you're giving me a long lecture on which hospitals are near to my house, how much money I'm going to get when I'm out in the service and how 'rich' I'm going to be. And all conversations will end with "Don't forget me ah." I don't want to be rude to you and I still respect you as possible since you're my relative but I really don't like the feeling of being used.

Nevertheless, this is something that I want to do . I won't let a person dampen my interest. I'll find some way to manage when the time comes. For now, must turn off my holiday mode and turn on my study mode.

Happy Chinese New Year to those who are reading this :)

林宥嘉 - 唐人街

撒把葱花加个蛋

不在杨州的炒饭

心里正在怨都快关门

谁还未买单

你说饭饨卖不完

正好拿來作晚餐

我看着窗外的珍珠港

配乐是偿还

逛一条随机的街 (柏林或米兰的街)

找一种注定的感觉 (噢就是这里的感觉)

我不惜环遊全世界

踏破了铁鞋

來赴这前生之约

找一条有你的街 (開罗或京都的街)

找一种回家的感觉 (是時候停下的感觉)

传说中的归根落叶

曾经多不屑

原來最渴望的

不過这些

熨著別人的衬衣

想着我们的孩子

叫什么名字

小珠桃子

还是Naomi

逛一条随机的街 (柏林或米兰的街)

找一种注定的感觉 (噢就是这里的感觉)

我不惜环遊全世界

踏破了铁鞋

來赴这前生之约

找一条有你的街 (開罗或京都的街)

找一种回家的感觉 (是時候停下的感觉)

传说中的归根落叶

曾经多不屑

原來最渴望的

不過这些

大红的灯笼高高挂

处处是古董和字画

虽然很廉价

总算像个家

普天下的唐人街 (普天下的唐人街)

都是个巨大情意结 (牌坊后华丽的幻觉)

可是你飄泊在天涯

一万零一夜

一定想回家過节

在一条陌生的街 (华沙或首尔的街)

种一种熟悉的感觉 (流浪将因你而终结)

我已经环游了世界

踏破了铁鞋

是時候过一些

平凡的夜

香港黄伟文大师的词，写得好好啊，让离家遥远的我们都很想家，迫不及待的等待能回家的那天。

:(

The title says it all.

Ok. Maybe not all.

Some said that being a girl has its own privilege as you can have mood swings and no one will blame you for that. As nice as it sounds, the feeling sucks. It's so horrible. You just feel like you're the worst person in the entire world and maybe the stupidest as well. All the haywire hormones just make your mood go down and down as if you're falling from a sky-high cliff. Sigh...

Mood swing + Hot weather + Brain hyper-resonance = :( + Self doubt

I'm just not as good as people think I am. 1 month plus and I still don't know anything at all. Knowledge: 0, Examination skills: 0.

Do I even have what it takes to achieve what I want to do? I really want this but why do I have a feeling I'll fail badly?

Sigh...

I should stop whining. Like Dr Chong said, crying is not going to help at all.

Finally, a rain came and washed away all the heat. Thank God :)

:( :( :(

梁静茹&盧廣仲-不是我不明白

分享这首歌没什么特别的原因，只是觉得很好听，尤其是静茹的歌声 :)

Support...

"If you fall, I'll be there"-Floor

That's really the only thing that you can count on.

Dr Loh always say that even if you're not in a relationship, there's always someone that you can rely on and someone that affects you. Knowing that someone is there is more than enough to calm you down :)

I may not be in a relationship but I'm still thankful that I still have my family and friends with me.

My parents and my grandma fuss on me a lot but I know they really care. I remember once when I kept on insisting that I'm not hungry, my grandma prepared a cup of milo and one big box of biscuit and she wouldn't stop until I finish them.

And also my friends. Though I know I'm very childish and annoying and they can't stop bully me (:P) but thanks for being there too :P

莫文蔚-忽然之间

忽然之間　

天昏地暗　

世界可以忽然什麼都沒有

我想起了你　

再想到自己
我為什麼總在非常脆弱的時候　

懷念你

我明白　

太放不開你的愛　

太熟悉你的關懷
分不開　

想你算是安慰還是悲哀

而現在　

就算時針都停擺　

就算生命像塵埃

分不開　

我們也許反而更相信愛

如果這天地　

最終會消失
不想一路走來珍惜的回憶　

沒有你

我明白　

太放不開你的愛　

太熟悉你的關懷
分不開　

想你算是安慰還是悲哀

而現在　

就算時針都停擺　

就算生命像塵埃

分不開　

我們也許反而更相信愛

A Happy Day :)

Yesterday was pretty much one of the most satisfying day in the first week of a completely new year :)

Right after ward round, when one of the lift arrived, everyone squeezed inside it. The moment that I wanted to step inside, it was so full that I gave up and planned to take the stairs. Then I heard Dr Loh was talking to some of my group mates about some sort of outing. Out of curiosity, I joined in then I knew she was going to home visit somewhere in Klang right after the ward round. Seeing I was there, she asked me whether I want to join. Without hesitation, I nodded happily.

Before the home visit, she brought us to lunch in a Chinese restaurant. We'd ordered a lot (prawns, vege, tofu, fish, meat...) but she said we ate far too little from what she'd expected and she'd even prepared more money :P

Then we went to visit a patient. He was diagnosed with thyroid cancer which has metastasised to the lung and liver and we later found out that the bone was also involved. He had done a tracheostomy and was not able to talk. All of us stood there and watched how Dr managed the patient. She even told the patient a joke about one of us who claimed that he can eat a lot and ended up eating only 2 prawns :) We were also given a chance to talk to the patient since he was willing to talk to us. Before we left, the patient seemed to be grateful and everyone was satisfied :)

Dr Loh was very nice towards us. During the entire time, she chit-chatted with us in English, Chinese and Hokkien and discussed about patient care with us. As a palliative care doctor, she shared a lot of her experiences with us especially to us who tumpang her car :) There were a lot of things that I would like to ask but the 3 other girls who shared the car didn't say much and I was still a pretty much shy type :S Regret already... But she tried to start all the conversations and there were times we laughed out loud in the car. And I realised she is very enthusiastic about what she's doing and she really did enjoy talking to us :)

She really taught us a lot. She said we are all too serious and kept asking us to have fun before we feel trap in our little room and become depressed. She is always stressing on group work by comparing these 2 terms 'independent' and 'inter-dependent'. She told us happiness is not difficult to obtain if we find good in each and every one of us. She told us how a famous Islamic Study professor lived a simple life in a low cost house instead of a bungalow. Although he suffered from urinary retention for 2 months due to misdiagnosed, not only he didn't curse the doctors like most of us will do, he taught her that instead of requesting many things during prayer, we should be thanking the Almighty one in our prayer :) She shared how a poor man who lived on a tin of Jacob crackers offered her a cracker while a multi-millionaire with a gold-coated toilet bowl asked her for cheap medications. There was one time when she was in Singapore and the famous gangster taiko called them up in the middle of the night. When she realised it was just scrotal swelling, she felt frustrated because it was not urgent at all. Then when the patient told that he feared that the scrotum would burst, she realised that patients are not doctor, they do not know what is urgent or not and instead of being frustrated, we should be allying them of their fear. She also said that a patient became very depressed for one year after a prostate cancer screening test because the doctor didn't reassure him after the result came out and he kept thinking that he had cancer. She told us that there would come a time when we would hate our patients because of the demanding work loads and midnight calls but she reminded us that without patients, we would not have a job. Instead of putting up a long face, we should at least give the patient a smile and make the patient less miserable.

Before dropping us back to hostel, she was telling us how a prof told her that the key to a woman's success in a demanding medical career is having a good mother-in-law for there is no other better person than your mother-in-law who can control your husband. That way, you can focus on your career without worrying that your husband will have affair, your children are pretty much taken care of and your mother-in-law is happy since she is completely in charge of everything. And have a not-so-good-looking husband since he'll be nice to you :P Good looking guy are only for a few dates to boost up your ego. Haha :) But since not everyone is not that lucky, I would rather not get into relationship. Hehe :)

Next week, she would bring Dr Yoong from Klang Hospice to talk to us and perhaps we can have a chance to go home visit with him. Can't wait :)

I remember at the end of Paeds posting, Prof Lucy told us that we are all very lucky to have Dr Loh as our lecturer. Now, I can't help but agree with her. Thank you Dr for all the lunch, teachings, sharing, knowledge and advice :)

Mock OSCE next Tuesday. DIE :(

五月天-星空

摸不到的颜色

是否叫彩虹，

看不到的拥抱

是否叫做微风，

一个人

想着一个人

是否就叫寂寞。

好好听 :)

Same action, different ending...

2 different marriage proposals, 2 different endings...

Saw this on Facebook a few days back.

Awww... So sweet :) Sometimes I just don't know why people like to pour cold water on people and write all sorts of negative comments. Well, one will never understand everything. Wish them all the best and hope they can make everything work :)

Saw this right after my PPD exam.

Ouch... Love hurts. Especially when the whole world can see this. Well, hope he will stay strong and all the best to him.

Christina Perri-A Thousand Years (live version)

Very nice and sweet :)

Reminders to self...

Gahhh... PPD is killing me. My brain's memory is diminishing and yet there are so much more to telan :( I'd rather study all the systems and pathophysiology, more fun :)

So, that's it, 2011 waved goodbye to us and 2012 waved hello to us.

I'd been trying to think back of this past one year.

Thinking...

...

...

...

...

Yes, it's all blank.

One significant thing though. I'd passed my 2nd year and entered clinical year.

So far, it's been nice. I really enjoy going to ward and talking to patients especially the innocent kids :) Study wise, depressing. Time seems to be running out and there just seems to be no time to study AT ALL. Sigh... Online too much already, must control.

Broke down few weeks back. It was night time, SPM exam was around the corner, was pissed off by someone who let me carried all the responsibilities, printer didn't want to cooperate with me, busy editing the report and presentation slides which were not complete... I was alone in the room and all of the sudden, all the tears just broke loose. That was really the first time I broke down in a while. I felt lost and stupid at that time. I don't know whether I'm fit to be a doctor or not. People think that I'm like a superwoman but I'm not one at all. Study a bit a bit only and I'd been feeling very very tired recently. It's really affecting me and I'm actually very worried.

Sigh... Complaining doesn't make any difference. I just hope that I can have the strength to go through all these...

So, I guess there are just few things that I need to remind myself in this coming new year:

1. Stop criticizing people. You're not that good either. (Sorry to those that I'd complained about. Sometimes, I just don't think before I speak some words when I'm too frustrated.)

2. Be more hardworking. STOP sleeping!!!

3. Read the bible more. Pray more. There's no one like Him :)

4. Be grateful. Don't take things for granted.

5. Be more cheerful and responsive. You're not a block of wood.

6. Have faith and courage. He has His plan for me and I just need to be brave enough to follow.

One more thing though. During my birthday, my mom made a wish for me: Find a gentleman.

Funny how that comes from my mum - The one who'd been telling me that it's hard to find a nice guy so might as well not marry.

Seriously, I have no faith at all in this love thingy. Seeing married couples who are cold towards each other after many years of marriage just make my heart cold. I know there are some who make it work even after many years. Those are lucky people and luck has never always been by my side. I'm now single and I'm contended. No strings attached, no arguments and teary night and don't need to put my entire happiness at stake. If it doesn't work out, it's just too painful.

Well, I'm still young, never been in love before so I'm really not the right person to make all these statements. But I'm not that foolish girl who will allow myself to fall head to heels in love and end up in a cold relationship after years. No. It's sad to watch people like that and I certainly don't want to be a part of this. No way.

Oh well, I must stop thinking too much already. Happy new year, my faithful readers :)

黎谦&许哲珮-疯子

好好听哦 :) 不管是曲或词，都很特别，很美，很悲。好喜欢 :)

原版在这。

许哲珮-疯子