Falling...

I think I'm falling into the hole, again.

Fast fast climb back up before I fall deeper. Fast.

Ridiculous thoughts...

Suddenly thought of the choice I'd made. Voluntary or involuntary? I have no idea. 

Even if I want, it's not up to me to say anyway. 

Or perhaps one off day from work and I'm starting to think of all sorts of funny things. 

Back to my homework. Back to striving to become competent dr. 

The rest? I'll just leave it to Your hands. I just don't want to think about it or fall into a deep deep deep hole all over again. 

Turning off the stupid, ridiculous girl mode. 

Missing You...

I miss you all.

I really do.

It kind of hits me that I can no longer meet you all as easily as it used to be. But I believe absence will make the heart fonder.

And I only hope absence will not make us strangers.

Till the next time, my dear friends :)

You know who you are :)

Bubble...

If relationship is so unpredictable and no one really knows when will one change or return back to old self or not bother to acknowledge each other, taking granted of each other presence or even getting annoyed of each other, I'd rather live in my own bubble.

Don't tell me that I have to get hurt in order to be loved, don't tell me that perhaps I'll be lucky enough to avoid all heartaches, don't tell me that I have to find a company when I'm old.

It's too unpredictable. I do not want your history to repeat on me.

Just let me live my life and see how my life will turn out to be.

Me or The Other Me?

If the only way to your heart and have your friendship is to be a completely different person than who I am now, I don't think I'll do it. 

I'd rather you look through me and see what is inside of me and let you decide whether I'm worthy of that friendship. 

Till then, let's just be smiling friend - the one who smile at each other but never talk. 

Finally :)

After 5 years of sweat, tear, laughter and joy, we'd finally made it :)

Medical school has never been easy. Besides having to face with tonnes of never-ending knowledge and books, besides all the stress of classes and all, we still have to go through many emotional roller-coaster ride. 

The ride for the past 5 weeks had not been easy. Difficult case scenarios, not-so-good performance of what I can actually do and facing with extraordinary cases and struggling trying to save myself with the help of the kind lecturers I had. 

Now that everything is over, everything feels like a dream. 5 years had gone by, just like that, at a blink of eyes. I'm truly thankful to God for his blessings and guidance. Without Him, I'll never make it through these 5 years smoothly, I'd not grown to become a more mature lady and I'd not learned to appreciate all the ups and downs. 

Thank You. All glory, thanks and honour to You. With the title that has been given to me, I hope I'll be able to do much good and continue to grow stronger and more obedient. Thank You. 

Regrets...

I wish I'd done better than this but everything is over now, I can no longer change what had happened.

I'm greatly disappointed with myself but I can only sit here and pray and hope that everything will be ok, although I know there's a high chance that it'll not.

I don't know whether I can face the music next week.

In the mean time, let me just release all the emotions that I'd been suppressed for the past 5 weeks...

Thanks :')

This 5 years has been a journey full of ups and downs. 

I gained a lot and at the same time, I lost a lot too. 

One of the things that will remain in my heart is the friendships that I've got here. I may not have tonnes of them but those few are the one that I appreciate much and those are the ones that will be in my heart forever. 

Thanks, my dear :) Many thanks for always being there, when I was in good mood and also when I was in cranky mood. Thanks for understanding me so well, thanks for putting up to my quirk and thanks for making me feel like I belong, somehow :)

You're all gift from God and I'm blessed to have you all in my life :)

Thanks :)

1 more day to go. Saving up my tears and hope I'll perform my best tomorrow. 

Dragging Myself Up...

The start of a new day.

And yet, it's still traumatising.

No, I won't blame the examiners. It's my fault. I could do it but I didn't.

2 more days. All I can do is to hope for the best. And I know my parents are probably worried sick ever since I said that "things are not going well".

Hold the tears. Leave then to the weekends. I have to keep going.

Thank You Lord for the blessing and Your grace. I know I am blessed but sorry that I'm such a disappointment.

Apologies...

I'm sorry....

I got the best, the one that everyone wishes for, the one that everyone is dying for and the one that will help everyone.

Yet, I screwed it all up. I didn't get a single one correct. I was told off there and then.

I don't know whether I can make it through. I don't know whether I am worth making through. I don't know whether I deserve it.

I'm sorry. I truly am. And yet, I can't forgive myself. No, I can't.

Keep Going...

As hard as it seems, as difficult as it is to do, I'm just going to keep moving on. The last week has been physically and mentally exhaustive. The nauseating sensation, the frightful feeling that scared me up early in the morning after 3-4 hours of sleep, the lack of appetite and having to force myself to eat (thank God for the new eating spot with very decent food). 

He has already brought me to this far. Without Him, a shy, soft spoken girl like me would never had made it to this step. Thank You, thank You :) I'm just going to try my best, suppress all my fear and anxiety and be confident. 

Outside and Inside...

I may appear to be calm but deep down, I'm feeling miserable.

The worst feeling is that I know that I can do much better than this but I let my nervousness got a hold on me. It's unforgivable actually. After going through many exams, the nervousness will always be the same and it'll always be there. 

One more week to go and I really hope things will go well...

Thank You :)

Thoughts...

Stop thinking about what I'd done.

Concentrate on what I can do next.

That's the only mantra I'm telling myself over and over again. If not, I'm going to drown in deep pool of regrets...

Thank You :)

PS: The last few moments of waiting outside the cubicle and waiting for exam to commence was hard. Prof Y came and checked on us and said softly: "You have come this far. Trust yourself and stay calm. You can do it. All the best." And she tapped my shoulder and it was at that moment I realised that she was talking to us. Then Dr A came: "You have studied so hard for the past 5 years. You will know the answers. Good luck." Those were not the exact words as I was too nervous to realise that they were trying to calm us down until the last word =.= Thinking about it now touches my heart really deep. Thanks Prof, thanks Dr :') And thanks to Dr M who gave a tutorial, right after I finished, on how to do a proper defibrillation and reassured me that I'd passed that station :) 

Ok? Not...

It was ok. 

I felt quite ok then at the very last minute, I realised I missed out something. Few hours later, I realised I missed out an important aspect. 

Sigh...

Moving on the next. The real challenge is coming up. 

Hoping for the best...

Thank You :') Although I may not be deserving... 

Miserable Start...

It was not a very good start. 

I felt and still feel miserable.

But there's no turning back, I still have to keep my chin up and go through the next one. 

PS: Had lunch with Dr Loh and found out that they are organising a thalassaemia day again but it's a day before result day. Thalassaemia camp is my fondest memory in medical school and I really really really hope I can help out again before I leave. But how will my mood be then? Hmmm... Anyway, thanks a lot dr for the timely advise and encouragement :')

Thank You :')

Derealisation...

It's up. 

Tomorrow. 

The final run. 

Pray that we'll all go through smoothly. 

If I'd ever offended any of you, please accept my apologies from the bottom of my heart. I'm just a normal human being, full of emotion and being led by my own principles of life. 

Thank You for bringing me this far. It's You and only You that a small, shy girl like me can go out of my comfort zone and break out of my cocoon, even just a little. Thank You :)

2nd Last Day...

It's the 2nd last day.

And my brain is still as resonant as ever *gulp*

Praying for the best...

Thank You :')

The Journey...

Today, a dear friend had an encounter which left a deep impression in her and we talked about this journey we are on. 

I thought of the time I'd been here. I have to admit, sometimes, I did get lost, somehow. It's a constant battle between being a robot and scoring high marks in exam vs having a heart but doing average in exam. I tend to lean towards the second though some of my colleagues look down on that. 

The conversation brought me back on track though. 

I still remember once when I was in the ward till late evening. Before I left, I dropped by a Malay grandmother's room to say goodbye. She had been in the ward for almost 1 month and she missed being home for Hari Raya. Hence, she was rather upset and restless so I tried to check on her everyday. She was with her husband who dotes on her. The moment I entered, they treated me with a hearty dinner. I tried to reject but they wouldn't take "no". That was one of the fondest memories I had here. Despite the race differences, they were very kind towards me. I was truly touched. 

There was another incident whereby an elderly lady who is from Johor had to be admitted in the ward. She had no one except her daughter-in-law and 2 grandsons who couldn't accompany her during the weekdays. She told me about her illness and her lost. I couldn't bear to see her alone so I would drop by every evening before I leave to chat with her for a while. She recalled fondly of another doctor who would constantly nag her to take her medications and take care of herself (I realised later that the dr was my buddy!). Every time I left, she would thank me with the grateful look that I'll never forget. 

There was also another instant when I met this angry-looking elderly lady. She called me over and asked me to help her with her food. Then she started telling me her stories. Boy, she is such a sweet lady. Every time I passed by, she would called me over and hold my hands and before I leave, she'd give me a big hug.

There were many more instances and they will always be in my memories. Paediatric posting had been my favourite posting by far (though it's the most scary and tough one) because all the lecturers care very much for their patients. I remember how Prof Lucy will stay on till late night just to make sure her critically-ill patients are alright. She would spend hours with them and I'd never heard her complain, not even once. And of course, my dear mentor, Prof S who has one of the biggest heart on top of having a vast knowledge. 

Thanks for being an inspiration for me, my dear lecturers, my dear colleagues and all the dear patients whom I had come across throughout this journey. 

I hope I'll never forget the reason that brought me to this journey. I do not wish to become a robot. All I want is to be a competent human being with a heart. 

仁 －永远别忘了当初的初衷...

A Little Boy and I :)

Met an adorable little boy in the elevator.

Me: Where're your eyes?
Little Boy: *blink blink blink*

I melted there and then :)

Thank You :)

Roller-Coster Ride...

From derealisation

To emotional

And lastly, zombie.

Does this look like family portrait to you? It's drawn by me, again, accidentally.
It's funny yet agonising to realise that in this dire situation, I no longer think of myself. The person who came to mind frequently are my parents. It's already the last lap, I can't bring myself to let them down. I really can't... 

Fly...

Will I be able to fly away in time? Or will my ill-polished wings hinder me from going to the next lap of journey?

PS: That was drawn by me, accidentally. I still don't know how a few lines became a cartoon-like thingy. 

I really don't know whether I can take it anymore. T.T

Doubts...

Sigh...

Will I ever make it through this...

主题曲...

卢广仲－大人中


远方 远方 哪里才是远方
原来爱人不在身边 就叫远方 远方
还好我爱的人永远住在我心脏

长大后谁不是离家出走 茫茫人海里游
抬起头才发现 流眼泪的星星正在放弃我
请拥抱我 万一我不小心坠落

长大后我们都离家出走 茫茫人海里游
抬起头才发现 流眼泪的星星正在看着我
他说：加油 让我为你感到光荣

雨过天晴凉凉的 我不用再担心什么
那些花都怒放了 爱人的人获得自由

我的感想 我想要的结局

Words...

9GAG I wish I were prettier, thinner, happier, more friendly, less emotional, more tan (fairer actually), more confident, and a little less awkward.

Saw this on twitter. Ouch...

Anyway, what I'd learned from recent events: Words are powerful tools, it can be used to build or destroy. Please be more considerate and ethical. 

DhesiBahaRaja We vaccinate for a reason. Thx to ANTI-VAX grp, now New York has outbreak of MEASLES wic considered eliminated long back. #measles #NYC

How words spread and cause fear for vaccination and endanger our children. Besides, it's a campaign run by celebrity and it's sad that people would rather listen to her and think that the heath care team are all trying to dig money out of people's pocket. You say that vaccinations are harmful but how often it is that you hear of complications? Sure, children grow up just fine without it but what if infections start to spread? Do you mind reading on herd immunity? We have a chance to help the vulnerable lots defend themselves from these disease but you'll not allow us to do so. It's not just a normal cough or cold, it's something which can kill our children. Even if it did not happen, they will be left with terrible sequelae. Is that how you protect your children? 

And there's another write-up on The Time saying that ADHD does not exist and people become reliant with the stimulants. Thanks for making people think that psychiatrists are making up diagnosis for our children. Some children do need help and it's unfair for adults to belief in words blindly and deprive our children of the chance of sorting out their issues so that they can make full use of their potential. And, oh, no, people don't consult the psychiatrist when they read the article because, as I'd pointed out, doctors are all conn men full of selfish self interest. 

Oh, you heard about the incident in which the mother passed away due to an eventful home birth? Some people are good in words and are very persuasive. It's so persuasive until one fall into their ripples of thoughts and close their heart and minds towards other advices. Everyone wants "natural". Fair enough, births are usually uneventful. But can we ever predict when will things go wrong?

Once upon a time, children passed away due to infectious disease. Once upon a time, happily pregnant mothers passed away due to birth complications. People identified these issues, studied these problems, found solutions for these avoidable deaths. However, looking at recent events, people seem to be moving backward in time by doubting all treatments and interventions and claiming physicians as money-centered who will do anything for money.   

Seeing all the articles being shared around on social network, especially those who are not in the medical field, seeing all the comments written to support these articles, seeing how they shared their bad experience in health care, seeing how they refute all the treatments and interventions, my heart really bleed. 

Arrrggghhh, I really must take a break from writing. How irony it is that whenever I'm focusing on my studies, words keep on flowing and forming sentences in my mind... Focus, focus, it's already the 2nd week... 

Then and Now...

Flashback to 2009, before I was accepted in, every time my dad drove by the hospital, I looked at it and wondered whether my application will be accepted. I longed to be in there but I had doubts as well. 

Fast forward to 2014, before the moment of truth, I find myself looking up from the books and look at the hospital right next to me and wonder whether I will be able to leave this place on time with pride. 

Another 2 weeks to go... Hoping for the best... 

疯狂...

友人说：趁年轻，我们该尝试些疯狂的事。

我说：进入医学是我这一生最疯狂的事。

下一回会是什么呢？结局会是如何呢？往日的旅程会有什么惊喜呢?

只能做好当下，拭目以待吧。

Hope...

One party is relieved by the timing of the incident. The other is all tied-up because of this incident. However, when it comes to disaster or catastrophe, is there such a thing as good or bad timing? 

Everyone is edgy, no matter one is involved or not. Sooner or later, when the edginess gets to one, one either faces it calmly or converts it to anger. And that's when everyone starts blaming everyone, rumours are being spread like forest-fire and one just follows blindly without thinking twice or giving any thoughts. 

In times like this, be it skin colour, religion, race, nationality or political differences, unity is what will give us strength and comfort. 

Why don't we all just keep the finger to ourselves, put our hands together and say a prayer? Worst case scenario is to be expected but hopes and miracles are what we can hope and pray for. In the least, a comfort for the hurt and injured soul. No more speculations, assumptions and bad-mouthing as these do no good but inviting more hurt to those who are already grieving. 

Hope is a powerful thing, no matter how thin or how faint it is. Don't crush it with your inconsideration. 

Pray for MH370. 

The Last?

Life is too fragile. 

The minute you bid farewell, you'll never know whether it's the last. 

One says: Hug while you're able, love while you can. 

It's so easy to say yet so difficult to do. We're after all imperfect human beings, surrounded by our ego and pride. 

But what if it's the last? 

I can't imagine the emotional turmoil that the loved ones have to face in despair time like this. Pacing around impatiently, breaking down in tears, closing their eyes while saying prayers over and over again, all in the hope of seeing their loved ones again, or at least have some news about them. 

I'm sorry that this has to happen. It was only Friday night when I looked up to the sky and saw an airplane and I told my friend that I wish I'm in that plane, flying off to an unknown place, relax my body and soul, instead of facing THE final. Then the next day, I was struck with news of the mishap. 

Praying for the passengers, crews and their loved ones. Pray that you'll have the strength to go through this turmoil. Hope that there'll be news soon.  

The Ups and Downs...

There has been ups and downs for the past years.

What I'd noticed is that, whenever an up comes by, a down will follow suit.

Honestly, I'm shaking and trembling now, worrying about the all-time-low, especially at this crucial and critical moment.

What will happen in a month plus time? I have no idea.

Guess I'll find out soon.

The time has come. Ok, maybe not officially now, but it's still around the corner.

Guess what I can do now is to do my best and pray for the best...

Words...

孙燕姿－天使的指纹


作词：林夕
静悄悄 乱纷纷
都输给了时间 却没有辜负青春

他诚恳 才不让你等
你失落了黄昏 却换来平静夜深

众里寻人
错爱只是为真爱作证
所谓魔鬼留下的伤横 都是天使的指纹

灯火阑珊 何必急于看到那个人
能睡得安稳都只因为 那盏还没开的灯

亮晶晶 黑沉沉

开了窗 关上门
谁给了你寂寞 寂寞还给你新生

谁的吻 都值得感恩
泪淋洗了欲望 笑却雕琢了皱纹

最初总坚持只以为是的缘分
最后才顺其自然看花开无声
离开你那个人
同时释放了你 你为何不转身

众里寻人 错爱只是为真爱作证
每次告别留下的伤痕 都是天使的指纹

灯火阑珊
你急着要看到那个人 他也在寻找你的身影
你也让别人在等

Just when I thought I knew what to expect from my favourite lyricist, he wrote this and every words and lines blew my mind away.

This is definitely one of my favourites :)

Dear Memories...

I still remember the day when you talked to me. You, being one of THE guy, THE one that everyone knows, THE one that everyone wants to make friend. I'd heard of you, of course, I'd seen you before but I'd never talked to you. Not that I was one of those girls who look at you from far, I was just being me, burying my head into books, hanging on to the few close friends who truly understand me, never thought of venturing out or being in some 'popular' cliche. 

Then the day came. I was standing at the farthest corner after completing my role, lost in my own thoughts, thinking of all the vivid dreams I had, putting all the pieces together, plotting my own stories. I blended into the background and no one realised I was there. Then you came and said "Hi, am I interrupting anything?". 

I still remember your smiley face, the warmth in your voice and the sincerity. You were the first to call me by my name even though no one did because my name was so difficult to pronounce. You listened to what I had to say and you gave an interested look. Even when there were others around, you still gave me all your attention. 

We started becoming friends. You seemed happy to see me or bumped into me. When I was not around, you noticed my absence. When charming, popular girls were around, your attention never swayed. You were genuinely interested in my thoughts. All of a sudden, I felt that I mattered, somehow. 

I was not sure whether I was smitten. I knew that I wanted to see you. Every time you came around, I smiled. I was young and naive then. I looked up to you. I felt that I had someone who cared. I started thinking of you as a brotherly figure, although my friends told me it was more than that. I was not sure, neither am I now. 

Everything was short-lived though. We parted ways few months later. I wanted to keep in touch but you seemed to have so many people around you. You were so close with everyone, I was not sure whether I should go on dropping messages or saying hi. I did not want to initiate anything as I was afraid that I would become a nuisance to you and you never did so I left it just there with the memories kept in the bottom of my heart. 

I'd come to realise that you were just being you, the friendly one, the caring one, the funny one. You had treated me like how you would treat everyone else and there's nothing special about it. I was the one who had never received such attention and I somehow got carried away with my own longing thoughts. 

I am not hurt though and there are no regrets. Your friendship was one of the best I had and I thank you for that. I might be someone you had met once upon a time and it might be just that. I don't expect anything more than that. It might be a short one but thank you for making me feel special. Thank you for giving me a hand. Thank you for making me feel I am not just another wallpaper. I think you still remember me but I doubt I'm in that "important people" list. 

If I ever see you again, I know you'll give me a warmth smile again and say "hey, long time no see." Until then, thanks for the friendship we once had.

All the best and God bless. And congrats for achieving your dream. 

Dawen 王大文－美丽

Don't know why, the first time I heard the melody, you came into my mind after many many many years...

Footprints...

It's always after a long journey, when you turn back and look at the length of road that you'd travelled, and you realised whose footprints were always beside yours. 

Thanks for the companionship throughout this long journey. We might have fought, we might have quarrelled, we might have had disagreement but we still remain strong. Will it go on from there? Guess only time and another long journey ahead will tell. 

Thank You for always being there looking after me throughout this journey, made me fall and made me learn how to stand on my both feet again. 

Thank You also for this path. I might have been upset at the beginning of this journey as I thought I deserve much more. Now I know, this path is a blessing and it worths much more than the other one which only looks good on the outside. Thank You.

Have a blessed New Year :) 

小鸭的自白...

有人曾经告诉我

女大十八变

若你要我现在形容我自己

我的答案会和十年前一样

至于十年后

或许也会一样吧

也许

一些事早已注定了

怎样也改变不了吧

梦...

其实
我有一个梦

我想成为一位说故事的人
借文字
血淋淋地淘出人的心
把内心的酸楚狠狠地挤出来

也同时
借文字
安抚伤痕累累的心灵
把碎成千万片的心补回

很可惜
识字不多
文笔肤浅
造诣不深
无能力拾荒
只好借用这首歌
弥补心中的梦

林宥嘉-拾荒

将沉默暗淡的疤
渲染出鲜艳的画
好让渴望 得以靠近希望

The Unsolved Questions...

Someone asked me: What is love? How do you know you have found THE ONE?

THE one million dollar questions. The questions that everyone has different perspective, opinions, views...

How did 2 strangers meet, become friends, fall in love, take a vow, stay together? For me, it is still one of life's biggest mysteries. Hmmm...

No, I don't have the answer for you. I don't expect much and I'm comfortable just the way I am now.

The Last Part by The Ming Thing


This has got my tears to fall and of course, it pulled me into spirals of thoughts. It's beautiful. It's something that people hope and wish for. But what's the odd of happy ending, anyway? 

Is it The Right Time to Grow Up?

Back to Paeds ward in Banting. 

Saw a little Indian girl who had been diagnosed with asthma. 

Sitting next to her was her 13-year-old brother. 

He might be young but I could see a brotherly + fatherly figure in him.

He was in a t-shirt and jeans but he had a serious look. He talked with a maturity which was beyond his age. He spoke fluently in English with confidence and certainty. I could have sworn that he's 18 instead. 

Then I found out the truth. Their father passed away 3 years back. His mother was busy juggling with job and being the eldest, the care of his sister ultimately went to him.

I felt proud of him of his ability to cope. Yet, I felt sad for him. At such a tender young age, he had to carry the weight of the burden and the responsibility. 

All the best, young boy. Pray for you and your sister. Hope that you'll do well. 

For once, the routine of presentation was broken. For once, with awe yet sorrow I said this "The history was obtained from the girl's 13-year-old elder brother who is one of the main caregiver..."

What I'd Learned...

路遥知马力
日久见人心

Ice Theory...

Ice...

It looks solid, unbreakable. 

But once it is exposes to heat, it starts to melt and becomes a water mess. 

The heart in it, will it withstand the heat and stays as one or will it melt away with heat?

Hmmm...