想家...

很想很想家


每一次接近考试都是这样
承受不了压力
就有一股冲动想跑回家逃避

第一次面对失败是在大学一年级
虽然只是小考
但还是很失望

第一个大考来临时
本以为能冷静地面对
反正从小
考试对我来说都只是小儿科

那时上完最后一堂课
回到房后
开始喘气
心噗嗵噗嗵地跳
眼泪不断地掉下

当时不管了
直接把衣服往包包里丢
到处问路
迷迷糊糊到了火车站
在大大的KL Sentral里盲目地找票站

买了车票后
坐着等火车时
就打了电话回家
哭着跟妈妈说我在回家旅程

回想起
上天真的对我很好
很难得火车那天准时到站
恰巧父母当天也没预期地到芙蓉或马六甲
二小时半后
我就到家了

现在的我独自一个人在宿舍里
室友在最后一分钟回家了
好多人也早已回家了
剩下我一个人在这里
面对着一叠一叠的书
与刚冒出的URTI symptoms。。。

好想好想家。。。

林宥嘉-越反越爱


越反越爱
越听越爱

Reminiscence...

It has been almost a year. 

In addition of books, we spent a year with patients; clerking them ,examining them... Some are nice, some gave advises to us, some closed their eyes the moment they saw us, some shooed us away...

A year may seem long but for us here, it passes like a rocket. Everything is fast and furious, study like crazy,  go shopping like crazy (at least for me...), sit for exam 2 monthly, write furiously during exam, heart lup-dup non-stop when doing long cases/short cases with Profs/senior Drs. Different dr, different technique, different style, different teaching method. Different student, different study method, different personality, different degree of kiasu-ness. 

Started with O&G. I'd always thought that I'll love it but it was just ok for me. There was no special feeling or whatsoever. Started our week with Prof Eugene and continued 3 weeks with Dr Valli. Both are very knowledgeable :) I do love to palpate mummy's tummy though. It's great to feel the foetus in the uterus :)

Our first lab outing.

Moved on to 1 month of Primary Care medicine. Different dr every day, then different rotation for the last 2 weeks. Got embarrassed for not able to perform cranial nerve examination properly as I'd just started. The one I love the most would be the Maternal and Child Health Section. Every morning, without fail, I'd stared at all the children and smiled widely as I signed my attendance :)

2nd outing after PCM posting.

Then it's time for Paediatrics. Strict but nice dr. Realised I do like children. But I'm still not very sure whether I'm able to handle them. Irritated one of the dr and then I started to doubt my skill. Hmmm...

With Prof Lucy and Dr Shekhar. 

Next, it's medicine. 2 different dr for 2 different month and we did a lot of adapting. First month was very laid back. I got to go for home visit as well as had some exposure to palliative medicine. Then the next dr came and we had to cope with his high expectations. But he is good. He is really good. 

With our first medical dr, Dr Loh.

With Dr Chong, the very knowledgeable nephrologist. The other groups are jealous of us :P

Next was surgery. Not to say that I hate it, I didn't love it as compared to medical and paeds postings. 

With our first surgeon, Prof Law.

Our 3rd surgeon, Dr Khaidir.

Had CRP in the middle of surgical posting. Spend 2 weeks in Kluang, Johor. Did house-to-house interview in Kampung Baru and got rejected a lot :( Did thematic project and as the editor, the stress fell to me eventually and I recovered partially 1 month after that. 

With Dr Victor after we won 2nd for our thematic presentation.

Last but not least, the 2nd medical posting. This time, 3 drs took us. 2 for 2 weeks and 1 for the last 1 month. All 3 are new drs and my group is their first batch of student. All are responsible, willing to share and teach and most of all, their skills and knowledge wowed us a lot.

With Dr Lim, the youngest of all, another very knowledgeable nephrologist.

As in today, 27th of July, I had my last ward round. Now it's time to prepare for end-of-posting test and the worst, final exam. Just pray that I'll make it. Time to work extra extra extra hard. All the best everyone :)

Match-stick Figures :)

Phew...

What a week. Too much of emotions involved and days of mood swing. Bad bad me. 

Realised one thing though. Match-stick figures are the only thing that I'm capable of drawing. And in desperate situations, match-stick figures save my life :P Very very much cacat but well, what can you expect from a medical student who have no sense of arts? :P

Match-stick figure no.1. See, stomach also cannot draw properly.

Match-stick figure no.2 with some funny-looking organs

Heard a scenario in the ward about a medical student regarding his/her lack of basic medical science. I really need to buck up. Dr L is right, we are very very very lucky to be studying medicine in this university where teachings are properly conducted with dedicated and enthusiastic lecturers. I do not want to end up as a med student/dr whom medical sciences are very much limited and going around with a license to kill. It'll be a waste of time, effort, resources and money. 

戴佩妮-光着我的脚丫子

Very sweet and cute song :) 

Must stay away from emo songs. I need cheerful songs to boost up my mood :) I do not want to end up as another depressed med student... 

PS: I do think and care too much. Luckily relationship is something that I refuse to dwell on. Too much of emotions involved. Too difficult to handle. Salute those who are brave enough to take up the challenge and stay forever and ever :)

勉强幸福

纯粹想要分享这首歌

很少遇到我很欣赏的歌手

第一次听他的歌是在考试前夕

那时反复的听

每一首歌都唱进心里

听得眼泪不知觉得掉下.

这首勉强幸福

第一次听还好

过后边听歌，边看歌词

眼眶都湿了

心也酸了.

勉强的幸福

难道幸福吗？

林宥嘉-勉强幸福


PS: Someone send me this message: "I saw your family photo. Your sister is really prettier than you leh." Ouch, just because I grew up with these comments from guys, and just because I'm used to it, doesn't mean I won't be hurt by comments like this. Guys... All are insensitive creatures...

Dilemma...

When I entered med school, many seniors and lecturers said med school is not easy. You need to make sure that you really want to do this. You really need to motivate yourself frequently. If not, you'll get carried away when the stress comes and you will not know how to handle it. 

And that's what I'd been doing recently. Motivating myself. Reminding myself why I chose med school. Why I want to do this. What are my purposes behind all these. It's not easy, especially after Dr L who graduated in 2007 told us that failing exam was unheard of during his time. And I wonder what is wrong with us. Lecturers blame us, some lecturers blame us and their fellow colleagues. And then the name and maruah of university come into place and we are blamed for menjatuhkan nama and maruah and of course, the standard and quality of the top university. 

Anyway, the past one week has been a normal week with some dramas here and there. 

First of all, we have a new medical lecturer. He is an ex-graduate who refused to tell us the year of  his graduation and this is his first time teaching students. He has an entirely different method of teaching and he's slightly more particular when it comes to examination technique. That reminded me of the first day of class, when I became the guinea pig and it ended badly with corrections everywhere and smirks on some fellow colleagues face. Well, not everyone enjoys his teachings. Classes will end with comments here and there. Sometimes the comments are quite hurtful. Especially when it is related to the way he dresses, blah blah blah. I choose to keep quiet. True, his teaching method is different but I respect him. He is willing to teach and he is willing to come in the afternoon to give us classes. For that, I respect him. He is also very gentle towards patients and he does talk nicely and informing the patients before laying a finger on them. From him, I can see a passionate medical student when he was my age. He is willing to answer our questions and he is always prompting us to visit the clinic, unit instead of just staying in the ward. I really don't think it's right to comment about his dressing and teasing him at the back for he is truly a responsible educator. It's even harder when I'm the minority in the group and everyone else is doing that so I remain silent to avoid conflict. 

However, I was left frustrated on Thursday. There was a young, fragile, timid-looking Malay teenager in the ward. She has a history of rheumatic heart disease. This time, it might have been complicated with infective endocarditis. Of course, many many many group of students went to examine her. Being a young, fragile, timid girl, she didn't say no. She just sat there quietly. After many many groups, my group brought dr to her. Then the dr chose a male colleague to do the full CVS examination. At one point, when her shirt was almost removed (prompted by dr since she didn't say no at all), she screamed and said no. We respected her and the male colleague went on with the examination with her shirt on. All the girls in the group noticed that she's almost crying throughout the examination. Yet, she held her tears. After examination, before we discussed about the findings, someone asked about the schedule for the next day but he said he'd come to that later after we're done with the girl. Yet, the one who asked pressed on and the discussion started with the girl sitting there clueless. One of my female colleague interrupted the discussion and asked for the discussion to be done outside. We quickly discussed about the girl's condition and left the girl alone. All the girls stayed back and comforted the girl for she started crying when the dr left. The geram part was, none of the guys noticed her distress. All they cared about was the murmur. They saw our frustrated face and kept on pressing us what was wrong and we were even more geram. Insensitive guys, a young lady is tormented with the fact that guys are touching her chest for the sake of examination. It was so apparent but their mind was fixed at the murmur only. 

At the same time, there's a lady diagnosed with myelofibrosis in the ward. Just like the textbook description, she has massive splenomegaly. This lady is in the isolation ward and she's just started her chemotherapy. Meaning, the patient is immuno-compromised. Before that, dr did tell us that we should not touch patient who is on chemo for their immune system is suppressed and we'd be the one who is spreading the infections to them. My fellow colleague wanted to examine her but I refused to do so. He went on without me. I was fortunate to meet an elective student who brought me to a nice gentleman with aortic regurgitaiton and showed me all the signs. He knew about the lady and he refused to examine her as well. On Friday, I told the colleague who examined the lady my opinion. He took it very lightly. He said it's not everyday that you can palpate a massive spleen and he used the hand sanitiser before touching her. It's as if infection is not a problem as long as he gets to palpate the spleen. I continued by demonstrating that if his mother was the one lying there, will he like it if someone else did the same thing to his mother? Much to my dismay, he said:"Touch wood, touch wood, don't curse my mother like that lah. Are you trying to say that she will get myelofibrosis?". Fine, I kept my comments and my frustrations to myself. 

I don't understand. I thought the first rule in medicine is to do no harm. I'm constantly in dilemma. These people make me feel like I don't care about the spleen. They make it sound like I don't care about the knowledge by not going to palpate the spleen. They make me feel like a bad and lazy student. However, shouldn't knowledge obtained without harming or putting the patients at risk? I don't understand how they can close their eyes towards the risk and look at the patient as if she's nothing but a freaking spleen. I don't understand. 

Sigh... Maybe I care too much. I need to remind myself another thing. Compassion is nothing if you don't have the knowledge. Why can't osmosis work? I fall asleep on top of my books every night without me realising and yet, osmosis didn't happen also. Sigh... 

PS: In no way I'm trying to bad-mouth my colleagues. They are all amazing, smart and hardworking people and I'm thankful for I had learned a lot from them and they had given me supports and laughter throughout. These are just small events and like I say, maybe I care and think too much.

PS: Read my previous posts and I couldn't help but laughed at my naive-ness, childishness and emo-ness. By the way, I won't give up that easily even after all the criticisms. I will still take on the role of leader if I was chosen again and I'll improve myself. But no way I'm giving up that easily. 

I may look small but I'm determined not to let people look down on me. 

Tears in the Hospital...

It's been about a year and tears are no longer stranger to me.

The first time I saw a patient passed away and tears were seen on the family members' face. My group mate could not stand the scene and was very much affected by the scene. I thought I'd be affected but it didn't happen. I stood there, watched the scene unfold in front of me and moved on. My lack of emotion did scare me and I felt heartless.

Few times, I'd seen family members crying and shouting. There were scenes where the family members came back to the ward and scolded all the doctors they could get their hands on after their loved-one passed away. 

Besides anger, there were appreciation as well. I remember once when I was flipping through the case file, 2 family members were asking the specialist about their family member and at the end of it, they sincerely thanked the Dr for everything they had done and they mentioned that they appreciate everything. 

However, hospital is a place comprises of many people, not just the patients and family members.

There were moments when I witnessed junior drs being scolded by the superior so badly that they looked almost like they were going to cry. There were times when patients encouraged me to stay strong because they had seen many young drs being scolded in front of them. 

I had my fair share of teary moments too. Those were tears of disappointment after performing badly. Usually, I controlled the tears and right after class, I'd run away from the crowd and back to my room. I refuse to show my weakness in front of my colleagues especially in the ward and in front of patients because I believe I have to be professional. Patients are already suffering from their disease and there is no need for them to see tears from medical students like me. Being reprimanded from lecturers may be embarrassing but we are dealing with patient's life and there is a need to be professional and competent. I'm just very much disappointed with myself for my lack of competency. 

Few days back, when I was in the elevator, I saw a student from another university squatting down and crying in the packed elevator. Part of me wanted to comfort her but I have no idea what happened so I held back and reflected upon myself. 

Now, with exam coming soon, emotions are even harder to control. Tears of frustration, disappointment and fear are all fighting to come out from my eyes. With people constantly psycho-ing you directly and indirectly, it's even worst. Yet, there're times when there're no emotion at all and that's the scariest part. I try to go on with my routine but fear is always at the back of my mind. With many things going on, I just want to make it through smoothly. 

To the children who put a smile on my face, although you may not know it, thank you for relieving my stress temporarily :)

To Him who is always there, thank You :) 

陈慧恬-管理时间的人

好有意思的本地创作歌曲

当我们觉得没人理会我们时

请不要放弃

也许时间还没到

只要有点耐心

该来的都会来

Mindfulness...

Mindfulness...

I was told about this few months back but I never register it in my mind.

And now it's coming back to haunt me.

No point of regretting now...

压力...

考试只剩区区的一个月
上课第一天就犯错了
两个星期前也是一样犯错了
我还能撑得住吗
还是我已不行了
还是我已走错了路...

葡萄...

有人说我
尝不到葡萄
就说葡萄酸

我想说
我看过别人摘下葡萄
想也不想地放进嘴里
到最后被酸味弄哭了

不是因尝不到而说它酸
而是很确定它是酸的
不想折磨自己
宁可不受诱惑
不嫉妒他人
不渴望
置葡萄于千里外

再说
葡萄只长在一些地方
若放下葡萄这牵挂
就能不受约束地
到更大更阔的世界探索

徐佳瑩-惧高症

好好听的一首歌
词也写得很美

但倘若一个女生克服了恐惧
不停地攀登高处
往下看时
发现原地一个人都没
答应与她一起在高处欣赏夜景的人也不见了
她还会愿意往高处爬吗?

包容...

包容
说易不易
说难不难

不同人有不同的想法
不同的观念
不同的意见

很多时候
大家都不赞同彼此
一谓觉得自己是对的
别人是错的

但当我们站在那人的立场想时
往往发现那人不是完全的错
只是大家都是截然不同的人
都以不一样的角度看同一件事

学会包容
放下自己的自尊与傲慢
冷静地想想
自己或许也有错的一方

包容
若它不再存在
友谊不会产生
情人不会有结果
世上还会有爱吗？

Glee-Shake It Out


The thing that strikes me most of this song is the lyrics.

'And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa'

P.S Happy birthday, my dear friend :) Just want you to know, it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so just shake him off. 

Tolerance Level...

It's been a week

And I feel weak

I wonder how long can I go by each day like this...

Regretting for not having the courage the learn when I have the chance...

Birdy-Skinny Love

Nice one :)