Racism...

Attended cg which was on Merdeka day.
Am currently involved in Countdown Kemerdekaan.

Throughout all these, the one thing that kept coming to my mind is racism.

I grew up in a small town where most people's mentality differ from mine. Both my parents are teacher. When I was young, before entering primary school, whenever there was school holiday, my parents would brought us to Kota Tinggi. There, we would spend days with an Indian family. My parents were very close to them and the family was very nice to us. Although I don't remember much of what we did there but I do remember that we enjoyed our time there.

When I was in kindergarden, thanks to my English-speaking parents, I could converse quite ok in English. Although there were a few kindergardens back home, most of them are mostly Chinese-speaking with a lot of Chinese kids. My parents send me to a kindergarden in a Catholic church where most of the non-Chinese attend. Almost everyone used English there and since my English was ok, I had no problem mixing with the other kids.

When it was time for me to enter primary school, my parents decided that Chinese is important. My dad was from a Chinese school and all of my relatives can only speak Chinese. My mum didn't have a chance to learn Chinese when she was young. Because of these, they send me to Chinese school. Throughout the six years there, I never interacted with people other than Chinese. The only time that I did was during festival seasons where my parents would bring us to their colleagues' open house. Even in school bus, I would not sit with the other races. I no longer spoke English. I used Chinese most of the time, even with my mum whom I used to communicate in English. I was so used to an all-Chinese environment that I didn't have to speak other languages besides Chinese and I didn't make any initiative to mix with the other races.

The moment came when I was going to enter secondary school. My parents didn't want to send me to a Chinese school anymore, especially my mum. She didn't want me to grow up in an all-Chinese environment. As much as Chinese is important, she thinks English is important. Furthermore, my mum doesn't like the mentality of most Chinese. In the end, I entered kebangsaan school. My class was a mixture of Chinese, Malay and Indian and since I was there, I started to mix with them. They also started to talk to me when my mum mentioned our relationship when she first entered our class. Most of my Indians and some of my Malays classmates came from a educated, middle and slightly upper-class family. Thus, they are fluent in English. I started to speak in English and mixed with them. Throughout my 5 years them, conflicts occurred between me and the Chinese. My relationship with the Chinese turned from normal to slightly-sour. There was just so much difference between me and the other Chinese. I found it hard to mix with them anymore. The only Chinese that I was closed to are those English-speaking ones too and most of them are guys. Whenever there was class events, I would be the one of the few Chinese who attend. They were very nice to me. While the Chinese thought that I was proud, fat, ugly, short and whatever else they talked about at my back, the others thought that I was willing to share and teach and they never said that I was fat and ugly. After so long, I truly tasted the sweetness of friendship.

During my one year in matrik, I seldom mixed with Chinese. I felt awkward with them and I didn't know how to communicate with my own race anymore. I was very close with the Malay there. Even they are surprised of how a Chinese girl could mix well with them. I spend a lot of time with them and they were very friendly and nice towards me. I was very happy.

After entering university, things changed. I was once again scared since I knew I don't know how to mix with my own race. When I found out that orientation was race-based, I cried terribly the night before. I didn't know how to and I was really scared that the old wounds from secondary school would open up again. But thankfully, I met some very nice Chinese girls whom I could communicate with and I'm still close to them. I still mix with the other races. I joined the Malay dance where I was the only Chinese. Throughout that period of time, when I was struggling hard with the dance and everything, my dance mates were very supportive. I remembered that particular time when I was lacking behind of the dance, when I no longer felt like I could do it. I seldom smile and there was a day when I just couldn't stop crying. Ana accompanied me in the washroom where I cried like a baby being derived of food and she never stopped encouraged me. The rest of my dance mates cheered for me and helped me with my dance.

Now, I am a second year student here. My very close Chinese friends are still the same group of girls and I still hang around with the other races. Through Minggu Haluansiswa, I had managed to know most of the juniors here and I'm still trying to know the Malay juniors who seldom approach me. I got to know more of my own Malay batch mates and because of the projects I'm involved in, I work with them often too.

But in university, I seldom where baju kurung or kebaya. I don't like how some will point at me and talk about it. Just last Thursday, when I wore a baju kurung, I spend my whole afternoon in Center Point before going to cg because I didn't want to pass by dewan makan where the seniors, batch mates and juniors would be there for lunch. There was also an incident where a batch mate of mine asked me why I seldom mix with the Chinese and spend a lot of time with the Malays.

Every one has their own goodness and their special qualities. One concept that I have is everyone is human and we all are the same. Having a fair skin doesn't mean that you're money-minded; having a hitam-manis skin doesn't mean that you're lazy; having a dark skin doesn't mean that you're poor. No matter what is your skin colour, your hearts and brains are of the same colour, make up of the same components, having almost the same size and have the same functions. Why must we discriminate others and label each other? When I had troubles and problems, they lend me a helping hands. I had gone through a time when the one by my side were the Malays and Indians while some Chinese made my life miserable. I had received complements from the Malays and Indians when some Chinese just couldn't stop criticise by body shape and my apparent lack of beauty.

Please don't misunderstand me. It's not that I dislike the Chinese, I just find it hard to be myself and talk to them after the incidents back then. I do appreciate the friendship that I have with some of the Chinese here (you know who you are and I'm really thankful and happy have you as my friends). I just pray that people will put aside the mentality and perceptions about the other races and try to look inside the hearts. Everyone has their own good qualities and everyone can learn from each other. I just pray that there'll be a time where everyone will stand up for each other and help each other instead of creating more issues on racism. All I want is tolerance in everyone of us and the ability to accept the differences among us and friendship among all of us. I just hope and pray that there'll be a time when I will feel ease and comfortable with my own race as well.

Happy birthday to the wonderful Malaysia in 2 days time :)

Lost...

Putting a smile when you know that you just want to hide in a corner to cry is just so difficult. And that's why I'm putting down my pbl work and my studies to write this. If not, all the emotions just get pile up inside me and it just makes me feel worst.

It's funny how stuffs can happen suddenly without you knowing it. And it's even worst when all you know is the effects of the thing but not the cause.

I just don't understand how things will lead to this point when I can't even see the pathway to this point. Is it something that I did? But I'm just extremely sure that I didn't do anything at all. Nobody is sure of what had happened and those who know are turning their back on me. Even though it's really hurting but what else can I do but to let go of those? It's their decision to do so and I can't say anything much to change their mind.

I just don't understand how such a big issue can happen behind my back and I only get to know about it later. How long had I been a fool in front of all of them? How long had it happened? And most importantly, what had actually happened and what did I do to you?

People are telling me that they are ok already but how can you know that for sure? I'd been spending all my life facing people who smile at me and laugh with me but deep down, cursing me. I can no longer trust their smile anymore no matter how friendly it seems.

Despite of what had happened, I did get to appreciate the things that I'd have and always taken granted of.

Good friends are those who are with you when you hit really low and when you're on the verge of breaking down. To be honest, I never really have many friends that I could really talk to and when times got really bad, I used to lock myself in the bedroom and just cried in there. I couldn't even talk to my parents for they really thought that I should just forget everything and concentrate on my study. Thankfully, God was there for me and I made it through most of the time. Coming to this place doing this course is a blessing to me. I'd made friends with those whom I'll never expect that I'll be close to. All I did was run to their room and started crying while telling them of the problems. Thank you for putting down your books and spending your whole night with me. I really appreciate it :)

God is just great. People said that I'm strong for being able to go through the tough times in secondary school but I have to say that I'm not. I'm weak but He is always there for me whenever I stumble and fall. I spend my whole yesterday night on bed praying to God and told Him of the problems. I never thought of stopping the tears from flowing down for I'm going to Him as my vulnerable self and I don't want to act like a tough girl in front of Him for He knows me better than I even know myself. I'm still feeling lost and sad but I know that I'll be able to get through this with His help. And I'm thankful that when everyone turned their back, one stood with me firmly and nothing could change his/her stand. Though I'm still feeling down but I trust that with His help, I'll be back to a more cheerful me within a couple of days.

For now, I'm still doing what I'd been doing throughout today which is staring at the laptop while thinking of what had happened. Sometimes, I'd start to cry in front of the laptop. Just give me a few more days and I promise I'll be fine again...