Risk...

Saw this from a friend's post and it hits me immediately. 

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool;
to weep is to risk appearing sentimental;
to reach out for another is to risk involvement;
to expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self;
to place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss;
to love is to risk not being loved in return;
to live is to risk dying;
to hope is to risk despair;
to try is to risk failure.

But the risk must be taken, because the greater hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he simply cannot hear, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

-William Arthur Ward-

Which risk is worth taking? Which risk is not? I guess that's a lesson as well.

Thank God for all the blessings and falls which made me grow :)

SIL...

You said we're treating it as a laughing material. Haha... I wish I could laugh about it but it's not even funny to start of with. 

I have a ridiculous story to tell about a ridiculous person who did many ridiculous things and defend herself ridiculously.

There was a lady, a very insecure one whom I have no idea what goes on in her mind. Ever since I grew up, she had been there. 

You know when children misbehave, adults always find ways to scare them like telling them about a monster underneath their bed, closet and so on. This lady is like the 'monster'. One word of her name and all the children will shut their mouth and behave nicely.

Home has always been the place where people feel safe in it. But not for me. No, I'm not saying that I hate being at home. I don't. Home has always been homey to me. What I can't stand is that, I'm always being cornered by this lady and I can't do things that I want because I'm constantly running away from here, trying to stay away from living room or study room whenever I hear footstep, hiding at a place where she can't see me. Did it work? Of course not. This lady will start to yell my name with a volume that the whole neighbourhood can hear. After that, when her sewing machine was bought by my mum, she no longer needs to yell. She has the key to my house.

Can you imagine what it is like? Every time when my parents are out, I have to force a smile on my face, answer ridiculous questions while watching her opening every single drawer in my house. Ridiculous questions will be asked, ridiculous comments heard and then everything will end with 'Don't tell your mum'. There's no privacy. She knows what is in my house, she tries to ask the price for every single new items we have, and if there's something that she can take, especially food, she WILL take. 

Now that I'm a medical student, every single time that I'm at home, I'll have to force a smile while she goes on and on about how rich I'm going to be, how successful I'm going to be, how many specialist I will know, how I can directly lead someone to get treatment without having to queue up, how many connections I can make in the hospital and all over the world, how much money I will have in my account especially if I don't get married, blah blah blah. Seriously? My parents never tell me about all these things. I'd never bother about all these because my passion for medicine was never driven by fame and fortune at the first place. To hear someone even trying to rationalise medicine with me with money and connection is just degrading to this profession and disgusting.

I have no idea how my mum puts up with everything. I see her getting bitter day by day but there was nothing that she can do. My dad stays out of it. My sister got blamed for being a busybody but who is the busybody in the first place? I can't imagine what it is like for my mum. She goes out for grocery shopping and people asked her 'You cook?' Apparently, a ridiculous little birdie told the whole world that my mum never cook for us. Knock, knock, can I know what is wrong with your mind? You, who have never ever worked in your entire life will never know how tiring a job can be. Being a teacher is not easy like you always tell people. They have other responsibilities instead of shaking their legs and do nothing. I'm sick of listening to you telling me that 'Teaching is such an easy life. Every time also got holiday.' My mum cooks for us. She gets tired very easily but she still forces herself to cook for us. Only when she can't afford physically, then we will dine out. For goodness sake, her kitchen is just next to yours and all you can see are the few events that she's not there? Don't you see that she's there almost every evening? 

Can you imagine what it's like to have someone going around your house, poking her nose through every single things and then having someone going around telling the entire world that your house is not clean, everything is messy, got some new things which cost 'a lot'? My dad asked her not to do it anymore and she gave an innocent look and said 'I didn't. Who did I tell? You tell your wife that I never did it. I only want to sew my son's curtain. I need your house key. After that I'll return.' Please, can't you sew when my parents are around? You'd have been having the keys for years which you'd never made an attempt of returning it. The whole world knows you're the nosiest and you blame my mum in the end? This lady keeps on telling everyone that my mum is not friendly and never smile at her. Come on, you think my mum is like all the neighbours around here who got nothing to do but gossip? Every time I hear your conversations with others and I can't help but laugh at the ridiculous contents. We're not that shallow-minded and talk like that. We do have other more important priorities to attend to.

People who can be taken advantage of are given priority. My little cousin had febrile seizure when I was back home and she was admitted to the district hospital. My dad wanted to move her to private hospital but I rationalise with him. Why spend so much money when the district hospital is just fine? I went there personally and I'm quite happy with the way my little cousin was treated. My dad practically forced me to visit my little cousin when the adults were making decision. I remember there was just me, my sister, this lady, my little cousin, her maternal grandmother and my uncle's friend whom nobody knows at all. He was telling the grandma how inefficient gov hospital is, how medication is not given to my little cousin, how there's no specific dr treating my little cousin. This lady kept on nodding her head to everything he said like a parrot. I tried to interrupt but no one even bother to listen to me. When the dr came after giving us 2 hours of discussion, she pushed me to talk to the dr and disappeared somewhere despite being the 'elderly' there. I wanted my little cousin to stay there because I know the management was just fine. I apologised to the dr for not making a decision yet and the dr blew his top and walked off. The nurses kept on explaining to me that febrile seizure is not harmful. I told them I understand but I don't know how to tell them that there's a lady who would listen to some stranger instead of me who is a family and who has some knowledge on what my cousin was facing. I don't blame the dr. I looked so young and he must be wondering why this little girl is interfering with 'adult's decision'. At the end, another rich cousin came and said that this hospital is fine and how her sons were treated here and she nodded away like a parrot again. 

This lady always think that she is sick. She did medical check up and was told that everything was fine. She did not believe and showed me the report. Just like the dr said, everything was normal. I told her that and she gave me a face of disbelief which turned black. What do you expect me to say? You're sick and you need medication when you are just plain healthy?

My dad said we're treating it as a laughing material but I don't find it funny at all. I wish someone will stand up and telling her straight up instead of leaving my sister and I to deal with her. I can't stand it anymore. I'm afraid one day I'll blow my top off. Call me coward but ever since I knew I have the freedom to go anywhere I want to, I had decided to go to Sabah/Sarawak. It's the only way I can escape from all the relatives especially this who has obviously planned on how to take advantage of my job and it's the only way I can give an excuse to my mum to escape as well. People always say you must respect your elderly and I'd given her all the forced smiles that I could give but I find it hard to respect her. We can't choose our family but that doesn't mean that I have to kowtow to you. Now, my parents who rarely argued with each other had just screaming at each other because of you. Luckily my family always interact with each other in English which people like you who keeps on sticking her ears to the wall to hear our conversations can never understand.

People say that one of the most fearful thing is MIL-mother in law. I would like to add one more: SIL-sister in law.

Separate Lives...

'We are living separate lives in order to do make both of us feel alive again.'

This quote is from a dream I had yesterday when a couple resort to divorce after many years of tolerating each other. I woke up immediately after seeing that quote with my heart pounding hard against my chest wall.

A sister shared this 2 days ago during the youth service: 'Do not worry about your relationship status. God will give the best to you. You need to have faith.' This sister had a few broken relationship before she finally commit her relationship to God and after that, she had been through a many unexpected events and she finally believe that God will indeed leave you the best.

Do I deserve it? I don't know. After many years of listening to comments about my look, I gave up already. From 22 years of observing others, I see more sad endings compared to good ones. Whatever it is, I can only commit everything in His hands. Everything will be His doing, not mine.

Thank You Lord for everything :)

Blessed :)

Had an amazing night :)

When it comes to religion, I envy those who have found their direction. I believe in God. Yes, I do. I was in a miserable state and because of Him, I could finally face myself. Finally, I found it worth living because I'm here for a purpose even though I have no idea what lies ahead of me. Finally, I don't feel awkward or different. 

I believe. But I have not found a church that I feel comfortable with. The church that I was introduced first was scary. It's so different with others that I don't know whether I should follow or not. My mum used to tell me to pray if I'm in doubt of what's right and what's wrong when it comes to churches. I'd been to a few churches which I quite like but by doing so, I feel like I'm betraying my mum. I'd never gathered the courage to talk to her, even after joining Christian fellowship for years in uni, even after helping out with Christmas night and directing all the Christmas dramas. It's just so funny when we believe in the same God but we are separated by different thinkings and opinions and believes. I have always been in dilemma. 

Today, once again, I strongly feel that God is amazing. I'm currently in Taiwan for 3 weeks. I'd thought of visiting the church here but I have no idea where to go. We did not manage to do the research that we were supposed to do and suddenly, I felt purposeless here. Moreover, this is a Buddhist association hospital and I thought that every personnel here are Buddhist. Somehow, we talked to the dr in-charge once again who somehow suggested that we join the school visit. Somehow, during that visit, the head of department was there. Somehow, the HOD asked about the Chinese in Malaysia. Somehow, he found out that we are Christian and subsequently invited us to the church he is attending on Sunday. Somehow, one of the church member invited us to youth meeting. The sharing by a fellow sister on relationship was very touching. It reminded me on my faith and made me realise once again how wonderful God is. 

A series of events which led us here and I felt God's presence. It's like everything is arranged and no matter what, He's always there even when we don't expect Him to be there at all. 

Thank God for everything. Thank You for the blessing. Thank You so much :)

七星潭 :)

在花莲已一个星期，终于有时间出外走走了。又到海边来。干净的石滩，光着脚丫走起路来犹如免费的脚底按摩。波涛汹涌的海，是很美丽，壮观，但很危险。虽然海风并不大，海浪却很大，浪花也很美。就如初雨所说的，希望我们的心胸犹如海一样的阔，那大家就会快乐很多。