The Summit...

"The higher you climb, the harder you fall."

The amount of truth to this - 100%.

Imagine walking through many ladders and you found one which caught your eyes and you started to climb.

Along the way, you felt there was something wrong, as if there's just not you alone who was climbing the stairs. But you didn't care. You closed your thoughts when rationale was trying to warn you. You closed you eyes towards everything around you and you continue climbing.

Just when you thought you're nearing the top, you realised there were no more stairs to climb. Looking up, someone else was already at the top.

It was too late to realise that the ladder was never meant for you to climb at the first place.

You fell hard to the ground and broke into pieces, especially your heart.

You had to pick up the pieces, paste every single one together, lick your tears, stand up and continue walking.

All these with a smile on your face and pretending that nothing had ever happened.

Heartache is the worst. It haunts you every time. You spend all your energy into work because you don't want to think about other things. Every time you stop and pause, all the thoughts keep rushing back and tears start collecting. And you continue to work because you don't want to think about it.

It's a vicious cycle, I know. But I can't help it. I really don't want to think about it.

People said it's my fault. I am the stupid and retarded one.

But just stand at my shoes and think, how many times can I go through the whole cycle again? It's painful, really really agonising-ly painful.

One is bad, 2 is just bad, 3 is plain stupidity.

Let my cry for now. I'm a big girl, I can go through this.

I'll stand back up.

Falling...

I think I'm falling into the hole, again.

Fast fast climb back up before I fall deeper. Fast.

Ridiculous thoughts...

Suddenly thought of the choice I'd made. Voluntary or involuntary? I have no idea. 

Even if I want, it's not up to me to say anyway. 

Or perhaps one off day from work and I'm starting to think of all sorts of funny things. 

Back to my homework. Back to striving to become competent dr. 

The rest? I'll just leave it to Your hands. I just don't want to think about it or fall into a deep deep deep hole all over again. 

Turning off the stupid, ridiculous girl mode. 

Missing You...

I miss you all.

I really do.

It kind of hits me that I can no longer meet you all as easily as it used to be. But I believe absence will make the heart fonder.

And I only hope absence will not make us strangers.

Till the next time, my dear friends :)

You know who you are :)

Bubble...

If relationship is so unpredictable and no one really knows when will one change or return back to old self or not bother to acknowledge each other, taking granted of each other presence or even getting annoyed of each other, I'd rather live in my own bubble.

Don't tell me that I have to get hurt in order to be loved, don't tell me that perhaps I'll be lucky enough to avoid all heartaches, don't tell me that I have to find a company when I'm old.

It's too unpredictable. I do not want your history to repeat on me.

Just let me live my life and see how my life will turn out to be.

Me or The Other Me?

If the only way to your heart and have your friendship is to be a completely different person than who I am now, I don't think I'll do it. 

I'd rather you look through me and see what is inside of me and let you decide whether I'm worthy of that friendship. 

Till then, let's just be smiling friend - the one who smile at each other but never talk. 

Finally :)

After 5 years of sweat, tear, laughter and joy, we'd finally made it :)

Medical school has never been easy. Besides having to face with tonnes of never-ending knowledge and books, besides all the stress of classes and all, we still have to go through many emotional roller-coaster ride. 

The ride for the past 5 weeks had not been easy. Difficult case scenarios, not-so-good performance of what I can actually do and facing with extraordinary cases and struggling trying to save myself with the help of the kind lecturers I had. 

Now that everything is over, everything feels like a dream. 5 years had gone by, just like that, at a blink of eyes. I'm truly thankful to God for his blessings and guidance. Without Him, I'll never make it through these 5 years smoothly, I'd not grown to become a more mature lady and I'd not learned to appreciate all the ups and downs. 

Thank You. All glory, thanks and honour to You. With the title that has been given to me, I hope I'll be able to do much good and continue to grow stronger and more obedient. Thank You.