Bubble...

If relationship is so unpredictable and no one really knows when will one change or return back to old self or not bother to acknowledge each other, taking granted of each other presence or even getting annoyed of each other, I'd rather live in my own bubble.

Don't tell me that I have to get hurt in order to be loved, don't tell me that perhaps I'll be lucky enough to avoid all heartaches, don't tell me that I have to find a company when I'm old.

It's too unpredictable. I do not want your history to repeat on me.

Just let me live my life and see how my life will turn out to be.

Me or The Other Me?

If the only way to your heart and have your friendship is to be a completely different person than who I am now, I don't think I'll do it. 

I'd rather you look through me and see what is inside of me and let you decide whether I'm worthy of that friendship. 

Till then, let's just be smiling friend - the one who smile at each other but never talk. 

Finally :)

After 5 years of sweat, tear, laughter and joy, we'd finally made it :)

Medical school has never been easy. Besides having to face with tonnes of never-ending knowledge and books, besides all the stress of classes and all, we still have to go through many emotional roller-coaster ride. 

The ride for the past 5 weeks had not been easy. Difficult case scenarios, not-so-good performance of what I can actually do and facing with extraordinary cases and struggling trying to save myself with the help of the kind lecturers I had. 

Now that everything is over, everything feels like a dream. 5 years had gone by, just like that, at a blink of eyes. I'm truly thankful to God for his blessings and guidance. Without Him, I'll never make it through these 5 years smoothly, I'd not grown to become a more mature lady and I'd not learned to appreciate all the ups and downs. 

Thank You. All glory, thanks and honour to You. With the title that has been given to me, I hope I'll be able to do much good and continue to grow stronger and more obedient. Thank You. 

Regrets...

I wish I'd done better than this but everything is over now, I can no longer change what had happened.

I'm greatly disappointed with myself but I can only sit here and pray and hope that everything will be ok, although I know there's a high chance that it'll not.

I don't know whether I can face the music next week.

In the mean time, let me just release all the emotions that I'd been suppressed for the past 5 weeks...

Thanks :')

This 5 years has been a journey full of ups and downs. 

I gained a lot and at the same time, I lost a lot too. 

One of the things that will remain in my heart is the friendships that I've got here. I may not have tonnes of them but those few are the one that I appreciate much and those are the ones that will be in my heart forever. 

Thanks, my dear :) Many thanks for always being there, when I was in good mood and also when I was in cranky mood. Thanks for understanding me so well, thanks for putting up to my quirk and thanks for making me feel like I belong, somehow :)

You're all gift from God and I'm blessed to have you all in my life :)

Thanks :)

1 more day to go. Saving up my tears and hope I'll perform my best tomorrow. 

Dragging Myself Up...

The start of a new day.

And yet, it's still traumatising.

No, I won't blame the examiners. It's my fault. I could do it but I didn't.

2 more days. All I can do is to hope for the best. And I know my parents are probably worried sick ever since I said that "things are not going well".

Hold the tears. Leave then to the weekends. I have to keep going.

Thank You Lord for the blessing and Your grace. I know I am blessed but sorry that I'm such a disappointment.

Apologies...

I'm sorry....

I got the best, the one that everyone wishes for, the one that everyone is dying for and the one that will help everyone.

Yet, I screwed it all up. I didn't get a single one correct. I was told off there and then.

I don't know whether I can make it through. I don't know whether I am worth making through. I don't know whether I deserve it.

I'm sorry. I truly am. And yet, I can't forgive myself. No, I can't.

Keep Going...

As hard as it seems, as difficult as it is to do, I'm just going to keep moving on. The last week has been physically and mentally exhaustive. The nauseating sensation, the frightful feeling that scared me up early in the morning after 3-4 hours of sleep, the lack of appetite and having to force myself to eat (thank God for the new eating spot with very decent food). 

He has already brought me to this far. Without Him, a shy, soft spoken girl like me would never had made it to this step. Thank You, thank You :) I'm just going to try my best, suppress all my fear and anxiety and be confident. 

Outside and Inside...

I may appear to be calm but deep down, I'm feeling miserable.

The worst feeling is that I know that I can do much better than this but I let my nervousness got a hold on me. It's unforgivable actually. After going through many exams, the nervousness will always be the same and it'll always be there. 

One more week to go and I really hope things will go well...

Thank You :)

Thoughts...

Stop thinking about what I'd done.

Concentrate on what I can do next.

That's the only mantra I'm telling myself over and over again. If not, I'm going to drown in deep pool of regrets...

Thank You :)

PS: The last few moments of waiting outside the cubicle and waiting for exam to commence was hard. Prof Y came and checked on us and said softly: "You have come this far. Trust yourself and stay calm. You can do it. All the best." And she tapped my shoulder and it was at that moment I realised that she was talking to us. Then Dr A came: "You have studied so hard for the past 5 years. You will know the answers. Good luck." Those were not the exact words as I was too nervous to realise that they were trying to calm us down until the last word =.= Thinking about it now touches my heart really deep. Thanks Prof, thanks Dr :') And thanks to Dr M who gave a tutorial, right after I finished, on how to do a proper defibrillation and reassured me that I'd passed that station :) 

Ok? Not...

It was ok. 

I felt quite ok then at the very last minute, I realised I missed out something. Few hours later, I realised I missed out an important aspect. 

Sigh...

Moving on the next. The real challenge is coming up. 

Hoping for the best...

Thank You :') Although I may not be deserving...