Happiness and Gratefulness :)

蘇打綠-幸福額度

Listen 你現在的感情 從何選擇
看天氣的臉色 還是體溫
幸福不會是牛頓 一顆蘋果成學問
所以 得不到那個人 是否該恨

Listen 你現在的人生 要什麼呢
出門要豪華車 或隨緣份
幸福或許是諸葛 三顧也不見得成
所以 達不到你要的 是否該扔
又或者 永遠是不可能 滿分

You say why 愛讓寂寞像永恆
And why 愛像過客不聞不問
Oh why 愛 似乎總不貼近靈魂

Listen 回憶裡的氣氛 是熱是冷
孤芳得像天鵝 還是風箏
或許就像哥倫布 錯誤點起萬盞燈
所以 是不是還想要 再試再撐
又或者 因為曾有的疼 沉淪

You say why 愛讓寂寞像永恆
And why 愛像過客不聞不問
Oh why 愛 似乎總不貼近靈魂 怎麼能

相聚 分離 光影涼了又溫
想起 忘記 眼淚淺了又深
凡美麗總像是流水逝去不會轉過身
雨水卻在不知名的清晨紛紛

You say why oh 寂寞像永恆
Why 像過客不聞不問
Oh why 愛 不貼近靈魂

I say why 愛讓你充滿疑問
And why 愛總讓你一點不剩
Oh why why 愛只需建立在一個吻 怎麼能
________________________________________________________________________

吴青峰写的歌好好听，歌词也写得很感人，听了都有一丝丝的感触 :)

有时觉得幸福离自己好远好远，

左看右看始终找不到，

总觉得很低落，

但不管如何，

我相信世上没有无缘无故的事,

每件事情发生都是有原因的，

只要不停的拼，

总有一天，

游在深不见底的海的鱼，

会在冰冷的海水里感受到艳阳的温暖，

月光的浪漫，

星星的闪烁 :)


'God didn't promise
Days without rain,
Laughter without sorrow,
Sun without rain,
but He did promise,
Strength for the day,
Comfort for the tears,
and Light for the way.'

Thanks God for everything. Bad or good, they are here to make me stronger. Thank You :)

惭愧...

总觉得自己什么都不会做，

就只会做错事，

看着别人给我的眼神，

不由自主地惭愧起来，

也许我并不适合做一个leader吧。。。

陈奕迅-我们都寂寞

P.S. Thanks for indirectly letting me know I'm not a good leader or person at all. I'm not going to take the responsibility again. All I want to do is to make sure that things go right but I guess I failed miserably...

放不下的包袱

有时候，

一个人，

沉重的包袱背了太久，

即使到了该放下的时候，

该释怀时，

都不知该怎么做了。

明明不喜欢这重量，

还常嫌它阻碍自己的生活，

但已不知该如何放下一切，

轻松自在的走，

只好继续背着这包袱，

一步一步，

疲惫地向前走。

平凡 :)

张国荣－追

最近喜欢上了这首歌，也是看了星光大道的黎谦唱了，才想到我曾有听过这首歌。

歌词很简单，没有利用太多的手法，但真的很动人。林夕也真不简单。

林夕：“这是首很朴素的歌，歌词也很平凡。平凡才显得重要。”

幸福其实很容易，不一定要有对积累山的财富，也不一定要有数也数不清的钱财。平凡的生活其实也可以很幸福，尤其当你身旁都是你最亲，最爱的人。

谢谢大家帮我唱生日歌，请我吃蛋糕。

虽然我被喷得整身都是粉，也被迫在冷冷的气候时洗澡，但我很感激有这帮朋友。你们在我平凡的生活里染上不同的颜色，把黑暗的一片慢慢，慢慢的掩盖，让我看到五彩的一面 :) 谢谢 :)

P.S.: 二十一岁了，但我脑袋还是空空的，不知道自己想要什么，朋友叫我许下愿望，我想了很久也想不到，肯定是 mind block了。可悲 :(

Perhaps you're wondering, why is this so called 'banana' girl using Chinese to type her entry? I'd been listening to lots of Chinese songs lately and I'm drawn to the wonders of Chinese language. One single word and it can mean a lot of things. I'm particularly impressed by those lyricist who wrote lots of nice and meaningful lyrics that blew my mind away. Somehow, I'm starting to use this language to express how I feel and it's not entirely that bad. I haven't been using Chinese for a long time so a bit karat already :P Hopefully I haven't lost touch of this wonderful language. Sorry to those Chinese experts if you have sore eyes after reading my Chinese :P

鱼的故事

我曾遇过这一只鱼。虽长得不怎么出色，但我还是看上了它，时时留意它的每一个行踪。

从小，它游也不游得比同类快，身上的颜色也不比同类鲜艳，一不留神，有时还会不小心没发现它的存在，把它给忘了。它要求不多，只想要同类看它一眼，但身上的颜色是上帝所给的，哪能做任何改变呢？捕食也比同类弱，常常被骂，有时还得挨饿。

几年后，它虽长得不怎么大，但变得成熟了些，懂事了些。它不喜欢以前的自己，从此努力地学习捕食，渐渐捕食技巧好了一些。它太习惯被同类忽略了，对自己一点信心都没，不懂得与同类相处，朋友也不多。它只懂得做好自己的本分，认真地把每件事做完。其他的，它都统统不懂。

捕食技巧被大伙肯定了，接着它到深海去，学习如何在辽阔且暗不见底的深海捕食，一边为了填饱自己的肚子，一边也为帮其它无法捕食的同类捕食。远看，大海被太阳和月光照得一闪一闪的，蓝蓝的，这只鱼不经笑了起来，相信自己可以克服这大海，帮助自己的同类。

第一天来到这大海，也遇到来自别的河的同类，但这只鱼已不懂得怎么和同类相处，很多时候孤零零地看着大家一伙一伙的学习。它不让自己想得太多，依旧认真的学习。

一年一年的过去了，它发现深海的确太深了，怎么学也学不完，学不好。渐渐的，信心也消失了。捕食技巧也不容易了，因为深海有时真得太暗了，怎么摸索也摸索不清，有时怎么拼，也没有好的收获。

今天我又遇到这只鱼，它孤零零，头低低的，面孔没有笑容。它在大伙面前捕食时，失败了。它好失望，赶紧在脸上放着一个笑容，然后很快的游到一个不曾被同类发现的洞穴，放声哭了。它对自己很失望，不知自己是否能学好这技巧。学不好，不仅浪费了自己的时间，也连累了其他在等着它帮忙捕食的同类。这只鱼也觉得很失败，自己只会装做很自立，很坚强，每天孤零零的游在大海里，不懂得与其他鱼相处，仍旧一样的被其它鱼忽略，遗忘，犹如自己根本就不曾存在。

我不懂得要怎么安慰这只鱼，只能陪着这只鱼哭，也默默地为这只鱼祈祷。

小鱼啊，究竟要等到什么时候，你才愿意要把围在自己身上的墙与篱笆塌下来呢，好好学习，也好好与别的鱼相处呢？

林宥嘉-我总是一人在练习一个人

Acceptance :)

In life, there'll always be one who will criticise you: not pretty lah, fat lah and the list goes on and on.

Whatever you say, I'm just going to ignore you.

What do you expect me to do?

Cry? Hate myself? Go on a crash diet? Have a plastic surgery? Cry and blame God for creating me the way I am now?

Do you honestly think that I don't know all that? Or do you think I'm so ignorant that you have to say thousand of times before I register these in my head?

Angry? Nah. I'm not that ridiculous to be mad because of things like these. Throughout the years, I'd learned how to joke about myself.

But please, sometimes, look at yourself before lashing out all the criticisms. You're not that entirely good either. Unless, of course, you're just joking which I don't mind.

I'd gone through awkward phases and the learning-to-accept-myself phase. And I'd learned a few things along the way.

Learn to accept yourself. That's the way to happiness :) There's always a reason why God create you the way you are. One doesn't need to have a pretty face and model-like body to be beautiful :) You can function well and be happy just the way you are, if and only if you can accept your true self.

接受最真实的自己，除了你之外，没人会比你更爱自己。

感同身受

林宥嘉-感同身受



有谁流过眼泪 请说
有谁没有哭过 请说
你也怎么能爱过 如果那个是我
可能比你更失落

我想说 每个人都差不多
不一样的血肉之躯在痛苦快乐面前
我们都平起平坐
全世界的脉搏（像你像我）
让我们用心抚摸（是你是我）
别人的眼泪随时来自你和我的双眼
有那么多人在寂寞 就没有人寂寞

有谁曾经要死要活
想象连呼吸也很难过
给我会怎么做 有同样的遭遇
是否有相同结果

我想说 每个人都差不多
不一样的血肉之躯在痛苦快乐面前
我们都平起平坐
在同一本小说（像你像我）
主角无分你我（是你是我）
别人的遗憾当中看到自己犯过的错
有那么多人在寂寞 就没有人寂寞

（那些笑容）都是为了什么
（那些折磨）是怎么样解脱
（让人快乐）我们都会快乐
（让人寂寞）谁还敢说寂寞

______________________________________________________________

很明显，这不是我写的 :P

本人很喜欢林夕写的词。全都写得很美，很入心内，真佩服他。

最近都很喜欢听华语歌。朋友知道后都蛮惊讶，因为大家都知道我在一个很"英语"的环境成长。但近来越来越对英语歌失望，歌词很多都围绕在性爱之间，mv更是不能看。慢慢的开始接触华语歌，旋律不只是美，歌词也写得很棒，尤其是这首歌。

不管我们长得多不一样，性格有多不一样，脾气有多不一样，

大家都受过伤，都流过眼泪，

心里都有着几个伤疤。

有人选择振作起来，

即时伤得多重，都往好处想，

自己勇敢的爬上来，朝向未来走，

不犹豫，不害怕。

有人选择堕落过活，

即时伤得不怎么重，都往坏处想，

怨天尤人，继续趴在原地，不愿站上来，

心内充满恐惧与害怕。

也许你觉得别人比你好，比你棒，比你优，

但我们都是血肉之躯，谁没有缺点呢？

常常斗来斗去，又何苦呢？

为何不敞开心来，

尝试接纳别人，也接受最真实的自己呢？

你我都是人，都有犯错的时候，

为何不原谅别人，也原谅自己呢？

在别人和自己的错误中学习，

让自己成为更懂事，更成熟的人。

好事坏事都要懂得感恩，

不要傲慢，也不要自暴自弃，

因为这都是人生中所要面对的挑战之一。

爬起来或原封不动呢？大家心中有数 :)

P.S. : 最近都很爱听林宥嘉的歌，这首感同身受也不例外 :)

Contrast...

Child 1

1. Suffering from Chronic Disease A.
2. Always bullied by classmates.
3. Do not have much friends. Only close friend is one who suffers from Chronic Disease B.
4. Always teased by siblings and classmates.
5. Teacher requested the mum to transfer him to special school for OKU students when he doesn't have any studying difficulties and physical disabilities because they find it hard to accommodate to his disease (which by the way is not hard at all).
6. Dad is always scolding him since he can't accept the fact that he has disease A.
7. Ended up in hospital because classmates pushed him into the drain which made him hurt his knees. No one helped him. He had to endured the pain and walked back home.

Child 2

1. Suffering from Chronic Disease C.
2. Classmates are always helping him. Even if he needs to urinate frequently, his friend will accompany him.
3. Every one in school likes him.
4. Siblings always accompany him to follow-up.
5. Teachers are nice and patient with him.
6. Dad cares about him.
7. Ended up in hospital because he needs his medication.

2 different child, almost the same age, suffering from diseases that can't be cured, different settings, different life, different fate.

Sometimes kids say the darnest things which just make you laugh. But sometimes they can be brutally cruel like the 'friends' that child 1 has.

My heart goes for both of these kids for the diseases that they are suffering. In terms of life, I pity child 1. How I wish I can shake those so called 'normal' classmates so that they can be mature enough and STOP making fun of him. It's already a sad new that he has this disease and it's worst when he has to face all the name-calling and bullying at school everyday. These kids really need to know the consequences of their actions. Their 'innocent' act will just hurt the child physically and also mentally.

How to stop yourself from hurting people? Start placing yourself in one's shoe. If you don't like how people treat you in certain way, don't do it to others. Being young doesn't mean you are excused from hurting people 'unintentionally'. God has given us brain and its function is to help us think.

So think before you act.

Disturbed...

I have no idea what's going on lately.

My minds are all messed up.

I can't think properly.

Have been sleeping a lot.

I don't know why it's affecting me also.

For the past few days, I'd been letting go all my frustration on a pitiful plush toy which is something I'd never done before.

I have no idea what's wrong with me.

Perhaps I'm just a girl with bad personalities that no one like me and want to talk to me.

Mummy said: You're a girl, it's ok if you show a bit of weakness.

I replied: Don't want. I don't want to be seen as someone who is clingy and annoying.

I'm scared but what to do? All I know is to just put up a straight face and walk as if I'm not scared of anything.

Pretending that it doesn't bother me although it does.

Pretending that I'm not afraid although I can't stop thinking about the bad incidents.

Or perhaps I'm just too sensitive...

Dilemma...

Ended my O & G and Primary Care postings. Not exactly satisfied with my performance. There were some great experiences and I'm thankful for everything :)

Entering Paeds :) I'm quite happy since I can never take my eyes off children. I'll just take these 2 months to explore Paeds and see how far I can go. Most importantly, I need to buck up. I feel like I'm going back to the old me that I'd eradicated when I entered secondary school :( Just pray that I'll have the strength and the energy to go on.

Something had happened within these 2 months. Maybe it's my fault that I'm magnifying the issue. At first, everything was friendly and I was relatively happy. Then, after spending more and more time, I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable. Almost everyday I need to come up with explanations for something that I did. The actions didn't mean anything but somehow, they were seen and interpreted differently. Everyday I need to hear the same phrase in a tone which is only used in a different setting and occasion. Every time I see a side that I don't like and can't comprehend.

I know that these incidents happened quite innocently but I've never been comfortable with person of a different gender unless they are really my close friends. I'd been thinking and sometimes saying things that I don't want to say and I'm feeling really bad. I'd tried to stop it but the thoughts just kept linger on.

I'm sorry. I'm a coward. In occasion like this, I tend to choose to stay away. I don't want to reach a point where I will do and say something which will offend people so I'd been keeping a distance. Somehow, by keeping a distance, I'm also offending people.

I'm deep in dilemma and I don't want to do something that I'll regret. So should I just keep a distance or should I just pretend nothing had happened, put a smile on my face although I'm feeling very very uncomfortable?

Hmmm...

Satisfaction :)

Clerked a 19-year-old Indian girl today.

She is one amazing girl. Both her parents are workers who don't earn much but she is one tough girl. She holds on to her education and she is doing form 6 because she wants to go for tertiary education. She likes to study and she believes that education is important. She knows that education will bring her far in her life and she hopes that she will provide a better life for her parents.

Her father is one caring father. She supports her and is very concern for her. And I almost kena scolded by him because the consultation took about 1 hour and she hadn't eaten her breakfast. Luckily Dr. S talked nicely to him and he went back to his good-nature self. Phew...

We talked about a lot of things when I was waiting for my turn to present and also while waiting for blood test. She told me about her exam, her worries and lots more and we had a good time since we're almost the same age.

While waiting for the blood test result, she asked me:

"Kak, you ada boyfriend tak? Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No lah."

"Why not? You're so pretty, short (she did say that) and cute."

Oh my gosh, I couldn't stop laughing. She over-praised me lah but it's still nice to hear such compliments from a girl who only knew me for 2 hours :) And no, I don't have a boyfriend because no guys will look at me twice lah.

I was very sorry because the consultation took a long time partly my fault since I totally forgot how to do cranial nerve examination so I kept on apologising to her and her father. She told me that she's happy to help me out and she said it doesn't matter to her if it takes a long time because she's happy that she met me today (her own word). With that, she bid goodbye and left.

Lecturers always talked about the satisfactory that come after treating every patient and today, I felt that. Although I made lots of stupid mistakes in front of her during examination, although she had to wait for long time because her turn came and although her consultation was long, she was satisfied. All I did was talked to her and chit-chat a little about her life ans she said it's the best thing that had ever happened to her. She understood that we're students and we are learning from them so she didn't mind at all and she's happy that she was able to help. She also inspired me because even though her family background may not be so good, she still believes in education and she insists in finishing her study. Although it may not be easy, she still works hard towards her goal.

Thanks a lot to you :) I hope you'll be able to achieve your dream as a teacher and I believe you'll be a great one :) All the best for your upcoming STPM :)

Think, think and think...

Clerked a patient today.

He is a 40-year-old Indian gentleman who complained of pain and swelling at the right shoulder tip which only got better a little after more than a week of accident.

So I went through the same questions. And of course, I asked about smoking and drinking habit.

He looked at me and said 'NO'.

Of course, I asked why. Is he afraid of the health consequences? And these were what he told me:

*translated from Malay*

"It's not fear or anything like that but I'd seen what these can do to people. Some people got married early and because of these habits, they neglected their family. Who is going to take care of the wife? The children? Both my elder brothers drink and smoke and they just left the wife and children to fend for themselves. Some of my friends also do the same thing. So I'd sworn to myself that I'll never smoke or drink. I'd told my children this since young and now they are clean from these."

Wow.... I was impressed. This man is clearly one who can think. Though he is not highly educated, he is observant. He saw how drinking and smoking destroy the lives of those who are close to him and instead of joining, he stayed out of it. Besides, he's also a loving and responsible man. He said that these habits do not bring habit to anyone. If a man becomes a slave to cigarettes and alcohol, who is going to take care of the wife and children? This shows that he's really concern about the wife and the children.

If only everyone will start to think like him. Get well soon, mr and hope you can get back to your football and win more games :)

Bereavement...

Today, out of 3 patients, 2 cried.

And these got me thinking. Sometimes, there're things that I thought will only happen in tv but not in real life but as I go through my life, these things do happen.

I met a nice lady this morning. She was kind enough to bring her neighbour, who is an old lady, to do a check up in Klinik Kesihatan. In the mean time, she came here for her hypertension follow up.

Hypertension. These patients come in and out of clinic everyday. Prof S. asked:" What runs in your mind when someone comes in for hypertension follow up?" The answer is easy (Well, as least for Prof S. :P). Just check his/her reading, make sure it's under control, compliance is good and there're no complications.

But not for her.

When asked what triggers her blood pressure to go up usually, she said when she's angry with her children. She has 3 children, age between 8-11, who are not obedient, lie and do not want to study. She gets angry when the teachers complain. She did everything and she can't seem to control them.

When asked how's her sleep, she said she has not been sleeping well. Her husband passed away suddenly more than 1 year ago and she'll think of him at night when she's supposed to sleep. Prof S wanted to know why she still thinks of him and how does she feel whenever she thinks of him but it was hard since she is a Malay and the patient is a Chinese so I helped to translate.

She said she's not gotten over him. There're lots of things that she wants to know but now she can't get the answer because her husband is not here anymore. Because it's a sudden death, her husband left without leaving any last words and there're lots of things that she doesn't understand. These had been bothering her and it didn't get better with time.

I was standing directly facing her and I saw tears welling up in her eyes. But she controlled herself. At that moment, I felt for her. She's still young and her husband passed away suddenly. She must have loved him and still is.

Love is something very funny yet strong. Just because I'd been saying that I don't want to get in a relationship, doesn't mean that I don't believe in love. I just don't believe that it'll happen to me.

Because of love, she got married and have 3 kids and because of love, her bereavement period prolonged. She lost her husband suddenly without any prior notice and it broke her. And now, she stayed at home with her 3 children who are in their rebellious stage. These are taking a toll on her even though she is trying to be tough.

I wanted to talk to her more, to explain to her why these questions were asked and to make sure that she understood everything but I was not the one who clerked her. I couldn't possibly snatch the patient right under my group mate's nose and the teaching is going on. For that, I feel a little bad.

To this dear lady, no matter where you are now, I hope you'll find peace and be alright. I do hope you'll find your own happiness once more. I'm sorry for everything that had happened and I hope you'll make it through this trial. Once the rain has stopped, the rainbow will be out once again. Pray that you'll be able to go through everything.

Hopeless...

About a year ago, I took up a responsibility that no one wanted.

I did all the preparations, I outlined everything, I collected all the info, and most importantly, I gathered everyone who agreed to join and wanted to be a part of the committee.

For the past one year, there were time when I felt a little annoyed, but I brushed it out of my mind since I was the one who took the responsibility. I need to complete it.

Now, I am worried. I was supposed to pass on this responsibility to the next person, but I haven't completed it. I'd been sending sms telling those in charge that I really need the pages, I really need to complete this, I really need to see the ideas materialize. But somehow, everything seems to fall to deaf ears, or in this case, blind eyes.

Is it because that I don't scream, they think that it's ok?

Is it because that I smile and said 'it's ok', they think that I don't mind?

Is it because that I don't put up an angry face or cry in front of them or beg them, they think that 'Oh, never mind, she won't mind, we can hand in anytime.'

I know you're busy. I understand. That's why when you hand in slightly later when you're busy, I'll tell you that it's ok and I'll thank you with all my heart when you do pass up. I was and still am in your shoes now. I know it's not easy to juggle study and other responsibilities at the same time. I was put in that condition when I was preparing for dance competition. I broke down a few times but those tears only made me stronger and I continued to strive. I know that medical school is not easy. We have thick books to study, endless notes to flip through and tough exams to go through. But 1 year has passed, some had finished what they had to do, why can't you too? Can't you at least tell me why instead of trying to avoid me? Am I that annoying?

I still need to summit everything to Dr. Loh and Prof Jun. By the time when I do that, I need to explain myself for not finishing this on time. Worst case scenario, I need to explain to them why I can't publish a magazine this year when all the other ex-editors finished and published the magazine before July. Will I blame it on you? I don't know. Maybe I'll just look down and apologize for being an incapable editor. Maybe I'll take all the blame myself since I'm the head of this project and that's what a head is for, taking blame for everything that the others made.

Can you just put yourself in my shoes and try to complete them so that all of us will not be look down at?

Today is the last day of July. On the first day, I was confident that I'll make this a success. I thought I can show that I can do this too. But now, I'd lost my confidence. Maybe I'm just not as good as I think I am. Maybe I'm just a weakling.

I need all the strength now, dear God...

Fragile...

After years of biology and 2 years of studying nothing (ok, maybe a few other minor minor things) but human body, one really can't help but to think that 'Wow, the human body is truly amazing!!!' We have the most perfect mechanisms to regulate our body, the most sophisticated systems to function and everything in the body, no matter how minute they are, are significant. Yet, the most perfect instrument has its own weak spots.

The human body can be very fragile too.

I was in neurological ward a few days ago. While searching for the doctor, we walked through the section where numbers of visitors are restricted. It was the section that has lots of life-supporting machines, lots and lots of tubing, ventilators, iv drips and so on and so forth. The one thing that strikes me the most was that almost all the patients were unconscious.

I passed by a bed where an old gentleman was lying down with lots of tubing. A man and a woman stood beside him, shook him gently and repeated "起来啦,不要再睡了啦." (Wake up, don't sleep already).

I passed by another room where a young child of the age of 3-5 was lying on the bed. Unconscious. The mother was looking out of the window with her back facing me. Though I didn't see her expression, her back told me that she was waiting. Waiting for her baby to wake up. Though the wait is long and seems hopeless, she'll not give up. She is going to wait till her child wake up.

These are scenarios that one typically sees in movie. But now, all of them just appear in real life and are playing right in front of my eyes. I guess what I have to do now is to learn as much as I can for I'd chosen an unusual path. Studying is no longer for the sake of passing exams and obtaining a degree, it has become a responsibility. If I don't take it seriously, at the end of the day, it's the patients who are going to suffer so I have the responsibility to do my best to avoid causing harms to my future patients.

If a human body which is made up of many and many and many components are fragile, then the human heart is even more fragile.

Lately, I'd seen people losing their heart and losing themselves. Even with the smiles on their faces and the cheerfulness of their conversations or fb status, I know that their heart is hurting in a way that a person like me, who had never been in a relationship before, can understand.

Few days ago, I heard this song and I searched for the music video. The song was sad and the actor in the music video was a brilliant one. He depicted heartbreak too well that my heart can't stop but to ache for him as well. Though it's in Cantonese but just by looking at the music video, one can guess what the song is depicting without understanding the language of the lyrics.

I guess no matter how strong something is, even a big solid stone, there'll always be the weak spot and once you figure out the spot, the object is no longer indestructible, it has become a fragile piece...

Sailing :)

Today, I felt like sailing on a vast blue sea. One moment, the sea was calm and the sky was blue. The next moment, the wind was strong and it was raining with storms and thunders.

Went through gynae round. Had an enthusiastic Dr. who had shared a lot of her experiences with us. She taught us how to place ourselves in the patients' shoes so that we'll not hurt the patients. She told us that we're not here to be a doctor, we're here to be a good doctor. She told us how to put our heart in this profession and how to put in initiatives to improve our skills. She showed us that there're reasons why we do every steps and at the end of the day, everything is all about the patients and the satisfaction that we'll get from helping the patients is priceless. Thank you very much, Dr. :)

Went through surgical round with a neurosurgeon. Every one's sympathetic drive was strong and we held our breath till the end of the round. I felt really stupid and useless throughout the round. We were bombarded with questions and were asked to clerk a patient without any prior experience. I couldn't seem to recall anything that I'd read and I kept my mouth shut throughout the session. Needless to say, after the round, there were lots of comments about the dr's teaching. Ya, he was strict but I still have to thank him. Thanks for letting me know that I need to work harder. Thanks for showing me that I'm still not well-prepared. Thanks for telling us the consequences of not knowing the things that we need to know. Thanks for the lesson. I'm not going to blame him for everyone has their own style of teaching and as much as I felt uncomfortable, I did learn a few things too. I'm just going to blame myself for forgetting even after reading. For those who have lessons with him, do go well-prepared :)

We were asked to clerk a patient who is having neurological problems. He was awake but seem confused. So we took the history from the wife. While telling us the progression of his disease, the wife couldn't take it and broke down in front of us. The uncle noticed it and tried to comfort her as much as he could. No, I don't know what's wrong with the uncle since the doctor got frustrated with the way we took the history and asked us to go back to conference room. The wife is a very strong lady for she braced herself soon after she cried. I can see that they were a loving couple before the uncle was affected by the disease. Thanks uncle and aunty for showing me that true love does exist. Thanks for showing me how much someone can care for another person. I pray that God will look after both of you and though uncle may not get better, I pray that you'll keep the happy memories with you and be strong :)

Sailed through the unpredictable sea and I'd reached the shore safely with lessons learned and experiences gained :)

Contrast...

This is what I found out during the short weekend at home.

Scene A

Me: My sister had had minimum 3 ex-boyfriends. And I really suspect she had more than that.

My friends: WHAT!!! So many!!!

Scene B

My sister: My sister (which means me) never had a boyfriend before.

Her friends:WHAT!!! Are you sure???

Who knew 2 sister whose age different is just a year can be so different?

Shadow...

别叫我振作，因为我从来没有坚强过。

I guess that practically sums up how I feel today.

I thought I'd put my past behind me but today I felt depressingly small again. Oh, wait, not small. Insignificant. Yes, that's the word.

I guess no amount of time can shift the shadow which I'd been living under for the past 21 years.

The swan and the ugly duckling...

Photo taken from here.

Short break :)

As of yesterday evening, after receiving THE sms, I'd officially ended my Phase II :) All praises to Him :) Now, I just have to prepare myself for clinical year. Excited but nervous as I know it won't be an easy journey. Just pray that I can manage it.

2 weeks of resting-at-home is coming to an end. Hope that elective will be a quick one (crossing fingers).

Didn't really do anything much. Didn't even touch academically-related books (a little guilty...). Basically, I glued myself to the sofa, switching channels with a novel in my hand :)

Caught some series: Leverage, CSI, CSI: NY, House, Fairly Legal, Hawaii Five-O, AFC (makes me hungry all the time), some food documentaries on TLC...

Did some housework.

Finished a few novels :D

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. For me, it's a story of how 2 people meet, fall in love, date, getting married and the death of a loved one. But it has a twist, the guy has an abnormal gene which allows him to time travel. Quite a good one.

Wicked by Gregory Maguire. Interesting concept but I found it quite hard to follow the story. After 277 pages out of 538 pages, I kind of gave up.

Life Support by Tess Gerritsen. A fast-paced novel form one of my favourite author. After the hard time with Wicked, this one reminded me of why I love reading :) Tess Gerritsen put a lot of efforts in the details and I love it till bits :) I couldn't put down the book till the last page!!!

The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry. Got it at a fantastic price of 9.90 and the book is equally facntastic :) I wasn't sure at first since I'd never heard of the author but it's good. I like it how the character told her story in a very convincing way until I forgot the warning that she gave at the start of the story. Would grab her next novel :)

The Gift by Cecelia Ahern. Read half of it a few months ago but abandoned it when I got very busy. Typical Cecelia Ahern's writing and I love the way she conveys her messages. This book is about appreciation and love towards family before it's too late. The character was a selfish one but in the end, I just couldn't help but felt pity towards him. Can't wait to get my hand on her next book-The Every Year Collection :) I don't usually spend money on short stories collection but Cecelia's short stories are sweet. Don't believe me? Read this :)

Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett. I'd read a few of his Discworld series and I like them. But this book is a little hard to follow since I'm not the kind who is interested in war stories. Terry Pratchett did insert a lot of humours like those that I read and they did make me laugh. I'll still continue to read Discworld series though it took me quite some time to finish this.

Wow... I guess I didn't finish much books. Well, I was busy watching tv :P

Am currently reading this. Just a few pages but I like her story after reading My Sister's Keeper. Hope this is as good :)

Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult.

Did some shopping. Didn't find many nice clothes though. Got 3 blouses, 3 pairs of shoes, 1 dress (love it :D) and 2 formal blouses. Finally went to Pavillion and Farenheit 88.

Going to get some hair cut. Hair too long and thick already. Bye :)

Sigh...

In a not-so happy mood. More like depressed.

Sigh...

I don't know why but there're nagging thoughts in my mind: Do I have what it takes to be a doctor? Can I be a good doctor? Will I pass all my exams to be a doctor?

Sigh...

Am I on the right track???

A Friend In Need is A Friend Indeed :)

A dear friend of mine was admitted to the hospital this morning due to Grade 3 Acute Exudate Tonsillitis. Thank God she is doing fine but the inflammatory response was giving her a lot of pain and discomfort.

Seeing her feeling hungry but can't eat solid foods, seeing her in pain when she's drinking water and seeing the always bubbly girl using hands instead of mouth to communicate with us, I felt quite sad for her.

She had always been a good friend from the start. She was one of the few who saw something in me when I was almost a wallpaper among my batch mates. All these while, she had been encouraging me when I lost my confidence. When I did something wrong, she gave me advices which are honest yet not so painful to hear.

I still remember during my first dance competition, I was a little disappointed since no one came and supported. I tried to tell myself to get over it since all of them had choir practice and it's really a hassle to walk from college to the hall. After the competition, I received a sms from her telling me that it was an awesome show and I shouldn't look down on myself since I had done something which nobody would have the courage to do. I'd never thought that she would come. I was so touched, I almost cried on the spot.

Thank you so much for everything. May God bless you and pray that you will have a speedy recovery. Will keep you in my prayer :)

What I learned from Dance :)

Attended the Dance Showcase by the dance students from my uni. And I can honestly say that it's one of the most memorable nights to me.

Seeing the students dance with passion on the stage, even when they were nervous, lots of thoughts filled my mind. Every emotional could be felt, every energy was clearly displayed and most of all, the joy and the love they have for what they were doing were portrayed. Abang Din was so energetic and cute on stage!!! Salute him :)

The night was very different from the nights that I am used to. The laughter, the cheer, the applause and the colourful stage and costumes were a contrast with medical school life. Friends joked about wanting to change course but surprisingly, my heart said no. A firm no. No, I don't want to major in dance. My heart lies in Medicine and a doctor is what I want to be. Dancing is fun but it's just not the destination that I want to steer towards. It's one of the road that I would like to stroll on to de-stress and to have fun but not as the main one.

When I was asked what was Dance Showcase all about, I thought I could give a very wonderful answer but after searching my minds for suitable descriptions, all I could say was 'It's just like performing long case and short case, whereby they have to perform in front of audiences who like dance show and lecturers who will evaluate you while we have to perform in front of a patient who is sick and doctors who will evaluate us.'

A breathtaking dance may be done effortlessly and gracefully by the dancers on the stage but in order to reach that near-perfect level, the preparations and practices behind-the-scene were painstaking. Just like medicine, examining a patient may be done effortlessly and professionally by doctorts but in order to reach the level, the preparations and practices by the doctor standing in front of you were painstaking too. Cramping endless info into your brain, being psycho-ed by your fellow batch mates, dealing with difficult batch mates, being scolded by doctors, feeling useless after lecturers' comments... The road in medical field is a bumpy one so much so that simple compliments can make me feel like a little girl who had just given chocolate(no matter how small it is), the comfort back home which I'd taken granted is always longed for and all the wonderful things in life are very much appreciated now.

Seeing how strong is their passion and joy towards what they are doing, I was put to shame. Medicine is something that I'm passionate about. But after nearly 2 years of being subjected to the stress, my confidence towards my ability has decreased. Failing quizzes, not reaching my target during final, not able to answer questions even after I just finished reading so on and so forth, I feel stupid. Now, I do not want the passion to fade away. From the start, money and fame were never my goal. All I want to is to help and comfort. To take care of people and to provide support to the people just like how I want to if I'm sick and unwell.

I want to show my passion towards medicine just like how the dancers showed their passion towards dancing.

I want to show my love towards medicine just like how the dancers showed their joy towards dancing.

I want to be good in what I'm passionate about just like how the dancers could dance so well in the dance that they are passionate about.

Most of all, I hope I can put in the efforts to perfect my skills just like how the dancers put in all the efforts to perfect their dance.

Inspiration and motivation can come in many ways and I got mine on a colourful and lively night :) Just pray that it'll not fade away so soon. Pray that clinical year will agree with me. I'll thicken up my face to learn. Just pray that I'm on the right track :)

But do let me get through my second year without having to trip on a big stone :P

Am praying hard now :) I don't really have much confidence towards the coming conass. If I do pass, the glory is all Yours, Lord. If I don't, I know it's a lesson that You want me to learn. I'll try my best :)

Met up with Abang Din and Poh Gee lao shi yesterday night. So happy to see them :) And had a great supper session with fellow dancing mates after the showcase. Though we're staying in the same college, we seldom meet each other or have time to sit down and chat. Thanks for showing me that dance is fun and wonderful. I obtained not only joy from all these, I learned a lot more about life :) Thanks Lord for giving me this chance unexpectedly :)

The Apple...

This is a story of an apple which lives on a tree. It's not way up on top of the tree yet it's still not at the lowest bottom of the tree (at least it hopes so).

On the same tree, there lives lots of apples too. Red, juicy ones, green, sour ones, the just-nice ones, the big ones, the small ones... And of course, there are lots of branches too.

This apple lives at a particular part where there are lots of branches. Being on the tree for many years, it has gotten used of the branches and had learned how to look at its surrounding without letting the branches blocking its view. The branches are just too many and few will bother to look beyond them so this apple has always gone unnoticed. Of course, the apple was a little annoyed and disappointed at first but as time goes by, being invisible is something that it has mastered and it works well for the apple.

One year follows another, this apple has seen many fellows apples leaving the tree and went with the hands who picked them away. They went with joy. Some ended in loving hands who know the exact way of nurturing them and these apples ended up sweeter and better than before. Some got crushed and ended up being bitter. Some strong ones still remained the same or even better after the terrible weather they had been through. Some apples on the tree envy all the good apples and everyday, they long for a hand to take them away from this tree. Some of these place their faith in God's hands. Some are a little impatient and some are really desperate.

This apple remains neutral. It is happy for those sweet ones and sad for those who had to go through rough wind and heavy rain. Instead of dreaming for a good hand to come and find it, it prefers to stay still among the branches. Fellow apples asked 'why'. Passer-bys asked 'why'. Ya, why? Why make this weird decision? Doesn't the apple want happiness too?

The apple just smile. Why subject itself to uncertainties when it is contend with the way it is now? Why let people nurture it when it knows it is not an easy apple to nurture? Why gives itself so many hopes when the hopes can be crushed easily? There are too many apples better than it surrounding it so there's no point hoping. Hope is something great and the apple places all its hope into other things instead of a hand. At least, when it sees hands choosing their own apple, it won't get disappointed when the hands pick other better apples instead of it. Staying grounded is better since the apple won't start to think that there's a hand coming towards it when it's just some winds rustling. Besides, its surrounding are full of branches. No hands will want to ruin and hurting themselves by passing through all the branches.

Despite what the apple thinks, other apples deserve to be happy. Seeing other apples being nurtured well, it smiles and it is happy. Yes, the apple is truly happy with the way it is now. Besides, everything is in God's hands. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If it's not, it will not :)

THE END

Finish dreaming, now back to reality (books). I wonder how much I read will truly stick to my brain forever. Please stay in my brain, I need you all. Not only during exam but throughout my life in medical field. They are not just for exam purpose, my future patients (hopefully) need them more than I do. Praying hard now :)

Frust...

Should have shut my mouth in the first place.

From our conversations, I thought we share the same thought about certain issues. Apparently not.

As much as I wish things are how all of us wants it to be ( I do want it to happen that way), it did not. I wish I can change it but I can't.

No, I can but it goes against my own principles. I'll try to stop the same thing from happening again but there are limitations, there are certain things that I can control without offending people.

Call me evil, call me stubborn, call me stupid. I don't know how many of you are going to be angry with me but I won't do it. I can't criticise people for doing it and then do it myself. It's just wrong.

I'm sorry.

Luke 6:31 'Do to others as you would have them to you.'

Luke 6:37 '... A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.'

Sighing...

Unfairness do happen no matter how fair you try to make it be.

There are times when I wish to voice out but can I? I have no control of everything and so I try to voice out only when I'm sure it won't offend anyone. Maybe I'm too timid but that's how I am.

Dislike when people don't place themselves in others' shoes. There are more to this world besides you yourself.

Dislike when people make assumption and think that they are right. Just because the person looks that way, it doesn't mean that he/she is really that kind of people. There are more to a person besides how he/she appears physically.

Dislike when people take things in their hands. Your decision may sound perfect for you but it may not be so to others.

I know I'm not perfect and I'm constantly trying to improve myself. Sometimes, I do wish that I can tell someone how I feel without them being offended. To have someone telling you your weakness is not easy, I know. I was told a few times in my life and that feeling sucks but thanks to the one who was brave enough to give me criticisms, I'm constantly trying to avoid behaving in ways that people dislike.

Life is definitely not as easy ride. But I know He's always there to be my provider and I do believe in prayers. Thank you God :)

Another emo post by an emo me...

Journey :)

Medical school is not an easy ride. Throughout my ride on this journey, I'd heard how my friend complained about how medical school had changed her from a happy-go-lucky girl to a dull and mundane girl. She is frustrated about how her life in now revolving around study and study only. I'm sure she is not the only one. The stress here is too great and sometimes, one tend to stick to the more straightforward pathway so as to get to the destination safely. No more taking risk. No more spending time in something else which is non-medical. No more letting yourself loose.

A few months ago, I made a decision to explore the bumpy pathway once again-dancing. Last year, it was a journey filled with tears, sweat and hard work but at the end, it was all worthwhile. There's just something sweet about the journey. Yes, there were tears but it was not as bad as last year. Somehow, my body was more obedient this time and I didn't have to struggle as hard as last year.

As usual, I joined 2 dances, tarian traditional kebangsaan and tarian kreatif. Lots of time were sacrificed for the practices but I am happy. Though there were some changes with the team members, we formed a bond between us fast and I truly enjoy the time we had together. I am also grateful for the great trainers we had, namely Abang Din, Abang Udean and Poh Gee lao shi. They were really patient with us though we do not have any basics in dancing. There were some funny moments (eg: The botox face) and embarrassing moments (eg: The 'Ipoh' incident). Because of their patience and inspiration, we were even more determined to do everything right for we really didn't want to disappoint them.

Our hard work did pay off at the end. Tarian Zapin and Joget were done nicely. Phewww... Though we didn't get any placing, we were happy because we know we had done our best and it was also the best one that our trainers had seen.

Preparing to go to rehearsal.

Us on the stage :)

Me after thick layer of make up...

Us outside DTC :)

Monday was the final competition, Tarian Kreatif. We managed to get 3rd place and best costume. The moment the result were out, all of us were jumping and hugging each other. It was definitely a big bonus for us :)

Us on the stage :)

Wax statue of me :P

Us with the technical team, our college penyelia, Puan Aida and our trainers :)

To all my dancing mates: Ana, Chu Yee, Marcella, Nini, Azlah, Kina, Boni, Taufiq, Hafiz, Irish, you guys are great and it's my pleasure to have all of you in this journey :) We proved that medical students can also dance :D Don't forget our post-FESENI gathering :)

To our trainers: Abang Din, Abang Udean, Poh Gee lao shi and those who came and helped us with the preparations, thanks for the support and patience :) Hope there'll be a time I can learn dancing from you again (though the chance seems rare). It's a pleasure to have all of you as our guidance throughout this journey and make the unfamiliar pathway more inviting and less scary :)

To God, thanks for being with me throughout this journey and thanks for the strength that you'd given me. Without You, I know I'll not be able to stand here and smile today. Thank you for always guiding me and comforting me when I'm feeling down. All glory are to you and only you, dear Lord :)

Now, it's back to reality. Night has seemed boring but life goes on. I still have lots of things to catch up :S Just pray that I'll reach the checkpoint safely. Same goes to the rest of us :)

P.S: Realised one thing. The only time when I can smile for a long time without feeling tired is on stage :)

Exhaustion...

Phew... I'd never felt so tired for a long time already...

It doesn't matter if I sleep at 1 something or 3 something, I'll still feel very sleepy during the lectures the next morning.

Last time, I used to stay wide awake for the daily 8-10 am lectures, but now my concentration has reduced to half.

Last time, half an hour of sleep in the afternoon was sufficient for me, but now whenever my head hit the pillow, I'll need more than an hour of sleep.

Just when I think that I can rest after the competition on Monday, I took a glance at the timetable and I almost fainted. Class will start from 8 as usual and there'll be afternoon classes from Tuesday to Thursday. Sigh... I have to bid goodbye to the cg camp next weekend. Even though I'd been looking forward for it, I really need the rest and sleep like nobody's business.

Yet, I'm happy. All the efforts are worth the while. It doesn't matter if you think that I'm stupid to put myself in this situation. I know I'm loving every seconds of it and I'll never get this chance again.

This weekend will be the end of every sweat, tears and hard work. I'll miss this moment. Just pray that everything will run well and we'll have the time of our life :)

All the best to us, dancers. It's great to be a part of this :)

Consequence of Putting Eggs in One Basket...

I thought I'll be in but I guess wrong.

I guess I'm just not good enough as I thought I am.

Well, at least I know earlier then later.

Time to put up a strong face and move on...

Fishing for Confidence...

Philippians 3:13 '...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead'.

Reading through this passage, I wonder whether I'd reached this point. Everyone has their own story and I remember reading a quote which said that people are what they are not because they chose to be, it's because of things that happened in their past. And I have to agree with this.

Did my own past mold me to what I am today? If yes, I really wish that none of everything had ever happened.

I remember from they day I understand language and everything, I was called a fat and short girl. And it went on throughout my secondary school life. People were always comparing my sister with me. I was even called 'burger' by my relatives. Once, a guy came up to me and asked me whether I am planning to go on a diet. It's not that I am angry but though I am used to all of these, it still hurt. So if you're wondering why am I so obsess about my appearance, the above sentences are the 'why'.

Since leaving secondary school, I was brought out of my little hometown to other places. Though my body had left the place where I got hurt the most, I could not leave the bruises behind. They no longer bleed or hurt as they used to but the scars are still there. I found it hard to communicate with people of my same race and mood swings do strike at times. If you're wondering why am I so quiet with apparent lack of confidence, I guess since young, no one expected me to talk or do anything great and I'd been living like this since don't know when.

Since entering uni, I was involved in a few things and one of the main one is dancing. During my first year, when everyone was catching up, I felt myself falling behind day by day. The pressure was too great for me and for a while, it was hard for me to put a smile on face. I wanted to quit but it felt so irresponsible and I felt an attachment with dancing and I could not bring myself to break it off. Somehow, thanks to my lovely teammate and the ever wonderful God, I pulled it through.

This is my second year dancing. From the start, I wanted to pull myself out of traditional dance since it's not something which comes easily for me. But for the same reasons as above, I stayed forth. Now, with the competition just around the corner, I wonder whether it is a mistake that I stay on.

To my dancing mates, though most of you are not reading this, I just want to apologise. If I do seem paranoid, it's because I'm scared. I do not want history of breaking down to repeat again. If I do annoy you, it's because I can't seem to find the confidence. I'll try my best but I can't be certain that my best is the best. I just pray that I'll get through these without disappointing all of you. I wish that I can put the above verse from Philippians to practice but I can't seem to fish out the confidence in me yet.

Philippians 4:4-7 '⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'