8 :)

What a week. What a tiring week. What an amazing week. What a wonderful week.

Dance competition is finally over. All my worries (at least those related to dancing) are gone. But somehow, I miss dancing a lot. I thought I will feel relieve but after everything is over, I realise how much I love dancing and I'm seriously missing it. I don't even dare to play the music which once gave me a lot of stress for I'm really afraid that I'll start to cry. What a crying baby...

This whole dancing thing really made me realise how weak I am and how I need to depend on Him. I remember 2 or 3 weeks before the competition, everyone was catching up and I was lacking behind. I remember how my trainer was frowning trying to think of ways to make me as good as them. I remember how my team mates kept on practicing with me trying to make sure I'm the same level as them.

Of course, there was lots of tears involved. I remember the first time I broke down because of dancing. I remember it was Chooi Lin's birthday. I remember how I was very disappointed with myself for not being able to catch up. The moment I entered the room, I started crying. The second time was the day I started having cramps. I remember it was the same day as the physio treasure hunt meeting. I remember how I endured the pain since evening. After the creative dance around 10 something, I went on doing the traditional dance in front of a fifth year senior. With the pain after the dance and her comments on me, I couldn't help but broke down. The third time was during the practice with Ana helping me. I couldn't help but feeling disappointed with myself again and I broke down once again.

I was weak and I couldn't stop praying. The thought of quiting came to me but I couldn't bear to leave them cleaning up the mess that I'd made. A week before the competition, everything seemed bleak. I screwed up the showcase as well. I improved a little but still far from them and all I could do is to pray even thought it really seemed impossible. I even started to wonder. But thanks to His unfailing love, I made it. I remember a day before the competition when my trainer told me that he no longer noticed me when I dance since I was finally the same level as them. I got a shock since I didn't notice any difference. Seeing the smile on both Abang Din and Abang Zerul face and the claps that I got from my team mates, I couldn't help but smile and thanking God for everything.

It was a week when I really feel Him holding my hands and make things which seemed impossible possible. I always have stage fright and I thought I would freak out on stage especially a big stage like DTC with lots of people watching us. Sarah, Marcella and I never forget to hold hands and prayed before going on the stage. The moment I was on stage, surprisingly, I was transformed into another world and I felt myself living in the music, swaying along with the music, smiling along when dancing and all the right moods were there. After the dance, I couldn't help and but to thanks Him once again for everything.

Creative dance was the most emotional one. Our trainer told us that this dance is very personal to him because this is the first time he's doing the dance based on his ethnic group. It's something that he has never tried before and it's something that he was afraid to do so. I remember everyone in a circle with our eyes closed. When he started to cry, we cried too. All of us. It made us even more determined to do our best. When everything was over, our trainer came to us and thanked us for making the dance wonderful. Though we only got 5th, but he was satisfied.

The next day before going to cg, I made a mistake of switching on the laptop and facebooking. I saw my trainer's status on how he's proud of us. I saw my team mates' status and all the memories just flooded through my mind. This time, I couldn't stop crying. All the memories just came to me and I realised how much I miss it. When I went to cg, during the praise and worship, I thought of how God had helped me a lot throughout the week and I couldn't stop crying again. It was really paiseh, I know, but I just couldn't help it. Qin Zhi's sharing was also very touching because it was something that I went through that week and it really spoke right through my heart. All you need to do is to open your heart and pray and somehow even though things seem impossible, it'll always work out at the end. Thank goodness my mood was elevated after the ice breaking session so the tears didn't drop once again. If not, I can't imagine myself crying while he's sharing...

All praises to Him. Without Him providing me the strength and guidance, I couldn't have made it. Applause to Him and all thanks to Him. Thanks for never letting me go. Thanks :)

Again...

Maybe I should just seal my mouth and don't speak at all. Funny how all the wrong words always come out at the very wrong time and to the wrong person... And all I can do now is pretend that nothing has happened, which I hope will not be too difficult...

The competition is next week. For these past few days, I'd been falling asleep on the table while studying without me realising it. I'm really feeling guilty since I'm lacking behind and I seriously need a lot of catching up. People have been telling me not to worry and not to stress myself out since they think I can manage through but I have no confident. Sleeping at 1 something makes me feel really guilty and I no longer feel happy and smile.

Cfcs report, titas assignment, anatomy prosection and sdl, physiology and biochem... I just pray that I'll be able to manage thorugh it. After the dance competition, I'm definitely spending my hours reading and reading and reading. No more succumbing to the sleeping bug. Hopefully I can stick to this.

Anyway...

A question was presented to me and I didn't know how to answer. It's something that I force it to a corner of my brain and it's something that I refuse to think about. All I can say is that I'm afraid of hurt and I'm still placing my heart under lock and key. Though I don't know what will happen next, I'm praying that He will guide me through it. All I can do now is just relax and stop thinking too much.

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go

Fly Me to The Moon...

No thanks to Winnie, this song is going on in my head for the past few weeks especially this week (for no apparent reason). Anyway...

I feel like a fool today. Not once but twice. First, for doing the thing that I'm supposed to do. Second, for using the wrong word. In time like this, I guess these are the options that I have:

1. Take a piece of paper. Next, take a marker pen. Then, write the word 'FOOL' on it. Last, stick it on my forehead.
2. Find a tall building and jump from it.
3. Find a hole and hide myself.
4. Just smile and pretend that nothing has happened.
5. My favourite. Fly me to the moon and let me hide among the stars. (I'm sure I'm small enough to do so.)

Being a 'wise' one, I'm going for the 4th option. *Putting on a smiley face now* For once, I really hope there's somebody who can truly understand why I am upset and lend me a shoulder to cry on. But, I know, at the end of the day, no matter what happened, He's always there for me. Thanks :)