Hopeless...

About a year ago, I took up a responsibility that no one wanted.

I did all the preparations, I outlined everything, I collected all the info, and most importantly, I gathered everyone who agreed to join and wanted to be a part of the committee.

For the past one year, there were time when I felt a little annoyed, but I brushed it out of my mind since I was the one who took the responsibility. I need to complete it.

Now, I am worried. I was supposed to pass on this responsibility to the next person, but I haven't completed it. I'd been sending sms telling those in charge that I really need the pages, I really need to complete this, I really need to see the ideas materialize. But somehow, everything seems to fall to deaf ears, or in this case, blind eyes.

Is it because that I don't scream, they think that it's ok?

Is it because that I smile and said 'it's ok', they think that I don't mind?

Is it because that I don't put up an angry face or cry in front of them or beg them, they think that 'Oh, never mind, she won't mind, we can hand in anytime.'

I know you're busy. I understand. That's why when you hand in slightly later when you're busy, I'll tell you that it's ok and I'll thank you with all my heart when you do pass up. I was and still am in your shoes now. I know it's not easy to juggle study and other responsibilities at the same time. I was put in that condition when I was preparing for dance competition. I broke down a few times but those tears only made me stronger and I continued to strive. I know that medical school is not easy. We have thick books to study, endless notes to flip through and tough exams to go through. But 1 year has passed, some had finished what they had to do, why can't you too? Can't you at least tell me why instead of trying to avoid me? Am I that annoying?

I still need to summit everything to Dr. Loh and Prof Jun. By the time when I do that, I need to explain myself for not finishing this on time. Worst case scenario, I need to explain to them why I can't publish a magazine this year when all the other ex-editors finished and published the magazine before July. Will I blame it on you? I don't know. Maybe I'll just look down and apologize for being an incapable editor. Maybe I'll take all the blame myself since I'm the head of this project and that's what a head is for, taking blame for everything that the others made.

Can you just put yourself in my shoes and try to complete them so that all of us will not be look down at?

Today is the last day of July. On the first day, I was confident that I'll make this a success. I thought I can show that I can do this too. But now, I'd lost my confidence. Maybe I'm just not as good as I think I am. Maybe I'm just a weakling.

I need all the strength now, dear God...

Fragile...

After years of biology and 2 years of studying nothing (ok, maybe a few other minor minor things) but human body, one really can't help but to think that 'Wow, the human body is truly amazing!!!' We have the most perfect mechanisms to regulate our body, the most sophisticated systems to function and everything in the body, no matter how minute they are, are significant. Yet, the most perfect instrument has its own weak spots.

The human body can be very fragile too.

I was in neurological ward a few days ago. While searching for the doctor, we walked through the section where numbers of visitors are restricted. It was the section that has lots of life-supporting machines, lots and lots of tubing, ventilators, iv drips and so on and so forth. The one thing that strikes me the most was that almost all the patients were unconscious.

I passed by a bed where an old gentleman was lying down with lots of tubing. A man and a woman stood beside him, shook him gently and repeated "起来啦,不要再睡了啦." (Wake up, don't sleep already).

I passed by another room where a young child of the age of 3-5 was lying on the bed. Unconscious. The mother was looking out of the window with her back facing me. Though I didn't see her expression, her back told me that she was waiting. Waiting for her baby to wake up. Though the wait is long and seems hopeless, she'll not give up. She is going to wait till her child wake up.

These are scenarios that one typically sees in movie. But now, all of them just appear in real life and are playing right in front of my eyes. I guess what I have to do now is to learn as much as I can for I'd chosen an unusual path. Studying is no longer for the sake of passing exams and obtaining a degree, it has become a responsibility. If I don't take it seriously, at the end of the day, it's the patients who are going to suffer so I have the responsibility to do my best to avoid causing harms to my future patients.

If a human body which is made up of many and many and many components are fragile, then the human heart is even more fragile.

Lately, I'd seen people losing their heart and losing themselves. Even with the smiles on their faces and the cheerfulness of their conversations or fb status, I know that their heart is hurting in a way that a person like me, who had never been in a relationship before, can understand.

Few days ago, I heard this song and I searched for the music video. The song was sad and the actor in the music video was a brilliant one. He depicted heartbreak too well that my heart can't stop but to ache for him as well. Though it's in Cantonese but just by looking at the music video, one can guess what the song is depicting without understanding the language of the lyrics.

I guess no matter how strong something is, even a big solid stone, there'll always be the weak spot and once you figure out the spot, the object is no longer indestructible, it has become a fragile piece...

Sailing :)

Today, I felt like sailing on a vast blue sea. One moment, the sea was calm and the sky was blue. The next moment, the wind was strong and it was raining with storms and thunders.

Went through gynae round. Had an enthusiastic Dr. who had shared a lot of her experiences with us. She taught us how to place ourselves in the patients' shoes so that we'll not hurt the patients. She told us that we're not here to be a doctor, we're here to be a good doctor. She told us how to put our heart in this profession and how to put in initiatives to improve our skills. She showed us that there're reasons why we do every steps and at the end of the day, everything is all about the patients and the satisfaction that we'll get from helping the patients is priceless. Thank you very much, Dr. :)

Went through surgical round with a neurosurgeon. Every one's sympathetic drive was strong and we held our breath till the end of the round. I felt really stupid and useless throughout the round. We were bombarded with questions and were asked to clerk a patient without any prior experience. I couldn't seem to recall anything that I'd read and I kept my mouth shut throughout the session. Needless to say, after the round, there were lots of comments about the dr's teaching. Ya, he was strict but I still have to thank him. Thanks for letting me know that I need to work harder. Thanks for showing me that I'm still not well-prepared. Thanks for telling us the consequences of not knowing the things that we need to know. Thanks for the lesson. I'm not going to blame him for everyone has their own style of teaching and as much as I felt uncomfortable, I did learn a few things too. I'm just going to blame myself for forgetting even after reading. For those who have lessons with him, do go well-prepared :)

We were asked to clerk a patient who is having neurological problems. He was awake but seem confused. So we took the history from the wife. While telling us the progression of his disease, the wife couldn't take it and broke down in front of us. The uncle noticed it and tried to comfort her as much as he could. No, I don't know what's wrong with the uncle since the doctor got frustrated with the way we took the history and asked us to go back to conference room. The wife is a very strong lady for she braced herself soon after she cried. I can see that they were a loving couple before the uncle was affected by the disease. Thanks uncle and aunty for showing me that true love does exist. Thanks for showing me how much someone can care for another person. I pray that God will look after both of you and though uncle may not get better, I pray that you'll keep the happy memories with you and be strong :)

Sailed through the unpredictable sea and I'd reached the shore safely with lessons learned and experiences gained :)

Contrast...

This is what I found out during the short weekend at home.

Scene A

Me: My sister had had minimum 3 ex-boyfriends. And I really suspect she had more than that.

My friends: WHAT!!! So many!!!

Scene B

My sister: My sister (which means me) never had a boyfriend before.

Her friends:WHAT!!! Are you sure???

Who knew 2 sister whose age different is just a year can be so different?