Exhaustion...

Phew... I'd never felt so tired for a long time already...

It doesn't matter if I sleep at 1 something or 3 something, I'll still feel very sleepy during the lectures the next morning.

Last time, I used to stay wide awake for the daily 8-10 am lectures, but now my concentration has reduced to half.

Last time, half an hour of sleep in the afternoon was sufficient for me, but now whenever my head hit the pillow, I'll need more than an hour of sleep.

Just when I think that I can rest after the competition on Monday, I took a glance at the timetable and I almost fainted. Class will start from 8 as usual and there'll be afternoon classes from Tuesday to Thursday. Sigh... I have to bid goodbye to the cg camp next weekend. Even though I'd been looking forward for it, I really need the rest and sleep like nobody's business.

Yet, I'm happy. All the efforts are worth the while. It doesn't matter if you think that I'm stupid to put myself in this situation. I know I'm loving every seconds of it and I'll never get this chance again.

This weekend will be the end of every sweat, tears and hard work. I'll miss this moment. Just pray that everything will run well and we'll have the time of our life :)

All the best to us, dancers. It's great to be a part of this :)

Consequence of Putting Eggs in One Basket...

I thought I'll be in but I guess wrong.

I guess I'm just not good enough as I thought I am.

Well, at least I know earlier then later.

Time to put up a strong face and move on...

Fishing for Confidence...

Philippians 3:13 '...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead'.

Reading through this passage, I wonder whether I'd reached this point. Everyone has their own story and I remember reading a quote which said that people are what they are not because they chose to be, it's because of things that happened in their past. And I have to agree with this.

Did my own past mold me to what I am today? If yes, I really wish that none of everything had ever happened.

I remember from they day I understand language and everything, I was called a fat and short girl. And it went on throughout my secondary school life. People were always comparing my sister with me. I was even called 'burger' by my relatives. Once, a guy came up to me and asked me whether I am planning to go on a diet. It's not that I am angry but though I am used to all of these, it still hurt. So if you're wondering why am I so obsess about my appearance, the above sentences are the 'why'.

Since leaving secondary school, I was brought out of my little hometown to other places. Though my body had left the place where I got hurt the most, I could not leave the bruises behind. They no longer bleed or hurt as they used to but the scars are still there. I found it hard to communicate with people of my same race and mood swings do strike at times. If you're wondering why am I so quiet with apparent lack of confidence, I guess since young, no one expected me to talk or do anything great and I'd been living like this since don't know when.

Since entering uni, I was involved in a few things and one of the main one is dancing. During my first year, when everyone was catching up, I felt myself falling behind day by day. The pressure was too great for me and for a while, it was hard for me to put a smile on face. I wanted to quit but it felt so irresponsible and I felt an attachment with dancing and I could not bring myself to break it off. Somehow, thanks to my lovely teammate and the ever wonderful God, I pulled it through.

This is my second year dancing. From the start, I wanted to pull myself out of traditional dance since it's not something which comes easily for me. But for the same reasons as above, I stayed forth. Now, with the competition just around the corner, I wonder whether it is a mistake that I stay on.

To my dancing mates, though most of you are not reading this, I just want to apologise. If I do seem paranoid, it's because I'm scared. I do not want history of breaking down to repeat again. If I do annoy you, it's because I can't seem to find the confidence. I'll try my best but I can't be certain that my best is the best. I just pray that I'll get through these without disappointing all of you. I wish that I can put the above verse from Philippians to practice but I can't seem to fish out the confidence in me yet.

Philippians 4:4-7 '⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'