想家...

好想家
又看见mummy post 的 "the house is so quiet"
搞得我更想哭

或许是在elective其间常回家吧
又或许是不许要求，烦恼
却有丰富的三餐
又或许是那温暖的感觉吧

若我真的到东马工作
我能忍受吗？
还有一年多的时间
我该好好考虑了

想到两个月后
自己就是final year的学生了
开始心惊胆跳起来

都到了最后一关
唯有紧咬牙根
厚着脸皮地冲过它吧

行医这一道路
究竟适合我吗？
未来的我会后悔吗？

我只希望不伤害别人，
对得起自己
也对得起上帝
未来的我或许也会心满意足吧

同在一艘舟的朋友们
加油吧
有你们几位朋友
会是我这五年内最开心的事

张悬－关于我爱你

The time of the year...

It's that time of the year again. I flipped on the television and unexpectedly, Christmas movies were showing. And their themes are almost always the same-romance, romance and romance (plus a lot of kisses and bed scenes).

Saw a friend posted: 平安夜，失身夜.

Perhaps people have always thought of this as a magical moment, a time when happily-ever-after will come true. For some, to get this happily-ever-after, it means sacrificing themselves or indulging in physical pleasure.

Are these really the meaning of 25th December?

Growing up, I was never really exposed to religion. Of course, there's the Chinese rituals but I'd never believed in them. Then, I met God. 

Has it become easy after that? I was happy and blessed to found Him but at the same time, I was in dilemma.

Some said: Christmas is the time of the year when we remember Jesus Christ, the son of God who died willingly on the cross for our sin. 

Some said: It's wrong to celebrate Christmas. It originated from pagan. If you truly believe in Him, you shouldn't be involved in this. 

Which to believe? I'm still clueless. It's pathetic to be stuck in this sort of dilemma that I really want to laugh at myself. Perhaps my mum sensed my confusion. All she said was: Pray, dear, with prayers, you'll find the answers. 

Christmas or not, I'm still holding on to my faith. People may say that we are delusional, we believe in the happy story and block out the cruel reality. It's not like that. I'd experienced it myself and I believe that though reality may be cruel but faith is a funny thing. It strikes you when you least expected it and though life is horrible, it helps to know that there is someone watching over you and you know that you'll overcome it no matter what. A good father is one who lets you fall so that you'll know the lesson behind it and grows up instead of lock you in safety zone and let you be a pampered child. 

To think that now people treat Christmas and commercialised it that way is heartbreaking. To think that this celebration inflicts a religious spat is disappointing. To think that fellow brothers and sisters carry a worried heart and mind to church to celebrate this event for fear that a bomb will be planted is daunting.

Merry Christmas, everyone :) Let this be a time of giving thanks, blessing and love :) 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16. Thank God :)

PS: Not all Christmas movies are that bad lah. Please don't generalise the above statement. God bless :)

傻子...

友人说
我是个愿意享受没有爱情的寂寞女人

我说
我不愿做爱情里的傻女人

傻了一次
现在想起都觉得自己傻得很可悲
因为傻
盲目了自己的思想
还傻傻地期盼
傻傻地说服自己不是傻的

傻
或许是个过程
结局是如何
只有时间才能告诉我们吧

I'm placing everything in God's hands. Whatever it is, I know God has His plans. And I truly believe, His plan is the best :) Thanks for everything, dear Lord :)

林宥嘉－傻子

“有时清醒才是错误的开始” 

女孩的故事...

有一位女孩
才二十几出
遇上了一位异国的男孩

从朋友
到恋人
最终有了孩子

为了孩子
男孩与女孩
决定背负这责任
女孩也嫁入了异国

从前听了许到异国的故事
遇上了男孩也对这不熟悉的国家有了些憧憬
但事实不过如此

男孩出生于一位小镇
父母的想法与行为并不开明

女孩出生富裕的家庭
三餐燕窝补品
思想与行动如城市女孩

嫁入异国后
男孩到另一个国家工作
女孩与小孩在婆家

女孩不了解公公婆婆的所作所为
到后来更是怨恨
为何他们常常给他脸色看？
为何他们常常在家里说是非？
为何他们的一句一话完全没根据？
为何他们对待其他的媳妇也如此指指点点？

在这段时间
女孩认识了男孩的表妹
彼此的年龄差不多
两人开始建立友情

表妹在时
常找她聊天逛逛
婆婆常煮非常清淡的菜肴
女孩吃不惯
还好有表妹载她出外吃
爱吃蛋糕的女孩
也要求表妹的妈妈准备一个给她

但这样的日子要过多久呢？
表妹在外地读书
也不常回家
她没有别的办法
只要一天在异国
自已还得呆在没有男孩的家

一天
表妹的家庭与自己的婆婆闹了起来
婆婆就怀疑女孩
说是女孩在当中作祟
女孩的日子更难受

日子慢慢地徘徊
就算看着钟手
时间也不留情的如蜗牛般地爬

最终
受不了了
把自己的东西收好
要求表妹收些自己的东西
独自一个人与小小的孩子
到异国去找男孩

女孩现在怎样了？
没人知道
也许自己也成了婆家的是非话题
她也不管了

我与这女孩不熟
但这几天她的影子一直在脑海中浮现
不管怎样抹也抹不去

我也只能祝福这女孩
希望你最终能找到自己向往的幸福吧

Risk...

Saw this from a friend's post and it hits me immediately. 

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool;
to weep is to risk appearing sentimental;
to reach out for another is to risk involvement;
to expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self;
to place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss;
to love is to risk not being loved in return;
to live is to risk dying;
to hope is to risk despair;
to try is to risk failure.

But the risk must be taken, because the greater hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he simply cannot hear, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

-William Arthur Ward-

Which risk is worth taking? Which risk is not? I guess that's a lesson as well.

Thank God for all the blessings and falls which made me grow :)

SIL...

You said we're treating it as a laughing material. Haha... I wish I could laugh about it but it's not even funny to start of with. 

I have a ridiculous story to tell about a ridiculous person who did many ridiculous things and defend herself ridiculously.

There was a lady, a very insecure one whom I have no idea what goes on in her mind. Ever since I grew up, she had been there. 

You know when children misbehave, adults always find ways to scare them like telling them about a monster underneath their bed, closet and so on. This lady is like the 'monster'. One word of her name and all the children will shut their mouth and behave nicely.

Home has always been the place where people feel safe in it. But not for me. No, I'm not saying that I hate being at home. I don't. Home has always been homey to me. What I can't stand is that, I'm always being cornered by this lady and I can't do things that I want because I'm constantly running away from here, trying to stay away from living room or study room whenever I hear footstep, hiding at a place where she can't see me. Did it work? Of course not. This lady will start to yell my name with a volume that the whole neighbourhood can hear. After that, when her sewing machine was bought by my mum, she no longer needs to yell. She has the key to my house.

Can you imagine what it is like? Every time when my parents are out, I have to force a smile on my face, answer ridiculous questions while watching her opening every single drawer in my house. Ridiculous questions will be asked, ridiculous comments heard and then everything will end with 'Don't tell your mum'. There's no privacy. She knows what is in my house, she tries to ask the price for every single new items we have, and if there's something that she can take, especially food, she WILL take. 

Now that I'm a medical student, every single time that I'm at home, I'll have to force a smile while she goes on and on about how rich I'm going to be, how successful I'm going to be, how many specialist I will know, how I can directly lead someone to get treatment without having to queue up, how many connections I can make in the hospital and all over the world, how much money I will have in my account especially if I don't get married, blah blah blah. Seriously? My parents never tell me about all these things. I'd never bother about all these because my passion for medicine was never driven by fame and fortune at the first place. To hear someone even trying to rationalise medicine with me with money and connection is just degrading to this profession and disgusting.

I have no idea how my mum puts up with everything. I see her getting bitter day by day but there was nothing that she can do. My dad stays out of it. My sister got blamed for being a busybody but who is the busybody in the first place? I can't imagine what it is like for my mum. She goes out for grocery shopping and people asked her 'You cook?' Apparently, a ridiculous little birdie told the whole world that my mum never cook for us. Knock, knock, can I know what is wrong with your mind? You, who have never ever worked in your entire life will never know how tiring a job can be. Being a teacher is not easy like you always tell people. They have other responsibilities instead of shaking their legs and do nothing. I'm sick of listening to you telling me that 'Teaching is such an easy life. Every time also got holiday.' My mum cooks for us. She gets tired very easily but she still forces herself to cook for us. Only when she can't afford physically, then we will dine out. For goodness sake, her kitchen is just next to yours and all you can see are the few events that she's not there? Don't you see that she's there almost every evening? 

Can you imagine what it's like to have someone going around your house, poking her nose through every single things and then having someone going around telling the entire world that your house is not clean, everything is messy, got some new things which cost 'a lot'? My dad asked her not to do it anymore and she gave an innocent look and said 'I didn't. Who did I tell? You tell your wife that I never did it. I only want to sew my son's curtain. I need your house key. After that I'll return.' Please, can't you sew when my parents are around? You'd have been having the keys for years which you'd never made an attempt of returning it. The whole world knows you're the nosiest and you blame my mum in the end? This lady keeps on telling everyone that my mum is not friendly and never smile at her. Come on, you think my mum is like all the neighbours around here who got nothing to do but gossip? Every time I hear your conversations with others and I can't help but laugh at the ridiculous contents. We're not that shallow-minded and talk like that. We do have other more important priorities to attend to.

People who can be taken advantage of are given priority. My little cousin had febrile seizure when I was back home and she was admitted to the district hospital. My dad wanted to move her to private hospital but I rationalise with him. Why spend so much money when the district hospital is just fine? I went there personally and I'm quite happy with the way my little cousin was treated. My dad practically forced me to visit my little cousin when the adults were making decision. I remember there was just me, my sister, this lady, my little cousin, her maternal grandmother and my uncle's friend whom nobody knows at all. He was telling the grandma how inefficient gov hospital is, how medication is not given to my little cousin, how there's no specific dr treating my little cousin. This lady kept on nodding her head to everything he said like a parrot. I tried to interrupt but no one even bother to listen to me. When the dr came after giving us 2 hours of discussion, she pushed me to talk to the dr and disappeared somewhere despite being the 'elderly' there. I wanted my little cousin to stay there because I know the management was just fine. I apologised to the dr for not making a decision yet and the dr blew his top and walked off. The nurses kept on explaining to me that febrile seizure is not harmful. I told them I understand but I don't know how to tell them that there's a lady who would listen to some stranger instead of me who is a family and who has some knowledge on what my cousin was facing. I don't blame the dr. I looked so young and he must be wondering why this little girl is interfering with 'adult's decision'. At the end, another rich cousin came and said that this hospital is fine and how her sons were treated here and she nodded away like a parrot again. 

This lady always think that she is sick. She did medical check up and was told that everything was fine. She did not believe and showed me the report. Just like the dr said, everything was normal. I told her that and she gave me a face of disbelief which turned black. What do you expect me to say? You're sick and you need medication when you are just plain healthy?

My dad said we're treating it as a laughing material but I don't find it funny at all. I wish someone will stand up and telling her straight up instead of leaving my sister and I to deal with her. I can't stand it anymore. I'm afraid one day I'll blow my top off. Call me coward but ever since I knew I have the freedom to go anywhere I want to, I had decided to go to Sabah/Sarawak. It's the only way I can escape from all the relatives especially this who has obviously planned on how to take advantage of my job and it's the only way I can give an excuse to my mum to escape as well. People always say you must respect your elderly and I'd given her all the forced smiles that I could give but I find it hard to respect her. We can't choose our family but that doesn't mean that I have to kowtow to you. Now, my parents who rarely argued with each other had just screaming at each other because of you. Luckily my family always interact with each other in English which people like you who keeps on sticking her ears to the wall to hear our conversations can never understand.

People say that one of the most fearful thing is MIL-mother in law. I would like to add one more: SIL-sister in law.

Separate Lives...

'We are living separate lives in order to do make both of us feel alive again.'

This quote is from a dream I had yesterday when a couple resort to divorce after many years of tolerating each other. I woke up immediately after seeing that quote with my heart pounding hard against my chest wall.

A sister shared this 2 days ago during the youth service: 'Do not worry about your relationship status. God will give the best to you. You need to have faith.' This sister had a few broken relationship before she finally commit her relationship to God and after that, she had been through a many unexpected events and she finally believe that God will indeed leave you the best.

Do I deserve it? I don't know. After many years of listening to comments about my look, I gave up already. From 22 years of observing others, I see more sad endings compared to good ones. Whatever it is, I can only commit everything in His hands. Everything will be His doing, not mine.

Thank You Lord for everything :)

Blessed :)

Had an amazing night :)

When it comes to religion, I envy those who have found their direction. I believe in God. Yes, I do. I was in a miserable state and because of Him, I could finally face myself. Finally, I found it worth living because I'm here for a purpose even though I have no idea what lies ahead of me. Finally, I don't feel awkward or different. 

I believe. But I have not found a church that I feel comfortable with. The church that I was introduced first was scary. It's so different with others that I don't know whether I should follow or not. My mum used to tell me to pray if I'm in doubt of what's right and what's wrong when it comes to churches. I'd been to a few churches which I quite like but by doing so, I feel like I'm betraying my mum. I'd never gathered the courage to talk to her, even after joining Christian fellowship for years in uni, even after helping out with Christmas night and directing all the Christmas dramas. It's just so funny when we believe in the same God but we are separated by different thinkings and opinions and believes. I have always been in dilemma. 

Today, once again, I strongly feel that God is amazing. I'm currently in Taiwan for 3 weeks. I'd thought of visiting the church here but I have no idea where to go. We did not manage to do the research that we were supposed to do and suddenly, I felt purposeless here. Moreover, this is a Buddhist association hospital and I thought that every personnel here are Buddhist. Somehow, we talked to the dr in-charge once again who somehow suggested that we join the school visit. Somehow, during that visit, the head of department was there. Somehow, the HOD asked about the Chinese in Malaysia. Somehow, he found out that we are Christian and subsequently invited us to the church he is attending on Sunday. Somehow, one of the church member invited us to youth meeting. The sharing by a fellow sister on relationship was very touching. It reminded me on my faith and made me realise once again how wonderful God is. 

A series of events which led us here and I felt God's presence. It's like everything is arranged and no matter what, He's always there even when we don't expect Him to be there at all. 

Thank God for everything. Thank You for the blessing. Thank You so much :)

七星潭 :)

在花莲已一个星期，终于有时间出外走走了。又到海边来。干净的石滩，光着脚丫走起路来犹如免费的脚底按摩。波涛汹涌的海，是很美丽，壮观，但很危险。虽然海风并不大，海浪却很大，浪花也很美。就如初雨所说的，希望我们的心胸犹如海一样的阔，那大家就会快乐很多。

渔人码头 :)

又是吹海风的一天。虽然太阳很猛烈，但当大大的海风吹来时，我们都感觉不到阳光的袭击了。好喜欢海啊 :)

拍自于渔人码头，情人桥，2012年10月26日。

野柳 :)

坐在海边吹海风，冷冷凉凉的，感觉很好。多希望能住在这附近，当压力或烦恼重重时，至少有一个能让我冷静下来的好地方。

拍自于野柳，2012年10月25日。

阳明山 :)

太美了。再加上冷风阵阵，太有感觉了。才发现我好喜欢看风景。宁可在阳明山一整天，就算要我放弃在五分铺与西门町逛逛，我也无所谓，反正那儿的衣服也不怎么好看。

拍自于阳明山公园，2012年10月24日。

台北街上...

好喜欢这种感觉。微风轻轻吹，细雨点点滴滴地打在身上，走在这浪漫的街道上，犹如到了另一个世界。

拍自于台北街上，2012年10月23日。

Autograph :)

I am never that keen when it comes to autograph. I read a lot of novels and I have a list of authors that I really admire but they are all English authors who had never been or heard of Malaysia. 

If Agatha Christie were to come back to life, I'll definitely get her autograph no matter what. 

The authors of Kumar & Clark came to our campus and at the end of their session, there's a book signing session. Being a student who had been using their book as reference, I brought my book there and so as others and I got it signed :)

PS: I really hope I'll not lose my passion, no matter what. Congrats to those who had passed their exam :) Welcome to the 4th year family :)

The authors themselves :)

是时候?

又有一位小学同学要结婚了
难道是时候了？

总觉得22岁太早了
自己的思想不成熟
若要我扛起这责任
我宁可与一本本厚厚的医学书生活

可我没给予意见的余地
反正我都没谈过恋爱
也未曾对某个人有某种感觉
我或许真的是冷血吧
哈哈 :D

这几年看着旁人分分合合的
甜甜蜜蜜又吵吵闹闹
总觉得这一切太复杂了
身旁的男生都说
'以你的长相，若有人愿看你一眼，你都应该偷笑了'

算了
我还是做回我的苹果吧 :)

小学同学
祝你幸福吧 :)


PS: The internet connection is soooooooooo slow, I think even a snail/turtle/tortoise can crawl faster...

End of a week...

It's Sunday again, the end of another week. Another eventful week is waiting for me.

Monday-Thursday: Presentations & Seminars & Clinics as usual.
Friday: End-of-Posting Test for all 4 postings (*gulp*).
          : Viva voce for Opthalmology posting (*gulp*)
          : Prof Kumar and Dr Clark, the authors of Kumar&Clerk are coming to UM!!! I can foresee  
            many carrying the thick thick clinical medicine text books and line up for autograph. Haha :)
Saturday: Cindy's convocation in UKM. My dear ex-roomie has finally graduated :) Congrats dear :)
Sunday: Packing day + Last minute shopping (I hope not.)
Monday: Taiwan! Taiwan! Taiwan! Yeah :D

Time to get back to my case summary. I hope ideas on how-to-write-the-discussion will come to me fast fast...

Another week, another adventure, another experiences to gain, another knowledge to learn and most of all, another blessing :) Thank God :)

PS: Thinking of going for a short trip to Sabah/Sarawak during 2 months of elective. Should I? Hmmm...

Hyper-resonance...

Today is one of those days when I feel like I don't deserve to be here again. Not-so-surprisingly, it's case presentation day, where everyone will have a chance to stand and talk in front and your fate that day depends on how good/bad is your presentation and of course, the lecturer that you get on that day. 

Today is the day when I feel like if someone percussed my head, I'm pretty sure that it'll be hyper-resonant. Not so long ago, when I was still a young junior, I look up to the 4th and final year seniors and think of how smart they are and how I wish to be like them. Now that I'm a 4th year, I don't feel smart at all. In fact, I feel like everything is diffusing out of my brain and there's nothing there, especially when lecturers prompt you non-stop. 

I really need to work even harder. I really don't want to graduate from here with my current situation. It's just bad. 

I just don't want to be a useless doctor.

PS: Somehow in very desperate situation, all sorts of excuses will come out from your mouth. Honestly, I'm embarrassed of even trying to given an excuse. 

Grey-ish...

Met Prof V to submit my poster. He took a look at me and asked me whether I'm stressed. He said I appeared very stress compared to few months before when we're doing CRP in Johor. I told him that minor postings are relatively free and he asked me why do I still look terrible. 

Hmmm... Funny, he's not the first person to say so, even my friend said sometimes my face will appear grey. Prof V is right, I can be very particular towards things and most of the times, I'll just end up torturing myself for no reason. 

Time to loosen up a little. I can't bind myself with multiple invisible ropes anymore. It's time to be nice to  myself. 

Footsteps...

I have to admit, I'm a clingy daughter. Ever since I was a little girl, I would always hold my mom's hand every time that we were out together.

When I was much younger, my mom had to slow down her footsteps and sometimes even dragging me since I walked very slow. She used to tease me that my future partner would not walk with me as he had to slow down his footsteps just so I could catch up with him.

Recently, when we were out shopping, I noticed that the scenario has reversed. I had to slow down my footsteps and walked slowly with her. At times when I was walking without holding her hands, I would stop halfway and wait for her to catch up with me. 

My mum has always looked young. Time never seems to show on her face and hair and so I'd always thought my mum is as young as ever. But now, seeing her footsteps getting slower and her multiple complaints of pain everywhere, I feel guilty. 

A reminder to myself: Stop taking granted of the things I have now especially my parents. They are getting older without me realising...

Buddy :)

当初first year时很懵懂
多亏有了这个'家庭'
让我的大学生活里有些色彩
感谢 :)

可怜的我们，忘了找人帮我们拍照，到最后只好自拍。Haha :)

Yeah :)

同一位老先生
同一只手
同一条vein
终于成功insert了cannula

老先生说：
看你那么紧张
下次不要再紧张了
多点练习
下次就厉害了

有一点成就感
可这也是幸运的一次
还需加紧练习
把setting line and blood taking成为我的second nature

:)

PS: 谢谢初雨的陪伴 :)

信心 :)

第一次失手
第二次成功
看着血涌出来
不经微笑了一下

老先生说：
不要怕
要打针就要勇敢些

谢谢老先生给予的信心 :)

责任感...

不明白
若躺在病房里的是你爱的人
你会把这个责任当作是个累赘吗？

挚爱的人无助地躺在病房上
但该负责任的人
懒懒散散
报以轻心
满口埋怨
你会开心吗？

或许我们的理想不一样
你只向往一份轻松的工作
不需oncall
不需night duty

朋友提醒我说
我不能因别人有着与我不一样的理想
而针对那人

友人说得对
在我不爽的时刻
我还得提醒我自己不要生气

但
想到别人的父母与爱的人躺在病床上
我还是看不顺眼

Little things in life...

First week of ENT posting and the first patient I saw was an elderly gentleman who could hardly speak and he experienced throat pain. On flexible laryngoscopy, pus were seen and a diagnosis of retropharyngeal abscess was made. He was subsequently admitted to the ward for further management.

A week later, I went to my oncall duty and I met him again. 

Me: Pak cik, dah boleh cakap?

He: Dah, nak suruh saya nyanyi pun boleh.

He smiled at me and I could not help myself but to smile for the entire morning as well.

Somehow, some little things in life really can make you happy :)

Incompetence...

Today, I realised one thing. If a medical staff is incompetent, the person who suffers at the end is the patient him/herself.

The patient promised me that he will not tell the dr that I failed to insert a cannula. The thing is, I'm not worried that the dr will scold/scorn me or anything. I deserve it. Don't tell me that I'm still a medical student, don't tell me that I still lack experience. I can't possibly go on with these excuses and tell myself that it's ok that I can't perform simple task. 

In theory, everything is so easy but in practice, it's not. I do require more and more practices. If I or my loved-ones were to be the patient, I would not want the same thing to happen to me and them as well. 

I pity the patient. It's my fault that he has to undergo unnecessary pain and stress. I'm sorry, mr, for my incompetence.

Thank God that every time I screwed up,  the patients are all understanding. I do apologise for my incompetence and made your visit to hospital an unpleasant one. Sorry...

喊...

很想喊
可是喊不出

觉得自己很可笑
明明不生气也不介意
但又爱转牛角尖
又觉得不生气好像对不起我自己
慢慢气就来了

可是生气归生气
没人知道你气什么
对方也不知道
还拿你开玩笑

算了
到头来累的人只是我自己
干脆不要再气了

喊也没用
别人只会说你傻，疯
还是保持沉默好
就算生气也躲在房内
反正气很快就会消了

祝福 :)

妈妈告诉我说
有一位小学同班的同学要结婚了

妈妈还说她很好运
嫁到一位有钱人家
以后不需要工作
不需要担心钱够不够用

我对这位同学没有很好的印象
但小学毕业后
我也没跟她联络了
也不知她现在如何
或许她已改变了
或许她还是一副老样子
我不知道
也不想猜测
毕竟事情已过了十年

我告诉妈妈
我不向往少奶奶的生活
这么辛苦，努力地考取一个degree
获得一个肯定
完成自己的理想
我不想浪费它

与其担当一个自己也不知道付得起的责任
与其伤害别人或被别人伤害
我宁可紧握着一个我看得见的未来
一个我只需靠努力就可得到的未来

朋友曾告诉我
放弃在本地工作的机会
到新加坡去发展
这样就能赚取更多的钱

我和你的理想不一样
在我决定未来时
钱从来不是一个因素
我的双眼也没镶着$$
我只想要一份能帮到别人
自己也心满意足的工作

也许你说我还年轻
也许你说我还单纯
我也不知未来的我会有所改变
我只希望自己犹如自己的名字一样
找到一个纯洁的幸福

小学的同学
不管你以前对我做了什么
我也不记得了
也不想去记
若我曾得罪你
我在此道歉
那时候的你我都还小
还是懵懂，无知的小孩

衷心地祝福你
希望你能拥有真正的快乐
找到自己的幸福 :)

失望的一晚

有时候
你越想要帮一个人
那个人越不领情

虽说他只是一个小孩
但从他嘴里的每一字
每一句
真的很伤人

你已经大了
难道你还看不出谁对你好吗？

这些年来
是谁在照顾你
是谁关心你
是谁抚养你
难道你还看不出来吗？

看这一个老人家
这些年来默默照顾你们姐弟俩
受尽了气与委屈
自己的丈夫关心别人多过自己
自己的孩子成天不在家
做完工后就忙着陪别人喝茶唱歌
根本就很少照顾你们姐弟俩

妈妈阿姨们可怜她们自己的妈妈
但为了你们俩还忍住气
妈妈还买书给你们
有时间还教你们英语
还不时带你们出去
让你们去见见外面的世界
一心只希望你们能变好
不要让环境把你们变成没人尊敬的小孩

一开始还以为你会改变
但你现在变本加厉
在家不断地骂别人
自己不满意就双眼瞪着别人
翻白眼看着别人
还对关心自己的人破口乱骂
粗口连篇

很庆幸自己有父母的管教
虽然妹妹叛逆
但不至于不分黑白
对老人家还是有孝义

你的脾气
你的行为
你的言语
只会让别人远离你
还说没人把你管教好
还说你没家教

人人都说
你还小
还会改变
可是听你那晚所说的那几句话
我的心已经半冷了

我只希望有一天你能看清这一切
知道谁才是真正关心你
真正为你好的人。。。

苦瓜...

先苦后甜
还是先甜后苦？

若一点点苦都不能承受
那你还算什么？

适可而止
自己不会做的事
自己认为羞耻的事
就不该强迫别人做

当初
我也经历过
也因如此
我更知道我该遵守我自己的原则，
不让别人动摇我
就算你把我骂得狗血零头
就算你把我说的一文不值
至少我不会觉得对不起自己
这是我所得到的宝贵的一课
我也因此而感激这个经历
不怀恨在心

你们现在也许欢呼着
你们现在也许开怀大笑
我也不能完全怪你们
也许你们不了解

但未来的路很长
我很感谢有人在这段路里给我鼓励
给我支持
给我帮助
不让我因压力而崩溃

我也因此为你们难过
因为你们不会有这段经历
不会有这段美好的回忆

先苦后甜
或是先甜后苦
你们已经做了选择

Can I fit into your shoes?

己所不欲，勿施于人。

If you don't like how people treat you, please do not do the same things to others.

Every person is different, just because you know something, doesn't mean the rest will know it. If they do not know, just teach. Teasing people or condemning people are not the way to it especially if we are all on the same level. 

Put yourself in others' shoes. Will you like it if I do the same thing to you? For me, the biggest challenge is always myself and all I want to do now is to beat myself, push myself beyond the limit and to show myself that I can actually do it. There's no point of putting someone as a target and constantly throwing arrows at the target because once the target is gone, you'll just relax and will no longer try hard. 

By the way, sometimes you do tend to throw out some hurtful comments which make me feel really stupid and ridiculous. 

最坏的一面

糟了
发现我越来越不会控制自己的情绪
越来越不会表达自己了
脾气也越来越暴躁了

我常常说我不要一个好像我爸爸的男生
但我发现最糟的是
我变得好像我爸爸了

妈妈说：
你爸爸也是这样
你也跟他一样
你们俩到底要我怎样

我也不知道要怎样了...

Disturbing images...

有麝自然香，
何必当风立。

与其到处奉承那些大人物，
倒不如把自己的本分做好，
把自己所承诺的事实践，
别人就不会在背后一直说你不好。

自己自愿担当这责任，
就该负责到底，
少在大庭广众大声说话，
摆出一幅自以为是的样子，
到处说自己有多好，
有多行，
这更显示你的不行。

You reminded me so much of the politicians that I hate to think of, the same one who is gradually replicating in the political field. They think that they are so great and busy. They think that doing a little job meant that they deserve all the compliments. They think that sticking themselves with the VIPs make them look great. They think that talking is more important than action. They think that it's not their fault when they do not fulfill their promise or take charge of their responsibility properly. They think that they should boast about their ability and it's ok if they actually are incapable of performing simple thing.

But why do I keep on having this image of you standing in front of people, shouting your propaganda and asking them to vote for you to be their rep? 

It's just disturbing...

Personality Disorder...

For the past many many years, I'd been telling myself that I don't want to end up like someone I know: quiet, emotionless, awkward...

There are many things around my family that I try to avoid. It's even worst ever since I entered medical school. People expect me to lead a rich life after graduate, people expect me to provide free medical care, people expect me to pull some strings and get free medical check-ups and referral to the best doctor. It's even stressful at home when people expect me to know everything from why I got pain here and there, why are my eyes get uncomfortable to light, what's the correct postures and so on and so forth... Then there's the internet where people get all sorts of articles on all sorts of diseases and studies and then they expect you to know all those.  Even rare rare disease also I'm expected to know. I'd tried to explain why I can't know everything but like people always say, unless you're in the medical field, you will never understand the life of a medical student and doctor. I get all so frustrated and I put up my poker face when I have to face with these.

There are so much emotions going on in me but I can't let them out. After that, I became the person I hate the most in front of my family, the quiet and the worst of all, emotionless girl. And I hate myself. 

I guess that's why I want to escape. Escape to somewhere where nobody knows me and I can be myself. Being with people I know and familiar places just make me awkward especially when it comes to working. I need a break from all these. 

PS: All of these came to me when my mum said I'd changed. She said one day, I'll not pick up their phones anymore. I'll not talk to them anymore. I become too proud because of what I'm doing. She said I no longer call home as I used to. The thing is, every time I called, they will just ask me what do I need and within a few minutes, the conversation is over. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. Don't even talk about my dad, he doesn't even talk to us unless it's important matter. There's no chit-chat, conversation, nothing. I see my friends' interaction with their family and I began to realise that mine is the odd one. Truth is, I'm always waiting for my mum to call me just to ask me how I'm doing. Guess this is something that she won't know...

Blessed :)

Love is when...

You felt a movement in the middle of the night

then you realised that some one was reaching for the blankets and covered you with it

for fear that you would feel cold.

In this moment, even for a few seconds, I feel blessed :)

Grateful :)

Here am I, sitting in the dark living room, with hymns playing in my ears and my sister sleeping soundly beside me and reality finally sets in...

I'm finally back home. I'd managed to overcome the exam by God's grace. For a second, I really thought I'll not see my name in the list. 

Thank God for everything. I realise I still have a lot more to learn, there are still many knowledge that I lack, that I should know but I don't know. Funny how it always take a challenge, a near-failing episode to make one realise that you're not good as you think you are.

I have a long long long way to go. This is just the start of many more tough exams and challenges. Thank You Lord for always watching over me and providing me with strength when I think I can no longer make it. Thank God. I know I'd strayed but I promise I'll be obedient and mature from now on. 

Thank You :)

The wait...

Yesterday was the end. But will it really be the end of it?

All I can do now is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But how prepared am I for the worst?

Since yesterday, I have been busied myself with my laptop, book... The moment I stop, the thought of exam will come and I can't stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks... 

All I can really do now is stay still and pray for the best. Thank You for being my fortress. If it were not for you, I doubt I'm still sane after all the stressful weeks. Thank You :)

韦礼安-We'll Never Know 


'We'll never know the answer, 'cause you never chose 那选择.'

I didn't have faith with this pathway, I went on with other choices but at the end of the day, I was led to this pathway again. It's not easy, the exam is getting tougher and tougher and I expect the future ones to be even tougher. I'll never regret my choice as this is what I want deep down. I just hope I'll have more courage to face all the difficulties that come with this pathway. 

Blank...

If anything were to happen, I don't know how I'll take it. All I can say is sorry, sorry to my parents who had faith in me, who didn't stop me from choosing this path and who had to worry about me ever since I'd walked down this path. And of course, sorry to Him. It's all my fault, no one else. 

All I can do now is forced myself to stop thinking about my performance and work hard for the final obstacle. 

黄美珍-只怕想家



我以為如果有熱情有成長有理想
最後總會被了解被培養被獎賞
怎麼城市像戰場　充滿痛與傷
好像終於能容忍能頑強能埋藏
心裡還是很孤獨很迷惘很悲傷
不再笑得像太陽　靜得像月亮


我什麼也不怕　只怕想家
和爸媽說我一切都好淚總會落下



寂寞就是想從前想逃亡想分享　想回家


很怕电台播这首歌
每次听到心很酸
尤其是在这几个星期内
眼泪一定不断地落下
控制也控制不了...

鸟日子...

What a week...

I don't know what to say also... 

Might as well don't type too much. There're just too many episodes of mis-communications. I don't want to create another. 

Anyway, share a song for those who are reading this. Very suitable for us who are half-dead with all the notes :)

韦礼安-鸟日子

子 詞曲/演唱：韋禮安

總搞不懂 早起的蟲 怎麼生活 難道像我
怎麼做怎麼錯 怎麼我還不想放手

早起的我 總是落空 到底誰說 努力就
有天成功 到底哪天誰告訴我

日子一天天度過 曾經的熱衷 不甘願就這樣消磨
嗚~~等著我 什麼時候 離開枝頭
嗚~~不回頭 願望不多 只要我能相信我
逆著風 就能飛上天空

加油吧 :) 我也读到很想哭了:'( 

包袱...

我曾认为

包袱背得太久

该放下时

已不知该怎么放下了

常怨天尤人
说是他们的错
说是他们把我变成这样
要不是他们
我现在或许是位快乐的女生`

但想想

倘若放不下

沉重的包袱就时时妨碍你的生活

久了

自己就没了安全感

没了安全感

就开始胡思乱想

越想越多

脑力满满都是worst case scenarios

越多不好的画面在脑里闪过

你越想避开

但当事情发生时

一个人就容易崩溃了

崩溃时

你只看到你怕看到的

你只相信你时时猜测的

不再理智地想

这样太辛苦了

难道你想要这样吗？
道理你我都会说
可是你我能做到吗？
难道要一生凝望着一堆堆的人生道理
但没勇气实践它们吗？

放下也许不容易

但唯有这样

你我才能真正的快乐

友人说：

物来则应

物去不留

安住当下

无弃无求

我了解

是时候放下

改变自己的心得

让自己更快乐

也许我不能一夜长大
但只要我愿踏出第一步
我相信有一天我能放下这一身的包袱

谢谢身旁那些让我觉得自己存在的人

若不是你们

我也许还很消极地过活

谢谢 :)

也谢谢上帝
我知道您在我身旁
看守着我
保护我
谢谢 :)

苏打绿-喜欢寂寞

曾听过这首歌

但没真正理解歌词的意境

谢谢初雨姐再次介绍 :p

（文/青峰）走過了多少，就會換得多少，過去的種種痛苦或喜悅，都會變成養分。無論是一個人的時候更自由，或是孤單的時候更渴望，當某些情感放下的時候，就是一笑而過的怡­然自得。

阴天的向日葵...

向日葵
对你我来说
理所当然
是热爱阳光的

当一朵向日葵不再往太阳看
问号在你我的头顶上开始冒起
大家互相猜想，
猜测
最终下了一个自认很好的总结
还洋洋自喜
说自己很了解这朵向日葵

可是
仔细想
答案只有这朵向日葵才会知道

或许它不小心伤了根茎
无法往太阳看
想要求助时
发现身旁的花都自以为地下了结论
说它孤僻
说它离群
说它自闭

受伤的向日葵只好装着没事
继续背对着阳光
等待哪天
有朵花愿意回头看它
愿意了解它
愿意为它疗伤

可是这一天会到来吗？
难道要像睡美人那样？
痴痴地睡了一百年
等待王子来拯救她？

受伤的向日葵只能振作
一点一点地在伤口上敷药
盼望着痊愈的哪天
再抬起头往太阳看

也许需要一段长的时间
但它相信总会有那么一天

加油吧，阴天的向日葵 :)

韦礼安-阴天的向日葵

鱼儿加油记

路
往往要走下去
才知道自己正往着对或错的方向

旅程
往往要兜下去
才知道自己喜不喜欢这陌生地方

险
往往要冒过后
才知道自己有没有勇气再度尝试

梦想
往往要实践后
才知道自己能否成为憧憬的自己

欢笑声
哭泣声

哈哈笑
呜呜哭

灿烂笑容
奔腾眼泪

一双笑眼
一把鼻涕

前者或后者
我不试
我不拼
我不烦
我不恼
我肯定会后悔

加油吧，小小鱼 :)

想家...

很想很想家


每一次接近考试都是这样
承受不了压力
就有一股冲动想跑回家逃避

第一次面对失败是在大学一年级
虽然只是小考
但还是很失望

第一个大考来临时
本以为能冷静地面对
反正从小
考试对我来说都只是小儿科

那时上完最后一堂课
回到房后
开始喘气
心噗嗵噗嗵地跳
眼泪不断地掉下

当时不管了
直接把衣服往包包里丢
到处问路
迷迷糊糊到了火车站
在大大的KL Sentral里盲目地找票站

买了车票后
坐着等火车时
就打了电话回家
哭着跟妈妈说我在回家旅程

回想起
上天真的对我很好
很难得火车那天准时到站
恰巧父母当天也没预期地到芙蓉或马六甲
二小时半后
我就到家了

现在的我独自一个人在宿舍里
室友在最后一分钟回家了
好多人也早已回家了
剩下我一个人在这里
面对着一叠一叠的书
与刚冒出的URTI symptoms。。。

好想好想家。。。

林宥嘉-越反越爱


越反越爱
越听越爱

Reminiscence...

It has been almost a year. 

In addition of books, we spent a year with patients; clerking them ,examining them... Some are nice, some gave advises to us, some closed their eyes the moment they saw us, some shooed us away...

A year may seem long but for us here, it passes like a rocket. Everything is fast and furious, study like crazy,  go shopping like crazy (at least for me...), sit for exam 2 monthly, write furiously during exam, heart lup-dup non-stop when doing long cases/short cases with Profs/senior Drs. Different dr, different technique, different style, different teaching method. Different student, different study method, different personality, different degree of kiasu-ness. 

Started with O&G. I'd always thought that I'll love it but it was just ok for me. There was no special feeling or whatsoever. Started our week with Prof Eugene and continued 3 weeks with Dr Valli. Both are very knowledgeable :) I do love to palpate mummy's tummy though. It's great to feel the foetus in the uterus :)

Our first lab outing.

Moved on to 1 month of Primary Care medicine. Different dr every day, then different rotation for the last 2 weeks. Got embarrassed for not able to perform cranial nerve examination properly as I'd just started. The one I love the most would be the Maternal and Child Health Section. Every morning, without fail, I'd stared at all the children and smiled widely as I signed my attendance :)

2nd outing after PCM posting.

Then it's time for Paediatrics. Strict but nice dr. Realised I do like children. But I'm still not very sure whether I'm able to handle them. Irritated one of the dr and then I started to doubt my skill. Hmmm...

With Prof Lucy and Dr Shekhar. 

Next, it's medicine. 2 different dr for 2 different month and we did a lot of adapting. First month was very laid back. I got to go for home visit as well as had some exposure to palliative medicine. Then the next dr came and we had to cope with his high expectations. But he is good. He is really good. 

With our first medical dr, Dr Loh.

With Dr Chong, the very knowledgeable nephrologist. The other groups are jealous of us :P

Next was surgery. Not to say that I hate it, I didn't love it as compared to medical and paeds postings. 

With our first surgeon, Prof Law.

Our 3rd surgeon, Dr Khaidir.

Had CRP in the middle of surgical posting. Spend 2 weeks in Kluang, Johor. Did house-to-house interview in Kampung Baru and got rejected a lot :( Did thematic project and as the editor, the stress fell to me eventually and I recovered partially 1 month after that. 

With Dr Victor after we won 2nd for our thematic presentation.

Last but not least, the 2nd medical posting. This time, 3 drs took us. 2 for 2 weeks and 1 for the last 1 month. All 3 are new drs and my group is their first batch of student. All are responsible, willing to share and teach and most of all, their skills and knowledge wowed us a lot.

With Dr Lim, the youngest of all, another very knowledgeable nephrologist.

As in today, 27th of July, I had my last ward round. Now it's time to prepare for end-of-posting test and the worst, final exam. Just pray that I'll make it. Time to work extra extra extra hard. All the best everyone :)

Match-stick Figures :)

Phew...

What a week. Too much of emotions involved and days of mood swing. Bad bad me. 

Realised one thing though. Match-stick figures are the only thing that I'm capable of drawing. And in desperate situations, match-stick figures save my life :P Very very much cacat but well, what can you expect from a medical student who have no sense of arts? :P

Match-stick figure no.1. See, stomach also cannot draw properly.

Match-stick figure no.2 with some funny-looking organs

Heard a scenario in the ward about a medical student regarding his/her lack of basic medical science. I really need to buck up. Dr L is right, we are very very very lucky to be studying medicine in this university where teachings are properly conducted with dedicated and enthusiastic lecturers. I do not want to end up as a med student/dr whom medical sciences are very much limited and going around with a license to kill. It'll be a waste of time, effort, resources and money. 

戴佩妮-光着我的脚丫子

Very sweet and cute song :) 

Must stay away from emo songs. I need cheerful songs to boost up my mood :) I do not want to end up as another depressed med student... 

PS: I do think and care too much. Luckily relationship is something that I refuse to dwell on. Too much of emotions involved. Too difficult to handle. Salute those who are brave enough to take up the challenge and stay forever and ever :)

勉强幸福

纯粹想要分享这首歌

很少遇到我很欣赏的歌手

第一次听他的歌是在考试前夕

那时反复的听

每一首歌都唱进心里

听得眼泪不知觉得掉下.

这首勉强幸福

第一次听还好

过后边听歌，边看歌词

眼眶都湿了

心也酸了.

勉强的幸福

难道幸福吗？

林宥嘉-勉强幸福


PS: Someone send me this message: "I saw your family photo. Your sister is really prettier than you leh." Ouch, just because I grew up with these comments from guys, and just because I'm used to it, doesn't mean I won't be hurt by comments like this. Guys... All are insensitive creatures...

Dilemma...

When I entered med school, many seniors and lecturers said med school is not easy. You need to make sure that you really want to do this. You really need to motivate yourself frequently. If not, you'll get carried away when the stress comes and you will not know how to handle it. 

And that's what I'd been doing recently. Motivating myself. Reminding myself why I chose med school. Why I want to do this. What are my purposes behind all these. It's not easy, especially after Dr L who graduated in 2007 told us that failing exam was unheard of during his time. And I wonder what is wrong with us. Lecturers blame us, some lecturers blame us and their fellow colleagues. And then the name and maruah of university come into place and we are blamed for menjatuhkan nama and maruah and of course, the standard and quality of the top university. 

Anyway, the past one week has been a normal week with some dramas here and there. 

First of all, we have a new medical lecturer. He is an ex-graduate who refused to tell us the year of  his graduation and this is his first time teaching students. He has an entirely different method of teaching and he's slightly more particular when it comes to examination technique. That reminded me of the first day of class, when I became the guinea pig and it ended badly with corrections everywhere and smirks on some fellow colleagues face. Well, not everyone enjoys his teachings. Classes will end with comments here and there. Sometimes the comments are quite hurtful. Especially when it is related to the way he dresses, blah blah blah. I choose to keep quiet. True, his teaching method is different but I respect him. He is willing to teach and he is willing to come in the afternoon to give us classes. For that, I respect him. He is also very gentle towards patients and he does talk nicely and informing the patients before laying a finger on them. From him, I can see a passionate medical student when he was my age. He is willing to answer our questions and he is always prompting us to visit the clinic, unit instead of just staying in the ward. I really don't think it's right to comment about his dressing and teasing him at the back for he is truly a responsible educator. It's even harder when I'm the minority in the group and everyone else is doing that so I remain silent to avoid conflict. 

However, I was left frustrated on Thursday. There was a young, fragile, timid-looking Malay teenager in the ward. She has a history of rheumatic heart disease. This time, it might have been complicated with infective endocarditis. Of course, many many many group of students went to examine her. Being a young, fragile, timid girl, she didn't say no. She just sat there quietly. After many many groups, my group brought dr to her. Then the dr chose a male colleague to do the full CVS examination. At one point, when her shirt was almost removed (prompted by dr since she didn't say no at all), she screamed and said no. We respected her and the male colleague went on with the examination with her shirt on. All the girls in the group noticed that she's almost crying throughout the examination. Yet, she held her tears. After examination, before we discussed about the findings, someone asked about the schedule for the next day but he said he'd come to that later after we're done with the girl. Yet, the one who asked pressed on and the discussion started with the girl sitting there clueless. One of my female colleague interrupted the discussion and asked for the discussion to be done outside. We quickly discussed about the girl's condition and left the girl alone. All the girls stayed back and comforted the girl for she started crying when the dr left. The geram part was, none of the guys noticed her distress. All they cared about was the murmur. They saw our frustrated face and kept on pressing us what was wrong and we were even more geram. Insensitive guys, a young lady is tormented with the fact that guys are touching her chest for the sake of examination. It was so apparent but their mind was fixed at the murmur only. 

At the same time, there's a lady diagnosed with myelofibrosis in the ward. Just like the textbook description, she has massive splenomegaly. This lady is in the isolation ward and she's just started her chemotherapy. Meaning, the patient is immuno-compromised. Before that, dr did tell us that we should not touch patient who is on chemo for their immune system is suppressed and we'd be the one who is spreading the infections to them. My fellow colleague wanted to examine her but I refused to do so. He went on without me. I was fortunate to meet an elective student who brought me to a nice gentleman with aortic regurgitaiton and showed me all the signs. He knew about the lady and he refused to examine her as well. On Friday, I told the colleague who examined the lady my opinion. He took it very lightly. He said it's not everyday that you can palpate a massive spleen and he used the hand sanitiser before touching her. It's as if infection is not a problem as long as he gets to palpate the spleen. I continued by demonstrating that if his mother was the one lying there, will he like it if someone else did the same thing to his mother? Much to my dismay, he said:"Touch wood, touch wood, don't curse my mother like that lah. Are you trying to say that she will get myelofibrosis?". Fine, I kept my comments and my frustrations to myself. 

I don't understand. I thought the first rule in medicine is to do no harm. I'm constantly in dilemma. These people make me feel like I don't care about the spleen. They make it sound like I don't care about the knowledge by not going to palpate the spleen. They make me feel like a bad and lazy student. However, shouldn't knowledge obtained without harming or putting the patients at risk? I don't understand how they can close their eyes towards the risk and look at the patient as if she's nothing but a freaking spleen. I don't understand. 

Sigh... Maybe I care too much. I need to remind myself another thing. Compassion is nothing if you don't have the knowledge. Why can't osmosis work? I fall asleep on top of my books every night without me realising and yet, osmosis didn't happen also. Sigh... 

PS: In no way I'm trying to bad-mouth my colleagues. They are all amazing, smart and hardworking people and I'm thankful for I had learned a lot from them and they had given me supports and laughter throughout. These are just small events and like I say, maybe I care and think too much.

PS: Read my previous posts and I couldn't help but laughed at my naive-ness, childishness and emo-ness. By the way, I won't give up that easily even after all the criticisms. I will still take on the role of leader if I was chosen again and I'll improve myself. But no way I'm giving up that easily. 

I may look small but I'm determined not to let people look down on me. 

Tears in the Hospital...

It's been about a year and tears are no longer stranger to me.

The first time I saw a patient passed away and tears were seen on the family members' face. My group mate could not stand the scene and was very much affected by the scene. I thought I'd be affected but it didn't happen. I stood there, watched the scene unfold in front of me and moved on. My lack of emotion did scare me and I felt heartless.

Few times, I'd seen family members crying and shouting. There were scenes where the family members came back to the ward and scolded all the doctors they could get their hands on after their loved-one passed away. 

Besides anger, there were appreciation as well. I remember once when I was flipping through the case file, 2 family members were asking the specialist about their family member and at the end of it, they sincerely thanked the Dr for everything they had done and they mentioned that they appreciate everything. 

However, hospital is a place comprises of many people, not just the patients and family members.

There were moments when I witnessed junior drs being scolded by the superior so badly that they looked almost like they were going to cry. There were times when patients encouraged me to stay strong because they had seen many young drs being scolded in front of them. 

I had my fair share of teary moments too. Those were tears of disappointment after performing badly. Usually, I controlled the tears and right after class, I'd run away from the crowd and back to my room. I refuse to show my weakness in front of my colleagues especially in the ward and in front of patients because I believe I have to be professional. Patients are already suffering from their disease and there is no need for them to see tears from medical students like me. Being reprimanded from lecturers may be embarrassing but we are dealing with patient's life and there is a need to be professional and competent. I'm just very much disappointed with myself for my lack of competency. 

Few days back, when I was in the elevator, I saw a student from another university squatting down and crying in the packed elevator. Part of me wanted to comfort her but I have no idea what happened so I held back and reflected upon myself. 

Now, with exam coming soon, emotions are even harder to control. Tears of frustration, disappointment and fear are all fighting to come out from my eyes. With people constantly psycho-ing you directly and indirectly, it's even worst. Yet, there're times when there're no emotion at all and that's the scariest part. I try to go on with my routine but fear is always at the back of my mind. With many things going on, I just want to make it through smoothly. 

To the children who put a smile on my face, although you may not know it, thank you for relieving my stress temporarily :)

To Him who is always there, thank You :) 

陈慧恬-管理时间的人

好有意思的本地创作歌曲

当我们觉得没人理会我们时

请不要放弃

也许时间还没到

只要有点耐心

该来的都会来

Mindfulness...

Mindfulness...

I was told about this few months back but I never register it in my mind.

And now it's coming back to haunt me.

No point of regretting now...

压力...

考试只剩区区的一个月
上课第一天就犯错了
两个星期前也是一样犯错了
我还能撑得住吗
还是我已不行了
还是我已走错了路...

葡萄...

有人说我
尝不到葡萄
就说葡萄酸

我想说
我看过别人摘下葡萄
想也不想地放进嘴里
到最后被酸味弄哭了

不是因尝不到而说它酸
而是很确定它是酸的
不想折磨自己
宁可不受诱惑
不嫉妒他人
不渴望
置葡萄于千里外

再说
葡萄只长在一些地方
若放下葡萄这牵挂
就能不受约束地
到更大更阔的世界探索

徐佳瑩-惧高症

好好听的一首歌
词也写得很美

但倘若一个女生克服了恐惧
不停地攀登高处
往下看时
发现原地一个人都没
答应与她一起在高处欣赏夜景的人也不见了
她还会愿意往高处爬吗?

包容...

包容
说易不易
说难不难

不同人有不同的想法
不同的观念
不同的意见

很多时候
大家都不赞同彼此
一谓觉得自己是对的
别人是错的

但当我们站在那人的立场想时
往往发现那人不是完全的错
只是大家都是截然不同的人
都以不一样的角度看同一件事

学会包容
放下自己的自尊与傲慢
冷静地想想
自己或许也有错的一方

包容
若它不再存在
友谊不会产生
情人不会有结果
世上还会有爱吗？

Glee-Shake It Out


The thing that strikes me most of this song is the lyrics.

'And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa'

P.S Happy birthday, my dear friend :) Just want you to know, it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so just shake him off. 

Tolerance Level...

It's been a week

And I feel weak

I wonder how long can I go by each day like this...

Regretting for not having the courage the learn when I have the chance...

Birdy-Skinny Love

Nice one :)

Hmmm...

'Even if you're still on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there.' Will Rogers

I wonder what has happened to me...

关心妍-爱是不保留



常听说世界爱没长久
哪里会有爱无尽头
尘俗的爱只在乎曾拥有
一刻灿烂便要走
而我却确信爱是恒久
碰到了你已无别求
无从解释
不可说明的爱
千秋过后仍长存不朽

谁人受痛苦被悬挂在木头
至高的爱尽见于刺穿的手
看血在流反映爱没保留
持续不死的爱到万事不休

惟求奉上生命全归主所有
要将一切尽献于我主的手
我已决定今生再没所求
惟望得主称赞已足够



Thank You :)

Trials...

We often talk about trials,

How trials will be difficult,

How trials will be torturing to our souls, 

How trials can be overcome by staying strong and praying so that one will not lose the trials and lose things that one care for. 

But are trials that easy?

Things are very much easier said than done. 

When you're not going through trials, you will say that anything can be overcome. 

When you are in the middle of trials, the struggle is not easy. 

One stupid decision or action can easily kill everything especially years-long friendship. 

And guilt will haunt you for the rest of your life. 

I really do not want to see you sacrificing when I know that you really want it and I really do not want to see disappointment in you especially in periods like this when everyone is stressful.

Things may be easier said than done but I still need to do it. 

It's time to pray. Pray that I'll make the right decision and pray that everything will be alright. I know that You have a plan for me but it's really frustrating when I do not know what I'm meant to do and I need to rely on my judgement and Your guidance to make the right decision. I have no doubt for You but I'm doubtful of myself. 

I need more faith and strength. 

Whatever it is, thank You so much for everything that I have so far. Without You, I'm nothing.

‘主啊，
我们不是在自己的生活里寻找你，
而是您把我们摆进您的思维，
生命架构里。
过去我曾多次多方的拒绝，
只因为您不合乎我自定的种种条件。
我目光短浅的骄纵与自私，
但是主您从不舍弃我，
并一直爱着我。
主我感谢您，
愿您照着您的心意，
持续建造我的生命。’