New Year...

Less than 24 hour to a brand new year.

Although my 23rd birthday was just less than a month ago, I have to get used to telling people that I'm 24. 

As a friend rightly pointed out, she only considers a new year once we have passed the exam. That's how much the exam means to us. 

It has been a year, hectic nevertheless. Time just passes by without any mercy and everything is ending so fast. Too fast. I'm catching my breath trying to catch up with everything. No one is ready for the end, or maybe I'm just too afraid to face the reality. 

How has this year been? Hmmm...

One word - realisation. The things that you realise, the things that takes years to realise. It's complicated and harsh but it's the truth nevertheless. 

Blessing in disguise. That's what I'd come to realise. There were bad moments but there're good in it. 

Counting my blessing and thanking God for everything. Good times and of course, bad times. 

Praying for a wiser me, mature me, caring me and more importantly, obedient me. 

Musing...

想起无语良师，也想起了老先生的那一番话。

四年多了，有不开心的回忆，也堆积了感人的经历。

Thanks to all my dedicated lecturers. Thanks to all the patients. Thanks to those whom I had come across throughout this journey. Thanks to the friendships which still go on strong despite arguments and misunderstandings. 

Another 3 months to go. Hopefully everything is worthwhile...

:)

The annual dinner. It might not be the best but it's definitely the last. 

I was hanging around and I realised some things. 

I may not be the popular girl, I may not be the one that attract people's attention and I do not have tonnes and tonnes of friends.

Despite these, I know who are the one I can count on, the one that I can smile and laugh with, the one whom I know are sincere. 

I might not have many friends but to have a few good friends are a blessing. 

I might not be the first choice for my buddyline, I'm not even in the criteria for my buddyline. Despite these, the moment I was in the line till now, everyone is so welcoming. To have senior buddy and junior buddy who are so understanding and who always support me, I know this is a blessing.

It's time for a wrap and closure. It's been 4 years plus. To leave with all these memories and bonds are a blessing.

4 more months to go. It's going to be a tough one. I can even foresee more hair fall (gosh) but this is the choice I'd made. There's no turning back. It's time to be my best and do my best.

:)

谜...

什么该退

什么该让

什么该忍

什么该给

什么该收

两个不相识的人

是什么让他们毫不犹豫地忍让

牺牲

接纳

对我来说

还是一个谜...

Nausea...

Nausea. Very nauseated. 

First year, first exam, I was so scared that I ran back home without knowing where was the train station, where to buy ticket, how to take a train. My fear got hold of me and the fight or flight in me, ironically, navigated me from KL all the way to home. 

I thought that was the most stressful period but boy, I was so wrong. 

I thought after 3 major exams, I can handle the stress but boy, I was so wrong. 

This time, there is no more running. I can only stay still. 

But gosh, I feel so nauseated most of the time, especially when the thought of exam runs through my mind. 

:'(

I can only pray for the best...

遗憾...

“我终于懂 怎么人们的脸孔
想到爱 寂寞眼眶就转红” －自踮起脚尖爱

每个人
都有自己的故事
自己的经历
自己的遗憾

碎成千万片后
他怨她
她怪他

当初的苦衷虽已说清
可已无挽回的余地

千万片
能无瑕疵的补回吗？

只留下遗憾
在回忆里盘旋...

Let Her Go...

人
总是要等到失去后
才懂得珍惜
才晓得感激
才怀念曾经

Passenger - Let Her Go


Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

That Time...

It's that time already.

The moment I saw the instructions, I was struck. Can't believe 5 years is going to end in a few months time and it's time to apply for housemanship.

I'd decided to follow my heart and instinct.

Whether I get it or not, it's up to Him. No matter what, I believe He has a plan for me and I'll commit everything in His hands.

PS: I'm sorry, daddy and mummy. It's unexpected but I'd given you a heads up. I'm not brave but it's time to spread my wings and seek myself.

纯爱...

纯纯的感觉
如绵绵的白云
如澈澈的蓝海
如细细的白沙
如宽宽的蓝天

乌云侵袭
白云变漆黑

风雨突袭
蓝海变汹涌

暴浪冲袭
白沙离海滩

闪电连袭
蓝天离双眼

可乌云会散
风雨会停
暴浪会静
闪电会止

多纯洁
多璀璨
也有摧残之时

被覆盖的纯
难道不会再现吗?

Consequences of placing a pen in my hand with a paper on the table and a word in my head. Back to books, I have exam tomorrow. Inspiration always come when you least expect it. Though I wish my inspiration can be more astonishing and touching... Still have much to improve on...

绿洲...

傻子

听着感性的歌
想起当年
做过的傻事
说过的傻话
想过的傻念
盼过的傻梦

越陷越深的我
紧握着绳子
理智劝我爬出来
可我让感情操控了我
紧闭着双眼
期盼着童话故事的结局

被拉出来的我
泥巴沾到颈项
沉重地拖着脚
一步一步的直走
头也不愿转
深怕又陷入

如今的我
泥巴被雨水冲淡了
脚步也没那么沉重
终于鼓起勇气
从隙缝中望旧地

绿洲仍美
仍然壮观
可那充满羞耻，
难堪的回忆
怎么忘也忘不了

或许
我该真的放下一切
不再回头
可回忆仍盘旋
时间能冲淡一切吗?

A Not-So-Scary Story...

Exam:

Me: So you heard people talking?
Patient: Ya. Many many voices. Talking to each other.
Me: Can you see them?
Patient: Ya.
Me: Do they have faces?
Patient: Ya. Blurred. Shadows.

Suddenly the patient looked over my shoulder and stared.

Me: Are they here?
Patient: *nod nod*

Goose bump...

A Day in Clinic...

What a day.

Sitting in the clinic as usual. Previous clinic sessions had been uneventful since patients are stable. There had been stressful patients coming in and pouring out their hearts but I can't blame them. I would do the same if I were in their shoes. 

Today I was alone without the presence of my groupmates. 

Then patient A came in. The moment she saw me, she started shouting and accusing me. I thought it would stop but she just went on shouting at the top of her lungs. I looked at dr and she looked at me. Immediately, I ran towards the next room with my heart palpitating. 

Then patient B came in. He was sitting with his head down then he saw me. He came up close to me with a smiley face and said "You're cute." Dr called him back to sit. He sat but he would not take his eyes off me. I tried to keep my head cool and avoided his glance. He's already sick. I would not want him to have any assumptions towards me. He came close to me few times and each time, I managed to ask him to sit back. 

Emotion and mind are what make human. But when one's emotion and thoughts are distorted, when you can no longer differentiate the truth and false, when you lost touch of reality, you indulge in it and eventually become prisoner of your own "superior" mind. 

I can't blame them. They can no longer control themselves. They can no longer understand what they are doing.

One thing that strikes me though. Patient B's mother came in with a stooped figure and sad face. It's like she has lost control of everything and she can no longer do anything about everything. She did not talk much and she kept looking down. I can't imagine the amount of stress she is going through. How I wish I can go over and give her a reassurance hug... 

If...

If only I knew about this earlier
Perhaps I could have made a difference
But it's too late and prayers are all that's left

I'm sorry...

Domino...

More often than not, words are like domino. One thing leads to another.

By the time you realise you'd said the wrong thing in the beginning, there's no turning back.

Sometimes, when you're trying to think of brilliant solutions to 'clarify' things, you'd already toppled and lying in debris.

Gosh, where's the 'delete' button when you need it.

Writing is still much easier than talking.

钻牛角尖...

明明是一个深不见底的谷
一场风雨后
难免会有些积水

可太阳依旧还会升起
积水也会蒸发
野花草仍能生长

为何你仍往山谷下去
拼命找出积水的存在?

地越被践踏
花草越不能生
你也越烦恼
责怪已不存在的积水

这样的恶性循环
不累吗?

心里...

是放不下?
还是因为那是唯一
就算不深刻
仍在心里占据了一些些的位置...

洪佩瑜－踮起脚尖爱

Being an introvert...

人海茫茫
却孤寂一人
那才是真正的寂寞...

Random Thoughts...

越抹越黑的白纸
越折越皺的布织

越说越错的言语
越解越杂的心语

所说的
所做的
所相信的
所误解的
都已不能从记忆里擦掉的

裂了缝的信誉
是否还能痊愈?

道别...

宽敞的机场

道别剧情不断上场

身上重重的包袱

也不如心里的包袱

把她拥入怀中

满满感触涌在心中

缓缓拭抹脸上的泪痕

可抹不掉心里的伤痕

强颜欢笑的道别挥手

不知何时才能牵你的手

苦涩的再见

心里期盼着甜蜜的相见

＊看着那伤感的送别，心疼了一下。感叹...

选择...

或许
我已做了错误的选择...

Neverland

安妮朵拉－永无岛

如果有一个永无岛

人们在那里永远不会变老

你去不去

不去是不是

只因为

你爱这里

还是你爱你渐渐变老的身体

爱每一寸伤痕的记忆

爱你爱的人爱着你

好听

感人

:')

考试周的雨天...

滴滴答答的大雨
劈里啪啦的雷声

冷冷凉凉的大风
厚厚暖暖的棉被

朗朗上口的乐曲
扣人心悬的歌词

密密麻麻的字句
厚厚叠叠的课本

加油吧!

失去...

祷告的眼泪
换来痛失的泪水

祈求的合十
换来送别的鞠躬

慰问的微笑
换来苦涩的强容

在一起多年的恋人，
眼看就要到另一个阶段，
一方却离开了人间。

人事无常
你的坚强感动了我
可我知道你的心还很疼
泪也不知流了多少

朋友，对不起，
千言万语也不能平抚你的伤与痛
只愿你能化悲痛为力量
开开心心地走下去
让在某一个角落的他欣慰。。。

情绪与理智的对决...

情绪与理智

我盼望自己是个理智的女孩
可到头来
我败给了自己的情绪

可悲

PS: 第一次看球赛看得要哭了... :'( 不管怎样，我还是很敬佩你。Take care :')

朋友恋爱了 :)

Many years ago, when we were still young and very much much naive (at least for me, haha), we talked about love.

A sensible friend of mine said it's all just hormone. And it's that hormone which drives you crazy, makes you infatuate... And after all the stupid things we thought and did, the hormone effects go off and you'll be thinking how ridiculous you were. So we made a conclusion that we'll be sensible and not let that hormone rules us. 

Many years later, he met a girl. Being sensible, he didn't jump in straight away due to some reason. However, hormone prevails. He's now happily in love. 

Congrats, Mr Sensible. It's hard to imagine a girl who can match up to you and now that you'd met one, you deserve it :)

God bless :)

I can foresee many years from now, when I'm old and perhaps still naive, everyone around me will be married with kids and I'm still single. 

Oh wait, happily single. 

Haha... (:

叶秉桓－爱一个人

Sentimental...

I grew up with English oldies. I think even when I was in my mummy's tummy, I'd been exposed to these songs.

It's kind of a waste that most people of my age do not know these songs anymore. Or perhaps I'm just being sentimental. 

I'm not that mainstream. I'd rather pay to listen to these instead of some idol-centered performance. 

The Letterman-Goin' Out of My Head & Can't Take My Eyes Off You Medley

Kenny Loggins & Jim Messina-Danny's Song


Enjoy :)

Icy Cold...

Ischaemia - Icy cold.

I don't think I'd felt anything as cold as that.

Dr kept asking us to observe and learn from people's mistake.

However, it's too much of a price to pay for a lesson.

Sigh...

...

尴尬。。。

难道就真的这样吗？

RIP...

人事无常。

I saw you last week and now you're gone. 

Despite everything, you held on till your sons were here. 

Now that you're gone, I can't stop thinking of you. And me. 

Will I be able to be a competent one?

Rest in peace...

Just some thoughts...

有时候，深深呼吸，往后退几步，把所有的情与恨抛开，看看整个局面，才能把事情看得一清二楚。

你指我，我指你。
你怨我，我怨你。
你气我，我气你。
你我都累了。

当局者迷，旁观者清。

Things might not be as complicated as you allow yourself to think it is...

Journey and Destination...

A lecturer once told us:"It's not how fast you reach your destination, it's the journey that matters. You don't have to rush towards it, just enjoy the journey."

What will happen to me in 5-10 years time? Will I still have the passion? Or will I tumble and leave? Or will I step into quicksand and struggle to get out while everyone is already saying goodbye? Or will I be what I dream of, the cheerful, caring and smart one? 

Hmmm...

Just pray that I will have the wisdom and courage to move on. 

Thank You Lord for everything :)

Gratitude :)

Today is the sending off ceremony of the 4th Silent Mentor Program.

I thought there'd be no emotion involvement. At least not very deeply emotional involved.

I was wrong.

While standing waiting to send off the brave silent mentors, I could not help but to think of the husband of my silent mentor from the one I had the opportunity to participate. I thought of how he smiled, talked and choked with tears in front of the camera. I thought of how he reminisced the time he had with my silent mentor. I thought of the many things on politics and life which he shared with us.

He's just a normal looking elderly uncle, with grey hairs, wrinkled face and grandfatherly smile. However, during the short time we shared with him, we learned a lot from his sharing.

Uncle, we might not meet again but I just want to say thank you. Thank you. No matter where I am, I'll keep you in my prayer. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for believing in us, the young ones. Thanks for everything.

Thanks :)

PS: 大家一起相处，需要把每件事算得那么清，那么楚吗？Hmmm... Anyway, here's someone's take on love, if you're free and in need of a good article to read :)

Blessing :)

Everyday is a blessing :) It truly is.

Thanks to the cute old couples in the ward. Thanks to the funny auntie in the ward.

It's a blessing for me to come across people like you all in my journey towards destination.

Thank You Lord for all the blessings and the little things which make me smile :)

Thanks :)

To all the lovely and helpful people I'd met and will meet, thank you :)

It's truly touching when complete strangers are willing to teach and help and share some useful tips. It may not mean much to you but it means a lot to me, a newbie and junior.

Thanks and God bless :)

Qualification...

Am I qualified to do what I want to do? :(

Conversations...

#1
An 8-year-old girl and her mother were showing us photos of their visit to Kluang's UK Farm. We came across a photo of a wishing tree. So I asked the girl what did she wish for.
"I wished that I'll get well and never go to hospital again."
Both of us went silent for we knew it's not going to happen.

I wonder, when we're faced with this question, how are we supposed to answer?
Hmmm...

#2
There was an extremely adorable little girl. Everywhere she goes, people will wave at her and give her the sweetest smile ever.
During farewell session, she came to us.
"Kakak, nak salam."
We were so happy and gave her our hands. Then she went ahead and said
"Kakak, nak cium."
Awww... I was elated :)

#3
There was a father who is very outgoing. He has a lot to share and he really likes to share his opinion out loud.
"Are you all medical students?"
"Yup."
"What year are you all in?"
"Fifth, which is our final year"
"Seriously? Why do you all look so young?"
"Haha... Thanks uncle :)"
Then he pointed at me.
"Girl, you went to express class, is it?"
"Huh? I don't look so young lah."
Then I saw this photo.

Oh boy...

Awesome Weekend :)

I had a great weekend. A weekend which I'll never trade anything for.

Being a facilitator is tiring but it's so much fun.

Being with children of the teen age group is a little awkward. Guys don't want to talk to girls, girls don't want to talk to guys. It's the awkward age-group. But it was at that time I realise that you just have to make the first move then people will support you. We may not have the best performance but it's really touching that everyone followed along, clapped and cheered for us. It's truly touching :') And I hope the kids will not be traumatised by the stage. I used to be like them, scared of the stage. Now I'm better than how I was but I still haven't reached my goal yet. I'm aiming hard for that.

Being at the beach with breeze and sunset is one of the best thing that nature can offer us. Plus, with a child who was busy filling up his tiny pail and chasing us, trying hard to splash us with sea water. It was really fun. It was really calming and I love it.

Being at a table with Prof and Dr had taught us a lot. With many sharing and advice, they offered us an insight to life and we learned a lot. I'm really touched by their willingness to share and how they really care about us the future generation. We might not be the smartest of all but we'll try our best.

Every stress in life is a motivation. Every moment in life is a blessing. Every field in medicine has its charm and I need to keep an open mind. I may hate the logbook but being with patients, learning suturing, setting line, taking blood..., those are fun.

We'll reach our destination some how. Like Dr said, it's not how fast you get to the journey, it's what you learn throughout the journey.

Many thanks to the lovely Prof and Dr. Many thanks to the children and family members. Many thanks to my fellow comrades.

I'm truly inspired and touched :')

Guilt...

I feel very guilty. Very much.

Guilty for my apparent lack of knowledge and skills. Especially after seeing the smile and encouragement from my mentor. 

Thank you for placing your trust in me. I still have much to do, much to catch up. I won't allow myself to have a license to kill. 

I am going where my heart is leading me. I just need to improve myself.

You're right. My biggest obstacle is my fear. I will try to overcome them. I know I have to.

Buck up, my dear. You owe it to yourself, those who have faith in you and the community. 

I will turn the guilt into my motivation. Have faith, my dear, have faith.

Thank You dear Lord for this opportunity and all the blessings :)

Perhaps Love...

John Denver & Placido Domingo-Perhaps Love

I want to go home

Where love is unconditioned

Where love is selfless

Where love means forgiving each other

:)

That's all I want to say :) Thanks Lord for all the blessings :)

Regrets?

I was assigned to a bed and the moment I passed by, a frail gentleman was sleeping and I was thinking how on earth am I supposed to approach him. 

I talked to him for a while when he woke up. He was on nasal prong, pursed lip with suprasternal recessions. I didn't want to push him to talk but he went on talking while stopping for a few minutes to catch his breathing.

"Do you know last time I used to sing? I won multiple competitions. I could sing very well. I went to Taiwan and they all praised me. They invited me everywhere to sing. I went to China. I went all around Malaysia. I love to sing."

"Now I'm lying down on this bed, waiting for the day I sleep and see Jesus. I don't want to suffer."

Many years down the line, will I be sitting or lying somewhere, thinking about the past, wondering about the things I could do but I didn't do, heart fills with regrets? Or will I be fill with happiness, laughing and smiling and ready to leave this world with no regrets? Hmmm...

Problem Solving Session...

After all is said and done, the people that you want to count on turn their back. People that you'd never expected showed up and provided you with some comfort. 

I shall get through this. Even when people are turning away. I'm not weak.

Thank God for providing a quiet spot for me to be alone and to calm myself down without people staring at me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledging Him, and He will make your path straight."

Encounter with Death...

Every time I go for on call, a boy, who was diagnosed with malignancy, would always be passed over. 

The first time I saw him, I was shocked. Other than the gross ascites, he was all bones and no flesh. He would lie prop up with his parents with him. His younger brother would always be there. What strike me the most was the difference between these 2 boys. His younger brother was so chubby and active and he would always be playing while the older brother laid on the bed tiredly. 

That was 3 weeks ago. 

Today was my first day in Paeds ICU. The moment I stepped in, I saw him on one of the bed, sitting up, with oxygen mask, very tachypnoea with intercostal, subcostal and suprasternal recession and usage of accessory muscles. 

Fast forward to 7 hours later.

After seminar, we went back to PICU and they were preparing to intubate him. However, pressure started to drop. All the doctors tried to resuscitate him. External cardiac massage and bagging were done. Death was then pronounced. 

We 3 medical students stood there and we saw everything right in front of our eyes. After that, we stepped out and took a few deep breaths. I managed to suppress my tears but I kept thinking about all the petty things that I'm angry about, all the emotions which drive me haywire and all the love and gratitude that went unspoken. 

Life is short. One minute we may be alive, breathing in the air that we have been taken for granted, eating as much as we desire and being a part of rat race. But what will happen next? Things may take a sharp turn and the next minute, you may be at the lowest point of your life. At this point, the small matters that you worry about will not be your worries anymore. At this point, all you think about are the things that you care and love about the most. At this point, all regrets will flood through your mind. 

Live life as if tomorrow is the last. 

PS: I may know how to type all these but will I be able to practice these? I guess that's what we human are good at. All talks but no action...

黑与白...

谁才是真正对你好的？

谁在你面前嬉笑，
可是在你背后咒骂你的？

这一个月多
忙了起来
忽略了身旁许多事件

当某个人提点一下
才发觉
黑与白
确实不再明确了。。。

Race...

...
...
...
...
...
...

Honestly, My mind is blank now. I have no idea what to do already. 

Is it a tradition? A tradition that whenever I'm at the last lap of a race, I'll accidentally trip and limp throughout the entire race? 

It's one thing to be happy running in the race. Running around, seeing different scenes, seeing different trees, seeing different flowers. I forget how tiring running can be, I forget that food is a treat, I forget that rest is a luxury. All I want to do is to run and see as many scenes as I want. 

Running with a limp is not easy. I am stuck with the broken leg and I have to bear with it. Sometimes even if I feel like chopping off the leg, I have to push aside the feelings and let the leg heals by itself. Even if it takes time, I still have to hang on. 

Perhaps it is my fault. When a leg which has been with you for a while helping you with all your daily livings decided to have nothing to do with you, you can't do anything except waiting for time to work its miracle. 

No matter what, I'll still keep on running at my own pace. That's the only thing which makes me happy and that's the only thing which I can hold on to. 

I hope I'll not fail myself when the final lap comes. 

Love...

Joined Diabetic Clinic today and met 2 sisters who were diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus.

When dr told me that their mother had passed away because of complications of DM, my attention was immediately brought to the lady who accompanied the siblings. She is the aunt of these sisters. 

Apparently, the aunt quitted her job and took up the responsibilities of taking care this 2 sisters and another sister as well. During the whole consultation, we could see that she was genuinely concern about the sisters and she did not regret quitting her job. She did all she could for the sisters and all she wished for was for the sister to take control of their disease and lead a normal life.

My eyes welled up with tears immediately. When dr told the sisters to appreciate their aunt, my tears were almost at the edge of flowing down. 

Love, in a positive manner, can be powerful enough to move a heart. 

I salute you, aunt. 

Blessings :)

All of a sudden, everything rushed through my mind and I realise that I'd been blessed. Abundantly. 

Once upon a time, I was upset and comforted myself that I'm not good enough. Now, I realised that I'm not the only one who has problems. If things turned out the way that I wished it would, I am very sure that I'll not be able to tolerate and my heart will break into bigger pieces than the minor one I felt that day. 

Thank God for all the blessings :) Thank You :) When He closes a door, He'll open another door for you. I may not know the plan that You have installed for me, I'm not sure whether I had or would find the door, I'll work hard and make sure I'm not on the wrong direction. Thank God :)

PS: Different week, different rotation, different experiences, different surprises, different blessings. Thank God :) I'll try to hold on to this feeling :)

One-to-One

Had an one-to-one session with my mentor yesterday. One by one was called and lastly, I was alone in the corridor waiting anxiously for my turn. It was truly nerve-wrecking. The first one came out all smiling saying that dr was able to understand her. The 2nd one came out sighing. The 3rd one came out with a nervous smile as if he's guilty of something. And the last was me.

I have to say that it's been a pleasure. Although it only took 20 minutes, it was truly inspiring.

Dr: "It's unusual to get overexcited. Just go ahead. You're halfway there, Qing Yu."

But why do I feel like I'm still at the starting point even after being in Paeds for 1 month already?

Need to increase my knowledge and competency level.

Thanks a lot, Dr S (although I feel very much guilty after the session when I look back at myself...)

PS: I can sense further cracking. If it continues, then the things that I treasured will be lost.,,

Awesome Week :)

My week in Paeds A&E has ended. And I will definitely miss it.

How I wish time will pass even slower.

I guess I am really fortunate to have great Paeds, Primary Care and Emergency Medicine MO attached in Paeds A&E this week. And since I spend half of the time there alone, I can just walk around without making the staff nurses think that I'm an annoyance.

It has truly been an unforgettable week. And I'd never been happier than this.

Next stop, NICU with tiny little babies. Time to study on neonates.

Thanks thanks thanks :)

Just when I was coming out from the cubicle, preparing to wash my hand before examining a child, Dr F, with a serious face saw me and called me to the resuscitation room. A child with rapid breathing and grunting was brought in.

I saw them managing the patient and trying to stabilise the little boy. Dr K, the lecturer-in-charge allowed me to stay with the patient while the rest went to clerk other cases.

When it was time to transfer the patient to PICU, I asked Dr K's permission to follow the ambulance to PICU. She said:"If there's place in the ambulance, then only you can follow." Ok... So I was hoping and praying that there'll actually be an empty spot.

Then 2 ambulance staffs came and the nurse started to prepare the boy. I was counting in my mind, 1 driver, 1 staff, 1 nurse, the child's mother and Dr K. Oh no, I got no place to sit already :(

When I came out from resus room, Dr K pointed to the nurse next to her and said:"She said you helped her a lot so she asked me to let you go." Yeah :D So I managed to share a seat with the child's mother.

Thanks a lot Dr F for all the teaching and advices even though you're not a lecturer. Thanks for even trying to find us and bring us to resus room so that we do not miss an important case. Thanks to the strict-looking nurse who actually asked Dr K to allow me to follow.

Thanks thanks thanks :)

PS: Seeing the boy in that condition, I realised that 8 weeks may seem long but it's actually not sufficient enough to learn everything that I need to know about Paeds. I'm so reluctant to move on to Surgery. Sigh...

How not to mess with a child...

Long day yesterday. It's on-call day again.

While waiting for new admission, I went to clerk a patient who came in the middle of the night. Halfway through, the dr came in. It's the dreadful blood-taking session. I helped to handle the child (more like restraining the child). 

Unexpectedly, the child cried loud and non-stop. After that, I went back to clerk the mother while the child was lying on the bed angrily ignoring us. Then lunch was served with ice-cream. 

The mother gave the ice-cream to the child. The child screamed. 

I tried to ask the child to eat. He screamed. 

I moved to the opposite direction and the mother told the child that I left.

Immediately, he sat up, grabbed the ice-cream and ate hungrily. 

Moral of the story: Don't mess with a child even though he's only 3 years old.

Random...

Saw a child desaturated in front of my eyes and with all the doctors rushing to resuscitate her. I stood there praying for the little girl and I knew immediately that I'm still incapable of helping her. I need to be competent. God has given me a chance to be here and it's my responsibility to acquire the skills that I need in the future. I really have to push myself even harder than ever especially when it comes to these innocent children. 

At the same time, I witnessed another shouting episodes in the ward. The grandmother was determined to let her premature and low-birth-weight grandson discharged from the hospital. The paediatricians refused to do so as the child's birth weight had not achieved satisfactory level. And then there was the issue of the mother being so young (my age) and not married and had not even showed up to take care of the child. The grandmother was shouting throughout and after the social worker explained everything, she stormed out of the room and said at her daughter: "You breastfeed dia sampai dia pengsan lah." My heart almost shattered right there. The baby is out of the hospital and I can't bear to think of his fate. Sigh...

PS: A specialist son's was warded and was receiving blood transfusion and he complained of rashes and itchiness. At the same time, Dr S was in the ward for our teaching. The specialist asked for his help and Dr S went. The specialist told the son:" Son, don't be rude, remember this dr. He is a GREAT doctor." Immediately Dr S Said: "No no, I'm just a small doctor trying to help. That's all." It's truly inspiring to have such a brilliant doctor who stresses on humility to be my mentor :)

PS: I was rather upset yesterday as I accidentally did something terrible. Just when I was deep in regret, a friend saw me and offered me a chocolate randomly. It may just be a random act of yours but it means so much. Thanks a lot :)

From solid to liquid...

I told myself that I shall not and will not melt.

I melted today.

Damn it.

A Normal Day?

It was a quiet evening in Paeds ward.

Most kiddos were in the room, on their bed, eating, entertaining themselves or chit-chatting with parents.

Some children were in front of the tv, watching upin and ipin while laughing.

Nurses were filling in the charts while doctors were resting.

The 4 medical students were sitting around the desk, waiting for dr to come.

Then there was a slight commotion at the corridor. I turned to look, parents were crying with relatives around them. A pale child was just diagnosed with ALL.

This reminded me of my favourite book, Tuesday with Morrie.

When Morrie was told that he has ALS, he and his wife were in shocked. "When they left the hospital, the sun was shining and people were going about their business. Morrie was stunned by the normalcy of the day around him." I remember the lines very well: "Shouldn't the world stop? Don't they know what has happened to me?" "But the world did not stop, it took no notice at all."

Sometimes, it just strikes that the world does not evolve around you alone. No matter how happy or sad you are, the world still goes on. The earth does not stop spinning for you. Sometimes, it is best to stop your footsteps for a while and look around you. One will notice many things, good or bad and keep a grateful heart.

Will keep this child in my prayer.

PS: Saw a child who was diagnosed with congenital hypothyroidism during neonatal screening and was given thyroxine subsequently. He is now 3 years old, active and bright and as normal as other child. Don't know why but I can't stop smiling and being grateful for him :) A simple test and medication helps this child and prevent him from suffering from learning difficulties. Hope you will have a bright future :)

Last few days before final...

This is it.

The end of 4th year.

Starting with Paeds on Monday. With the new system, there'll only be just 4 of us in the ward/clinic/A&E/PICU/NICU and the scariest part, wardround.

It's scary but I'm quite sure I'll learn a lot and well.

Time to put up a tough appearance. No matter how you scold me, I'll not melt.

Go final year :)

To Say or Not to Say...

I may be very much frustrated with what is going but I might as well swallow everything. If I scream it out and loud, I'm just going to hurt the people around me or being despised by them. It's not like I have much chance to say anything also as people keep seeing me as a child.

I'll forget the frustrations soon enough.

Read this in the paper by the famous writer 张小娴. 

一直自以為是個喜怒形于色的人，我突然發現，我也是個喜歡把什么都憋在心裡的人。悲傷、憤怒、愛憎……統統都放在心裡不說出來。

　為什么要說呢？除非有一個懂你的人，你可以放心把憋在心裡的話跟他說，不必擔心他會誤會你，不用害怕他瞭解你的黑暗和軟弱之后會不愛你。可是，有時候，憋住憋住就忘了，就不想說了。

　這樣的人多么自虐？要是能夠做一個瘋子，無論有什么不高興和委屈，統統連珠炮發，寧願傷害別人，也不要憋在心裡折磨自己，這樣是不是會比較快樂？

　或者說，不憋在心裡，也不說出來，悲傷、憤怒、愛憎和我執，統統都丟開，明白生命不過是幻影，不要糾纏在這些微不足道的事情上。物來則應，過去不留。

　是的，應該是這樣。

Prevention...

"Prevention is always better than cure."

A good quote that does not apply only to medicine. Sigh...

陈奕迅－积木


感情從來就不聽話
從愛出發 卻通往複雜

Pain...

Gynae clinic:

Typical afternoon clinic with patients who came in for follow up. Patients all appeared comfortable, laughed with doctors and all were reassured. Then the last one came in. 

The moment I saw her, I knew something was not right. She looked so uncomfortable and appeared to be so much in pain. Just a short distance from the chair to the examination couch made her cringe. After lying down, she just laid there holding her stomach and tears were flowing from here eyes. I couldn't help but pat her shoulder lightly. 

After arranging for admission, doctor told us (the patient and the dr are both indians) that the patient came in the morning but Dr V was in antenatal clinic. She went to A&E many times and she was send off after i.m. painkillers. She was so frustrated with other doctors and subsequently went back home. In the afternoon, she came back just so she could meet with Dr V. 

Pity the lady. I can't help but to wonder what will I do if I were to see such a patient. I wonder what kind of doctor will I become. Hmmm...

Dr V: Next time, when you all work, please be hardworking. With so many doctors being produced, you all need to be the exceptionally good one. Haiyo...

I smiled like a typical medical student :)

PS: Now I know how painful adenomyosis can be. Pity...

PS: Saw a fetal heart beat on ultrasound today and all of a sudden, this tiny 8-week-old foetus seems so adorable to me :) Awww...

PS: Can someone chopped off my stomach for me? Epigastric pain exaggerated after meal and even milk. Dyspepsia? Sigh...

Independence...

To my fragile self:

Independence is important and essential. Without it, you're like a rubber ducky floating on a deep and wide ocean without any direction. Of course, there are fishes and dolphins and all sort of breath-taking creatures in the ocean. They swim around you, poke you for a while, smile at you but nothing stay forever. You're not food, you're without benefit, no one will stay with you forever. Why let yourself attach to something and then suffer a broken heart when it floats away from you? 

Independence is the only thing you have and need to survive here. Hold on to it. Don't ever let go of it no matter how strong is the temptation. 

Most importantly, take good care of yourself. Do not expect others to do it.

From your very-much-annoyed self.

P.S: The higher a person climbs, the higher the chance of the person forgetting what it's like to be at the bottom. When you scorn medical students of being very annoying, do not forget that you're once a medical student, wandering around, asking questions, trying to learn something. 

You vs Others...

When one is too engrossed in their own problems, he/she fails to see what is going on around them. 

One may think that they are the unfortunate one without realising that there are others who are in much deeper trouble than themselves. 

One may shout and grumble that they are suffering without knowing that there are people who are too ill or have lost the ability to even say that they are in pain. 

Just my thoughts after spending one whole night and witnessing shouting episodes in A&E green zone...

How to study Medicine?

Something unexpected happened today. I just couldn't believe my ears. 

To cut a long story short, a group mate misunderstood something and of course, the dr was so shocked that she even requested some time with him. The group mate was upset. He misunderstood it because once upon a time, a patient told him something and he just took it without analysing the details. When we were alone without the doctor, he started rambling away. 

"You see, it's all the system's fault. Why must they force us to clerk patient, to go to ward, to LEARN from patient? We have all the text books that we want and the text books' informations are accurate compared to those that were being said by patients. What sort of system is this? What sort of approach is this? Why can't we change the system? What's the point of talking to patients? To learn more mistakes?"

I was stunned when I heard that. After entering clinical years, I realised that it was patients' stories which taught me a lot. Text books may tell me everything but text book is text book, they only show us the fact but when it comes to real life, there'll not be a conversation bubble appearing on top of patient's head with the diagnosis on it. How is one supposed to learn without clerking patients and learn from them? 

True, he knows a lot of things, during the entire on-call, he kept on throwing up all the bombastic medical terminologies but it's sad to see his attitude towards patients. 

Perhaps he's seeing things in the wrong way or perhaps I'm the one who is foolishly learning medicine the wrong way. I don't know. He has his own principles and I have my own. Which is right and which is wrong? I don't know. Perhaps I'm just making a big thing out of a small issue.

But I still cannot accept this sort of attitude. 

10 years later...

Was talking to my friends during dinner and our conversation steered toward the future.

One question came out: "Where will we be in 10 years time?"

Hmmm... Where will I be? I'd like to see myself among children but am I capable to do so? It's still too early to tell.

No matter how life turns out, I hope I'll be a happy person who loves her job :) And I do hope I'm doing something to the community :)

1 more year left. It's going to be tough but I'm currently contented with everything even though it can be busy. I love to be in the middle of something, instead of doing nothing.

All the best to us :)

:)

I have to write about this. You may think that it's childish but whatever, it's my blog and my own personal thoughts. Haha...

Growing up in a family where both my parents are English-language teacher, there'll always be expectation. I tried to live up to it. People may say to me that 'hey, your english is good' but I found ti hard to accept the praises because at the end of the day, all I want is approval from my parents especially my mom who had been my English teacher for 5 years. It can be a bit ( a bit only lah because the others are way too good) heart-breaking when your mum praises the very very good students and then reads your essay and starts to comment endlessly and wonders loudly why her own daughter can't be as good as others.

After secondary school, when I was placed in another circle of students without my mum as my linguistic guidance, I was forced to stand alone. When I read what others wrote, my brain will go into autocorrect mode. I can't help it. Then my friends started to come to me for help. I offered to edit as well. 

Perhaps all these help to improve my writing. I don't know. Yesterday I read a blog post on how public view us doctors graduated from public universities. All commented badly, one even said that 'I'll avoid them like a plaque'.and another said that 'I'll force them to show me their result slips and qualifications. Even then, I'll still avoid them.' and the worst 'I'll go to those who graduated from India, Russia, Indonesia blah blah blah instead of those from local uni.' I was a bit frustrated but it won't help if I comment publicly so I send a rather long comment to my mum. At least 1 non-medical related person will understand. 

To my surprise, she asked me whether I was the one who wrote the comment as it was very good. Content and language wise. 

Finally :) But I know I'm still nothing compare to the very very good ones. At least I'm trying. Thank God :)

PS: Don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to show off. I'm just a bit excited :P

一人，二人

听人说
到了二十几出这年龄
若还没成双
那人一定很有问题

有伴的人是完美的
毫无瑕疵
人见人爱

无伴的人是丑陋的
全身瑕疵
人见人怜

难道是如此吗？

你我一样都是人
有着种种的优点
种种的缺点
到达种种的终点

不同的是
你身旁多了一个人
有人容忍你
有人接纳你
有人呵护你

而我一人生活
自己负担责任
自己思考后果
自己保护自己

有伴的人不一定快乐
无伴的人不一定沮丧
只是大家有着不一样的观念

这世上有形形色色的人
形形色色的人
配形形色色的人

完美如仙的人不一定有伴
平凡朴素的人不一定孤单

我说
二十几出还很年轻
你说
吃不到葡萄说葡萄酸
明明没人爱
明明没人要
明明不讨喜
还牵强找理由

我的生活
我的故事
剧情还由上帝写
我有我的憧憬
生活目标也与你不同

结局会是如何
我不知道
小小的我只能祈祷
愿我走在对的路
愿我不侵犯上帝
愿我能成为一位好医生
也愿我能成为一位好女儿

I once told my friend of my indifferent towards boy-girl relationship. These days, I'm seeing people getting married and smiling happily in wedding gowns. At the same time, I see people licking their wounds, crawling on all fours trying to find their way out from the leftovers of the relationship they once had. I'm still young, young enough to convince the people around me that it's ok for me to be single. Yet, I'm slightly mature enough to understand things that are going around me.

The friend told me: 'He may have other plans for you though, so even though it's fine to have your preferences and to tell Him your preferences, don't get too dogmatic that you miss out on a blessing He has in store for you.'

Thanks, my friend :)