Lost...

Putting a smile when you know that you just want to hide in a corner to cry is just so difficult. And that's why I'm putting down my pbl work and my studies to write this. If not, all the emotions just get pile up inside me and it just makes me feel worst.

It's funny how stuffs can happen suddenly without you knowing it. And it's even worst when all you know is the effects of the thing but not the cause.

I just don't understand how things will lead to this point when I can't even see the pathway to this point. Is it something that I did? But I'm just extremely sure that I didn't do anything at all. Nobody is sure of what had happened and those who know are turning their back on me. Even though it's really hurting but what else can I do but to let go of those? It's their decision to do so and I can't say anything much to change their mind.

I just don't understand how such a big issue can happen behind my back and I only get to know about it later. How long had I been a fool in front of all of them? How long had it happened? And most importantly, what had actually happened and what did I do to you?

People are telling me that they are ok already but how can you know that for sure? I'd been spending all my life facing people who smile at me and laugh with me but deep down, cursing me. I can no longer trust their smile anymore no matter how friendly it seems.

Despite of what had happened, I did get to appreciate the things that I'd have and always taken granted of.

Good friends are those who are with you when you hit really low and when you're on the verge of breaking down. To be honest, I never really have many friends that I could really talk to and when times got really bad, I used to lock myself in the bedroom and just cried in there. I couldn't even talk to my parents for they really thought that I should just forget everything and concentrate on my study. Thankfully, God was there for me and I made it through most of the time. Coming to this place doing this course is a blessing to me. I'd made friends with those whom I'll never expect that I'll be close to. All I did was run to their room and started crying while telling them of the problems. Thank you for putting down your books and spending your whole night with me. I really appreciate it :)

God is just great. People said that I'm strong for being able to go through the tough times in secondary school but I have to say that I'm not. I'm weak but He is always there for me whenever I stumble and fall. I spend my whole yesterday night on bed praying to God and told Him of the problems. I never thought of stopping the tears from flowing down for I'm going to Him as my vulnerable self and I don't want to act like a tough girl in front of Him for He knows me better than I even know myself. I'm still feeling lost and sad but I know that I'll be able to get through this with His help. And I'm thankful that when everyone turned their back, one stood with me firmly and nothing could change his/her stand. Though I'm still feeling down but I trust that with His help, I'll be back to a more cheerful me within a couple of days.

For now, I'm still doing what I'd been doing throughout today which is staring at the laptop while thinking of what had happened. Sometimes, I'd start to cry in front of the laptop. Just give me a few more days and I promise I'll be fine again...