Wall...

Attended a fantastic meeting today and it'd kept me thinking until now. Some of the things that the speaker said were like arrows directly pointing towards me and I could actually relate to so many emotions that I have had for all these while.

I guess I'm finally admitting that even after more than a year, there's still a rather thick wall surrounding me. I still haven't really felt like I'm a part of them and I still unconsciously distancing myself from them while wondering what's wrong with me.



It's just sad to see the wall around me even after a year has passed. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough ever since I'd been disappointed by people. I'd learned how to be invisible even if I'm surrounded by lots of people including those whom I'd acquainted with. But I still have a constant fear that people will just take my quietness as a part of me and leave me by myself.



After more than a year, maybe they have accepted the fact that I'm a quiet and passive one. The wall has grown thicker since then. Sometimes when I thought that there's a chance to break it, silence continued and the wall remained till today.



I want to see the wall disappear. I don't want to run away anymore just so that I won't feel left out. It's harder when every time I try to speak, all the sentences seem to disappear into thin air without leaving a single mark at all. I no longer know how to join in a group conversation anymore when all of the sentences will drown in the crowd and no one seems to hear a single thing. I'm at loss of what to do and the only way that I can think of is prayers.



Really pray that one day, the wall will collapse and for once, I can try to be myself.

Thanks for your love, dear God :)

p.s. This is really stupid but I really hope that Tuesday will not come at all :(