For the past many many years, I'd been telling myself that I don't want to end up like someone I know: quiet, emotionless, awkward...
There are many things around my family that I try to avoid. It's even worst ever since I entered medical school. People expect me to lead a rich life after graduate, people expect me to provide free medical care, people expect me to pull some strings and get free medical check-ups and referral to the best doctor. It's even stressful at home when people expect me to know everything from why I got pain here and there, why are my eyes get uncomfortable to light, what's the correct postures and so on and so forth... Then there's the internet where people get all sorts of articles on all sorts of diseases and studies and then they expect you to know all those. Even rare rare disease also I'm expected to know. I'd tried to explain why I can't know everything but like people always say, unless you're in the medical field, you will never understand the life of a medical student and doctor. I get all so frustrated and I put up my poker face when I have to face with these.
There are so much emotions going on in me but I can't let them out. After that, I became the person I hate the most in front of my family, the quiet and the worst of all, emotionless girl. And I hate myself.
I guess that's why I want to escape. Escape to somewhere where nobody knows me and I can be myself. Being with people I know and familiar places just make me awkward especially when it comes to working. I need a break from all these.
PS: All of these came to me when my mum said I'd changed. She said one day, I'll not pick up their phones anymore. I'll not talk to them anymore. I become too proud because of what I'm doing. She said I no longer call home as I used to. The thing is, every time I called, they will just ask me what do I need and within a few minutes, the conversation is over. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. Don't even talk about my dad, he doesn't even talk to us unless it's important matter. There's no chit-chat, conversation, nothing. I see my friends' interaction with their family and I began to realise that mine is the odd one. Truth is, I'm always waiting for my mum to call me just to ask me how I'm doing. Guess this is something that she won't know...
2 comments:
aww hun. Its okay to grow, to change - its healthy :) People don't like encountering with change but they'll get used to it sooner or later. And I guess being a meds student you're expected to be omniscient - like how people think I can read minds - a job hazard, comes with the territory, just let the ignorant be ignorant. Or make up something CRAZY just to get a good laugh at their reaction :D
Its always the hardest with family. They have the power to cut you the deepest and make you insecure like no one else could. Which is tragic, really. And that whole non-calling thing, the entire time I was in Syd, not once did they call - at all. Last week when I called home, my mom didn't even recognise it was me. So hon, really, don't sweat it :)
You're brilliant, diligent, beautiful, strong - don't let anyone convince you otherwise! I believe it you! You'll be a great doctor, not only because you've got the knowledge, but because you've got compassion for your patients and a sense of genuineness that so many are lacking today.
Be who God called you to be, don't make yourself live with other people's expectation, they don't know the plans that He has for you. :)
Awww... Thanks for the long long comment :) Had a mood swing that day so was rather emo. Must be pms. Haha... Thanks for the advice and compliemnt :) I guess I'm still at the point of discovering myself and trying to change to a better me and also be a better Christian. I'm always like that, need to cry like a baby first then only I can regain the strength to stand up and fight. But I'm very thankful to Him as he brought me to this place where I became more mature mentally and also spiritually. It's just wonderful to know that I'm not as pathetic, low-esteem girl as I used to when I was back in school. Haha...
God is great :)
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