Fishing for Confidence...

Philippians 3:13 '...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead'.

Reading through this passage, I wonder whether I'd reached this point. Everyone has their own story and I remember reading a quote which said that people are what they are not because they chose to be, it's because of things that happened in their past. And I have to agree with this.

Did my own past mold me to what I am today? If yes, I really wish that none of everything had ever happened.

I remember from they day I understand language and everything, I was called a fat and short girl. And it went on throughout my secondary school life. People were always comparing my sister with me. I was even called 'burger' by my relatives. Once, a guy came up to me and asked me whether I am planning to go on a diet. It's not that I am angry but though I am used to all of these, it still hurt. So if you're wondering why am I so obsess about my appearance, the above sentences are the 'why'.

Since leaving secondary school, I was brought out of my little hometown to other places. Though my body had left the place where I got hurt the most, I could not leave the bruises behind. They no longer bleed or hurt as they used to but the scars are still there. I found it hard to communicate with people of my same race and mood swings do strike at times. If you're wondering why am I so quiet with apparent lack of confidence, I guess since young, no one expected me to talk or do anything great and I'd been living like this since don't know when.

Since entering uni, I was involved in a few things and one of the main one is dancing. During my first year, when everyone was catching up, I felt myself falling behind day by day. The pressure was too great for me and for a while, it was hard for me to put a smile on face. I wanted to quit but it felt so irresponsible and I felt an attachment with dancing and I could not bring myself to break it off. Somehow, thanks to my lovely teammate and the ever wonderful God, I pulled it through.

This is my second year dancing. From the start, I wanted to pull myself out of traditional dance since it's not something which comes easily for me. But for the same reasons as above, I stayed forth. Now, with the competition just around the corner, I wonder whether it is a mistake that I stay on.

To my dancing mates, though most of you are not reading this, I just want to apologise. If I do seem paranoid, it's because I'm scared. I do not want history of breaking down to repeat again. If I do annoy you, it's because I can't seem to find the confidence. I'll try my best but I can't be certain that my best is the best. I just pray that I'll get through these without disappointing all of you. I wish that I can put the above verse from Philippians to practice but I can't seem to fish out the confidence in me yet.

Philippians 4:4-7 '⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'

Sorry :(

I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say. Honestly speaking, I'm not that kind of person who gets angry or frustrated easily. No matter what happen, I'll just take it lightly and go along with it.

These few days had been crazy. With Christmas drama and dance, dance practice and the coming project meeting, I didn't spend much time in the room. It's busy especially when Christmas night is less than 24 hours away but it makes me happy. I may not be an expert in drama and dance but I do enjoy them. Seeing everything falling into places even if we didn't have much time for practice, it makes me even more thankful to God :)

We just had our intensive dance practice on top of our weekly practice last weekend. Needless to say, my legs were confused and I still couldn't really get all the steps. And now, I'm stuck with painful thigh muscles. The pain worsen every time I walk or using the stairs (God knows how many flights of stairs I have to use from my block to faculty.) But I'm truly enjoying myself. I know I'll manage to get the dance steps if I continue the practice. Pain is part of a parcel of dancing and enduring pain is not something that is so difficult to do. The dance may not be easy and I know there'll be intensive sessions soon but I'm more than willing to embrace them.

The final thing on my list-project meeting. I've always been interested in campaigns or any projects which involve health promotion for I really feel like I can contribute to the society with the knowledge that I have. The moment I knew there's empty space in the project, I jumped into it. But now, everything is going haywire and the guilt is haunting me day after day and with the meeting coming soon, I don't know how to laugh anymore. And to my own surprise, I threw a minor tantrum in the room just now when I thought of the coming meeting. I was really frustrated and I have no clue on what to do. It's my responsibility but it's really beyond my ability. Now, I feel like a burden to the whole project and everybody has the result and I'm still stuck at the starting point. It may be something easy but it's not what I can do and what I'm interested. I'd never thought my job scope will include this when I first put up my hand. Should I give up and step down? I just don't know. If I really cannot do this, why don't I just pass it to somebody who can manage this well? It'll be better for everyone but the guilt is haunting me. I really don't want to hurt the rest and myself too. Just pray that God will guide me through this. I really need the strength to go through this. Just pray that I'll make a wise decision soon.

Really pray that God will bless the Christmas Night tomorrow too. Time may not be on our side but I know that You'll be by our side, watching after us. Just pray that our message will come across to others and touch everyone's heart :)

Touched :)

Watched this and I was touched by what he did and still doing. Love is indeed a powerful thing. Though it had been misused for some wrong reasons (eg committing suicide), it had pushed people to do something amazing. Why are we desperately searching for a superhero when everyone can be one if one will just show his/her love and lend a helping hand?

While watching this, I was reminded of my ward round with Prof Goh on Wednesday. Since we were doing the GIT system, he brought us to see a few patients who are suffering from liver-related diseases. He started off by demonstrating abdominal examination on the first patient. He told us that in order to perform the examination, the best position is to sit on a chair. If there's no chair or a modern bed where you can lift up the bed, you kneel. Then he dropped to his knees besides the patient's bed and started the examination. Till now, I still can't erase that image out of my mind. I still remember the first time I saw his title (Prof. Dato' Dr), we were like 'wow' and of course, we somehow thought that with a title like this, he's going to be a malignant one. But thank God, it's quite the opposite. And seeing him in that position besides a patient who has no relation whatsoever to him, my mind drifted to the ROSE (Reaching Out to Students through English) training programme. One of the speaker stressed that this programme is all about love and when he asked me THE question on why I chose medic, I answered: Because this is a noble profession. And on that Wednesday morning, I was shown on how truly noble is the job. It may not be something extravaganza but sometimes, it's the little act that touches people's heart more than ever. I'll definitely work hard towards my dream of becoming a good doctor and pray that God will guide me through this journey too :)

重蹈覆辙. 1 saying, 4 characters, yet it threatened to open up the wound that I forcefully sutured up.

Thanks :)

Thank You, Lord :)

Thank You so much for everything. It may not be much but I am equally thankful. I know that if it isn't for You, things will be even horrible. Just pray that as I'm starting another hectic chapter in my second year, You'll still be my side. I can foresee busy months with late-night practices and all but I will not fret nor complain for I know that You'll not abandon me.

I promise that I'll work even harder. I'll learn from the mistakes and improve myself. Just pray that You'll guide and lead me too.

Thank You, Lord. I don't know what I'd done to deserve a love like Yours but I am thankful :)

P.S: Thanks also for the very understanding friends and roomie :)
It's not easy when both your parents are teachers. I had tried but somehow it's just difficult to let my mum understand that medical school is really different from secondary school. Last time, everything seemed to be easy and getting anything less than A was bad. But now, things are different yet I fail to let them see the difference. Can I just forget the comments that you said? :(

Pictures :)

"A picture is worth a thousand words." That was what Prof. Goh told us last week when he brought us to see the doctors performing endoscopy and colonoscopy. It's great to have him as our professor for medicine round :) And I really agree with him when he said that our aim in medical school is not just to pass our exam, it's about learning as much as we can to be a good doctor and make our parents proud of us. I may not be the smartest one and I admit that though I may had read the pages 3 or 4 times, I still find it hard to remember every single thing. But I still want to try my best. All I want to be is a good doctor and even if it means no holiday, no rest and no leisure, I still want to go for it. I'm really thankful to God that I have the chance to be in the seat where tons of students fought for and still fight for every year :) Just pray that I'll have the strength and the wisdom to go through the remaining 4 years in medical school :)

Picture time!!!

The bear that I got :)


The lovely card :) Really miss playing the piano...


The warm wishes :)

The little present that the 'us' in cg gave me :)

Something special from my 'twin' :)

Another trip to the bookshop!!! This time I only got 5 books. Must save money :P

One of Baby Blues comic and a snowman book mark that I got for Michelle for her Christmas gift :)

2 candy each for Michelle's sister, Catherine and Melissa :)

The lovely book thong that I got after renewing my membership card. Can't believe I'd been buying books from Bookxcess for 3 years. And I'll still continue to go there to get all my books :D

Since tomorrow is a holiday, I'm going to spend the whole night reading :) Once lectures start to get busy, I'll definitely miss this time when I can lay back and enjoy my novel. Well, it's one sacrifice that I'm willing to make :)

First post of a 20-year-old :)

Well, finally, I'm 20. All these while, I'd been telling people that I'm 19 and now that 2nd December had passed, I guess I have to admit that I'm 20.

All these years, my birthdays were always during the school holiday and I only celebrated with my family. This year, it's really my first time having friends secretly planning my birthday and throwing me a surprise and having people besides my family singing birthday song to me. It may not be extravaganza but I'm really thankful and touched.

Thanks for the lovely meal at Pasta Zanmai. Though at the end, I had to force myself to swallow down the plate of pasta, it was undeniably a nice meal :)

Thanks for the walk and all the photos we took around Mid Valley with the warm and adorable Christmas decorations. Though I was tired and couldn't stop yawning, it was nice to have you girls around :)

Thanks for the birthday songs and the surprise at 12.00 am. Though the smell of whipping cream haunted me for a day, it was touching to know that you girls remembered my birthday and took the trouble to celebrate with me :)

Thanks for the adorable bow-tie bear and the card by Han Jun, Chu Yee, Cheng Nee, Aileen, Winnie and Choon Fong. Though it was not easy to buy a bear and hide it in the bag while walking around Mid Valley with me, it was my first time receiving a bear and I can't seem to take my eyes off it :)

Thanks for the birthday songs during lecture. Though it was a little bit awkward with people looking at me and singing to me, it truly made my day :)

Thanks for the birthday song and the birthday present from the 'us' of the cg group. Though I don't know who exactly are the 'us', it's really a blessing to know you guys and I pray that we'll all grow stronger in God :)

Thanks for the lovely dinner by my parents who came all the way here just to celebrate my birthday. Though there wasn't any cake like previous years, the meal was nice and warm and I'm really thankful to have a family like this :)

Thanks for all the wishes via sms, facebook and face-to-face. Though I had to reply 100 ++ wishes on facebook, I was smiling while doing so :)

Thankfully, the final is over. It was really my first time spending my study week at home, skipping the ward round during the study week (and I still feel guilty) and crying a lot (without my parents presence, of course). Result is coming out soon and the thought of it is sufficient to make me go nuts. I wished I'd done better but I know I cannot turn back the clock so I'd been pushing it to the back of my mind. Just pray that everything will turn out to be alright. No matter what happen, I will continue to praise Your name, dear Lord :)

At the bright side, I finally have some time to indulge myself in novel-reading. I told myself I'll stop after the 3rd one. Then I continued to the 4th one and told myself the same thing. And now, I'm reading the 5th one. Sigh... Can't believe that what was a pleasure to me has become a guilty pleasure ever since I became a medical student. But it's nice to escape to another world when I feel bored and lazy. The past weekend had been boring. The floor was almost empty. Most of the girls went back, 2 girls went dating and roomie had a family problem which forced her to pack her bag and left on Friday (I'm sorry to hear the news, roomie).

I guess I better stop before this gets any longer and mundane. Was planning to upload some photos but something went wrong with the memory card. Hmmm... Will post the photos once I figure out what went wrong with the memory card (though I doubt I will ever understand all those technical items).

Toodles :)

ABC About Me :)

Since I was tagged by Nana and I got nothing to do besides finishing my novels, here I am answering another sets of questions.

A-Available: Haha... What a question. Everybody knows that I'm single.
B-Birthday: 2nd December every year. And I finally have to admit that I'm a 20-year-old :(
C-Crushing on: Haha... Another funny question. No one.
D-Drink you last had: Ice blended fruit juice (Don't remember the exact name). Yummy :D
E-Easiest person to talk to: Someone who can prompt me to talk more and makes me smile and laugh :)
F-Favourite song at the moment: Hmmm... Can't really pin-point one... Terrified-Katherine McPhee
H-Hometown: Tampin, Negeri Sembilan :)
I-In love with: My family and the wonderful God :)
J-Juggle: Between studying and all the upcoming projects :( Really praying for all the strength, Lord :)
K-Killed someone: Haha... No strength to do so.
L-Longest car ride: The journey from Kajang to Kelantan.
M-Milkshake flavour: Hmmm... Fruits or chocolate :)
N-Number of sibling: 1 little sister.
O-One wish: To be closer to God :)
P-Person you called last: My buddy.
R-Reason to smile: To know that God and my family are always with me :)
S-Song you last heard: Hmmm... Can't really recall...
T-Time you woke up: 6.45 am.
U-Utensils used to eat noodles: Chopsticks and spoon.
V-Vegetable: Love them especially the leafy kangkung (I think it's kangkung...)
W-Worst habit: Torturing my fingers until they start to bleed whenever I'm too tired. (Am trying my best to stop it.)
X-X-rays you had recently: The one for uni registration.
Y-Yoyos are: Impossible to play it correctly.
Z-Zodiac sign: Sagittarius :)

Random Questions about you:
Your favourite number/s: Ermmm... 2, perhaps?
What colour do you wear most: Black and white.
Most favourite colour: Hmmm... Sky blue.
What are you listening to: The sound of me typing the keyboards....
Are you happy with your life right now? Am quite contented with what I have now :)
What is your favourite class in school: Add Maths with Mr. Gan :)
Who is/are your best friend/s: They know who they are :)
Are you outgoing: Depends on the person.
Favourite pair of shoes: Nice yet simple pairs of flat :)
Can you dance: I need practices but I do enjoy it :)
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth: Huh???
Can you whistle: Nope.
Cross your eyes: Nope.
Walk with your toes curled: Nope.

Do you believe in:
Life in other planets: Nope.
Miracles: Yup :)
Magic: The magical things that can happen in life :)
Love at first sight: With cute doggy :D
Santa: Never believed in one.
Do you know how to swim: Nope.
Do you like roller coaster: The thought of it can makes me go tachycardia already...
Do you think you can handle the stuff they eat on reality show: Ewww...
Have you ever been on a plane: The fake one in Petrol Sains, KLCC.
Have you ever asked someone out: Friends for shopping trip :)
Have you ever been to the ocean: Nope.
Have you ever painted your nails: Nope.

The What's:
What is the temperature outside: The usual one in Malaysia;
What radio station do you listen to: Mix, Hitz, My, Fly, One, Lite.
What was the last restaurant you ate at: T-bowl in Sunway Pyramid.
What was the last thing you bought: A cardigan, finally :)
What was the last thing on tv you watched: Some movie on Hallmark Channel.

The Who's:
Who was the last person you IM'd: Saren.
Who was the last person you took a picture of: Chu Yee and Han Jun.
Who was the last person you said I love you too: God :)

Crying Section:
Ever really cried your heart out: Definitely.
Ever cried yourself to sleep: Definitely.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder: No.
Do you cry when you get an injury: Depends.

Happy section:
Are you a happy person: Trying to maintain a cheerful self :)

Look at me:
What is your current hair colour: Black.

Currently wearing:
What shirt are you wearing: White t-shirt with 3 giraffes.
Pants: Black shorts.
Shoes: None.
Necklace: None.

In a boy/girl:
Favourite eye colour: Blue but impossible.
Short or long hair: Short.
Height: MUST be taller than me.

Have you ever:
Been to jail: Definitely no.
Mooned someone: Huh???
Thought about suicide: A very very very long time ago.
Laughed so hard you cried: Yup.
Cried in school: I was the famous 'crying baby' way back in school.
Thrown up in a store: No.
Wanted to be a model: The minimum height and weight requirements are just impossible.
Seen a dead body: Yes.
Been on drugs: Never.
Gone skinny dipping: I'm still sane.

This or that:
Pepsi or cola: Neither.
McDonald's or Burger King: Wendy.
Single or group dates: Single.
Chocolate or vanilla: Simple. Chocolate :)
Strawberry or blueberries: Strawberries.
Meat or veggies: Both.
TV or movie: Both.
Guitar or drums: Guitar.
Adidas or Nike: Hmmm...