Dilemma...

Ended my O & G and Primary Care postings. Not exactly satisfied with my performance. There were some great experiences and I'm thankful for everything :)

Entering Paeds :) I'm quite happy since I can never take my eyes off children. I'll just take these 2 months to explore Paeds and see how far I can go. Most importantly, I need to buck up. I feel like I'm going back to the old me that I'd eradicated when I entered secondary school :( Just pray that I'll have the strength and the energy to go on.

Something had happened within these 2 months. Maybe it's my fault that I'm magnifying the issue. At first, everything was friendly and I was relatively happy. Then, after spending more and more time, I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable. Almost everyday I need to come up with explanations for something that I did. The actions didn't mean anything but somehow, they were seen and interpreted differently. Everyday I need to hear the same phrase in a tone which is only used in a different setting and occasion. Every time I see a side that I don't like and can't comprehend.

I know that these incidents happened quite innocently but I've never been comfortable with person of a different gender unless they are really my close friends. I'd been thinking and sometimes saying things that I don't want to say and I'm feeling really bad. I'd tried to stop it but the thoughts just kept linger on.

I'm sorry. I'm a coward. In occasion like this, I tend to choose to stay away. I don't want to reach a point where I will do and say something which will offend people so I'd been keeping a distance. Somehow, by keeping a distance, I'm also offending people.

I'm deep in dilemma and I don't want to do something that I'll regret. So should I just keep a distance or should I just pretend nothing had happened, put a smile on my face although I'm feeling very very uncomfortable?

Hmmm...

Satisfaction :)

Clerked a 19-year-old Indian girl today.

She is one amazing girl. Both her parents are workers who don't earn much but she is one tough girl. She holds on to her education and she is doing form 6 because she wants to go for tertiary education. She likes to study and she believes that education is important. She knows that education will bring her far in her life and she hopes that she will provide a better life for her parents.

Her father is one caring father. She supports her and is very concern for her. And I almost kena scolded by him because the consultation took about 1 hour and she hadn't eaten her breakfast. Luckily Dr. S talked nicely to him and he went back to his good-nature self. Phew...

We talked about a lot of things when I was waiting for my turn to present and also while waiting for blood test. She told me about her exam, her worries and lots more and we had a good time since we're almost the same age.

While waiting for the blood test result, she asked me:

"Kak, you ada boyfriend tak? Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No lah."

"Why not? You're so pretty, short (she did say that) and cute."

Oh my gosh, I couldn't stop laughing. She over-praised me lah but it's still nice to hear such compliments from a girl who only knew me for 2 hours :) And no, I don't have a boyfriend because no guys will look at me twice lah.

I was very sorry because the consultation took a long time partly my fault since I totally forgot how to do cranial nerve examination so I kept on apologising to her and her father. She told me that she's happy to help me out and she said it doesn't matter to her if it takes a long time because she's happy that she met me today (her own word). With that, she bid goodbye and left.

Lecturers always talked about the satisfactory that come after treating every patient and today, I felt that. Although I made lots of stupid mistakes in front of her during examination, although she had to wait for long time because her turn came and although her consultation was long, she was satisfied. All I did was talked to her and chit-chat a little about her life ans she said it's the best thing that had ever happened to her. She understood that we're students and we are learning from them so she didn't mind at all and she's happy that she was able to help. She also inspired me because even though her family background may not be so good, she still believes in education and she insists in finishing her study. Although it may not be easy, she still works hard towards her goal.

Thanks a lot to you :) I hope you'll be able to achieve your dream as a teacher and I believe you'll be a great one :) All the best for your upcoming STPM :)

Think, think and think...

Clerked a patient today.

He is a 40-year-old Indian gentleman who complained of pain and swelling at the right shoulder tip which only got better a little after more than a week of accident.

So I went through the same questions. And of course, I asked about smoking and drinking habit.

He looked at me and said 'NO'.

Of course, I asked why. Is he afraid of the health consequences? And these were what he told me:

*translated from Malay*

"It's not fear or anything like that but I'd seen what these can do to people. Some people got married early and because of these habits, they neglected their family. Who is going to take care of the wife? The children? Both my elder brothers drink and smoke and they just left the wife and children to fend for themselves. Some of my friends also do the same thing. So I'd sworn to myself that I'll never smoke or drink. I'd told my children this since young and now they are clean from these."

Wow.... I was impressed. This man is clearly one who can think. Though he is not highly educated, he is observant. He saw how drinking and smoking destroy the lives of those who are close to him and instead of joining, he stayed out of it. Besides, he's also a loving and responsible man. He said that these habits do not bring habit to anyone. If a man becomes a slave to cigarettes and alcohol, who is going to take care of the wife and children? This shows that he's really concern about the wife and the children.

If only everyone will start to think like him. Get well soon, mr and hope you can get back to your football and win more games :)

Bereavement...

Today, out of 3 patients, 2 cried.

And these got me thinking. Sometimes, there're things that I thought will only happen in tv but not in real life but as I go through my life, these things do happen.

I met a nice lady this morning. She was kind enough to bring her neighbour, who is an old lady, to do a check up in Klinik Kesihatan. In the mean time, she came here for her hypertension follow up.

Hypertension. These patients come in and out of clinic everyday. Prof S. asked:" What runs in your mind when someone comes in for hypertension follow up?" The answer is easy (Well, as least for Prof S. :P). Just check his/her reading, make sure it's under control, compliance is good and there're no complications.

But not for her.

When asked what triggers her blood pressure to go up usually, she said when she's angry with her children. She has 3 children, age between 8-11, who are not obedient, lie and do not want to study. She gets angry when the teachers complain. She did everything and she can't seem to control them.

When asked how's her sleep, she said she has not been sleeping well. Her husband passed away suddenly more than 1 year ago and she'll think of him at night when she's supposed to sleep. Prof S wanted to know why she still thinks of him and how does she feel whenever she thinks of him but it was hard since she is a Malay and the patient is a Chinese so I helped to translate.

She said she's not gotten over him. There're lots of things that she wants to know but now she can't get the answer because her husband is not here anymore. Because it's a sudden death, her husband left without leaving any last words and there're lots of things that she doesn't understand. These had been bothering her and it didn't get better with time.

I was standing directly facing her and I saw tears welling up in her eyes. But she controlled herself. At that moment, I felt for her. She's still young and her husband passed away suddenly. She must have loved him and still is.

Love is something very funny yet strong. Just because I'd been saying that I don't want to get in a relationship, doesn't mean that I don't believe in love. I just don't believe that it'll happen to me.

Because of love, she got married and have 3 kids and because of love, her bereavement period prolonged. She lost her husband suddenly without any prior notice and it broke her. And now, she stayed at home with her 3 children who are in their rebellious stage. These are taking a toll on her even though she is trying to be tough.

I wanted to talk to her more, to explain to her why these questions were asked and to make sure that she understood everything but I was not the one who clerked her. I couldn't possibly snatch the patient right under my group mate's nose and the teaching is going on. For that, I feel a little bad.

To this dear lady, no matter where you are now, I hope you'll find peace and be alright. I do hope you'll find your own happiness once more. I'm sorry for everything that had happened and I hope you'll make it through this trial. Once the rain has stopped, the rainbow will be out once again. Pray that you'll be able to go through everything.

Hopeless...

About a year ago, I took up a responsibility that no one wanted.

I did all the preparations, I outlined everything, I collected all the info, and most importantly, I gathered everyone who agreed to join and wanted to be a part of the committee.

For the past one year, there were time when I felt a little annoyed, but I brushed it out of my mind since I was the one who took the responsibility. I need to complete it.

Now, I am worried. I was supposed to pass on this responsibility to the next person, but I haven't completed it. I'd been sending sms telling those in charge that I really need the pages, I really need to complete this, I really need to see the ideas materialize. But somehow, everything seems to fall to deaf ears, or in this case, blind eyes.

Is it because that I don't scream, they think that it's ok?

Is it because that I smile and said 'it's ok', they think that I don't mind?

Is it because that I don't put up an angry face or cry in front of them or beg them, they think that 'Oh, never mind, she won't mind, we can hand in anytime.'

I know you're busy. I understand. That's why when you hand in slightly later when you're busy, I'll tell you that it's ok and I'll thank you with all my heart when you do pass up. I was and still am in your shoes now. I know it's not easy to juggle study and other responsibilities at the same time. I was put in that condition when I was preparing for dance competition. I broke down a few times but those tears only made me stronger and I continued to strive. I know that medical school is not easy. We have thick books to study, endless notes to flip through and tough exams to go through. But 1 year has passed, some had finished what they had to do, why can't you too? Can't you at least tell me why instead of trying to avoid me? Am I that annoying?

I still need to summit everything to Dr. Loh and Prof Jun. By the time when I do that, I need to explain myself for not finishing this on time. Worst case scenario, I need to explain to them why I can't publish a magazine this year when all the other ex-editors finished and published the magazine before July. Will I blame it on you? I don't know. Maybe I'll just look down and apologize for being an incapable editor. Maybe I'll take all the blame myself since I'm the head of this project and that's what a head is for, taking blame for everything that the others made.

Can you just put yourself in my shoes and try to complete them so that all of us will not be look down at?

Today is the last day of July. On the first day, I was confident that I'll make this a success. I thought I can show that I can do this too. But now, I'd lost my confidence. Maybe I'm just not as good as I think I am. Maybe I'm just a weakling.

I need all the strength now, dear God...

Fragile...

After years of biology and 2 years of studying nothing (ok, maybe a few other minor minor things) but human body, one really can't help but to think that 'Wow, the human body is truly amazing!!!' We have the most perfect mechanisms to regulate our body, the most sophisticated systems to function and everything in the body, no matter how minute they are, are significant. Yet, the most perfect instrument has its own weak spots.

The human body can be very fragile too.

I was in neurological ward a few days ago. While searching for the doctor, we walked through the section where numbers of visitors are restricted. It was the section that has lots of life-supporting machines, lots and lots of tubing, ventilators, iv drips and so on and so forth. The one thing that strikes me the most was that almost all the patients were unconscious.

I passed by a bed where an old gentleman was lying down with lots of tubing. A man and a woman stood beside him, shook him gently and repeated "起来啦,不要再睡了啦." (Wake up, don't sleep already).

I passed by another room where a young child of the age of 3-5 was lying on the bed. Unconscious. The mother was looking out of the window with her back facing me. Though I didn't see her expression, her back told me that she was waiting. Waiting for her baby to wake up. Though the wait is long and seems hopeless, she'll not give up. She is going to wait till her child wake up.

These are scenarios that one typically sees in movie. But now, all of them just appear in real life and are playing right in front of my eyes. I guess what I have to do now is to learn as much as I can for I'd chosen an unusual path. Studying is no longer for the sake of passing exams and obtaining a degree, it has become a responsibility. If I don't take it seriously, at the end of the day, it's the patients who are going to suffer so I have the responsibility to do my best to avoid causing harms to my future patients.

If a human body which is made up of many and many and many components are fragile, then the human heart is even more fragile.

Lately, I'd seen people losing their heart and losing themselves. Even with the smiles on their faces and the cheerfulness of their conversations or fb status, I know that their heart is hurting in a way that a person like me, who had never been in a relationship before, can understand.

Few days ago, I heard this song and I searched for the music video. The song was sad and the actor in the music video was a brilliant one. He depicted heartbreak too well that my heart can't stop but to ache for him as well. Though it's in Cantonese but just by looking at the music video, one can guess what the song is depicting without understanding the language of the lyrics.

I guess no matter how strong something is, even a big solid stone, there'll always be the weak spot and once you figure out the spot, the object is no longer indestructible, it has become a fragile piece...

Sailing :)

Today, I felt like sailing on a vast blue sea. One moment, the sea was calm and the sky was blue. The next moment, the wind was strong and it was raining with storms and thunders.

Went through gynae round. Had an enthusiastic Dr. who had shared a lot of her experiences with us. She taught us how to place ourselves in the patients' shoes so that we'll not hurt the patients. She told us that we're not here to be a doctor, we're here to be a good doctor. She told us how to put our heart in this profession and how to put in initiatives to improve our skills. She showed us that there're reasons why we do every steps and at the end of the day, everything is all about the patients and the satisfaction that we'll get from helping the patients is priceless. Thank you very much, Dr. :)

Went through surgical round with a neurosurgeon. Every one's sympathetic drive was strong and we held our breath till the end of the round. I felt really stupid and useless throughout the round. We were bombarded with questions and were asked to clerk a patient without any prior experience. I couldn't seem to recall anything that I'd read and I kept my mouth shut throughout the session. Needless to say, after the round, there were lots of comments about the dr's teaching. Ya, he was strict but I still have to thank him. Thanks for letting me know that I need to work harder. Thanks for showing me that I'm still not well-prepared. Thanks for telling us the consequences of not knowing the things that we need to know. Thanks for the lesson. I'm not going to blame him for everyone has their own style of teaching and as much as I felt uncomfortable, I did learn a few things too. I'm just going to blame myself for forgetting even after reading. For those who have lessons with him, do go well-prepared :)

We were asked to clerk a patient who is having neurological problems. He was awake but seem confused. So we took the history from the wife. While telling us the progression of his disease, the wife couldn't take it and broke down in front of us. The uncle noticed it and tried to comfort her as much as he could. No, I don't know what's wrong with the uncle since the doctor got frustrated with the way we took the history and asked us to go back to conference room. The wife is a very strong lady for she braced herself soon after she cried. I can see that they were a loving couple before the uncle was affected by the disease. Thanks uncle and aunty for showing me that true love does exist. Thanks for showing me how much someone can care for another person. I pray that God will look after both of you and though uncle may not get better, I pray that you'll keep the happy memories with you and be strong :)

Sailed through the unpredictable sea and I'd reached the shore safely with lessons learned and experiences gained :)