Sorry...

Why is it so hard for me to hide my feelings?

The moment I saw my result, I didn't know how to react. I guess I gave everyone the impression that I failed my test. I wanted to be happy that I passed but somehow I couldn't do it.

All this while, I'd been telling myself that it's not easy to pass and I'd be jumping out of joy if I do passed but after seeing my result, I went blank.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call my parents. Then I realised they are in Hong Kong and there's no way I can talk to them until they come back on the 21st.

I went back to my room and the tears just flowed out. Then my roomie and my friends came back. I tried to put on a strong face and pretend that I'm happy that I passed but I couldn't although I know that I should.

People said I have high expectation for myself. But all I want to do is to try my very best. After the 4 days exams, I realised I wasn't hardworking enough. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't. And I ended up with annoying those who are around me.

'Thou shalt not lie' Maybe I hold too strongly on this phrase and lying becomes something which is difficult for me to do. And it's even harder for me to hide my feelings for long.

Then, I annoyed people by crying when I once got 70+ for Add. Maths. Now I annoyed people by crying when I get a C for my part A exam. Why must it be so hard for me to control the tears? I'd made people angry with me and maybe caused some hatred due to this behaviour of mine. Why must I do it again?

I'm really sorry to my roomie and my friends who spend a lot of time with me. I'm sorry you guys have to put up with this behaviour of mine. I'm sorry that I annoyed you guys with this behaviour of mine. I'm sorry that I made you guys upset. I'm sorry. All I want to do now is to dig a hole and hide myself. I'm really disappointed with myself :(